Better than myself Part 26
(Sequel to As a Man)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.
Warnings: language
Ranger's POV
I know that Trenton does not exist in a bubble, but I have gone for years without running into anyone from my past. Now that I am ready to try to put the past behind me, there it is standing in front of me in Macy's. That is what I get for agreeing to go shopping with Steph. It is what she said she needed. After all of the drama with her mother, all she said she wanted is some 'retail therapy' and since Mary Lou's kids were sick I agreed to go with. That is where I can tell how crazy about her I am.
We were winding up our day buying shoes and I heard my name, well not Ranger, but Rick, so I KNEW that it was someone I would rather not see. There he was Simon. I am trying to figure out how not to have to explain to Simon who Stephanie is and get out of there.
"Rick, is that you? I thought that was you! Look at how dangerous you look now! It has been years."
"Hey Si," I gave him a handshake, avoiding the hug I knew he expected. We make some mindless small talk, I feel Steph shifting from foot to foot beside me. I grab her hand and introduce her to as my girlfriend and hope Simon doesn't react to the girlfriend part. Good, he doesn't bat an eye; I know he always thought that I was some hopeless closet case. We talk a little more and he shows us pictures of his kid and he goes off shopping. I think that went well. Why should running into someone I knew be drama? It was probably just all in my head.
We finish up shopping, Stephanie is quieter than usual. But maybe she is just getting tired. I ask her if she is ready to go and she just nods. Great, I am not dumb; she is either pissed or hurt. I want to wait until at least we get into the Turbo to have this conversation.
We are heading home before I decide to bring it up; she hadn't said a word the entire ride.
"What's wrong? Wasn't the shopping trip successful?"
"I'm fine."
Okay, so we are just going to play the fine game. I am not good at guessing what is wrong with her, but we aren't going to avoid this. We get upstairs and she heads straight towards the fridge, she is standing in front of it and sighing. I just watch to see what she is going to do, I am not going to let her binge, but I don't want to intervene before I have to. There isn't much in there anyway and most of the dishes are packed.
With a sigh she closes the fridge and sits on the stool, "Carlos, how do you know Simon?"
How do I know Simon? That is a loaded question, "Last I saw Simon he was living in Newark, and I stayed with him sometimes when I was on leave stateside for the first few years I was enlisted. And we kept in touch for a few years after that."
I am not being purposely vague, I am just not sure how to classify Simon, and it was more like friends with benefits. But I know Stephanie doesn't really understand casual sex.
"What do you mean stayed with? Did you live with him?"
I answer as truthfully as I could, I explain that we didn't exactly live together, I did use his address as my home address for awhile and we had a relationship, but it wasn't serious. When I decided that is not what I wanted to do or the life I wanted to live, there were no tears or hearts broken. It was a casual thing and when it was over, we both just moved on.
"Carlos, I know you have a past, we all do, but to hear you dismiss a relationship so casually makes me wonder what our future holds. In five years am I going to run into you and you are going to make what we had seem meaningless?"
I don't even know how to address this, what went on with Simon and myself, is nothing compared to what I feel for Stephanie. Nothing.
"Am I just going to be a footnote in your life, does Simon know that he was just a stepping stone in your life, that whatever you shared meant nothing?"
I see her starting to get upset, I don't understand why she is so upset? Isn't that what Morelli was to her, what about Dickie? I don't want to fight; I don't even know what we would be fighting about.
"Steph, what Simon and I had, whatever it was, it was just fun. It was never anything serious; he dated other people while I was deployed or out of contact for a long period of time. I didn't hurt him when I stopped whatever it was."
"See you are describing a relationship as whatever, like it meant nothing. Is this just a stop on your journey, once you are comfortable in your own skin are you going to be ready to move on?"
Now we are into what the issue is. She thinks that eventually I will move on. How can she not know how much I love her? How much loving her helped save my life? Loving her made me see a future for myself; it made me want to find a way to exist with her in my life. I have shared more of myself with her than I have with anyone. And she still can question that what we have would be meaningless.
"Stephanie, you mean more to me than anyone. Our future inspires me to be a better man. I never thought I was capable or worthy of love, but I know that I am, and I only know that because you showed me."
I don't know how else to say it to make her understand what her love does for me. I want to spend the rest of my life loving her, showing her. This is not the time for my proposal, but I want her to be my wife.
I don't know what to do about her self-doubt. She doubts so much about her contribution to this relationship, because she doesn't come with much money and how can she satisfy me sexually with her limited experience, what would I want with her? I know some of this comes from that bullshit that Lula and Connie told her.
While Lula has tried to make amends by exposing Helen's stupid scheme, she is in no way forgiven. She was let into our lives, more importantly into Tank's heart and she betrayed him without a second thought. I know she is having a lot of trouble finding a job in Trenton, but I can't bring myself to help her. She is lucky I don't do more than ignore her. She isn't worth that type of vengeance.
I stalk over to Stephanie, lift her off the stool and press my body against hers. I have to make her see, I explain to her while I have been sexually attracted to people before, I have never been as drawn to anyone as I am to her. While I have had plenty of sex, but never in my life had I made love, until her. The money means nothing, I can always make more, but the way she feels to my heart, means more than anything.
She looks as if she is finally getting it, good, because I have always been better at show than tell. I lead her into the bedroom to start showing her.
A/N: I hope this was in character, but there is always going to be bumps in their relationship, as in any relationship.
Thanks for all the reviews and to christibabe for all of your suggestions on this chapter. I think I might have finally gotten over my writers block.
