157 years earlier
Julian savored his last moment awake watching Jenny's beautiful golden face. Her eyes were bright with tears. She was screaming at him, but he couldn't hear anymore. Her eyes were beautiful even now. She was so good. He couldn't help but want it for himself. He'd been about it all wrong. He should have swept her off her feet, not into a game. He didn't deserve her.
If he had it to do over... but it could never happen.
In his last moments he thought about the amusement park. There would be no chance of her almost dying now. He was out of the picture. How she must hate him. That had changed him, broken him somehow. She'd managed to tear him apart completely. He wasn't himself anymore. He had never been so afraid in his life. She was the one thing that caused him fear, caused him pain, caused him to drive himself mad with desire. He wanted something he could not have. Even broken he had to still be a shadow man. They did not deserve happiness. They did not deserve golden sunshine. He did not deserve Jenny.
If he had it to do over again. He would do everything right. He gave himself comfort in that. He may have seconds to live, but if he had it to do all over again he would do everything right. "I wish..." he started to say, but the words wouldn't go to his lips. He hoped dearly she could see it in his eyes. I love you Jenny. I died for you Jenny. I did that Jenny. Because you deserve a wonderful life without me Jenny. It's a beautiful way to go Jenny. Because you're beautiful Jenny. Because I love you Jenny. He hoped his eyes said all that. But even his eyes, born in perfection destined for destruction, could not truly say how he felt. They were too used to telling lies.
And then the pain started. Pain that he felt ten times more then any human ever hoped to feel anything. He felt every molecule ripping apart into vapor. This wasn't supposed to hurt. This wasn't the way it happened. Shadow Men felt nothing. And yet it was like blind lightening was erupting in his body. It started from within. He was being destroyed. He couldn't gasp, he couldn't cry because his mouth was disappearing. His eyes felt as if they were staring at lightening flash from millimeters away. He couldn't take the light. It was searing, like sticks of burning metal were poking at every fit of his flash. He couldn't scream, he needed to scream. Julian needed to scream. He couldn't describe this pain. It was like being emersed in scalding light. It was like being burned from the inside out.
It was like being on Fire.
And then after what felt like hours but must have merely been seconds, Julian felt everything fade to black.
I'm dead. I'm really dead. Something wasn't right.
Consciousness. That wasn't supposed to be there. He was not supposed to be alive. Maybe he wasn't alive, but he still shouldn't be able to think. Unlike humans, Shadow men knew what happened to them. They faded to nothing. There was no after-life for them. Maybe this was Jenny dreaming of him, but that wasn't real, that was something thing he had told her to make her feel better. He was not supposed to be alive. But then again, maybe he was dead, there was an awful haze in his mind. He couldn't think clearly.
Julian attempted moved his fingers. They didn't work. He tried to open his eyes. Nothing.
"You want out?" Julian attempted to turn in the direction of a highly accented high pitched voice.
"You do, do you not? Speak up for I'm an old woman," said the voice. Then hefty laughter, as if this were a most hilarious joke. Julian couldn't believe this. He couldn't move, he couldn't talk, he couldn't see. There was some woman prancing around like she held him under chains and he couldn't do anything to stop her. He had never felt helpless. Julian did not feel helpless. He would not feel that way now. By sheer willpower he found his voice. He was here for Jenny.
"Where am I?" Julian strained. The words caught like ash in his throat. He would not cough. He wouldn't show her the weakness. Also he knew if he coughed it would only hurt worse.
"Well well talking already? You are certainly strong aren't you. Well you are a Schattenmann, aren't you?" more laughing. "Aren't you?" The voice turned almost sing song. "Aren't you, aren't you, aren't you?"
"Yes. And I plan to get out of here. I'm good at games." Julian was glad his voice sounded more defiant then he felt.
Even more laughter. He was going to ring this woman's throat. Well, he would when his eyes and fingers started working. "Silly silly not-so-Schattenmann. I do not believe in games. Games are for Shattenman. That's why they are confined to the world of ice and shadows. Games are for those without the power to be direct. Oops, that's what you did isn't it. Game after game after game. Tell me not-so-Schattenmann who won? If you are so good at games, why are you here? You are here because you lost," she stated bluntly, then she started in the sing song voice. "You lost, you lost, you lost. In your world of frost. Hunting for light, caused such a fright, but in the end she showed you whose boss." More laughter.
"Okay then how do I get out?" he nearly shouted. The haze in his mind was causing it to throb. The ash in his throat caught. And yet he had enough anger to talk through the pain. It may not have been loud but it held enough anger to make most people tremble. His temper was rising to a deathly level.
