Better than myself Part 13

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Disclaimer: for language and subject matter

Ranger's POV

Seeing my Babe waiting for me was nothing short of amazing. I didn't want to get my hopes up about the changes she promised that she was going to make. It wasn't that I doubted her; I just knew how hard it would be for her to break free from her life. And I had no doubt that in choosing me she would be leaving some of her life behind.

When I finally walk into the apartment, I notice all of the subtle changes that prove to me that she is living there. Rex is sitting on the counter, her shoes are in the middle of the floor, and there are magazines on the coffee table. Things that I will have to get used to, because I like order, but I kind of love it. It actually looks like a home here. I ask her if she is really living here, she nods. I just start kissing her again, leading her to the couch. After a long time of kissing, she stops and says, as much as she wants to continue this, Ella and Tank will be here soon for dinner. I raise an eyebrow; she smiles and explains that they have been eating dinner together as a family, almost every night since I left. Dinner, I can do that. I missed seeing the people I love.

I go and shower all of the travel off of me, by the time I am done, they are sitting around the table, waiting. I hug Ella and whisper "Hi, mamá" in her ear. She hugs me back, "Welcome home, hijo." I sit and look around the table. Ella has been busy; she has made something different to suite everyone's taste. Steak and potatoes for Tank, something covered in cheese for Steph and herself and steamed fish and veggies for me. I have added some red meat and carbs to my diet since I have been away. I will have to let her know that at least twice a week I can enjoy the same things that Tank would like. I haven't been able to introduce much cheese or greasy foods, so no eating with Steph yet.

Dinner is great; I never really ate at a family dinner. Growing up I usually ate with Ella or in my bedroom. It was relaxing just to take time to talk with the people who are most important to me. I feel like I am part of the family that they have created while I was gone. It was also a way to get updated on the changes in Trenton while I was away. I know that there is so much I don't know. But I will catch up, I always do and I have been gone longer than this before. We are talking and laughing until bed time. Tank leaves first saying he has a call to make, with a smile. Hmmm. I will have to ask him about that. That smile could only mean a woman. Ella leaves after she starts the dishwasher with another hug. I promise that we will talk more later, and she nods explaining that we do have some important things to discuss.

I am worn out, so I hope I can sleep without the medication. I haven't gotten through an entire night without it yet, it is part of my outpatient plan, to slowly wean me away from needing them to sleep. But I am not ready to tell Stephanie. I hope with the traveling and talking, I will just fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. She comes out of the bedroom, with her face scrubbed clean and in my t-shirt. She looks delicious, I know we can't just jump into sex, we have a lot to talk about first, but I want her. She curls up next to me and we kiss for a long time. When I hear her breathing even out, I know she is asleep. I try to get comfortable, but sleep is not coming, my brain starts running a mile a minute.

How do I feel about my Mother being gone, I knew it would happen while I was away, but it hurts to know she died without ever loving me.

What if Stephanie only loved the idea of me, what if now that I am Batman unmasked, it isn't what she wants?

Or what if I was just the exciting forbidden fruit and now that I am not competing with Joe, she will find someone more acceptable to settle down with?

Does everyone expect me to be a different person now? Were there certain expectations they had on me while I was in treatment, what if I don't meet them?

Did I lock the door? The bedroom door is open, I can't sleep like that.

I get up to close the door and look back at Steph, she looks so peaceful and I feel what? Afraid, nervous, unworthy. I know I have to just let myself feel. But…

The next thing I know I am in the gym. I start punching the bag, I am at it for about 10 minutes and I stop. I start to calm down, I can do this and I need to go back up. I was warned that it would be so easy to slip back into my old habits. At least it was only 10 minutes and not 3 hours. I can work out, but that isn't what this was about. This was me running. I know that if I can't sleep, I need to stay in bed or take the medicine, not run away.

I make my way back to seven and try to go in quietly. I don't want to wake Stephanie, she would just worry. And there she is on the couch.

"Hey" as I sit next to her on the couch. She looks over at me; I can't read her expression, "Why did you leave? Where did you go?" Another hurdle I have to climb, I need to be honest with her. "I can't always sleep. I have meds from the hospital, but I didn't want to have to take them my first night back. I usually just go to the gym when I can't sleep."

"I didn't know you couldn't sleep, why? And you were only gone for 15 minutes, why didn't you stay?"

More honesty - all honesty feels like is a lot of talking.

"I feel so defenseless at night, I can't protect myself if I am asleep and sometimes I can't get my brain to shut off long enough to rest. As to why I didn't stay, because I have other things to help me get through the night. I need to try those, but old habits die hard. I won't promise it won't happen again, but I am working on it."

Alright, that wasn't that hard. She holds my hand and kisses my knuckles, "I am glad you told me, I thought you would, evade."

I tell her that I wanted to, but in order to let her into my life, I really need to let her in. I know that my evading will only sabotage what we are building.

She looks like she wants to say something, so I nudge her to get her talking. She starts to tell me about her food issues and how when things start to feel out of control, she binges and purges. She has been seeing someone and she has coping mechanisms also, but if we are going to live together, I need to know that it sometimes creeps up before she can get it under control. She doesn't purge as much anymore, but she still has binges.

She looks so small, so ashamed as she tells me. Like I would never understand. I can make her feel a little better though, I explain my food regimen that I only eat certain quantities of certain things because it is another thing I can control. If she hadn't noticed, I am a control freak. I can't tell her that I will relax all of my control, but I need to let some of it go, I can't continue to live such a disciplined existence. Sometimes the best things in life happen by chance and I smile at her.

Aren't we the pair?

"Let's go to bed, Babe. I am still off-line, we can sleep in." I go to take one of my pills and we go to bed.

A/N: Thanks for all of your reviews. This is just one hurdle they are overcoming, by slowly learning each other's habits. I hope this journey into Ranger's mind was satisfying.

Again as always, I love reviews….. Thanks everyone for reading.