Chapter Seven

I inhaled deeply as I dragged the cigarette away from my lips. I'd cut down a lot over the past year but the stress from this impending divorce had made my habit heavier again. Brittany had hated me smoking so I'd quit for her at some point during college but after she'd walked out I'd taken it up again as a little 'fuck you' to her. I was always doing what Brittany wanted but somehow it still wasn't good enough for her and she'd left me. However, it was a 'fuck you' that I made sure she never found out about as she would definitely use it against me when it came to Natalia. I would never smoke around our daughter anyway but Brittany would definitely hold it against me, especially now when we were going to have to come up with some sort of legal custody agreement.

A bitter laugh escaped my lips as I exhaled. Never in my life would I have imagined that Brittany and I would be trying to find ways to screw each other over. Even before we were together we were best friends. I had spent my whole life doing anything I could to protect that girl, without realising that I was hurting myself in the process. Quinn had always said that Brittany was my downfall. Anything she wanted, I would do it for her. Anything she needed, I would get it for her. I didn't know how to say no to her. I just wanted her to be happy, even if it meant that I wasn't. And now look where I was; single with a part time job while Brittany was in a (secret) relationship and was a deputy principal for a special needs school. Somehow while I was doing anything to help her, her life had eclipsed mine. To say I wasn't fucking happy about it would be an understatement.

If I was to think about it, the last time I could say Brittany and I were truly happy together was when I was in labour. I'd had an easy pregnancy, much to Quinn, Tina (the stupid bitch) and Rachel's dismay. I'd rarely had morning sickness, gained barely any extra weight and had pretty much sailed through the nine months. Everyone was surprised. I'm sure they'd all expected me to be a hormonal mess. To be honest, I had too but everything had been so perfect. Brittany and I were ridiculously excited. We'd been shopping for clothes and diapers and other things that babies needed for months and the nursery was ready before I'd even finished my second trimester. I was so proud that I was carrying Brittany's baby. Everyone that had ever doubted us were being proved wrong. I had a part of both Brittany and I growing inside of me and it felt amazing.

My labour had been a flurry of excitement and a constant stream of visitors. All of our friends were just as ecstatic as we were. We were the last couple in our group to have a baby and they were all so excited to see us go through the experience of bringing a new life into the world together. None of us could have predicted what happened next. It was unimaginable.

I'd first known that was something was wrong about twenty seconds after Natalia was placed in my arms. She was so beautiful. I could see myself in her as well as Brittany. But it didn't feel like she was mine. When I held her I felt the same thing I felt when I had held our friends kids; an overwhelming feeling of love but not a sense of belonging. It was ridiculous, I knew it was. I'd just pushed her out of my vagina for Christ's sake, she was definitely mine. But at the same time she wasn't. It was an indescribable feeling and it still is now. I knew I wasn't supposed to feel like that. When Quinn had given up Beth when we were sixteen she'd told me that she felt like part of her was being ripped apart. Looking at Natalia, I just didn't feel like that. I didn't worry when she was passed around each of our friends, I didn't miss her when the nurses took her away to bathe her. I loved her so much but just not in the way that a mother should. It terrified me. Was I really that heartless?

Mercedes was the first to notice that there was something wrong with me. She and Sam visited Lima six weeks after the baby was born. They lived in California now and ran a family restaurant. They had two kids of their own at that point, a son called Tyler and a daughter called Portia. One Saturday, Mercedes and the rest of the girls, plus Kurt, had come over to see me and Brittany while Sam went to a game with the guys. When Brittany had told me that Mercedes was coming over I had immediately felt uneasy. I had realised in high school that Mercedes had an uncanny ability for seeing things that other people missed. I'd done a good job of hiding how I was feeling from everyone else but I was terrified that Mercedes would see through it. And she did.

We'd all been sitting in the living room having a coffee and catching up. When I say all, I mean everyone else. I was avoiding caffeine because I'd been having trouble sleeping and I wasn't really adding anything to the conversation because although they were my friends, I really couldn't care less about what they had to say. It was difficult for me to keep up with what they were saying and when I did, they pissed me off. It wasn't even like they were saying things that gave me a legitimate reason to be irritated with them; the littlest things were irking me. Like how Rachel held her coffee cup, or how Quinn would mockingly raise her eyebrows when Tina mentioned something that her baby had done, or how everyone would laugh adoringly when Brittany would add a comment. I normally loved these things but right now they were pissing me the fuck off. There was nothing I wanted to do more than just burst into tears.

'I think I'm gonna go to bed, Britt,' I sighed as I stood up from the couch and looked around the room at our friends, 'sorry girls, I'm really tired.'

'Oh, you poor thing,' Rachel said sympathetically as she sat her mug down on the coffee table, 'did Natalia keep you up last night?'

'No, we were really lucky last night and she only woke up once so I went through to settle her so that San could sleep,' Brittany told Rachel before she turned to looked up at me. I could tell from her eyes that she was concerned. 'Are you feeling okay, S?'

