Helena couldn't sleep.
She wanted to see the redhead. She was so lonely there, in her room.
She got out of her bed and looked through the window. She could see the ClockTower from there.
Barbara was there, sleeping.
She wanted to see her.
The clock blinked one am.
It was late, but her need to see the older woman was stronger than her reason.
She grabbed her pants and dressed as fast as she could before jumping out of the window and heading toward the clock tower.
The night was clear, the sky was full of stars. It took her a few minutes to arrive at her destination.
She landed smoothly on the balcony of Barbara's penthouse. Opening the window of Barbara's bedroom carefully, she peeked inside, her bed was empty.
Where was she?
She heard the television in the living room and jumped inside the room. She went toward the door and opened it slowly.
The room was dimly lighted, the big screen had an old movie.
She felt a stab in her chest.
Barbara was lying on the couch over Wade, kissing him. He moved his hands over her body which such confidence that she wanted to kill him.
Helena pressed her fist in balls, she wanted to yell at him not to touch her.
She wanted to beat him and kick him out of the room.
She lowered her head. Fuck.
He was Barbara's boyfriend. She had chosen him… she wanted to be with him.
Helena closed the door softly.
Resting her back on it, she felt her heart breaking.
Fuck, she loved Barbara.
She was screwed.
She heard her laughing.
Her laugh was marvelous.
She couldn't stand it. She jumped through the window to the dark night.
Barbara lost track of Helena again a few days later. She looked for her unsuccessfully at the bar and her home.
She had vanished.
She was in a bad mood. Why did Helena always do that? She hated these disappearing acts. She was so childish sometimes. But, she didn't know why she had disappeared.
She hadn't seen her the last two days and it felt like weeks. She wanted to see her, it was incredible how much she wanted to see her.
She couldn't concentrate on her job at the Foundation, wondering where Helena could be. She worried that she was sick or hurt, she couldn't find any reason for her absence.
"Barbara?" Wade asked.
"Yes?" She blinked, noticing she was distracted.
"I asked you if you are not hungry. You didn't touch your salad and now you haven't touched your dessert."
They were in a restaurant at the center of town, one of the most popular. The handsome man had invited her to lunch after going to see her at her office. It was a cloudy, rainy day. It had rained more that day than in the last five months.
"I'm sorry, Wade." She put her napkin over her knees and touched his hand, feeling guilty for not paying attention to him. "I'm still thinking about office business."
He gave her a soft kiss on her lips. "Don't worry, love."
"I feel I hadn't given you the time you deserve," she apologized, "but I have been so busy."
"And in a very bad mood," he pointed out and took her hand in his. "May I help?"
She took a deep breath. It was hard to answer that question when she didn't understand her own reactions.
"It's just a bad day, Wade," she responded, moving back in her chair. "Don't worry. Everything will be much better tomorrow."
"I came back a month ago, and I feel your distance. I'm thinking that maybe we need to take some time off together." He smiled at her and showed her an envelope "Why don't you ask for a vacation? We could go to Bermuda."
"What is this?" Barbara frowned, looking at the envelope.
"Plane tickets. Next week."
Green eyes looked at him incredulously. "You are joking."
He kept smiling at her. The redhead took the envelope and opened it. Inside there were two plane tickets.
He was not joking.
"This is so sweet…" Barbara mumbled, not knowing what to do "But… I have work and…"
"Please." He squeezed her hand "Share a moment with me."
"I…"
"Just think about it and don't say no now. It's only Tuesday."
Suddenly, a thought struck her.
"What day is today?" she asked.
"Tuesday," he said.
"I mean, the date…"
"The seventh."
"Seventh…" she mumbled. She knew where she could find the brunette. "Heavens…."
"Something wrong?"
Barbara took his arm with her hand. "I'm sorry, Wade, I have to go."
"Why? What happened?" Wade asked surprised.
"I forgot something very important."
"But Babs…"
"I can't explain now. What do you think if we see each other later and we talk about this trip then?"
"All right. I'll call you."
She smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss on his lips before standing up and heading for the door.
It hadn't stopped raining.
She was right, Helena was there. The place was empty; the rain had kept away all the visitors, except her. She lifted the lapels of her coat and walked toward the dark haired woman.
Wearing her usual black clothes, Helena sat in front of her mother's grave and didn't seem to notice the falling rain.
The young woman didn't know how long she had been there, she felt confused.
She couldn't remove the image of Barbara kissing him from her mind. The image of her on top of him, letting him touch her.
Crap.
She cracked, unable to hold it in any longer, and sobbed.
