Better than myself Part 22
(Sequel to As a Man)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.
Warning: disturbing subject matter
Tank's POV
Once it was decided where we were going to live, everything started moving very quickly. Rangeman Atlanta's offices were considerably smaller than Trenton, not really ready for a staff of our size. Les and Ella were down there now securing the deal on our new office and apartment complex. With everyone who is moving with us, we could probably buy our own suburb, Ella, Bobby, Les, Hector, Steph, Ranger, Grandma Mazur, (who claimed she couldn't be left alone with her daughter and a gun, there was no telling what would happen) and myself were all planning on living on the Rho Alpha Omega Rangeman, as Les has named it, as if we were going to be a big frat house. Jason, JJ and Cami were looking for a house and I know Ranger wanted to build a house for himself and Steph, so they were not always working.
Construction has also started on Arielle's Haven, based on Hal's design, not very far from the Rangeman campus. I don't know how Ella found places so close together. That woman can work magic that we can only dream of. Ranger has been efficient as ever, getting the crew ready for the staff change. Coordinating everything from the moving trucks to ordering new furniture for everyone. But what is missing is the man; he is so removed from this new exciting chapter of our lives. I want to know why; you would think that having everyone who loves him, dropping everything to move basically across country because that is where he is going to be would make him feel on top of the world. Instead he is again living on the outside looking in.
Steph has mentioned his odd behavior to me several times, long times staring out of windows and hours just sitting in the gym. We promised him that we were not going to let him hide in plain sight anymore. After dinner, I am just going to call him out on it.
I have wanted to say this to him for years, I a little worried about his reaction, but he needs to hear this.
"Ranger, if you continue to live like this, this closed off, detached, not letting anyone help you, when you know you need help. You might have well stayed in that house, in that basement with Thomas. If you are not living your life, he has won. Because you still are living as if you never left that place. I bet it hurts, because it takes you back to a time when you were alone and powerless, but you know that is not true, not anymore."
Steph looks over at me, a little angry and maybe not expecting me to be so blunt. But this is bullshit, he just needs to ask us for help, or talk to us. I know he wants to talk about killing Thomas, but he isn't sure how to start. Well he is just going to have to talk.
"Carlos, what have you told JJ so many times? Monsters only live in the dark, once you talk about what is bothering you, it is never as bad as it seemed when you kept it to yourself."
I know she is speaking from experience. And it is good to know I am not alone in fighting for him. That is what family does.
Ranger gets up and starts pacing. Pacing, is one of Ranger's tells. Something he only does when he has something to get off of his chest. When he is done pacing and ready to talk, he sits on the floor as far away from us without leaving the living area.
Man of mystery, my ass. People are just usually too scared of him to notice. But I can read him like a book.
He starts speaking; he is worried, worried that once everything has settled, and everyone has time to really wrap their head around what has happened, we will wish we would have stayed in Trenton or anywhere he isn't. That when the dust settles and everyone has time to reflect, that we would think differently of him, because of what Thomas said about the things he did in his past, of how much pleasure he would have taken in torturing the bastard. It takes me a minute to remember what he is talking about. It is funny, that comment didn't really register until he mentions it again. To me it was a throw away statement that didn't mean anything, but it has been something that has obviously been eating him up inside.
"Ranger, man, I never thought about that again. Hell, I wouldn't care if you slept with the entire Raider's football team, as long as it was what you wanted to do, what made you happy. Straight, gay, bi, whatever, just be safe and content."
Ranger starts speaking again, he wishes that he could find contentment; it is like something that he can almost see, and feels so close, but like he can never reach it.
"There are some days I still feel like I am in that place, the pain, while I feel so much better; it is like something that will always be a cloud over my head. I am working on that, I am, I just don't know how to be when I am working things out in my head. I don't know how to make you guys know that I am not running from my feelings, it is just a lot sometimes to let myself feel them.
I feel like I failed JJ, he thinks I am a hero, but I am just an imposter. If I would have manned up years ago and took care of Thomas like I should have, there would have never been an opportunity for JJ to be hurt."
He looks up at the ceiling, not wanting to make eye contact.
"I know you guys love me, intellectually I KNOW it, but how can you? Knowing what I have done, hearing Thomas say that there are some days I would beg for it, so he wouldn't beat me. You both saw exactly what I am capable of. Tank, if you were not there I would have tortured him for hours, until he begged for death.
Steph, how can you want me, knowing that for years I fucked anyone who would let me? Just because I knew I could. Because then, I didn't have to feel. How are you ever going to want to marry me, without wondering, if you are enough for the man you married, or if I really want something else?"
That is the most he has ever said about what is going on in his head. I cannot believe he thinks all that, all the time. No wonder there are times he doesn't want to think, if I had that tape playing in my head 24/7 I think I would need a drink.
Steph starts talking to him then, reassuring him, that it will never matter to her, who the first person he slept with was or even the person he was sleeping with before her all that matters is that if they are going to be together, she is the last person that he sleeps with.
I tell him, that Thomas was something that needed to happen. No one would ever blame him for not doing it sooner, but when JJ needed protecting, it was done without hesitation. That is all that counts.
Finally Ranger looks at us and I see a look of relief and some tears in his eyes. I didn't know he could do that, I have never seen him do that and we have been in some pretty serious situations. We have lost some people so close to us that I thought I couldn't breathe and through all of it Ranger never shed a tear. Sometimes things are just so fucked up that all you can do is cry or scream. I know Ranger has done enough screaming to last a lifetime.
Steph gets up and sits on one side of him, so I take my position on the other side.
"Brother, neither of us expect you to be perfect, or to get over your past in any short period of time. All we want is for you to try to talk to us. If there are no words, just tell us that you are working it out in your head and when you can, and if you need to, you will talk."
"Carlos, I know better than anyone that old habits are so hard to break, but we promised each other not to let us fall back into those habits. The same thing you are doing for me, I am doing for you."
Ranger agrees.
Have I mentioned that I adore Stephanie Plum? We sit there for awhile, telling Stephanie old army stories of some of the dumb things we did together, funny things that Les was always up to. She tells us some more about her life before we came into it. Things end a lot more relaxed than they started.
I watch their entwined hands and how his body is drawn to hers, like he is a compass and she is true north. It is time for me to leave, because the sexual tension between them is making me horny.
Ughhh and I am not getting any, but I have a woman to call, so I will be okay too.
A/N: I hope I dealt with what has been going on in Ranger's head since Thomas' death in a fitting way. We are getting closer to leaving Trenton. There are just some people that need to be dealt with first.
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