Fourth Letter

May 15th 1998, Grimmauld Place

Dearest Draco,

Now I'm home again while my parents are still in Australia. Harry selfishly offered me my room back till I can go home to our house. I like living here so much that I fear I might never really move back. Besides I think Harry would get a little lonely without me. Sure he has Teddy, but Teddy is just a few months old and not really great company unless you enjoy changing diapers and burping. I don't even know if Harry can take care of him alone. And at Grimmauld Place I'm in London and closer to you. I know. Stupid reason for staying. I don't even know if you want me anywhere near to you. This is harder than I ever thought it would be. Merlin.

You know, there was never a time when I hated you more than during our second year. That was when I thought that you were the heir of Slytherin and had made it your purpose in life to rid Hogwarts of all Muggleborn. To begin with I didn't think that you had it in you to be so mean. But both Harry and Ron were convinced that you were the one. And I am ashamed to say that I caved. I've regretted that ever since. My point is that the time I hated you the most I hated you for no reason at all. That is really weird to think about.

Just think about how different it would have been if you were also our friend during the second year. For once we would never suspect you of being out to get Muggleborns. And that horrid duel between you and Harry would never have gotten out of hand. But you would have been there with Harry and Ron in the Chamber of Secrets when I couldn't. That's another thing I know about you that reminds me of Harry and Ron. You are loyal beyond all else. That's how I can tell for sure that you wouldn't abandon Ginny, Harry and Ron. I am certain that you would be in that chamber with them. Something I even think that perhaps you would have visited me in the Hospital Wing when I was petrified. Harry and Ron both visited me and I hope that your range of loyalty would include me. I would have liked to know that you were with me even if I couldn't sense you there. Kind of like when I go to visit you.

When I woke up this morning, after flying all of yesterday, I went straight to the Hospital. Harry caught me on my way out and asked me where I was going. Once again I played the Neville card. And that was when Harry told me that Neville had been released from St. Mungo's. I swear to Merlin All Mighty that I blushed so hard that my face must have looked like it was going to explode. I stammered trying to find something clever to say. But for once my words failed me. Then Harry looked at me with knowing, piercing, green eyes. He smiled, hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Go see him, Hermione."

I still don't know if he was talking about Neville or you. It could have been both. He might have figured out how I feel for you. Or he might think I have those feelings for Neville. With Harry there is really no telling of what he might know. That boy is a mystery.

Well, I went to the Hospital and found your room easily. You were alone so I went inside and sat in the chair next to your bed. I took your hand. Sorry if you don't like that, but I couldn't just look at you and nothing else. A healer entered the room and I asked him if they had made any progress while I was gone. He was very polite when he told me that unfortunately they hadn't gotten any closer to a cure. But, he added, they were still optimistic. Then he left and you and I were left alone. But your solitude didn't last for long. Suddenly your mother entered the room at it was clear that she didn't like me sitting there with you. Quickly I abandoned the chair, stood up and offered her my hand. She looked at it like it was poisonous. I don't blame her really. Like you she doesn't know the real me.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded to know.

I guess that it's easier to lie to strangers than to your friends, because the lie just rolled of my tongue like ice-cream rolls down an ice-cream cone on a warm day. I told her that I had only come to see you to thank you for saving my life. I think your mother smiled a little at that. She must be really proud of you, Draco. You are lucky to have her. Once the words were spoken I excused myself and left you two alone. I still don't feel like I have any business interrupting your life.

It still confused me beyond everything that I feel all of these things for you, but you can't even tell me if I am out of line. You can't even me some inkling as to your thoughts since you have yet to learn mine. If only I had told you sooner. We wouldn't have this problem then. I could have told you when Fenrir captured us and took us to your home. I could have told you when you saved our lives. You never told them that you knew us. I know, Draco, that you recognized us. But you didn't rat us out. I should have told you just then, when I was sure I was going to die. Only I didn't. No, I decided to wait and wait and wait, and look where that got me. My supposed brilliant mind is not so brilliant when it comes to the social stuff I guess.

True I have never really wanted to deal with any of those things. Whenever something upset me, which was usually you or Ron, I hid myself behind my brain and my books. It has always been my defence mechanism and my way to escape reality and cruelty. I am aware know that that was the wrong way to handle things. But as they say, you learn from your mistakes. I'm just afraid that I learned this lesson to late. I wish you would wake up and tell me if I have any reason to hope. Or if my dreams will always remain just that. Dreams.

Your

Hermione

REVIEW! Haha, needy am I?