40 – Grinding Down Diamonds
Harry watched Snape rush down the hallway to stop Lily and James. It was unnerving because of the love he felt for his mother and father, yet after having taken this journey with Snape, he felt sorry for the teacher he once despised.
Snape was out of breath when he reached them. "I'm sorry to interrupt you both," he said. "I wanted to congratulate you on your ornament, Lily. It was really impressive."
"Thank you." It came out flat, emotionless, and utterly empty. Lily finally gave Snape the eye contact he'd looked for, but she was somewhere else. "Is that all? I don't mean to be rude, but I really have to go and get ready."
"Get ready for?" Snape had a quizzical look on his face, which quickly washed away. "Oh, right. The ball. I wanted to show you something else about your ornament. It will only take a second."
"Okay." Lily waited patiently.
Harry was watching his father's expression, and even James seemed to feel sorry for the boy he'd once called Snivellus with his mate, Sirius. His eyes had softened, and he was looking at Snape more like a wounded puppy instead of a worthy adversary, at least someone strong enough to take the usual ridicule and teasing he'd dished out.
"Well, it's—er—it's something I have back in my room in Slytherin."
"Severus, it will have to be another time then. I have a lot to do," said Lily, coolly.
"You both can come."
"I don't think—"
"It's okay," said James. "Why don't you go and I can meet you in the common room in awhile."
Lily didn't seem convinced. "It can wait."
"Really, it's okay," said James again.
"Fine, but let's make this quick, Severus." Lily started walking down the hall alone. James turned to Snape and sort of shrugged. Snape nodded in understanding. Both boys knew she could be a fiery one.
Before Lily went off in Slytherin's direction, she and James exchanged an awkward goodbye, where they both sort of pat each other on the shoulder. Snape thought this was a good sign that they hadn't exchanged a kiss, except why would they have done that in front of him? The restrained embrace was for his benefit. They were being polite not to throw anything in his face, and the more this sunk in, the more he felt lost.
He and Lily walked silently to his room. It was a funny thing how silence could be deafening when it came to matters of the heart. He finally summoned the courage to speak. "I was really impressed with what you did."
"Was that ornament even yours?" she asked, completely ignoring his compliment.
"What do you mean?" The question surprised him. Didn't she think he could create that winter scene? This was the one thing he did well—magic—and she was even questioning that.
"Ever since the day we traveled to Willow Gorge, there's been a mysterious person you've been working for. Did he, or she, help you with that?"
"Yes, he did. I think if you met him, maybe you would understand why I've acted the way I have the past few days. Why I can't go tonight."
Lily shook her head. "Apparently it's more important than the people you… love."
"No, it's just that it is important. It's not more important than—"
"I don't know that I can see it that way. These things can really be simple. There's something that's most important to all of us, and for you, it's... whatever it is you're doing. All of those things you said in Boggarts Cave, your passion to always be the best at magic, your belief that we're so superior to Muggles, so much so that you believe we should control them…"
"But we are—"
Lily laughed, cutting off his next sentence. "Exactly. You simply believe something that I don't. And whatever it is you're working towards matters to you so much that you can't visit me in the infirmary. It matters to you so much, that you can't drop it for an evening to go to the ball with me. And you won't even tell me what it is."
"If I could just explain more…" Snape was beginning to feel a sense of desperation in his voice. "If I could just explain more to you, I think you would understand and realize that—that I really do… care for you." He waited for a reaction to see if it was making any difference. He'd wanted to use the l-word but was afraid given how upset she was.
They finally reached his room and walked in, and Snape couldn't tell what it was, but something was different. Someone had been there.
"You don't need to explain anything," said Lily. "The more I've had time to think about it in the infirmary, the more I've realized we're different."
"We're not different. We have—"
"Severus." She placed her hand on his arm. "Something inside of me has changed." She sighed, and seemingly out of nowhere, the green in her eyes was vibrant again. "Listen, this is really hard for me to say. I think that I'll probably always love you."
"I love you too!"
"But… but I don't think that I can be with you."
"Why?"
"I just… I just feel that we're very different."
"So what?"
Lily smiled, and Harry recognized it as the same way James had looked at Snape—like a wounded puppy. Snape had become someone she'd felt sorry for; that was what was left. "You'll love a lot of girls in your life. It doesn't mean that you should end up with all of them. We just place importance on different things."
"Merlin's beard. This is ridiculous. How can you say—"
"Severus." She patted him on the shoulder, then pulled him in for a hug. "We'll still be close."
His arms hung limp at his side. The knot that had developed in his stomach was unlike anything he'd ever felt before, and sadly, it was unlike anything he'd ever have the potential to feel again. It was strange, for even in that moment, he knew Lily was the true love of his life, and sometimes a feeling like this would only course through the veins once. He was losing her. He was really losing her, and the void he felt was unbearable.
He bit his tongue as hard as he could, fought back the emotion that could pour out of him at any moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the last Henrietta Harrison book he hadn't burned, Roses are for Friends, Diamonds are for Lovers. The introduction was the usual gushing from Ms. Harrison:
Nothing in this world is as powerful as real love. Nothing in this world can cut through so much as a diamond. They're simply unbreakable. Nothing natural can grind them down, just like nothing can take away real love.
"I can grind down diamonds apparently," said Snape.
Lily stepped back. "What?"
"Nothing. Here, I'll show you what I brought you here for."
If Lily still loved him, and she said she did, there was still hope. He just needed her to hear the full explanation for why he wasn't at her side in the infirmary. Of course he wanted to be, but Voldemort's plan was an important one in changing how the magical world interacted with the Muggle world. This was a real opportunity to put things in their right place, to have wizards and witches lead the way. And it was happening now. If she would only join him to the Lost City tonight, it could make sense; she would see that they weren't so different after all, and things could return to normal. It had to be so.
Snape opened his journal and flipped to the back where he still had the three blue wafers. When he crushed one of them momentarily, he promised he would only enact the Dark Tourist to get Lily to the Lost City, to have her hear what Voldemort would say. He would not go beyond that. He would not wish for her to love him again.
He felt the thin, blue wafer in his hand.
"What is that?" asked Lily.
"It's something I think could help make your ornament… better. It could…" The words weren't coming. All he could think about was crushing the wafer and willing her to come back to him, leave James, and be with him forever. Lily and Snape. That was how it should be. That was how it had to be.
Harry was a wreck. Was it possible for his heart to pound out of his chest? Was it possible to sweat in the pensieve?
Snape turned the wafer over and over in his hands.
"Severus? What were you going to say?"
Snape looked at the wafer more closely. It was brittle like sand. A snap of his fingers, and it would be done. It was then that he noticed it. Etched into the wafer was the word, "Don't."
The same word Miss Rouge Arrow had said to him before leaving Slughorn's classroom. She'd understood all along, and yet she was leaving the final choice to use or not use the Dark Tourist up to him.
"Don't," he said aloud.
"Severus, you're acting really weird. What is all this?"
At that moment, Snape made the most impulsive decision of his life. After he did it, Lily was frowning in confusion. His own reaction was a mix of loss and relief. And Harry's—he was smiling and nodding his head in admiration. Dumbledore had been right—Miss Rouge Arrow probably saved Snape in that moment.
Severus Snape had just eaten all three wafers, practically swallowing them whole. There was nothing left of the Dark Tourist in his room.
