Letter Number 13
August 12th 1998, London Apartment
Hermione,
There's no easy way to tell you this so I'm just going to come right out and say it: I can't go to Australia with you. I want to and yet I don't. Do you know what I'm getting at? No, you probably don't. The way I see it you already have your entire future planned. You have every aspect laid out neatly in front of you. You know exactly how you want your life to turn out and you're fighting to get there. And don't get me wrong I respect you tremendously for that. But I like not knowing where I'm going. I like feeling a little insecure of my future and my prospects. It makes me feel alive.
You've planned your life down to every detail; you know how you want it to fan out and what you have to do in order to get it like you want it. As I see it, you want me to be a very important part of your life. And I won't object to that, I want to be in your life. But please don't expect me to fulfil all of your wishes and deepest desires just because you tell me what they are. I won't have my life decided for me when I've finally just gotten it for myself. I'm finally free of my father's influence I don't need you to take over where he left off.
Don't get me wrong please, Hermione. I want to be your friend but for now I'm happy with being nothing more than that. I want my life to be fully mine and nobody else's. Not even yours. I want to be independent for as long as I can and a relationship of the magnitude you propose is just too much for me to handle for the moment. Hermione, I'm sorry. I can only be your friend, and I can't go to Australia with you because it would mean more to you than to me. It would mean something different for you than for me. The last thing I want to do is lead you on.
I want to tell you straight of the back that what you want of me I can't give you. I can't be a father, I've told you that before but you didn't listen. Now I'll tell you again: I'm not cut out for children. I don't like them and I don't want them. For you I'll make an effort with this Teddy boy, since he is also my cousin I could perhaps do that. I can't be a loving and devoting husband because I'm not those things. I'm not loving (thank Merlin for that) and I'm not devoted to anything else than myself (I have – to some extend – made an exception with you but I've stretched as far as I can for now). Please don't ask anything more of me.
Hermione, my life is mine to live and yours to be a participant in until I tell you otherwise, please remember that. You can't just tell me that you want to marry me and have children with me when we're only friends. I know you have feelings for me (I think about that every time you smile at me, so I know), and I don't mind at all. I'm too selfish to mind, but not so selfish that I want to hurt you. Nevertheless I believe you'll be able to put your feelings aside and still be my friend.
And yeah, I know I was the one to bring up the whole baby thing – but that was just because I saw how much you wanted one. I distinctly said I didn't want any of my own but that I could imagine yours. I can't believe that you could just turn it around and make your children mine, it's not fair Hermione. You can't do that. You can't just spring this on me without any warning at all. I don't want children, please grasp that. I don't care what you say, I don't want children and I'm not having any. I'm not fit to raise them, you know, the whole selfish thing. You know, I know my psychology, I know that a baby is essentially a selfish creature. You can't have two selfish people in one home. But that's beside the point, really! I don't like children and never will, so don't bring it up again.
I'm sorry, that was rude but hey, that's me. I can't change that Hermione, and neither can you. No matter how noble you think I am. Don't try and change me, I won't have it. I'll be who I want to be.
I do appreciate the little… pep talk I guess you could call it in the end of your letter. As I said I know you think I'm better than I really am. So of course you'll think I deserve you. By all means just keep on believing that. But I don't like that you said that perhaps you didn't deserve me. Hermione, with my track record everybody could be deserving of me. You are way above me, but I've decided that it no longer matters. As said I'm selfish and I want to be your friend weather I deserve you or not.
You might be the most stubborn person I know, besides from myself that is. If you want to wait for me to fall in love with you I won't stop you. I don't encourage you but I can't honestly say there is no chance of me to ever return those feelings. I can't say that for certain. Nothing is for certain anymore. Just please understand that I want to be my own person. I don't want to be tied down beyond hope and freedom. A friendship I can handle. Hell, I even need a friendship. But a romantic relationship might just be too much for me.
Sorry, Hermione, but Australia is just not a good idea. And I'm saying that for your own sake. Just go without me and I'll see you first thing when you get back.
Hermione, please don't hate me now. I'm only saying the truth here so you can't ever accuse me of leading you on. I truly care for you and want the best things for you, but I'm not sure if that is me and what I have to offer. However wrong I think I am for you, I can't deny myself your company and your friendship but I can't give more of me than I already have. This is for both our sakes.
Merlin, I'm talking in circles aren't I? Back and forth all the time, never deciding on one thing to tell you. It must be really frustrating for you. Darn, you must be irritated beyond belief right now. Merlin, I don't know what to say to change the tone of this letter for the better… I don't want to erase what I've already written it is the truth, the unshielded truth. Perhaps there is nothing I can really say to make this better. Perhaps there is one thing.
You're my best friend, and for that I think I love you.
Yeah, that ought to do it. Hopefully you'll still feel like talking to me after this.
Draco
Ps. I love you – I know that now. But I don't think it's the way you want me to love you. But it's a start after all. I just don't know what it should be the start of. What I want it to be the start of. What I can handle… Merlin, I just complicated this again, didn't I? I don't know!
Oh God, I have no idea if I like this chapter. Please tell me what you think.
