Barbara was sitting in a wheelchair, staring at the base of the hospital bed.
She had awoken two days before and found her father taking care of her. She barely could remember what had happened, just the argument with Helena and the unknown man stumbling against her.
-Greetings from an admirer miss Gordon. See you in hell.-
Who was he referring to?
Who had sent him?
She couldn't understand.
She let her finger brush a bit of dust off her pants.
Helena had come back and helped her. She had flashes of Helena crying, saying she loved her when she was lying on the cold snow, but since that day she hadn't come back.
Every time the door opened her heart jumped waiting see her. But she had never come.
She had been calling, but she hadn't answered her phone calls.
This was not good.
Heavens, she had committed a terrible mistake. She covered her eyes with her hand, she wanted to cry. Why she had listened the doctor? Why did she always screw it all up?
She felt guilty, she had hurt her again, she always seemed ready to do it.
The door opened and Alfred walked inside.
"All is ready Miss Barbara," he said "your father is waiting downstairs to take you home."
"Has Helena called?" she asked softly.
"Every day, I told you, to know how are you doing."
"Did you tell her that I want to talk with her?"
"Yes."
Barbara exhaled. "And she doesn't want to do it."
"No." he said standing up behind her.
Barbara nodded.
"She asked me not to tell you she had been asking me to know about you." The old man crossed his hands on his back. "I saw her last night. She is very sad… May I ask you what happened?"
"I love her Alfred," Barbara said sadly "I really do, but I'm afraid Helena loves me, but she is not in love with me. I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't want. It breaks my heart just to think I never would see her again, but… I don't want her to commit a big mistake."
"Miss Barbara, it's hard to make Helena do something she doesn't want."
"I have the feeling she is confusing gratitude with love."
"I think you are wrong." He said. "Miss Helena has been in love with you for years."
Green eyes blinked. "Alfred, we were arguing all the time, she always said she hated me. This is new for us."
"Miss Barbara, there is a thin line that divides hate from love. She always loved you, but she didn't want to accept it, she was so scared to be loved and to give love that she thought hate would be easier." She took a deep breath "Miss Helena is broken, she has spent the last days locked in her place drinking."
Barbara frowned. "What?"
"She is broken miss Barbara, you broke her heart, and if you can't see the love she feels for you, I think you are committing the worst mistake of your life."
"Did you see her?"
"Yes, she is really broken, I have never seen her like this. You need to open your eyes and see the truth."
"I'm confused Alfred… Why she then…?" the redhead took his hand "I didn't want hurt her. Could you please go to see her again and ask her come to see me?"
"Sure, I'll try it. But I think you'll need to try another plan. I don't think she will come to see you."
The brunette sat on the floor next to her bed, she had a glass with whiskey in her hand and a bottle to her side. She had her left leg bent in front of her and her arm resting on her knee and just stared at the far wall.
She felt like shit, she had felt like shit all the last week.
Why did Barbara keep playing with her feelings? She had promised not do it again…
She rubbed her eyes trying to contain her tears. Why had Barbara broken up with her?
She seemed to be happy and comfortable with her.
She had said she loved her.
She had lied again.
She sniffed and cleaned her nose with her arm before swallowed the rest of her drink.
Taking the bottle, she filled the glass again.
She chuckled and drank a bit more of her liqueur. She was an idiot, Quinzel had warned her and she hadn't listened.
She drank a bit more of her glass and closed her eyes. Damn, now she was really drunk. She couldn't stop seeing Barbara's face, her smile, the way she touched her, the taste of her lips.
She was screwed, she covered her eyes with her hand.
Fuck.
Helena's nostrils caught a familiar essence. She snapped her head up and found Barbara standing at her door.
She must be drunk.
She stared at her glass and lifted her eyes again.
Dammit, she was not hallucinating. Barbara was there, standing at the doorframe, supported by a cane. She looked so damn beautiful. Just looking at her made all her hormones run crazy in all her body.
"I don't remember opening the door to you." The brunette mumbled, dammit, it was hard to talk now, she had tons of alcohol inside her.
"You didn't, Alfred has copy of your key." Barbara felt a great sadness seeing her like that.
"Fucking traitor..."
"He is worried for you, like me."
"Go away." she growled drinking her whiskey.
"No, you have been refusing to see me or talk with me."
Helena turned her head slowly to her, her eyes morphed to feral. "Maybe that is because I don't want do it."
"Helena…"
"What part of 'go away' don't you understand?" the brunette interrupted. She stood up and had trouble keeping her balance.
"You are drunk…" Barbara said with sadness. She hated it, she had lost her father for that reason. Alcohol was something that disgusted her.
"So?" Helena walked to her in a threatening way, feral eyes buried on her with anger, she looked like a predator, anyone else would feel intimidated and scared as hell but Barbara looked at her not blinking.
"We must talk."
Helena stood very close to her.
Barbara made a face, she smelled strongly of alcohol.
"Let me tell you this way." The brunette snarled "I don't want to see you ever again in my life! Get out of here."