"You don't even know where you are, young one. You don't even know what's happened. You were supposed to feel nothing. You were supposed to think no more. After all who thinks after death?" She ended with, of course, more laughing. He'd ring her throat. He'd stick her in a world so viciously made she'd never survive. How dare she challenge him, treat him like an insignificant, taunt him with songs. Remind him of what he did wrong. Julian would kill her. He would kill her, and he would ring it out.
"You are a malevolent little spitball aren't you. Thinking nasty little promises you can't keep. Really, how did you attain that hair color, child. Sethmet had glorious bronze hair. Wulfin had such a lovely blonde color you saw and instantly thought of warm sweet soft things. Arjun had that midnight black that gave him that devilish look. How did you get stuck with white? Not even a light blonde, but the stark white of a balled up soggy piece of paper."
That, surprisingly, calmed Julian down a bit. He knew he was the look of perfection, it was just the laws of his kind. Insult his strength, insult hit wit, insult his decisions, insult his pride and you will die, but Julian knew his looks were not the point of his existence and that he would turn into what the other Shadow Men were now. He had never seen the other Shadow Men in perfection. He was so much younger. This woman had to be old to have seen them at their creations. Julian was now curious. He felt like chuckling. Jenny had always wondered at his mood swings.
"You've seen the others in perfection?" he questioned. He was surprised he could even be curious enough to ask questions through the mental fog.
"Of course, were you under the impression you were in some thirteen year old girls home who put a blanket over your head so you couldn't see or move? Honestly, child, if you can manage to start talking within minutes, which usually takes years by the way, you can figure out that I am able to put you on total lockdown." She actually sounded a bit insulted. So maybe he could just drive her nuts with blunt stupidly obvious questions until she just killed him a second time. It would be for Jenny this time too.
"So does that mean you are powerful?"
"Is it amusing to be stupid, or are you going somewhere with these pointless questions. You know I've never been one for small talk. I've always been a direct sort of person. Small talk is for uninteresting people. Never pegged you for uninteresting, but Hel I've been wrong before," she said, and laughed again. "Oh hell, I'm so clever." She laughed even harder. All thoughts of him driving her crazy were over.
"Doesn't this count as a game? Doesn't this count as being indirect? Not telling me where I am, keeping me under a 'blanket' so I can't see or move, not telling me why I am here. I can't even see. This isn't a very fair game either." Talking this much was making his head hurt.
"That's because we are not playing a game, you are simply going by my rules. You must figure out where you are. There once was a boy too stupid, to figure out where he fell. If only he were a little more lucid he could see that he'd landed in hell," she sang.
"I thought hell was filled with fire," he chuckled. The woman outright laughed. Julian's chuckle faded, he started bubbling with anger.
"I'm completely direct, and you're still wrong. That's amazing." How was that being being completely direct? Hell was a place humans went. It was filled with fire, how could she be directly stating where Julian was if this wasn't hell? And then it hit him. It was hell... it just wasn't that hell. It was Helheim.
"Oh, seems like someone has had an epiphany! Look at that! He has a brain!"
"Are you reading my thoughts?" Julian asked in an upmost annoyed voice.
The woman sighed heavily. "It seems I have spoken too soon. You've been here an Earth month, come on now we don't have forever. Well actually that's not true, I simply don't have that much patience."
What the hell? That wasn't possible! Surely he couldn't have been here for more then an hour. He could not have been unconscious for that long. There was absolutely no way he could have been here an entire month without his knowing. It wasn't possible.
"Of course it is. Time doesn't really pass the same here as it does on Earth, where you're used to dwelling. You see, little one, I get bored very easily here. It's not all that fun, forever. I mean do not get me wrong, I love my home, but honestly dealing with people like you who have yet to figure out who I even am, tries up my patience. One of my favorite hobbies is watching humans, you know, much like you, only instead of meddling with their minds I just watch the productivity and destruction. And while you may thrive in the fact that the world, for lack of a better word, sucks, I don't too much like it. But in a way it's masochistically amusing to watch. Of course I can't take a hundred years of watching people tinker with the car, so I speed it up. For me it was only about three months ago ago when women couldn't show their ankles and were gossiping over tea in fine china. Horrible age that, nothing but petty bimbo women with no will of their own. Twas a man's world. And now look: women have no idea what they even want. Half of them are parading around in less clothes then a raccoon and the other half are asserting their independence and losing all womanhood in the process. Of course this issue is one of the few concerns I have for mankind. I won't bore you with all of my concerns." THen she seemed to gasp audibly. And then she laughed a laugh that out all the others to shame. "You may get out some time, little not-so-Schattenmann. There is some hope still." Her deep Norse accent had turned low and measuring as if on the verge of calculating some major epiphany.
