Better than myself Part 19
(Sequel to As a Man)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.
Warning: Graphic language, disturbing scenes
Stephanie's POV
Once we returned from Boston, my life started to move quickly. I didn't even have time to really process what happened there. I know Ranger, Tank and I need to talk about it. Ranger looks like he needs to talk, but he says it isn't urgent so other things have taken precedence. I know Ranger is avoiding something, but he isn't pulling away, so I am taking him at his word.
I have been having meetings with investors and business professionals about Arielle's Haven. We have the money, we have the building plans (I didn't know that Hal had an architecture background, his blueprints for the facility were amazing), and we just need to figure out a location. A location that is the sticking point. No one wants to say that we are done with Trenton. I know we are, but no one wants to say it. Dancing around the issue isn't going to get us out of New Jersey, but no one is ready to say it. As soon as we figure out what we are doing, we will be able to start construction and start hiring staff.
I am starting to feel like a real business woman. I am doing conference calls, wearing suits and doing lunch meetings. Finally I feel happy, content, relaxed. I knew that I shouldn't get to complacent, something always happens. I have started venturing out of Rangeman, the reporters have moved on once Joe plead guilty, no trial, not newsworthy. The gossip mongers have found other things to gossip about.
Ranger and I went to Pino's; I was dying for a meatball sub. Ella's cooking was marvelous and healthy, I don't know how she does it, even my favorite foods, she finds a way to make healthier. I have lost a few pounds and I have to admit I am looking good. But I just was really missing my favorite food, Ranger just smiled and said, "Babe."
I order my sub and Ranger's salad. He has come a long way in his eating habits, but I know he isn't ready for the full fat cheese, butter and red meat that is the deliciousness of Pino's. I go to talk to Carl and Eddie, they we are making small talk and I am feeling good. I wave at them when our name is called and Ranger and I hold hands on the way to the Turbo.
We walk straight into the path of my mother.
"Stephanie Michelle Plum, look at you, have you no shame? It is bad enough that everyone knows that you are living with and sleeping with all of those men. But here you are flaunting your relationship with this…thug, this murderer for the entire world to see. I see why you are drawn to him, you murderers should stick together."
I look at Ranger and he has a complete blank face on. So I don't know if he is reacting at all to my mom's words, but I don't think it would touch him.
"You ruined Joseph's life, let the Morelli's good name be dragged thru the mud and didn't even defend him when I asked you to. You killed any chance for any him to have a family when you killed your baby.
Joseph was right, you are crazy. A sane person would know that they just can't run around doing whatever they want. There are expectations that have to be met. You are nothing but an embarrassment. I should have stopped with Valerie, at least I wouldn't be afraid to show my face. You are a whore, Stephanie Plum; this man will never marry you. You are just a good time until he finds a better time. I would have rather seen you dead than a whore. Your Grandmother should have left you on that bathroom floor."
"If you wish I was dead Mother, you have your wish. I no longer have a mother. I am dead to you, if someone mentions me you can say that you don't know me. You never really did. Have a good life Mrs. Plum."
My thoughts are running a mile a minute. She wishes I would have died? My mother, I know we don't agree on how I live my life. I know we will never get a long, but she wishes I was never born? Fine, she was never there for me before and I don't need her now.
Ranger whispers in my in ear, "Proud of you, babe." And turns to my mother,
"Mrs. Plum, if anyone should be embarrassed it is Stephanie. Mother's are supposed to love their children and try to guide them and raise them up. You are the complete opposite of that. If you can't love Stephanie for the amazing woman she is, I feel sorry for you. "
He tugs on my arm and we walk away. I am numb; I didn't think anything she said could hurt me anymore. But to say that she wishes that Grandma Mazur left me on the floor, it means that she wishes I would have succeeded in killing myself. She doesn't love me and wishes I was dead. That is the only thing that is replaying in my head.
We arrive back at Haywood before I can get that thought out of my head. It feels like the good feeling I had earlier was just an illusion. I know that I don't deserve to be happy, I always knew it. Ranger practically carries me upstairs. I still don't say anything. I don't know what to say. I don't even want to cry, I just feel nothing.
Ranger sits me on the couch and wraps his arms around me; he always knows what to do for me. We sit there for a long time, not speaking; he is just stroking my hair. His cell rings, he ignores it, and then the house phone rings, he still doesn't move. He sighs, if they are calling both places it must be an emergency.
"Yo"
"Can't you handle it? What? Fine."
He slams down the phone, "I hate to leave you but we got a lead on a federal skip and I have to be there for the take down. We have been looking for him for a long time and the bond is almost up. Do you want me to call Ella to hang out until I get back?"
I shake my head, I don't want company, I just want to take a bath and maybe eat the Pino's' we brought. I promise him that I will be okay for few hours, and he leaves.
I get up and heat up my sub, I devour that and I don't stop there, Ranger's salad, the leftover casserole from the other night, chocolate cake, tasty kakes. I am just eating and eating. I don't feel anything but the food. When I cannot hold in another bite, I go into the bathroom to throw it all up. I look at myself in the mirror.
What am I doing? I am not in this place anymore; I understand what Ranger was saying about how easy it is to fall into old habits without thinking about it. Shit! Now my stomach is killing me. I can't keep all of this food in, but I don't really want to make myself throw up either.
I didn't really have much of a choice about throwing up; my stomach revolted to all of the food I crammed in. That is where Ranger found me, hunched over the toilet, puking my guts out. He doesn't ask any questions right away, he gives me a wash cloth, my tooth brush and then directs me over to the bed.
"Do you want to talk now?"
I sigh and tell him all about Joe and the baby I lost when I was 16 and the downward spiral that I ended up in after the miscarriage. How my mother blamed me for the miscarriage and used every opportunity to call me a murderer and a whore, that my suicide attempts and my bulimia were just a cry for attention. My father saved my life by having me committed, I didn't want to live. But I am not in that place anymore; I just slipped into old stressful behavior without thinking about it or trying to figure out something else to do. I know I should have had Ella come up here and talked about it. But I just wanted to be miserable for awhile and I let myself get out of control.
He holds me close when I am done speaking. "Steph, I love you, I will do anything to help you. I completely understand how it feels not to want to live. I will never judge you. I said it before we are quite a pair. The only thing I want is for you to be happy."
I look at him; I know he is being completely honest. I tell him that I want to open Arielle's Haven in Atlanta. He smiles at me. "Babe that is the best idea you have ever had."
A/N: So the winner in the moving race is Atlanta.
I hope everyone who is a mother had a lovely mother's day.
Please review, and leave any suggestions. Thanks everyone for reading this story.