"I'm not going to go until we talk." Barbara said, she rested her weight on the cane. She winced lightly, she still felt sore. It had been just four days after the attack on the street. "If you want to leave, you can do it, but I'll find you, you know it."
Helena observed the delicate features of the older woman, she felt she hated her as much as she loved her. It was a weird feeling. She raised her hand and took a thread of red hair between her fingers. It was soft. She closed her eyes and moved back.
"Please go…" she whispered bending to pick up the bottle from the floor "I'm drunk, I want to be alone."
"Please, stop drinking."
"Maybe you hadn't realized it, but I'm at my place," Helena waved her hand holding her glass of liquor. She walked past her. "And it's my fucking life."
"I have been looking for you for days." Barbara followed her to her small living room.
"I was busy." The brunette stumbled against a table "You shouldn't be here, you are healing still."
"I'm in love with you." Barbara said "I don't want to hurt you."
"Bad news." Helena sat at her couch and set her bottle on the living room table. "You already did."
"Helena…" Barbara pinched the bridge of her nose "I thought…"
"Do you know what your fucking problem is? You always think, but you never think about me, just you. Everything is about what you want and what you need." The brunette swallowed the rest of the liquid in her glass.
Barbara understood that this was true, she never talked with her before taking her decision. It was her fault. "You are right…" she exhaled "I was just thinking what could be the best for you."
"You can't know what I think or I feel!"
"I don't want you to commit a mistake."
"My fucking mistake was believing in you, in your words!" Helena filled her glass with more whiskey. "I'm just your fucking toy."
"That's not true! Stop drinking please, it hurts me so much to see you like this".
"Sure… keep saying that." The young woman lifted her glass to her, making a toast before swallowing it contents. She cleaned her mouth with her sleeve and extended her arm to take the bottle from the table.
Barbara lifted the cane she was supporting and hit it hard against the bottle, breaking it in pieces.
"Fuck!" the brunette grumbled moving her hand back and covering her face "What's wrong with you?"
"Stop drinking. You smell like shit."
"You are crazy!" the brunette stood up cleaning her clothes of the drops of liquor that had fallen on her.
Barbara fixed her eyes on her "I said we need to talk."
"Why do you want talk?" Helena growled to her "I listened to you! I'm not what you want and you said it was a mistake. Do you want to apologize for fucking me and screwing my life again? All right, it's fine. Apologies accepted, now go!"
"Helena I'm really in love with you. You are the most important part of my life."
The brunette growled and she swept her right hand over the table throwing all the objects on it crashing against the floor with a big noise.
"I'm tired of you and your fucking games!" she shouted.
The redhead didn't flinch, she walked to her "I broke up with you because I thought I was pushing you to be with me and maybe you don't feel love for me, just gratitude and you…."
"Where the fuck did you get that stupid idea?" Helena narrowed her eyes. What was she talking about? "How could you think that? Are you insane?"
"You, you pulled away when I tried to touch you that night!" Barbara answered standing a few feet from her. She wanted to know what was happening. "You were scared! And you… you were acting different… You really made me think this is not what you want!"
"I was acting different?" Helena shook her head, fuck, she was too drunk, it was hard think clearly with alcohol in your veins. "You never know what I need or what I want."
"That's not true." The redhead said.
"Tell me then, why didn't you tell me that you were Batgirl? I thought you were open and honest with me, and no, you didn't trust in me. And now… now you made me think that you loved me," Helena clenched her teeth, her eyes moist "that I was not alone anymore, that I have a home, a family… and… you…" she looked her with sad eyes "Why didn't you just ask instead of 'thinking' for me? It always is about what you think, never about what I think or I want. I'm not a fucking toy, I'm not a fucking child. And you don't understand. You are blind, you can't see me…" she covered her face with her hands "I know how much I love you and… it hurts… hurts to know that you can't see it."
Barbara felt like a piece of garbage. The brunette tried to walk away but she lost the equilibrium and fell to her side. Barbara tried to help but the girl waved her hand.
"I'm okay, I'm okay…" she straightened and rubbed her eyes with her palm. "I think I'm drunk… you better go Barbara, I go, I go to my room."
"Why did I see fear in your eyes that night?" Barbara asked. "Why were you so scared that night?"
Helena passed a hand through her hair and rested her back on the wall.
"Its about that Helena, it made me think that." the redhead said softly moving closer "Your fear, your rejection… made me think you love me as a friend, but not as anything else, that you are not in love with me."
"That's a lie!" the brunette shouted angrily glaring at her. When she lifted her head she noticed that Barbara was close, too damn close. She hated that her presence affected her so much. She lowered the tone of her voice. "You don't know what I'm feeling;" she said softly "you don't know what's inside me."
"Tell me then, help me to understand you, you confuse me. I know you have been with many other people before…" the redhead said "the idea is… the idea kills me, but I can't do anything. I hate to know you… you lay with other women. Its not nice to think on that… and it is killing me not to know why…" she cleared her throat and looked for her eyes. "Why you can't be with me as… you had been with other women before."
"I'll never would do that!" Helena mumbled.
