Better than myself Part 32

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

I miss them more than I thought was possible. Without Dad, Grandma and Steph here, I feel so alone in the world. I know what Mom tried to do was awful, but it feels like they took her away also. Albert is still making himself scarce and while I completely agree with why he is doing it. It still hurts to feel so isolated. I know I could call them anytime and at least Dad would be glad to hear from me, but that hurts too. To hear about how life is so much better in Atlanta that it ever was in Trenton. How productive Dad feels with his new job and Rangeman. How Grandma isn't being as inappropriate because she doesn't have anything to prove. And Stephanie, from what Dad says Steph is doing amazing, setting up her own club for kids, being the director of a non-profit. I can honestly say I didn't think she had it in her; she was always a screw up. But maybe being a screw up in a screwed up situation never helped.

It is like everyone moved on to have such a great life and I am left to pick up the pieces of the old one. There are some bright spots; I do enjoy working for Rangeman. The guys that are left here are nice; I can tell that at least Cal and Hal have one foot out of the door. They want to go to Atlanta too. I can admit that if these guys are used to everyday action, this isn't the place for them right now. The security they provide seems top notch, but it is a lot of sitting and looking. I know that they are working on establishing themselves as also a bonds company, but it is taking some time. I don't feel accepted there, but they are never unfriendly. I know where their loyalty lies, with Stephanie and I betrayed her.

Betrayed, I really did. Not just Stephanie, but Albert as well. We decided not to do an amniocentesis to figure out who the father of this baby is, but wait until the baby is born. So I have 5 long months to wait until I know if this is Morelli's baby. Sometimes I could kick myself for my stupidity. He never wanted anything from me other than information, but late at night I find myself thinking of our time together. I know it was all an illusion, but for one brief moment, I felt as special as Stephanie.

I was going to visit him in prison, but I keep chickening out. It can wait until after the baby is born. If it is not his, then he never needs to know. Besides, I spend enough time visiting jails and mental wards. I try to see mother at least once a week. She isn't any better. Still ranting about how Stephanie and her lifestyle made us a laughing stock.

"Mother, you need to calm down. Not everything that happened or happens is Stephanie's fault. Did she make you try to kill her?"

She doesn't have an answer for that, just looks at me and says, "At least I have one perfect daughter. If I would have married your real father, we would have had a perfect life."

Now we are one step closer to the reason for my visit. My real father, I think I deserve to know who he is. I have gotten a new car and my groceries have been paid for every time I go to the store. I know if he is still in Trenton, he has to be the one helping me out. But I can't figure out who it could be.

Mother is ranting about how our lives would have been perfect, because he has such good connections and is so powerful. Blah, Blah, Blah, I just want to know who the man is. I have been going through all of the possibilities in my head. I am just hoping it isn't a Morelli man, because the idea that Joe would have been my brother and all the Jerry Springerness that might entail. But it couldn't really be because Joe's father has been dead for years, and she is speaking of connections in the present.

"Val, I know you would have been happier with your real father. You are so perfect and deserved the perfect life. Instead of being reduced to working for Ranger and his goons, if you could have found a better husband…"

Me, perfect? I am not perfect; I have just been going through the outward motions of being perfect. I have a great husband; I am the one who might have destroyed that. True, we do not have money, but money isn't everything.

"Mother, I do have a great husband, I love Albert more than anything."

"Then why aren't you living together? I still hear things being in this God-forsaken place."

This is my opportunity to tell her, should I tell her the truth about me. She is the only person that still thinks of me as Saint Valerie. The only person who has no knowledge of my wrongdoings, do I want to kill that. I think I do. I need to be more than just perfect in her eyes. She is far from perfect and has no room to judge me on my misdeeds.

"Mom, Albert is sleeping at the office, because this baby might not be his."

"Not be his, I don't understand."

"I am sure you do, I slept with Joe Morelli and this might be his child."

She looks shocked and then happy. I understand the shocked, but happy. I don't get it.

"Joe Morelli would be a great father to your child. Once he gets his legal problems cleared up, you could be with him."

Is she crazy? I guess I am in a mental facility, which answers that question. I tell her that Joe did not have any defense for his actions. He plead guilty to avoid a trial. He is not getting out of jail for at the very least 10 years. Even if he wasn't, we wouldn't have a life together. I made a mistake and was used. He uses everyone he comes in contact with. Joe only cares about Joe. He never cared about me; I was a means to an end.

"Of course he cares about himself; he had the potential for greatness, until your sister came along and ruined his life."

"Mother, Joe ruined his own life, the illegal things he was doing, he admitted to doing. Stephanie couldn't have done that. He did it because he thought he would get away with it, the same way he did everything."

I can't talk to her anymore, she doesn't get it. I am afraid she never will.

"I am not going to come back until you are ready to be honest with me, I want to know who my father is and I won't come back until you are ready to tell me. I don't want anything from him, I won't try to ruin his life, and I just have the right to know who he is."

"Val, if you don't come back, I will be alone. Your father and Grandmother are gone; no one else will talk to me."

"Then you know what you have to do." I have never pushed anyone like this; I think the guys at Rangeman are rubbing off on me.

"Your father is Joe Juniak. I have always known, he has always known. But you can't do anything about it. Don't rock the boat Val, just don't."

Joe Juniak is my father, my children's grandfather. I don't have any words. I just stare at her. How could she have done that? His wife is the sweetest lady, always willing to look out for others.

I thought knowing would make me feel something, but I still have a mess in my life to fix. He can't help me, if he has always known about me and did nothing. He is not worth my time or tears. Frank Plum is the only father I need and maybe it is time to be truthful with him also. I cannot continue the lie I have been living, in a few months that might not be possible anyway.

A/N: I thought it was time to go back to Trenton for a bit. I hope this was enjoyable. Reviews are like presents to me, so thank you for reviewing this story so positively. I will be sad when it is over. But it is getting there.