5 – Alone Without You

Harry had a hard time leaving his mom, but he knew that he must. This was Snape's story, and he seemed to have willed his way back to life knowing that someone, maybe even Harry in particular, would find and delve into his last thoughts.

Harry had to run quickly, but he finally caught up to Snape as he entered Slytherin. At first, Snape seemed to wonder aimlessly through the dark halls, always looking over his shoulder, but once he was certain that no one was following, he opened a door that could only lead to his room. Harry couldn't believe this—he was going to see Severus Snape's room.

The first thing he noticed was that the room had only one bed—Snape didn't have a roommate. Harry imagined where Ron's bed would be in this space, and how Ron had been by his side all of the years at Hogwarts, sharing the peaks and valleys of the experience, and developing a kind of sixth sense in their friendship. By the seventh year, they knew each other so well that it often didn't take words to know what the other was thinking. Ron was the kind of friend that only came once in life, and Snape didn't have that. Not in a roommate at least.

As Harry let his eyes wonder through the rest of the surroundings, it became a window into Snape's mind. He'd hung a huge Slytherin banner on the wall behind his bed, proudly showing off the silver snake on the sage green shield, the Slytherin letters painted in yellow below. On the left side of the banner, he'd attached a picture of himself, a skinnier and younger Snape, smiling happily after the Sorting Hat had assigned his hall.

On the wall opposite the bed, there was a rickety, oaken book case that looked like it would collapse from the mountainous library it held. The Dark Magic of Grindelwald, Vampires of Romania, Obscure Potions from the Forbidden Forest, Rumors of Lost Spells, Why Quidditch Players Aren't Heroes, Top Ten Wands of the Sixteenth Century,… were just a few of the titles Harry saw. Next to the bookshelf were stacks and stacks of jars that contained roots, unidentifiable foods, an Arabian toad, a singing worm, and many bugs Harry had never seen before, all ingredients used by a potions master in the making.

Snape ripped off his torn robe, muttering a few wizard swears about Sirius. He changed into a robe that was an exact replica of the former and sat at his mahogany desk. Harry couldn't believe his eyes.

Snape was an artist.

On a perfectly crisp sheet of white parchment, there was a stunning portrait of Lily drawn in coal. Snape had captured her details perfectly—the softness of the eyes, the single dimple on the left cheek, the way the hair flowed and the tiny fairy sitting on the red ends that flipped upward, the tiny scar under the chin, and the aura of kindness. In the corner, he'd signed his name and date—

Severus S HBP July 31st

Snape dipped a silver quill in blue ink and wrote furiously in a journal. Harry peeked over his shoulder and saw scribbles of thoughts and notes.

Doppelganger Root – Willow Gorge. Need for fairies for Lily's gift and Christmas Challenge.

Read more on Carpe Retractum. Embarrassed!

Snape flipped the page and began writing his entry for the day.

Last night, I stared at the moon for hours wondering if it would light a path for me. Or maybe it was just a counterfeit leading nowhere. All I know is that when I'm with her, I think of nothing else, for I am perfectly happy. And when I'm not, all I think about is being with her again. I know this might be the only time I feel this way, so I need to win her love. I need to do everything I can to guarantee

There was a knock at the door. "Sev?"

Both Harry and Snape knew whose voice that was.


Snape quickly tucked the portrait of Lily inside the journal and snapped it shut. "Hello?"

"Sev, it's me. Can I come in?"

Snape looked panicked. He pointed his wand to the opposite side of the room, and seven candles flickered to life. They gave off an aroma that reminded Harry of being in Honeydukes Sweetshop. "Just a second," said Snape.

He rushed over to the bookcase and pulled out a vinyl record. Harry had seen Uncle Vernon play records a few times but never imagined Snape using a muggle object. Snape pulled a record player from under his bed, and in seconds some guy was singing about watching a sunrise on a tropic isle, visiting the pyramids, blah, blah, blah, but don't forget that you belong to me. Harry thought it was probably the sappiest love song he'd ever heard. Then again, there was actually a richness to the man's voice and a genuine longing in it.

"Hi, Lily." Snape finally answered the door.

Lily didn't seem surprised by the sweet-smelling candles or the music. "What record are you playing?"

"Oh, it's nothing." He shrugged and walked over to his bed and held the album cover. "Dean Martin's Greatest Hits. I mean, he's pretty good for a muggle."

"It's beautiful. You've never played this one for me. What song is this?"

"You Belong to Me."

"What?"

"That's the name of the song."

"Oh." Lily's eyes moved around the room and settled on the torn robe thrown into the corner. "Well, the song's beautiful. But I didn't come to listen to records today."

Snape looked disappointed, and he tried to hide it by moving to the bookcase and pretending to look for something. "That's no problem. I was just reading up on… the worst Quidditch players of the past twenty years. Do you think Sirius and James will make the list one day?"

