Better than myself Part 27
(Sequel to As a Man)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.
Jason's POV
There is something that I know I need to do and I am being too selfish to do it. I need to let Camille go. She can't spend her entire life tied to something that isn't real. I can see every day that she is falling for Tank. I don't know if she is holding back because of me or because she is afraid. I don't want to be the one to hold her back, but our home, our family is something I love. I can't imagine only seeing JJ on evenings and weekends.
That is never the kind of Dad I wanted to be. Explaining to my kids why we are no longer together, not seeing JJ every day, cooking him breakfast, imagine not having that takes my breath away. Ranger says that I am being selfish and afraid. That no one is judging me and I no longer need to hide behind the illusion of a traditional marriage, but it not just about the illusion. I love what we have and I don't know what Cami would think if I approached the subject of divorce.
What about JJ? Would our separating set him back in his recovery? I am so proud of him; he is not shying away from our touch as long as he is aware that it is coming. He has fewer nightmares. I wish he would open up to us more, but he has no problem talking to Ranger. And as long as he is talking to someone, it doesn't matter who it is. Ella is saying that Ranger is opening up more also, so it is good all around.
Cami is excited about the move; the house that she chose in Atlanta is a beautiful house, something that she is looking forward to decorating. That is why I am not sure what she wants to do. She is exciting about us all living there and starting over. We don't talk about Tank very much, but from what she does mention, she is also looking forward to being closer to him. Getting to know someone is better when you are in close proximity. Eli is planning on moving to a condo in Athens, not too far, but he is all about his space. I think that is one of the reasons that he has never pushed the issue of living with me. He loves spending time with all of us, but he is an introvert naturally, so it does get draining for him and he loves going back to his place to just recharge.
JJ is an excited ball of energy about the move; he wanted to pack up his room as soon as he heard. He was very disappointed that we were not moving right next door to his 'Uncle R'. It seems that they have a lot of plans, regarding teaching JJ self defense. I know that is Ranger's way of bonding with JJ, but sometimes I feel left out of their relationship. I know that they are bonding over shared trauma, but they are still bonding. Ranger and I are getting better I think, he is still a little uncomfortable talking to me and we don't talk about the past, but we are both trying.
I want to ask him so many questions. I want to know the worst of what Thomas did to him. I need to hear it, that man was my father and I just want to know what was going on in the house where I lived and I didn't know and no one did anything about it. Cami keeps telling me that I don't need to know and I don't want to know. But I think I do. I can't ask JJ, I would never ask him to relive that. But Ranger can tell me. I know that is part of the awkwardness of all of our phone conversations. The unanswered questions.
JJ runs down the stairs with the phone, "Uncle R, wants to talk to you, he wants to make sure we are ready to go."
Ranger has coordinated all the movers to get us all down to Atlanta at the same time. They are going to load up the house and drive down and then the next day we are going to fly down. He is a great organizer, I also have learned that he is a little obsessive compulsive about times and punctuality. But it is probably from his time in the service.
"Hey Ranger, yes we are going to be ready. Yes, I have made overnight hotel reservations and yes, we have sold the cars back to the dealer. We will be picking up new cars when we get to Atlanta. I've told you this… Colonel Crazy."
He chuckles; I have been calling him Colonel Crazy, since I realized how OCD he was. Now that is over, I think I have to ask him, I don't want to let it go, I can't. I keep imaging that what kind of monster I came from, what if I have that kind of monster inside me.
"Ranger, I need to ask you a question, you might not want to answer. I will completely understand if you tell me to go to hell. But I need to know, how bad did it get with Thomas? I just need to know for JJ. I want to know if I am making things worse in my mind or if I can't even imagine the worst."
He is so quiet on the line, I am wondering if he is ever going to answer.
"Jason, you can't imagine the worst, but I can't pick out a specific incident that made it the worst. The entire situation for 14 years was the worst. There wasn't one thing that stood out more than anything. It was more the feelings of what happened than what actually happened. But if you need to hear it, if I can give you some peace about JJ, I will invite you to one of my therapy sessions. I think right now that is the only place I can have this conversation. "
"Okay, I think that is all I can ask of you, thank you for that. I know you don't want to, but I just keep imaging how much JJ is still hurting."
We hang up soon after that. I feel better, like I have a weight off of me. Cami walks into the room, frowning. "Jason, I thought you were going to leave that alone. Isn't enough that he is trying, why do you want to make him relive that?"
I don't know how to answer, except for the fact that I am hurting too.
"Cami, my father was a monster, he preyed on children! He prayed on my son and my brother! How many others, do we not know about! It hurts, it hurts that he is dead, it hurts that he lived. I don't have anything that I always had! I know that everything is changing for the better, but everything is changing so fast. I feel lost and Ranger is all I have left of my birth family and he has every right to hate me. I don't know…."
I sit on the couch and put my head in my hands. Cami comes and her hands on my head. "Jason, I know it hurts, I know. But you have to talk to me, if it will make you feel better talk to Ranger. Maybe you need to talk to someone too. I know you think you came out of that house unharmed, but you didn't."
I think she is right; I have been torturing myself for awhile with this. I do need something, because I am tied up in knots right now.
"Once we get moved, I will find someone to talk to, I know that JJ will need someone new and I can start my own search."
I want to talk about happier things; I can't stand all this melodrama. We are getting a new beginning. But we can't start over without dealing with the ghosts of the past.
A/N: Yeah! My writers block is officially over (at least for this chapter)
Please review when you can. I love writing this story and will be sad when it ends. I am amazed everyday how this story has grown with almost a mind of its own. Thank you everyone who has reviewed and has been following this from the beginning. Everything that is said is really considered and has only made my writing better.