"To do that I will need my body and vision." Julian imagined the irritation in his voice wasn't helping his case, but this woman was... he'd better not finish that though.
"Good choice," she chuckled. "To get your eyes and body back you've got to figure out who I am. That one isn't hard. You're essentially still useless forever. Besides people tend to be more interesting when they can move around. The hard part will be figuring out why you are here. Why did you hurt? Why aren't you nonexistent? How'd you get to Helheim? Essentially, what is going on. It will be then that I will give you a set of powers, and a chance."
Julian tried to think, but it was extremely hard through the haze in his mind. She didn't age, obviously. She had at least the power to bend time. The fog was swirling around his head. He felt like the answer was so completely obvious, but he just couldn't put the pieces together. She lived here, because she'd called this her home. Other people had been in his same predicament. She was... damn it he knew this! She was the keeper of this place. The goddess that ruled this world! Her name was... her name was...
"Hel!" He shouted, and then he roared in agony. Laughter rang in his ears. His eyes burned horribly. His head hurt to the point where if was sure it would explode. The ash in his throat filled so that he couldn't breath. He was choking. Was he dying again? Jenny. And then once again everything faded to black.
Stop shaking me. What the hell is that? The world is moving! Why won't I just die already!
"So we've resorted to self pity? Dear me, child, wake up! I have plans for you! That's it... up and at em You're wasting time little one, come on now," she cooed. She'd been shaking him.
"Get the hell off of me," Julian growled. He never cursed. Especially not in front of a lady, even if it was Hel. He then noticed that there was no fog in his mind. He was thinking clearly.
"I figured you'd need to think clearly because a fog plus a state of denial means you're never going to figure out why you're here," Hel chuckled. "You work by the way."
Julian tried to move his fingers. They were stiff, but they were there. He put his hands under him and pushed himself up off the floor. His arms shook like a newborn lamb's legs. Slowly but surely he lifted himself up. "Ugh," he groaned as his legs nearly gave out form under him. His hands flung out and his fingers hit a wall. He breathed in deeply and by sheer will power stood up in his own. He planted his feet and raised his hands over his head. "Unnnghh. Ahhhh," he grumbled as he stretched himself out like a cat. Then his eyes began to itch. Julian attempted to open them. It felt as if they were rusted together. He rubbed them until he was sure they were bleeding and raw. Finally he felt like he could pry then open without ripping skin. "Ahh!" The light!. It was horrible.
"Oops, I didn't really think about that... actually I did and I thought it was funny." Julian growled at the goddess. The lights dimmed... after she chuckled for a bit. He opened his eyes. His surroundings looked like a blackish-purple cave. Tunnels lead in every direction behind him, but in front of him was a humongous flat black-purple wall. Immediately he was in a crouching defensive position.
"What exactly were you thinking would happen. I told you I don't play games. Look around, you'll be here for a while. In fact you've already been here for a while. Well in a way..." Hel said, and he saw her for the first time.
His first thought was that she looked nothing like the old crone depicted in most mythological paintings, to which she replied, "Thanks, little one, you don't look that much like a spitball either." His second thought was that she looked more like an underworld goddess then even the old crone depiction.
The woman before him looked to be in her mid-twenties. Her black hair reached down a few inches below her waist and seemed to move with it's own wind. Her skin was porcelain white. Her mouth was a severe pout that arched up in a wicked and sick smile. Her dress was as black as her hair and swept down onto the floor in a long train. Her face had an impish look, and a mischievous expression.
Her eyes were all black, no iris, no pupil, no whites. All black, and all insane. "Really, love, you had me at the sick wicked smile!" Julian blinked. He hadn't even realized he'd been analyzing her. She was beautiful in a way that was hard to look at, even for Julian, someone completely used to the idea of perfection. He actually wanted to get away from her gaze. She was watching him with an amused and calculating expression. He did not like it. Her lips fell back revealing perfect white teeth. She giggled.
"Look Father I'm a real boy!" Hel laughed. "No freakish nose, no strings, no powers. At the rate you're going you will never get your powers back. You're odd mottled powers that aren't really ever going to be quite the same because... well you have yet to figure that out don't you."
"Wait, at this rate? What do you mean? I can't have been out that long!" he roared. He intended to shout at this woman at every chance he got without the fog in his mind.
