Dear, Dad

How are you? Things are good with me. I got a new job (not as a superhero!) and have encountered many Lotad in the land of Alabasta. They don't attack me like your Ludicolo does.

How can you tell if a girl likes you?

-Love, Daz Bones

"Next up...uh...Mr. 0." Miss Valentine said, surprised. "Miss All Sunday, our boss in using a dating service."

"Probably to help raise money, for sure," Miss All Sunday surmised. "He'd be too busy to take on a tramp."

"Me-ow, Miss All Sunday."

"Excuse me?"

Mr. 0 himself was now sitting in the chair, facing the camera. THe chair itself was struggling to support his weight.

"Is this thing rolling?" Mr. 0 asked. Then he rolled his cigar around in his mouth.

Name: Mr. 0 (Sir Crocodile)

Age: 41

Favorite Movie: Scarface

Likes: Dishing out dirt, cowboy hats, gratuitous Italian

Dislikes: Water, rubber, straw hats

"I like a girl who wouldn't mind wearing a maid's outfit," Mr. 0 said, clicking his tongue.

Miss Valentine's jaw dropped.

"At least he's honest," Miss All Sunday coughed.

"And a girl who isn't afraid to get down and dirty," Mr. 0 said, holding back a chuckle. "A girl who is calm, obedient, who works fast pace. A bright smile and a tiny waist. And a cowboy hat."

"I think he likes you!" Miss Valentine bellowed.

"No," Miss All Sunday said to her strictly, "He knows I'm in here, he's trying to push my buttons."

"But no lemons," Mr. 0 said. "Lemons are, in fact, unsexy."

While Miss Valentine glared at Mr. Crocodile though her screen, Miss All Sunday took a few bonbons for herself and ate them.

"I also enjoy spitting in people's boxes of chocolate and giving it to them. Because people shouldn't be eating on the job."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Yes."

Miss All Sunday and Miss Valentine were now in the act of spitting out their chocolate bonbons into garbage cans.

"Yeah, my organization may not be so great now, but we're building up. And I'm the boss, obviously. Heh, I have a bunch of stupid works following my every whim so I can take over this lame little desert. But once I find this super-weapon, ho boy."

"Plotting world domination really makes a man unattractive," Miss Valentine said.

Miss All Sunday was now banging her head against the wall, hoping she could end her suffering soon.

"I like women with curves, bella. Someone who doesn't make me wear a cork for my hook when we're in bed. I want a body, not a friend."

"That's kind of sad," Miss Valentine said. "I guess we've all been hurt so much we've become horrible, jaded people."

"And hairless."

"Miss All Sunday? I'm sorry for making you stay..."

"Can I please have those Ponoglyphs now?" Miss All Sunday asked curtly.

"What? Oh, sure."

Miss Valentine gave her a box full of rocks. Each rock had 'glyphy' printed on it with bright yellow writing.

"'Glyphy' rocks, just like you wanted," Miss All Sunday said warmly."

"These aren't the Glyphs I was looking for."

"Oh yeah, I lied. Deal with it."

"I guess I have a good butt," Mr. 0 chuckled. "Wanna see?"

"Cut the feed, Miss Valentine!" Miss All Sunday snapped. "Cut the feed!"

"Which button? Which button do I press?"

"I'm looking for someone with sandy-blond hair, maybe," Mr. 0 cackled. "Not really, but it makes sense if you knew what I was talking about."

"All Sunday, get the manual."

"This trick, I call 'Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream.'"

Miss All Sunday slammed a hand on her keyboard in front of Miss Valentine. The hand then walked over and pressed a button.

"You press the 'off' button," Miss All Sunday snapped.

Meanwhile, in Mr. 0's room...

Mr. 0 was zipping up and getting up from the chair.

"Good work, if I say so myself," Mr. 0 chuckled.

"I agree, good work, sir!" came a voice.

"Huh?"

The chair started to contort: the front legs became swan-like, and the chair stoof upright and turned into Mr. 2.

"Surprise!" Mr. 2 screeched. "I was in disguise, acting as the chair Mr. 4 so carelessly broke!"

Name: Mr.2 (Bentham)

Age: Older Than Time Itself

Favorite Movie: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Likes: Harry Potter novels, transvestism

Dislikes: The unfunny, fishnets

"I'd like someone who can provide," Mr. 2 said, as Mr 0 punched him in the face. "Someone who has a sense of humor but is kind and gentle. Open-minded, but someone who wouldn't mind living a quiet suburban life, yo."

Everyone stopped to look at him in surprise.

Mr. 2 went on, "I'm not really a fan of...intercourse. I'd just like a simple life with my true love, knitting, having tea, playing the piano, and feeding swans at the park, yo."

"Oh, come on," Miss All Sunday groaned.

"Really?" Miss Valentine asked Mr. 2, apparently forgetting he couldn't hear her.

"Yes!" Mr. 2 cackled. "A quiet suburban life on Newkama Island! Gaaaaaahahaha, yo!"

"Kyahahahaha!"

"I don't like intercourse...unless it's really, really wild, yo!"

"Kyahahahaha!"

Mr. 0 delivered a thorough punch to Mr. 2's face, forever leaving a mark of red on his lips, where a ring from Mr. 0's finger left its mark.