'I'm fine, B, I just have a really sore head and I'm so tired,' I sighed as I rubbed my temples. I knew that Mercedes' eyes were boring into me and it made me feel uncomfortable. The longer I stayed in that room meant that she had longer to notice that something was up and no good would come from it. I'd be made to talk about it in front of everyone. They'd all think I was a cold bitch or, even worse, an awful mother.

'You've been sleeping a lot, S, are you sure you're okay?' Quinn asked me worriedly. I could tell she was trying not to make it a big deal.

'Maybe you should eat something?' Kurt added as he offered me a plate. 'The cookies Tina brought are incredible.'

'If you're feeling a bit down, Santana, it's perfectly fine to talk to us about it,' Rachel began. 'We've all been there. Having a new baby is difficult and it's normal to feel overwhe-'

'I'm not overwhelmed, Berry, I just want to go to fucking sleep!' I interrupted her angrily.

They all went silent and stared at me, knowing they'd pushed me too far. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I tried to blink them away but I knew they were going to fall. The last thing I needed was to break down in front of all of them. I quickly stormed out the room and ran upstairs to Brittany and I's bed before burying myself under the covers. I just wanted to escape.

Mercedes had followed me upstairs. She'd sat down on the edge of the bed beside me and rubbed my arm comfortingly while gently questioning me as to how I felt for half an hour. When she realised that I wasn't going to tell her anything, she left after making me promise that I would talk to someone if I felt any worse. I assured her that I would but of course I didn't follow through on it.

The problems between Brittany and I didn't start until a few months later. We'd always had an extremely physical relationship but after having the baby, I was just never really in the mood. It wasn't that I didn't find Brittany attractive anymore, far from it. She was still the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen in my life. I just didn't want to have sex. Brittany tried her best, I mean, really tried, to get me back into the swing of things but nothing worked. Walking around naked, jumping me when she came in from work, showering together, watching porn, lingerie. Absolutely none of it worked.

Ah, the lingerie night. I suppose that's when our real problems started.

I had just come back from dropping Natalia off at my parents for the night. While my Dad was cooing over Talia, my Mom had taken me to the side and asked me about mine and Brittany's problems. I'd told her it how it was: I just really wasn't in the mood. She'd calmly explained to me that it was completely normal to feel that way, that you felt different down there, but the only thing to do was just to 'jump right back on the horse' and it would begin to feel normal again. I'd left my parent's house promising myself that I would try my best, for me and for Brittany.

When I got home, Brittany greeted me in the living room in a black lingerie set. I immediately gave up. It wasn't that it wasn't a nice view, the push up bra was very enjoyable, but the whole thing was just too forced. Before the baby we didn't need gimmicks like lingerie and toys, we were both just ridiculously attracted to each other. Brittany dressing up in lingerie, although nice, wasn't normal for us and that's how I wanted things to be; normal.

Maybe what happened next was my fault, maybe it wasn't. As Brittany walked towards me, I remembered my mother's words. 'Jump right back on the horse and I promise it will be the same as before, Santana'. So I had. For the first time in months, Brittany and I properly kissed. It felt nice, it really did, but there wasn't the same fire that had been there before. I could feel Brittany's passion but however much I tried, I just couldn't match it.

It was slow, excruciatingly slow. Normally with Brittany, I always knew what to do. I didn't have to think about where to put my hands or when to kiss her neck. But this was different. I didn't know what I was doing. I felt like I was driving a car for the first time or something. I knew what I had to do but it wasn't flowing naturally. Every move was calculated. I think Brittany noticed but she put it down to nerves. We hadn't done this in a long time and she knew that I knew how much she wanted it so she helped me, guiding my hands to where she wanted them, kissing me when she wanted to feel even closer to me. When she came, I felt an overwhelming sense of relieve. I'd done it. Yeah, it was weird but I'd get used to it. We both grinned at each other as she breathed heavily, still riding out her orgasm, but for different reasons. She thought we were back to normal while I was just happy to pass today's test.

However, the ecstasy was short lived. She rolled on to me, obviously ready to return the favour. I panicked. I didn't feel ready down there. She was kissing my neck, stroking my stomach. It felt nice. I was enjoying it. Maybe after you'd had a baby you felt different when you were turned on. Quinn hadn't mentioned it to me but then again, she hadn't mentioned a lot of things about pregnancy. Like how my boobs would ache, or how there was a chance I might get piles. She was just saving me from the bad stuff. Had I heard those things before the IVF, I definitely would have thought twice about getting pregnant.

I should have stopped Brittany, told her I was tired, asked to just cuddle. I know I should have but I couldn't. I wanted this, I wanted her. However, my body didn't. When Brittany dipped a finger under the waistband of my panties, we both stopped for a second. To be frank, I was as dry as the Sahara desert. I refused to let her stop. I bucked my hips up to her. We couldn't stop now, everything was going so well. She looked at me hesitantly but I nodded at her to continue.

