Better than Myself Part 3
(Sequel to As a Man)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. But if I could rent to own my very own Ranger, I would be very happy.
Ranger's POV
This is a very peaceful place, I know it is designed to be, but I truly can appreciate how the sense of calm can make some people feel open to change. Although for me, right now, it is making me restless. I am always the man with a plan, with something to do, somewhere to go, a job that needs handled, relaxing is not something I am used to, or very good at. I have never just given myself a chance just to kick back and rest or even have fun. Everything that I have done since I was old enough to make a decision has been about doing something, whether it was productive (joining the army, the Rangers) or destructive (gangs and drugs). There was always something that has to be done.
My workouts are monitored and limited (thanks Tank) to be more about maintaining my physical condition and not the punishing I have been giving myself for the past six months. Pushing my body past exhaustion always with the hopes that I will be able to sleep without dreams or nightmares. I am unable to do that here, so I am sleeping less than usual. I am refusing the offered sleep medications so far, but I am not sure how long that refusal will last, I am just exhausted. I just can't close my eyes for long without some horrible thought or memory slipping in; I am running on about 4 hours of restless sleep a night.
How does that poem by Robert Frost go? But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.
I know I haven't begun the hard work, stripping away my vices of avoidance, is just the beginning. I just don't want to fail at this or have someone tell me that they cannot help me. Assurances have been made that no one will expect me to relive or retell 14 years of abuse, unless there is a specific issue or instance that I need to discuss. The purpose of this is to stop me for separating myself from my feelings.
Yeah, it sounds that easy? I have tried very hard for years not to feel any emotions but anger and lust, if lust is an emotion. That is why I didn't recognize the feelings I was developing for Stephanie until I was so in love with her I couldn't see straight. Love, was one of those emotions that I did not recognize and surely did not have any use for. No one – has gotten into my heart in a romantic way, I would never allow it. And truthfully, no one has really tried; I was a good looking roll in the hay, nice looking arm candy or a potential sugar daddy. I was never someone anyone was serious about being with, I was to quiet, to dangerous or too secretive. I didn't mind because I never was serious about anyone, good looking bed warmers is what I was always looking for. Now I don't want anything but Stephanie. The promises she made before I left, about Morelli, her family and moving in together are helping me get though his. But I will not know until I leave here if something happens to make her unable to keep those promises. It is better that way; I can't base the work I am going to do here solely on my hopes for our future. And I have big hopes for her, not just romantically, but business wise also.
I have felt myself slipping further away from Ella and Tank, who are my family. The two people who have made me feel that I was a part of the world. What I did to Tank when he found the changes I made to my will still fills me with a lot of guilt. I know I scared him to death, he thinks of me as his brother, someone whose back he should always have and I am completely aware that my death will make him feel as if he failed somehow. I didn't really think too much about it when I did it. I just started to feel it was time to make my wishes known to those most important.
When Tank found me in my apartment, I was in no place to explain anything to him, because I didn't really know myself. I don't believe I was considering suicide, I just know I was lonely and exhausted. There has been days before that incident and after where I didn't (don't) think my life is worth living, but not that I don't want to live it. I can admit now (and will talk about what it means while I am here) that there was this overwhelming sense of tranquility when Scrog shot me. I am not afraid to die, I think then I would be able to finally rest.
Thoughts like that in my line of work are dangerous to me and anyone I am partnered with.
So, while Stephanie and all of the plans I have for us was the catalyst for bringing me here. I am also doing this so I can live as part of the world and not as a shadow on the outside looking in. I want what Tank has with Lula, I know he is going to propose and the idea of having a family and more children is starting to appeal to me. But I know my children (including Julie) deserve more than I am now, I deserve more than I am now.
A/N: Life has gotten a little in the way, but I am still really dedicated to this story and am working on the next chapter… the confrontation w/ Stephanie, Lula and Connie. I am also keeping Ranger's plan for Stephanie secret for now. Thanks to everyone for their interest in this story, reviews and suggestions are always welcome.