Lily smiled a little. "I wanted to see if you were okay. What they did in class today was terrible. I don't know why they think—"

"Because they're arrogant, and they think they're ready to take on Dumbledore."

"Sev, come on."

"One day, I promise you this. Their magic won't be good enough to catch me by surprise. And my first victory will be the Christmas Challenge. I'm going to win and learn Riddle's new secrets."

Lily took Snape's hand and sat with him on the bed. "That's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about."

"Riddle?"

"No, not Riddle. The Christmas Challenge. I don't want you going into the Forbidden Forest."

"How…" Snape's face went blank. "How did you know?"

"I heard you talking to Slughorn after class."

"Before you say anything else, let me explain." Snape opened a book called The Fourth Curse and turned to a picture of Willow Gorge. "I know Slughorn thinks there are evil, blue unicorns there, but that's a load of witch's brew. Willow Gorge isn't that far from Hogwarts, and If I can get a little doppelganger root from there, I guarantee my gift–er–Christmas ornament will be insurmountable."

Lily wasn't convinced. "You can't go alone. There are too many unknowns in the Forbidden Forest." She waited for Snape to respond and could tell immediately that he wasn't going to heed her advice.

"Just bring someone with you, someone good. And be careful." She squeezed his hand and looked into his eyes. "That's all I'll say. I don't want to be the overbearing friend."

"Friend." Snape sneered when he said it, and he said it too softly for Lily to hear.

She got up from the bed and looked at the picture of Willow Gorge. "What is this book anyway? What's the fourth curse supposed to be? Like a fourth unforgivable curse?"

"I don't know. Haven't read it."

Harry looked at Snape and asked, "Why are you lying? You know that's exactly what's in the book. And the one you brought to class too."

She opened the door. "Have a good evening, Sev. I'll see you in class."

"Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you come with me to the Forbidden Forest tomorrow. I promise I'll keep you safe."

She looked to the floor. "I don't think so. I already told some people I'd go to the Quidditch match with them."

"Who did you tellJames? Sirius? Others in the Slug Club?"

"That's not fair. You know I stand up to them about you. But so what if they did ask me?"

"Because they're arrogant. They think they're Merlin's gift to magic." Snape paused. He noticed that Lily continued staring at the floor. "Is that all they—no, wait. Is that all he asked you? Or was there something else?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Did James ask you to the Yule Ball?"

"Yes, he did."

"And… what did you say?"

Lily looked at him head on. "I didn't say anything. But no one else has asked me yet."

Snape shook his head. "I can't believe he asked you. He and Sirius are after me every chance they get. He's the most arrogant— "

"Sev, how was it arrogant for James to ask me? No one else has asked me yet," she said again.

Snape continued to shake his head. "Well, you didn't come to listen to records today, so I'll just see you in class."

Lily started to speak, then stopped. She waited for him to say something, her eyes practically begging him to ask her to the Yule Ball, but he was off in a different place, and when he didn't say anything, she said goodbye and quietly closed the door.

Snape stood and immediately paced the room, running his hands through his slick, black hair, telling himself what an idiot he was. "I have to be sure." He said this over and over before sitting down at the mahogany desk.

Harry asked him, "Have to be sure of what?"

He got the answer when Snape finished the entry in his journal—

I can't live my life, every moment for her, when I'm not sure she'll return any of these feelings. When James Potter makes me look like a fool and vies for her love as well. I have to be sure I'm not alone without you, Lily. I have to be sure.

Snape tucked the journal away and then hovered over a yellow piece of parchment writing something entirely else. Harry couldn't see what it said, and before Snape gave him any chance, he rushed out the door.

Harry had a difficult time keeping up with Snape. He'd never seen him move this fast and with such purpose, except for the day he fled Hogwarts after taking Dumbledore's life.

It became apparent that he was headed to the Owlery. Snape charged into the circular stone room, kicking straw out of his way, and whirling around to examine what owls were available. He made his selection and reread the letter one more time before sending it off. This time, Harry could see it all.

TR,

The announcement of your forthcoming visit to Hogwarts came as a surprise today and doesn't leave me much time to get the doppelganger root. I plan to use some for the Christmas Challenge as well as for a personal matter. If you still want it, please send a return owl and let me know, so I retrieve enough. I have read that it is extremely heavy.

I hope our agreement stands−doppelganger for showing me the Dark Tourist. And even if I don't win the Christmas Challenge, I'd like to respectfully ask that you show only me the Dark Tourist, again for personal reasons. I'm sure you could show the "winner" some of the other tricks you learned in Albania, as I hear that your magical repertoire has reached a new standard of excellence.

With great respect,

SS

Please burn after reading.

Harry watched Snape affix the letter to the owl's leg and send it on its journey. As the owl became a small dot in the twilight, Snape said, "I'm so sorry, but I have to be sure."


Author's Notes:

You can listen to the song in this chapter by searching on "Dean Martin You Belong to Me" on YouTube.