She missed her mother so much. She had needed her all those years, she had felt so alone. She wished she was alive so she could ask her for advice. Her world had broken and she had lost everything.
And when she was with Barbara she felt like she was home again, safe.
She felt like she had everything back that she had lost.
She knew she felt something for the redhead, maybe something stronger than she wanted.
Her heart raced every time she was close, she felt butterflies in her stomach when she was with her.
At the same time she felt panic, panic about those feelings growing inside her. It was not right, it was not fine.
Some days, she just wanted to leave and never see her again, but she was a coward, she couldn't imagine a day not seeing her.
She was not that brave.
Barbara meant so much to her - home, safety, happiness… she didn't want to lose all those things she thought she had lost forever.
At the same time, it was killing her to know she spent her time and… nights with Wade.
She wanted to kick his ass. Kill him, cut him in slices, yell at him not to touch her.
"Are you okay?" She suddenly heard Barbara's soft voice behind her.
"Yes," she said.
The older woman sat next to her, not saying a word.
She sat with her for a long time. She didn't say anything, but it wasn't necessary, it felt so good to have her close, be in her company.
But she belonged to him. She would lose her again, and it hurt, it hurt like hell..
They were there until the darkness began to fall.
"You are soaked," Barbara mumbled softly. "You will be sick. Let's go home."
The brunette nodded.
---------------
Helena's place was small. Barbara had been there just a few months ago. The brunette took a warm shower, reluctantly, but Barbara finally had convinced her to do it. She was soaked and cold. She had been at the cemetery for hours in the cold rain.
She had also insisted on going home with her. Helena was not the same radiant young woman she used to be. She seemed distant, sad.
Barbara removed her coat and shoes. She was all wet with the rain. She took a towel and dried her hair. She observed the apartment. Helena had good taste, the sparse furniture was stylish. The kitchen was empty and the fridge was full of frozen food, beer, water and milk. She avoided decoration like flowers and other items. She just had a medium size picture of her and her mother in her bedroom on her night table.
Helena adored her mother. She was her entire world and the memory was painful for the girl. She had seen such sadness in the brunette's face that she had insisted in accompanying her to her home.
The brunette, a person that loved to argue, hadn't objected. She must feel so bad.
She heard Helena finishing her shower, and took a cup of tea she had just prepared for her to her room.
"You are soaked, Barbara," the brunette said when she saw her walk in. "Why don't you take a shower, too?"
"I'm fine. I prepared some tea for you."
"No way." Helena went toward her closet and took out some grey pants. "These will fit you. Outside was freezing. I don't want you getting sick."
Barbara looked at herself, she accepted the pants.
"Yeah, you are right. Take your tea, I'll take a shower."
When the redhead finished the shower, she found the brunette lying on her bed watching a movie.
The redhead sat at the other side of the bed and laid down.
"This is wonderful, it is freezing outside," she said, closing her eyes and trying to sound light.
Helena would be grumpy, but she knew that, inside, she missed not having a family. She had never seen Bruce as her family. She was broken after her mother's death. She closed herself to everybody, even her; but she never had quit on her.
The brunette had such rage inside her that she could destroy herself. Barbara didn't want that for her.
She always kept trying and, slowly, Helena had been accepting her, coming to her and accepting her comfort. Accepting her as part of her life.
Just… sometimes she wondered how far things were going. How deep her feelings for her were.
"It's almost winter." The dark haired woman turned to see her.
"What are you watching?" the redhead asked looking at the screen.
"Indiana Jones. Old, but good."
"Cable or satellite?" Barbara crossed her arms behind her head.
"DVD, I have the collection. I don't pay to watch TV anymore."
"Why not?"
"I can go to your house and watch it for free." Helena grinned.
Barbara chuckled.
"Are you comfortable? This bed is not as big as yours."
"I'm fine, don't worry."
The brunette gave her a popcorn bowl. "I made this for you."
"Oh great."
Helena took a deep breath. They kept lying there, on the small bed.
Helena always felt alone on this date, but, today, with Barbara at her side, she felt she had everything, that she didn't need anything else. When the movie finished, she gazed at the redhead. She had her eyes closed.
"Are you tired?" she asked softly.
"Yeah…" the redhead mumbled "I have been working late, searching for that new crime lord."
"No clues yet?"
"No…"
The beep of Barbara GPS filled the small room. The redhead took it and read the message.
Helena watched her television. It was Wade, she was sure of it. He was looking for her.
"If you need to go, you can go," she said with low voice.
The redhead sat up on the bed and looked at her. "It's not a good time for you." And the truth was that she felt very comfortable at that moment. She felt relaxed and peaceful.