Barbara felt disconcerted with her answer. "Why Helena?"
She was much closer than the brunette wanted. The young woman looked at her, her eyes were no longer feral, they had turned blue again, a deep blue filled with sadness.
"Because I love you… You are not like all those women… Don't you understand it? You are the only woman I have ever loved. I had fucked many times… but I have never made love. I realized it that day and… it scared me."
All the pieces fell in place for Barbara. She understood many things then.
"You must think I'm an idiot." Helena mumbled moving to a side.
The redhead grabbed her arm and stopped her. "No you aren't. I'm the idiot."
The brunette kept silent not looking her.
"I had been in hell the last days, the thought of not seeing you again turned me crazy. But I really thought I was doing something wrong, that you were with me because I was pushing you to do it… I… I kissed you… I looked for you…. I prefer to let you go, than make you live a lie."
"Why didn't you ask me?" Helena fixed her moist eyes on her.
"Because I'm an idiot. Please forgive me," the redhead cupped her cheek with her palm "I have been so blind and didn't see how much you love me. I need you so much."
Helena closed her eyes a brief second. Barbara's touch made her feel butterflies. She felt her heart beating fast, Barbara had placed a fucking spell on her. She opened her eyes and found herself trapped in intense green regarding her.
"I hate you." Helena whispered.
"No, you don't…" Barbara leaned forward.
"I do…" Helena's pupils fixed on her red lips.
"You can't…" the redhead brushed her lips against the brunette's mouth.
"Why not?" the brunette whispered closing her eyes under the melting touch.
"Because you love as much as I love you." Barbara closed her eyes too and let her tongue trace the inner lips of the dark haired woman.
"But…" Helena moaned under the soft touch "I really hate you…."
"Why?" Barbara's tongue asked for entrance.
"Because I can't stop loving you…" The brunette surrendered and opened to her.
Helena whimpered at the contact, her stomach muscles clenched in sudden desire. She reached a hand behind Barbara's head and pulled her even closer, pressing her mouth to her. Barbara wrapped her arms around her. It was a perfect moment, there was nothing else around them, just them…
Finally, they separated, a need to breathe, they rested their foreheads against each other as they gasped for air.
"Fuck… I'm drunk…" the brunette mumbled. "I'm dreaming you are here…."
"Yes," Barbara kissed her forehead "You are very drunk but you are not dreaming, I'm here."
"I love you so much. I was going crazy thinking I'd never see you again." Blue eyes fixed on the redhead with incredible love and tenderness.
"I'm sorry," Barbara said "I'll never, never do anything without talking with you first."
Helena let her fingers trace the redhead's cheek softly tracing it under her chin. She leaned forward and kissed her again, slowly and with sweetness. She enjoyed the taste of the other woman, she had wanted so much take her in her arms, kiss her, feel her again close to her.
The brunette buried her head on the redhead's neck.
"Mmmmmm…." Barbara whispered tasting her lips "Whisky and Burboun…"
"Oh sorry…" Helena said moving back a few inches "I'm drunk… I know you don't like it but…"
"Hey, don't worry." The redhead smiled at her "But you need a strong coffee and a shower. What do you say if we calm down and talk about it all tomorrow? I don't want anything, interfering between us again."
"Yeah and…" the young woman moved back touching her clothes "I'm a mess now…"
"I agree…" the older woman chuckled "Came on, go take a shower, we can talk tomorrow, I'll go home now."
"No, you need to be resting… you are hurt…."
"I'm fine," Barbara smiled caressing her rebellious lashes.
"No…" the brunette shook her head "I can take you home. You need to be resting."
"I pass, you are very drunk to drive…" Barbara laughed "Don't worry--- Alfred is downstairs."
"Right… I'm drunk…" Helena nodded looking around "But you can't go out, it's freezing outside.… You can stay in my bed…"
"No, don't worry, Alfred will take me."
"No, I don't want you to go out." The young woman shook her head pulling her gently inside her bedroom "It's cold, you stay in my room and…" she waved her hand toward the living room. "I'll stay here…"
"Hel…" Barbara looked for her gaze.
"Just sit and rest." The brunette said making the redhead sit on her bed.
"I'm fine, you are the one who needs to sit." the older woman said amused.
"Do you want a tea?" Helena picked up some cushions from the floor.
"Helena." The redhead said amused.
"The person that cleans my house just came today…" she threw the cushions inside her closet "So don't worry."
The redhead smiled gently taking her hand. "It's fine."
"No, no, you are healing," the brunette stepped back and stumbled against the bench and fell down.
"Careful." Barbara said extending her arm.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." Helena stood up immediately waving her hands "Oh… I forgot Alfred… You stay there and be comfortable, I'll tell Alfred you will stay here…"
"All right, I'll stay if you promise to take a warm bath and a strong cup of coffee."
"Yes, okay." the dark haired woman rubbed her knee hopping to her door. Shit. That had hurt. "So… I'll be right back…"
Barbara smiled, she was lovely. As strong and hard as she looked, the truth is that she was a fragile girl, a girl with a deep need for love and affection.
tbc
