Better than myself Part 11

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would steal them if I could, just to make Stephanie make a choice.

Disclaimer: for language and subject matter

I knew that Joe getting arrested would be huge news. I guess I was naive to think that he could get arrested and I could be left out of it. I was so wrong. I had to change my cell phone number because the calls from everyone from the 'Burg was overwhelming. I was still known as his girlfriend and there were reporters every time I went out. Thank God for the Merry Men, having a couple massive, intimidating guys, dressed completely in black with me when I left, usually kept them away. I know everyone wants me to talk; everyone wants me to make a statement. Some want me to say it isn't true, that Joe would never be capable of what he is being accused of, and some just want the gossip of what I knew and how long I knew it.

I will never make a statement; I will not talk about it to anyone not in these walls. No one really wants to know the truth anyway. They just want to be the one with the gossip. Like Lula said, having gossip makes you a celebrity in Trenton. I am not interesting in boosting anyone's celebrity status. The whole thing is very painful, not just the fact that Joe did those things, but the fact that I knew about it for awhile and did and said nothing.

I always knew something wasn't quite right. I just couldn't fully trust him, so I couldn't commit to him. We never had unprotected sex, because as much as he said he was faithful, my "spidey sense" didn't believe it.

When I asked Ranger to have him followed and to keep what he was doing completely documented as if he was conducting an investigation. I wasn't sure what would come up, I didn't want him to tell me everything, and I don't think he knew everything, because he passed the job over to Bobby and Hal. I was only informed when Bobby ran across something that he thought would be a health concern for me (hookers, my sister). When he told me about Val, I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't want to have the confrontation, I didn't want to face that she would betray me.

That is the responsibility for this mess that I will have to take, I was too chicken to call him on his shit and I just let it go on. I think I was living so deep in denial, thinking that it wasn't as bad as I thought and it would blow over. I honestly had no intention of turning him in, even when I broke it off. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I know he was trying to have me committed, and I can deal with attacks on me or on my sanity. It wasn't until I found out he was digging around in Ranger's life that I had to do something. Jason called and told Tank a Detective was calling for information about Ranger. If Joe could find Jason, what would stop him from finding Thomas, and there was no telling what Thomas would say. I couldn't let that happen because of me. But now we are all very unsure on how far into it Joe got before I put a stop to it. He hasn't said anything about Thomas, but Joe hasn't said much and it was making everyone uneasy.

That would be the last thing Ranger would need to come home to. He will have enough going on with trying to get back into his life and merging his old habits with his new ones. Without having to worry, who else knows his deepest secrets.

I still will have to tell him my secrets; at least Tank thinks I should. Dr. Tank, thinks that we need to start our relationship on a clean slate. I know a lot about Ranger and it is only fair that Ranger knows a lot about me. And it would be better to hear it from me, than through some kind of gossip.

I just don't know where I would start. The feelings I have now, I have felt my entire life. The miscarriage just highlighted the problems that were already there. I was binging and purging long before I lost the baby. (Guilt I always have to carry with me, even thought I know it wasn't my fault, it sometimes feels like it). My suicide attempt, wasn't really the first, it just came the closest to being successful. There were times that I took pills and woke up just fine in the morning. It just brought my father into it and I believe he saved my life. I was going downhill so fast, with no fear of death, I don't know what else would have saved me from myself.

Do I need to tell Ranger that I still have occasional issues with food? That when everything in my life seems so out of my hands, food is always the one thing I know I can control. Tank assures me that Ranger will understand that more than I think. I don't see how he would, he doesn't have a problem with food, and he is the healthiest eater I have ever met. Always the same things, the same portions, like an eating machine. I bet he doesn't even think about food other than as fuel.

At least I have this business venture that they want me to be a part of, to keep my mind off of all the craziness swirling around me. I know I want to be a part of it, but I don't think I am really capable of running it. I can help with getting things started and then we will see how it goes. It sounds like the best idea, I know when I was a teenager I was so miserable, but I didn't have anywhere to go to get help, or even just for a small break from the pressures of my life.

I have done a lot of research and come up with a list of ideas for "Arielle's Place" (that's the working title). I have even found a few investors. I just need to figure out where we want to open it. I think that is the biggest sticking point until Ranger returns. I don't want to stay here, Tank doesn't want to stay here and Ella says that she will follow wherever Ranger goes, so we need to know if he wants to stay here. No one can answer that for him. Tank is sure that the only reason Rangeman headquarters is here is because Ranger didn't want to leave me. But I can't believe that.

I wonder if Tank will want to go, now that he has a girlfriend. He says he doesn't and won't give up any details, except that she is a lawyer. But they speak at least once a day, and he is always in a great mood after he talks to her. Hmm I think Tankie has found someone new. I won't make him talk until he is ready, but if he has I am happy for him. Lula doesn't deserve anymore of his heart. She obviously didn't value what she had. Her loss would be this mystery woman's gain.

I am waiting for Ella and Tank now, we eat dinner together almost every night, and it is nice to have a family. I hope Ranger will feel part of this when he gets back. I think we all need it.

A/N: Not too heavy for this chapter. I think the last two were heavy enough. Thanks for all of your reviews and suggestions. I have some ideas about what will happen when Ranger returns, but I am a little stuck on how healed he should be. So any suggestions on that would be great.