Okee dokee – here's the further installment in 'Sam and Jack talk'. Hope you enjoy it. Forgive me if it's a bit soppy. I was in that kind of a mood.
Thanks again to all of you reading, reviewing, adding me to your alert and favorite lists. It means so much. And thank you to all of you who gave me such kind, heartfelt comments after my last chapter. What a great bunch of people you are.
I'm going to try and post the next chapter tonight as well. I don't want to leave things quite yet. Anyway, I'm waiting anxiously to get to the Guardians tomorrow to see what happens.
Sorry - one bad word. I try not to use them too much – don't like them, but in this case it seemed necessary.
The world stopped. Both of them stood there, not moving, not blinking, not breathing. There were no sounds: not the blowing of the wind or the rustling of the leaves. It felt like even their hearts had stopped beating. It was a moment frozen in time.
Suddenly, a small spark, a thread of sound or feeling seemed to ripple through them. From where it came it was hard to tell – whether from Sam or from Jack or from the two of them together. Whatever it was, from wherever it came, it broke the moment and they both stepped back, away from each other. Not quickly, not sharply, but gradually, gently as if to slowly enter back into reality.
'Was it as simple as that,' she wondered? For all the plans, for all the worry, was it really so easy? Could she now look at him and tell him how much she too, loved him? Could they now move forward and talk about creating a life together?
Continuing to look at Jack, she saw the shutters begin to close, the jaw begin to set, and the back begin to straighten. Of course not, she thought. This is Jack O'Neill. Nothing could ever be that simple with this man. Sighing, she realized the fight was only beginning. Jack, she thought, why do you make it so hard on yourself - and on me?
Oh well, she sighed – here it comes! Avoidance, deflection and quips – anything to not deal with this moment. Sorry, Jack, she said to herself, ain't gonna do you any good. I'm not going to let you off the hook. Let's see how you deal with this one O'Neill!
'Oh crap', he groaned silently. 'What had he just done?' How in the world was he going to get out of this? He had let the emotion of the moment get to him. He, Jack O'Neill, had let his feelings hang out there in full view. Okay, maybe if I pretend it didn't happen …?
"So Carter, it's getting chilly. Maybe we should head back. It'll be dawn soon and we have a busy day ahead of us."
Okay, she thought, Option #1 - Avoidance.
Dead silence.
"I should probably get to bed. You know the 'Great O'Neill' needs his beauty rest. Can't impress the natives if I'm looking tired."
Option #3 – quips.
Dead silence.
'Crap', this was getting really awkward! "So, any thoughts about what this Guardian place we're going to tomorrow is all about?"
Yup, Option #2 – Deflection.
Dead silence.
"Look Carter, are you ever going to talk to me again? I'm sorry if I offended you – I really didn't mean anything by it".
"Didn't you Jack? Why did you say it then?" (Hey, making Jack squirm was kind of fun. She should have tried this before).
"Well, you know. You were being kind – you're a nice person Carter."
"So, do you tell all women who are nice to you that you love them?"
"No" (shit – this was getting harder) "of course not".
"So – you only say it to officers you work with?"
"Geez – of course not Carter – I'd be up on charges".
"So, who do you say it to then?"
Dead silence.
"Jaaaack,. I think maybe it's time to talk."
Oh God no – please, not 'talk' anything but that, he thought to himself. Where's a good Goa'uld torture chamber when you need one?
"About what?"
"About the fact that you just said you loved me. About the fact that we've left it in the room long enough. About the fact that I'm absolutely crazy about you and want to grab you right now and kiss you. About why you like cake so much. You know, just a few things like that."
Long pause …."Well, cake is good and makes me happy."
She laughed. This really was like pulling teeth, she decided. Right now she did want to kiss him – but she also had a strong desire to turn him over her knee and spank him (hey – that had some possibilities – no – keep your mind focused Sam!).
"Jack, please, be serious. I think it's time, don't you. You must know how I feel about you, how I've felt for years. I had hoped that things would change last year but with you moving to Washington and me back on SG1 we never seemed to have the opportunity. Well, I'd like to take that opportunity now. Neither of us are getting any younger Jack and I don't want to waste any more time."
Although Sam was not to know it, what she had just said was probably the one thing which could harden Jack's resolve. He had been feeling so old and tired – and her words just underlined his age – and the different stage each of them was at in their careers and, if fact, their life. For a moment he had felt himself weakening but he knew, for her sake, he had to be strong.
"Sam, I'm sorry" he murmured, "I should never have said anything – I was simply caught off guard by the atmosphere. Thinking of Charlie made me feel nostalgic and sad. You gave me comfort Carter and I really appreciated that. I'm sorry if what I said made you think.."
