Chapter 4:
Book Loki:
You couldn't imagine the hatred I had for myself. The moment I knew that I was a monster. A cold-blooded monster. Cursed for eternity. What hurt me most was what Odin had done; he had kept it a secret from me for my whole life. I used to run around and battle with Thor, and I could see Odin's face, how his eyes were fixed on Thor. Whenever Thor won, he would make it seem like a huge accomplishment. Whenever I did, he would leave his seat in silence. I should have known that there was something wrong, something… hideous about me.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw the scars of my past as a lingering ghost behind me. I was mistreated. Disgraced, thrown into the pit of shame. There had to be a time where I rose above that hatred and shame. There had to be a time where had been the master of my choices and decisions. There had to be a time where Odin paid for his deeds.
A lot might think that I should be grateful that he even adopted me in the first place. Why?
So I could live in this beautiful place known as Asgard with those beautiful people, when deep on the inside I was a monster? And so I would never have the chance to stand out of the crowd? So I would never have the chance to make my "father" proud?
I tried once to do it for him. I destroyed my own race. I turned against my brother, Thor. And what did I get?
Absolutely nothing except a "No, Loki."
Well, my dear father, it was my time to say "No, Odin."
That was the moment I decided to rule Midgard. I am not even sure anymore if I did it out of my unconscious mind that wanted to show him so badly that I could do something powerful and that I wasn't just that naïve boy who lived in his brother's shade.
Once again, I had failed.
Oh, what a failure I was. A God humiliated by a bunch of humans. Those nasty creatures who would sell their own family for money, who would kill in the name of religion, who would put their pleasures before their manners. Being here, in Midgard, I only explored human's nature more closely. And I'm glad that I hadn't been wrong about them.
Clint and Natasha, who killed without blinking an eye. They killed people because of orders. They didn't bother to question who they were supposed to kill. Or the family of the one they were going to kill. Or why. It was an easy job for them. Receive an order. Find him. Pull the trigger.
I couldn't see how they were any better than me.
But I guessed for every rule there was an exception. Sam was the exception for the human race. I could see it in his eyes - the man who lived to tell the tale of endless pain and unbearable suffering. Something I knew very well. But I couldn't simply trust him and give in, telling him everything I knew about the Nightmare. I just couldn't. I had a deal, and I was intending to keep it. Nightmare had made me promises of Asgard and Midgard. That was all I had craved ever since. Nightmare refused to tell me about the man that commanded him, but I didn't care. All I cared for was the revenge. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge.
But then came Sam and actually talked to me, and he crashed my perfectly built world of future visions and plans for my kingdoms. Crashed them with his words. They weren't just words randomly thrown to calm me down or the words that pulled information that he needed out of my throat. They were sincere.
Ha. Someone actually cared about me, and it was a total stranger. I guess it is true what people say, one tends to accept strangers as they are, but one doesn't accept the changes in someone they already know. Pitiful world, pitiful humans.
He had changed something. I didn't dream of ruling the worlds anymore. That feeling of greatness, that had always filled me, had disappeared. Instead, I was filled with weird feelings; I couldn't really explain them, maybe because I had never experienced them before. Maybe it was something people call care… or maybe even Love? I had had my moment of doubt when I wanted to throw it all away and just reveal Nightmare's plan to the Avengers, but then again, as I always had been misunderstood, they would accuse me of betraying them again. Ignoring the fact that I just told them everything.
It wasn't the time for being sensitive and gaining my emotional side back, it had died a long time ago, together with Odin's disapproval. Nightmare was counting on me, because I was a shape shifter and it would be easy for me to disguise in any Avenger meat suit and get them the others to sleep, so Nightmare would continue his part of the job. Killing them.
Nightmare was a Class Three demon, who influenced the dreams of living beings as they were sleeping, feeding on humanity's psychic energies in particular. Nightmare occasionally singled out souls for special tortures, sometimes trapping their dream-selves in his realm. This time, those souls were the Avengers.
One thing I was curious about was why the Avengers? He had his own realm and was a ruler of his own world. Was it in a sought of absorbing the entire waking world into his realm? And did he think starting off with Avengers wouldn't be bad as they were known to be the strongest? Too many questions confused me. And when I had asked him his only answer was, "That's what my master wants."
I doubted that. No one simply did things without hidden purposes.
I hesitated about Dean though. He was Sam's brother and I didn't want to lose the only person that actually wanted to reach out for me. So I enchanted him. He would be asleep, Nightmare would come for him, but he'd fail to kill him. And I would just convince him to move to the others while I figure out what was wrong. Perfect plan. Extending time to get to know Sam better.
I had pushed him away the first time; it had been essential. I couldn't let him feel like I was a miserable person who was waiting for a slightest spark of hope.
Speaking of brothers, Thor had been absent for quite a long time now. I started to worry about him.