So she did. Against both of our better judgements, she kept going. She did everything that used to drive me wild. Before the baby, I would have been a mess of sexual frustration, but now? I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was frustrated but in a completely different way. Why wasn't it working? What was wrong with me? I could tell that Brittany felt the same. I coaxed her into putting her fingers inside of me. It was sore. I gave myself a minute to adjust before telling her to move them in and out of me. She did what she was told. Still nothing. I closed my eyes and I imagined the way I used to feel when she did this, hoping that it would stir something within me. I could feel Brittany getting restless. My face was scrunched up in pain whilst she desperately pumped her fingers in and out of me, faster and faster. Tears formed in my eyes. It was so painful. It was too much.

I cried out in agony. Brittany shot away from me. We both looked at the tears that began to stream down each of our faces. She began apologising, over and over, begging me to forgive her. She couldn't bring herself to touch me. She'd hurt me and she hated herself for it. I knew that I needed to say something to her but the words wouldn't come. I just kept sobbing. She worked up the courage to place her hand on my leg, meaning to comfort me, but I flinched. Why did I flinch? If I could go back and change anything about that night, it would be that flinch. I never flinched when Brittany touched me, never. I would hug her instead, hold her in my arms and tell her I was sorry, assure her that it wasn't her fault. In that moment, the thing we both needed the most was each other but I'd pushed her away.

Brittany stood up. She was mumbling and I couldn't make out what she was saying. She wouldn't look at me. She quickly pulled on some clothes that were lying in a pile on the chair next to our dressing table. She ran her hands through her hair as the tears continued to stream down her face. Without turning round, she left the bedroom and ran downstairs. I should have stopped her from leaving but I was frozen. A few minutes later I heard her car start up and back out the drive way. Why didn't I stop her?

She came back at around four in the morning. I was still in the same position, curled up on my side on the bed, naked on top of the covers. Tears were still streaming down my face but not as heavily as they had been before. She climbed onto the bed beside me, still fully dressed, and pulled me towards her so that my back was fully pressed against her front. She'd had sex. I could smell it. A fresh wave of tears came over me as I began sobbing loudly. I felt her begin to cry too as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me even closer. She buried her head into the crook of my neck as we both cried until the sun rose.

We never recovered from that night. Brittany tried to make it up to me but we both knew it was a lost cause. We didn't tell anyone what happened. To this day, I still haven't even told Quinn. Brittany and I didn't even talk about it. It's not like we forgot about it, I mean, how could we? We just chose to never talk about it. It was never mentioned. We both knew when the other was thinking about it, there just weren't any words to say how we felt about it. I still don't know how I feel about it. I understand that she was hurt and lonely. She felt rejected. She wanted someone to fill the void so when I couldn't, she went and found someone else who could. But did that make it right? She had cheated on me. I'd never cheated on Brittany. I'd stayed faithful to her since we were eighteen, even when we'd had a fight or when I was annoyed with her. Why couldn't she do the same for me? Why was I never enough for her? And now she was dating a guy?

I was interrupted from my thoughts when Quinn joined me on the porch of the cabin. She sat down next to me on the swinging chair as we both looked out onto the lake. This place really was beautiful. It would be great for a family vacation, if I had a family to take. Maybe I'd suggest to Quinn that we come back with Puck and the kids. Although, I wasn't sure whether we allowed back in the bar or not...

'How are you feeling?' Quinn asked me as I stubbed out my cigarette. She crossed her arms and pulled her cardigan closer to her body.

'Crap,' I replied shortly as I laid my head down on her shoulder.

'What were you doing out here? Apart from smoking,' she asked as she nodded towards the ash tray on the table beside me.

'Thinking about stuff,' I said as I looked out at the lake in front of us.

'What kind of stuff, hm?' Quinn asked me as she brushed the hair in front of my eyes out of the way. Sometimes I felt like Quinn was more like a really cool Mom to me than my friend. We had so much fun together, taking the kids out, going dancing, and getting drunk. Yet at the same time, I could go to her about all my problems and she would give me the best advice. She always listened to me. It was always about what I wanted, not anyone else.

'Brittany stuff,' I replied as I snuggled further into her. I paused and breathed in Quinn's smell. I felt relaxed. 'I really hate her, Q.'

'I know, honey,' Quinn replied quietly as she stroked my head, 'me too.'

'I still love her,' I said even quieter, hoping that Quinn wouldn't hear me.

'I know you do, S,' Quinn sighed as she hugged me even tighter, 'I do too.'

We both sat in silence as we watched a boat speed across the lake, taking in what we'd both just admitted to each other. We'd never spoken about this but we had both always known how the other felt.

'I miss her,' Quinn sighed as her voice broke.

I rubbed Quinn's thigh lightly as I tried to comfort her, the two of us longing for a third person to be there.