Better than myself Part 15

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warning: Graphic language, disturbing scenes

Ella's POV

Wonderful, that is the only way to describe Carlos' return. I can tell he is still struggling, but he is trying. This is really all anyone can ask for.

That is why I have been hesitant to speak with him about JJ. I know he loves him and will take what has happened as a failure. I don't think Carlos could have done anything but what he had done. I know what it is like to not be able to see past your own pain.

Jason has been calling and I know that JJ needs to talk to the one person that will understand his hurt. The timing of this conversation was critical to me, Stephanie is napping on seven, Tank is working in his office on five and Carlos has a therapy appointment this afternoon. I wanted to make sure every bit of support that he has is available.

I call Carlos and ask him to come up to my apartment. I never ask him to come up here, so I know he is going to know something is up.

He walks in and gives me a hug, which is one of the most welcome changes, at least on my part. He isn't shying away from my touch and even initiating some of them. I can sometimes see the struggle, but he is working through it.

I invite him in and give him the green tea I had waiting. I stall a little by telling him about the funeral He looks surprised that I went. I remind him that she was my best friend for years before she betrayed me. That is who I wanted to say good-bye to, my best friend. He explains that he is not sure how he should feel. He feels sad, but she had never really been a part of his life. I tell him to there are no rules on feelings, it is okay if he wants to mourn the mother he wishes he had. He looks thoughtful, and then nods.

Time for me to jump in and just get this over with, "I have been keeping in close contact with Jason and Camille, there has been some disturbing news about JJ and they are hoping you can help."

I know Carlos doesn't like his news gentle, "They think or suspect that Thomas has been molesting JJ."

He shuts down, not the open face he has had since he returned, the expression on his face reminds me of how he always looked before he enlisted. Angry and dangerous. "How long?" he says it so low I barely can hear him. "They don't know, JJ will not say much, he is only answering yes or no questions."

He takes out his phone; I know he is going to call Tank. I need him to slow down for a second. I take his phone and he just looks at me.

"I know you want to go and take care of Thomas. I will not stop you from that, but you can't shut down yet. I know you will have to in order to give Thomas what I know he deserves. But there is also a little boy who needs you, Carlos. Not Ranger. He needs the man who has been where he is and lived to tell about it. The man who knows JJ needs help now, so he doesn't spend the next fifteen years punishing himself for crimes that were committed against him. You have to let yourself feel that in order to help."

He leans back on the couch and stares at the ceiling. "How can I tell JJ that it will be okay, when I am still hoping it can be? Ella, l am feeling a little better, more in touch with myself and with others, but the hell I had to walk through to get here. I am trying everyday not to run from the feelings. There are still days where I think the pain will swallow me whole, there are still days I want it to."

He takes a deep breath, "You know that I am going to take care of Thomas, my way, right? I am not going to hide that from you."

I nod, because at this point, if I thought I could take care of him, I would do it myself. He is a monster that doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as children.

Carlos keeps talking, I don't know if he is just thinking out loud or he really wants me to hear this. He is telling me about the years he spent confused about his sexuality, how he thought because what Thomas did and how it made him feel, that meant he was gay. How it took him years to realize that there was a difference between the things his body could enjoy, and the things he really wanted. He never wanted JJ or anyone else to go through that pain. And says he will do anything to make sure JJ knows he didn't do anything wrong. It was nothing that JJ did and it doesn't matter if he didn't fight, or if he sought it out sometimes, or if it felt good. It was never his fault.

I am not sure if he is talking about JJ anymore or about himself. But it is good to hear that he is starting to realize that it was not his fault.

He asks me to call Tank and Steph; they need to go to Boston, tonight.

That is another change that I see, he would have either went alone, or took Tank, but just given orders and not had a discussion about it. He has realized that he needs these people around him, these people, including me, that would go to the end of the earth for him.

Tank comes right up, but Steph doesn't answer. Carlos smiles; if she is asleep nothing is going to wake her. I decide to just go get her.

On the elevator ride, I say a prayer, a prayer that the judgment for Thomas is merciless and swift and my kids come back unharmed, physically or emotionally. I am not going to make this trip with them; I will make sure they have everything they need before they go and when they return.

I wake Steph quickly and we head back to my apartment. Tank and Carlos look up. I can tell they have been planning. Carlos goes right to Steph and grabs her hand.

"Babe, Tank and I have to go to Boston and deal with Thomas. He has been doing things to JJ, we need to find out what exactly, but it needs to be dealt with. I wanted to give you the option of coming with us."

She looks at Carlos like he has grown an extra head; of course she is going where he is. He hugs her so tight and makes room for her at the table.

They are making plans to leave, when Carlos' phone beeps. Oh, it is his reminder to go the therapy. He says he would be back in about an hour and leaves.

Tank asks, "How is he holding up, honestly?"

I respond, that I think he will be fine; I now he wants to help JJ and he didn't completely shut me out. He asked for you guys and didn't blow off therapy. I think he can do this. I can tell he is hurting, but that is good, because he is good on hiding the hurt, so he is letting us see and letting himself feel it.

But we will all need to keep an eye on him when you return.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter… more to come. Thanks for all of the encouragement with this story. It keeps it going.