"Why don't you go with him?" Helena asked, sitting on the bed, too.
"I don't want to."
"You can go, seriously." The brunette took Barbara's hand, "Thanks for being here."
The contact, so gentle, made Barbara shiver lightly. Helena didn't usually touch her. She was looking for physical contact, she usually refused it. She smiled at the younger woman.
"I don't want to leave you alone," green eyes fixed on blue, "not today."
"Really, Barbara.."
"I'm fine, too. Right here, now," the redhead said lowering her head and looking at her fingers.
Helena looked their entwined hands, too.
"There are days that I miss her so much," she suddenly mumbled
"I felt like you when I lost my mom," Barbara said regarding her, she felt Helena pressing her fingers against hers, almost instinctively.
"You still remember her?"
"Every day. It's a feeling that stays with you forever."
The brunette inhaled deeply and moved her hand away. She looked at the screen.
"It was Wade?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Go with him," Helena said. "He wants to see you. I'll be fine."
Jade eyes locked on her. "Are you?"
Helena nodded and leaned back again.
The redhead bit her lower lip. Wade was waiting for her call. She was sure that Helena was usually alone on that day. The woman didn't trust on anyone and… Barbara had never had been with her on the anniversary of her mother's death.
She looked at her pager.
She pressed some buttons and put it on the night table next to her. She leaned back on the bed and hit the pillow with her hands.
"I hope you don't snore too much," she said.
"Uh..?" the brunette mumbled, not understanding what she was doing, "but…"
"I feel very comfortable here at the moment," the redhead closed her eyes, "and I'm tired."
"But Wade…" Blue eyes blinked.
"I already sent him a message. I told him I'll see him tomorrow." She opened her eyes and looked at the brunette "And I hope you have the pizza delivery number. I'm hungry."
A big smile filled Helena's face.
Barbara knew it was a bad day for her and she had preferred to share with her. To spend time with her and not Wade.
Helena loved her, she really loved her.
Harley Quinzel sat at the desk in her office; she was interviewing a group of hired killers. The lead mercenary sat at the desk while the other three stood in the back behind him.
"I'm so glad you could come in." She leaned back in her chair, a pen in her hands. "Why don't you tell me a little about yourself and your friends?"
"I'm a little confused. You're a psychiatrist?"
"Well, that's part of who I am. I don't suppose you tell people at cocktail parties that you're a mercenary for hire, willing to kill as brutally as necessary, if the price is right?"
"I usually leave out the killing part." He smirked.
"Precisely. Just as I usually leave out my plan to take over all of New Gotham and bring the city to its knees. But that's why you're here," Quinzel explained. "Due to a regrettable level of incompetence among the scientific profession, I seem to have lost an integral part of my plan in the hands of two nasty ladies."
"I can help you to solve your problem."
"So, convince me –" she moved back in her chair "Why are you and your men right for the job?"
The lead mercenary casually looked down at the letter opener on the desk in front of him. He picked it up and in a single movement turned around and threw it at one of his colleagues behind him. The Man caught the letter opener before it hit his face.
An impressive move.
"Consider yourself hired." She smiled.
"Now I need you to give me all the details."
"Have you heard about a woman dressed in black that catches criminals?"
"Yes, I heard they call her 'Huntress,' but she sounds like a legend," the man said.
"And have you heard about Batgirl?"
"A legend too."
"Sorry to disappoint you, they are not legends." She took an object inside her desk and pushed it with her fingers towards him.
"What is this?" He took the small object in his hands. It seemed to be a bat.
"It's like a hook; she uses it to climb buildings."
"So, she is not a legend?"
"No, like Huntress, she is all too real. You job is to fix that situation and kill them."
"It wWill be an easy job."
She sighed and rolled her eyes dramatically. "That what my last maen said." She sighed, "And now he rests in peace."
"Did they kill him?" he asked, intrigued.
"No," she laughed sarcastically. "With their stupid 'hero' code, they are so dumb sometimes." Quinzel crossed her arms over her desk and winked at him "I'll just say that if you fail, you should pray that I don't find you. I hate mistakes."
Barbara awakened, feeling so relaxed.
It took her a few seconds realize she was not in her bed. She rubbed her left eye with her palm, thinking. The light purr at her side made her remember where she was and why. She turned her head to her right and noticed Helena was curled next to her, with her head resting on her arm. She smiled and snuggled her closer, giving her a soft kiss on her forehead.
She fixed her eyes on her face, she was so peaceful in her sleep. She was so beautiful.
That was when she realized it----
It hit her like a rock.
She loved her…
Great.
This was just great.
She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples.