"Stop it Jack! Don't even try to make me believe that. I know you! I know you don't want to deal with this, but please, for my sake and your own, be honest. Tell me how you really feel. Jack please – talk to me!"
For a few moments there was more silence, then Jack sighed. "You're right Carter. I'm sorry. You deserve more from me than that. Okay then, here it goes. Yes, I love you. I've loved you a long time. You're not just a national treasure Sam, I think of you as my treasure. But it can't be Carter. As much as I know you think everything will be fine it's not true. There are no 'happy ever afters' – at least not for us. You have a whole life left to lead – a wonderful career to look forward to Sam. I'm nearing the end of mine. Oh, if I were being selfish I'd take what you are offering in a second and hold on to you and never let you go. But I love you too much for that. I can't be selfish and take what I want. Eventually being with an old man like me would destroy you. Sam, I love you more than you will ever know and because of that, I have to walk away."
"No Jack, you're wrong." reaching out, she grabbed his arms. "Being with you would never destroy me. Don't you understand? Don't you know what you mean to me, what you've brought to my life" she shook him. "My whole life, I was the smart one, the good girl. I always strove to make my Dad proud – to be what he wanted, to make my teachers proud – to prove how great they were to have taught me. But even with all this, I never felt like I measured up. Yes, I could quote all sorts of theorems and mathematical formulas, but inside was this little girl who was unsure of herself, scared to be something more than the 'brains'. Even after I joined the Air Force I spent all of my time proving myself. I could compete with the guys, I could be a great officer. But again, inside, I was scared. It wasn't until I joined your team that that changed."
"Sam … please."
"You are the first person who truly believed in me - not just me, Samantha Carter genius, but me, Sam, the person with the crazy, quirky sense of humor, the person who wasn't always sure if her ideas would work – but who you trusted anyway. Sometimes you pushed me, sometimes you even angered me – but you always respected me, always made me want to be better than I was. At the same time, I knew you liked me as I was – I didn't have to be better for you, I just wanted to be. Jack O'Neill, you could never destroy me – you've only made me reach for the stars in so very many ways."
For what seemed like forever, he couldn't speak, couldn't get past the tightening in his throat. God, what good thing had he done in life to deserve someone like this? How could he let her go? For a brief moment he leaned into her, his face softening with love and tenderness. Yes, it was possible, he could love again, be loved again. He tentatively reached up with his hand and very gently touched her cheek. He slowly caressed her face, her jaw, her lips. He leaned forward slowly closing his eyes ….
A cracking of branches, a cough and startled he jumped back. Captain Sherman of SG8 appeared, obviously checking out the sounds he had heard.
"I'm sorry Sir, Ma'am. I didn't realize it was you." He turned to leave.
"It's okay Captain. We were just about to head back." With that, Jack stepped farther away from Sam, not just physically, but emotionally as well. He again hardened his heart.
"Sam, you'd better go. This can't be Carter. You know I will always be there for you but not in this way. I won't – I can't do that to you."
"Jack …."
"No, please Colonel, just go. No more, Enough … you have to leave. I'm sorry, so sorry."
With that he turned his back, and walked away, deeper into the forest.
"No" she cried, she screamed. Or at least she felt like she had. But it was a silent cry, a silent scream. "Jack, I love you, I need you." But she was speaking to the wind.
Heart broken, soul shattered, she headed back to camp. When she arrived, she saw Teal'c standing outside their tent looking towards her. Without saying a word she walked into his arms and started to sob.
"Teal'c – I was so close. I thought he would give in, that he would love me. That he would let me love him. What am I going to do now?"
"Samantha, do not give up. You knew this would be hard. This was just the first battle – the war is not lost. O'Neill is a formidable opponent but he can be defeated. You must not let his words hurt you or deflect you from your goal. You must be the strong warrior I know you are."
"Remember Sam", came a soft voice from behind her, "take no prisoners". I think maybe it's time for Plan B.
Looking at the two men who meant so much to her, her brothers, Sam took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and prepared for battle. They were right. When had Samantha Carter ever let the odds, the impossible, defeat her. Now was not the time to give up. Now was the time to get serious. Enough sweetness, enough being the 'nice girl, the good friend, the good officer'. Sam Carter, kick ass woman was on the rampage. If she had to camp outside his Pentagon office, if she had to follow him around and make his life miserable, if she had to stand naked outside his house with a placard around her neck saying 'Jack O'Neill loves me', she was going to do it. She was going to force him to give up and accept the inevitable.
Reaching up to Teal'c she gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. She then moved to Daniel and gave him a hug saying. "Thanks guys, I needed that. Tomorrow, Jack is not going to know what hit him."
With equal grins Sam, Daniel and Teal'c each retired to their assigned tents and pondered what the immediate future would bring for themselves – but especially for one General Jack O'Neill.
