The boys made their way up the gravely hill, which had always been oddly desolate of snow, despite the permanently dark clouds that seemed to loom over it. Cartman and Kenny had tugged along out of boredom. At the top stood a boxy home on concrete stilts, although it looked more like a building than a home. They reached two giant steel doors and rang the doorbell beside it.
After a few minutes, an old man in a colorful Hawaiian shirt and straw hat appeared, gripping a wooden cane in his hand with a mutant midget clone by his side.
"Ah, hello boys." he greeted in a raspy voice.
"Dr. Mephisto." Kyle greeted, trying to avoid eye contact with the mutant clone staring him down. Or up, in this case. "We need your help in solving a mystery."
"What is this? Scooby Doo?" he chuckled. The midget continued to stare at them creepily, his eerie blank face boring into their souls. Kyle tried to just ignore it. Kenny seemed rather amused by it.
"Well, no. But I noticed that on everyone's birth certificates, the birthdates are all wrong. We looked at them, and they're all off by 14 years. I thought it was a pretty strange coincidence."
"Ahh, I thought no one would ever notice. Seems you boys are some of the few people in this town that aren't actually retarded."
"Yeah, except for Cartman." Stan snickered.
"Ay!" Cartman threatened to punch him in the arm.
"Well, come inside, and I'll explain my theory. You see, I've been working on this mystery for quite awhile now, and I think I'm getting close to a possible answer."
They walked inside, following Mephisto down a white hallway full of tripled assed monkeys and other various animals with multiple limbs. Cartman stopped to poke a stick at the monkey, but it spat at him. "Hey! That little butt fucker spat on me!" he yelled.
"You guys! That monkey spat in my face!" he complained, trudging behind at a slow pace. "Yes, it's probably not a good idea to poke them with sticks." Mephisto replied.
He resorted to poking the midget clone with the same stick, chuckling while the small man's nerves began to rise. After a minute of continuous poking, the small man turned around and kicked him in the balls. "Ow!" he yelled.
Finally, they arrived in a small laboratory room at the end of the hallway, where Mephisto flicked on the lights to reveal two boxes heavily guarded by a glass wall, each containing a macaque monkey inside them. One of them looked younger than the other, possibly a baby.
On the right side of the wall, there was a blue light and a giant generator machine, hooked up to a computer screen that monitored it's progress. Inside the box was a spinning metal orb of some sort. The monkey didn't react to their presence at all. It appeared to be either really slow, or frozen in time.
"What is all this stuff?" Kyle asked.
"That" Mephisto pointed to the machine. "Is a tachyon reflectormatron. It changes the speed of particles and can alter time itself."
"Woah." the boys said in wonder.
"Notice how the monkey on the left has three asses." he commented. "They've both been inserted with multiple-ass growing DNA, but it takes until adulthood for this trait to develop. When I use the reflectormatron to speed up the particles a few hundred thousand miles per second, their asses grow at a normal rate, but if I don't reflect the particles, they seem to never grow more than one ass at all." he rubbed his chin in thought.
The boys seemed to be completely lost. "Well, this has only led me to conclude one thing." he announced, arms folded. "It means that this entire town is suspended in a warped time continuum, where time itself occurs at approximately 13285.714 seconds per second faster than we perceive, or experience it. Someone, or something, must have caused this sudden time warp."
"And it just started to happen..14 years ago?" Stan wondered. "Yes. But the problem is figuring out why or what caused it." Dr. Mephisto replied.
"I told you guys, it's the Mayans! They plan to take over the world in 2014 and kill us all. The end of the world is coming! It's the most obvious answer you guys, seriously." Cartman stared at the monkeys, with a determined look across his face.
"Would you shut up about the stupid Mayans already? First it was 2012, now it's 2014. There's no such thing as the end of the world!" Kyle yelled.
"Wait! So does this mean we really aren't nine years old?" Stan asked, a quivering fear of the unknown in his voice. This was all just too weird for him.
"I'm afraid so. The truth is, you are all twenty year olds trapped in children's bodies and will most likely never grow old. Not only has your DNA been warped by physics, you will also never get laid in the real world and will most likely have to be shot down by government officials if they ever find out about your hideously strange demise." Mephisto answered.
Their jaws all dropped.