She was supposed to be straight and in a stable relationship with a handsome and incredible man.
This was not right. Helena trusted her, she was her family. But she really felt something deep for her. It was much more than a friendly love, it was a deep and strong feeling that made her heart jump in with joy every time she saw her, that made her feel her empty every time she was far.
Helena mumbled something and wrapped an arm around her waist. She noticed then, her fingers were stroking the young woman's hair.
Helena didn't refuse her touch, or to be close to her; it meant she trusted her. She was sure of it, but the young woman didn't want to admit it.
She remembered the night the brunette had kissed her before falling unconscious, a question had been flying inside her mind since then: Why she had kissed her?
Helena snuggled impossibly closer to the redhead.
The brunette dreamed she was with Barbara under a tree, they were just lying there and she was resting her head on the redhead's lap, she was stroking her hair. Her mother used do it and she always loved it. She felt at peace.
Barbara always made feel her like that. It was weird. On one hand, she didn't want to feel anything for her, not feeling was the best way to not get hurt, but on the other hand, she was like a Siren's call for her, she couldn't avoid wanting to be close to her.
It felt so good, she wanted to stay there forever.
Only… she was not dreaming.
She remembered what had happened the prior night. Barbara had stayed with her and they'd talked until late.
It was pretty obvious that Babs didn't mind her being close. It felt so good to be loved, to feel someone really caring for her. Barbara had never quit on her, she had always been there, she had told her they were family.
God, she loved this woman so much, but the kind of love she offered was so different than sisterly.
"Morning, lazy cat," Barbara whispered softly.
Oh crap, Barbara knew she was awake.
She had been caught.
"I'm sorry," she said, blushing and moving back slowly.
"It's fine, Helena." Barbara kept her still, stroking her hair.
Man. It would be better for Barbara to stop doing that. Helena buried her face in the other woman's side. She now needed a good excuse to…
"Can I ask you a question?" the redhead asked, interrupting her thoughts.
"Uhhhh?" Helena lifted her head lightly and looked at her.
"Why sometimes when I touch you, do you run away as if you've see a demon?"
"I don't…"
"I'd like you to feel that you can be close to me," Barbara said softly and smiling. "I enjoy your company."
"Me too—" the brunette sighed.
"What are you afraid of, Hel?" the redhead asked. "What do I have to do to earn your trust?"
"It's not that."
"What is it then?" Barbara kept her tone gentle and non-threatening, trying to encourage her to talk.
The brunette took her time, it was not easy.
"I don't want to feel that again…" she finally said.
"You need to give yourself a chance, you are young, you still have so much to live for."
"It's not so easy, Barbara… I can't do it."
Helena kept silence.
"Why not?"
"I need to find him."
"Find who?" the redhead narrowed her eyes.
"The man who killed my mom." The brunette sat up. "I need to find him… kill him."
The redhead pushed herself up and bent her knees, resting her arms on it.
"You don't know what you're saying. Killing will destroy your life."
"My life is already destroyed, Barbara."
"I don't think so. You have a life, a job, friends… You have a home."
"I don't have a home, that was gone long ago."
"I have offered my home as your home."
The brunette avoided her look. "I live fine on my own."
Barbara smiled. The last months, after they had become friends, Helena spent almost all day with her at the Clocktower. She didn't want to push her, she knew that the truth was that she was very afraid to lose any person she loved, as she had lost her mother.
"All right," the redhead said, "but my home is your home. Just…" she lifted her index finger.
"Just?" the brunette asked, intrigued.
"No chicks inside." Barbara stood up and went to the bathroom "I know your reputation."
"It's not so bad."
"I know. For that reason, I'm warning you. I'll take a shower. What do you think if we go to …" she checked her watch, it was really late. "…lunch?"
"But… Wade?"
"I'll see him later. In fact," she said and sighed, "he has invited me to go to Bermuda."
"Bermuda?" Helena felt a stab in her gut.
"I haven't spent that much time with him, so he thought it would be a good idea to spend a weekend alone." She looked at the brunette "What do you think?"
"It's fine." She shrugged her shoulders. It was something she didn't expect.
Barbara fixed her eyes on her. "Do you think?"
"Yes."
There was a deep silence in the room.
"So, what do you say?" the redhead said. "Want to get some lunch?"
"Sure." Helena nodded.
"Excellent." Barbara chuckled, closing the bathroom door behind her.
Helena stared at the door. Barbara was a wonderful woman…
She needed to stop thinking about her in that way. She was a woman with a very dangerous hobby, just like her father.
And her heart belonged to another person, to Wade.
She moved her head, she felt confused.
TBC