Her voice was tinkling and annoyingly light. "First of all, I can't believe that is the portion of my statement you picked up, and secondly you have been out for four days."
"It's only four days, surely you have more patience than that," he said serenely. He needed to get on top of this situation.
"Oh, little not-so-Schattenmann... think. Four days. Four of my days. Four of my days are nothing to me, but they may mean something to you."
And then it hit Julian like bricks. Four days. One hour equaled one month here. Four days, that was...
Eight years.
His eyes widened, and the blood drained from his face. Jenny was twenty-five. She'd spent eight years of her life without him. She'd had eight years that he'd completely missed. She'd spent eight years alone. "I need to see her. I need to see Jenny, I have to know she's okay. I have to know she's happy. I'm here for her happiness. I need to see her right now," he blabbed. He was pacing back and forth. He couldn't slow down. He needed to... he needed to hit something. He needed to create something. He needed to do something.
He had no powers. He couldn't do anything. He couldn't even watch.
"Um... actually-"
"Show me, now!"
She only laughed. "Say please."
"You will not treat me like a child, show me Jenny!" He spun around and looked at her. Gone was her smile. In it's place was an expression that chilled him even more then the wicked smile. Her all black eyes were narrowed and her face was twisted into something sinister. Her eyes had never looked more insane. The wind around her hair seemed to increase, making her dress flutter. She seemed to become a part of her domain.
On what seemed to be a cloud of air but could only have been her feet she glided over to him. She seemed to rise up to his height and when she got right in front of him she was completely equal to him. Her black insane eyes seemed to bore right into his unearthly blue ones. "You do not order me about as if you have authority, cretin. You are in my domain. You will treat me with respect. You do not want to anger me and lose your only chance." Her voice was low, authoritative, and deadly. Her mouth slowly spread out into a smile. It was just as deadly. She turned and walked in the direction of where she was standing before.
Julian did what was probably one of the stupidest things he had ever done. He yelled back. "What chance?" He sounded desperate. Like he was crazy. Maybe he was. "I have no chance. Chance at what? Jenny was the only think I've ever wanted! She's 25. She's had eight years to forget about me! She has a life! She has a family. She has to forget about me! I blew my chance! I cannot live without her! I am not supposed to live! You cannot just ask me to stand here, stay here, with no power and no authority and no way to interfere! Why am I not allowed to die!" he yelled. He couldn't breathe. He crumbled to his knees.
Her face got an almost excited look. All traces of her temper were gone. "But that is what you must figure out! Why are you here! Shadow Men do not fall here! Why have you fallen! Figure it out Julian! All will be worth the end!"
"How can it be worth it! She is gone! I am not allowed to have her light. I am not allowed to be warmed by her fire!" Julian moaned. Hel looked away from him. The calculating expression was back. She didn't speak for what seemed like forever. When she began again her voice was quiet and far away.
"Hmmm... Fire. I quite like that. It's exotic and fierce and powerful and it captures attention. Terms, language, and names all change from time period to time period, but fire is so eternal. What if you got your own fire, Julian? Isn't that worth fighting for? THe end is worth it, little one. Fight for it. Figure out why you are here. You are strong."
"What am I supposed to go on? How am I supposed to figure out the answer with no clues! What are my clues!"
She laughed, and she giggled. "That is not an answer!" he cried.
"Isn't it though?" she almost whispered. This only succeeded in confusing him more.
"Please let me see Jenny," he whispered from the floor.
Her expressioned changed into one of sympathy and her mouth formed a small sad smile. She lifted a delicate looking porcelain hand and made a swiping motion in the air in the direction of the large flat wall. The wall seemed to flicker and the the wall exploded with color. Julian sheilded his eyes. "WHat is it with you and blinding color! First my death then my eyes and now this!"
"Truly sorry, but I don't really have control over the endurance level of your pupils," snapped Hel, but she was smiling. And then the entire wall was a screen. And there was his Jenny.
Her and all her original friends. They were in the midst of a small party. They were all twenty-five now. Jenny was serving them all snacks.
There was Audrey with her copper hair. She looked the same as she had before if not more polished and refined. She was dressed in a black business suit. She had an engagement ring on her finger. Micheal was sitting next to her practically gushing with pride. He'd lost some weight, and his spaniel eyes were shining with love. It made Julian sick. Zack was there with his beagle knows and gray eyes that now looked more alive then Julian had ever seen them. He even let out a laugh at something one of the others had said. He got up to the snack table and started getting food next to Summer, who looked small and delicate as ever. She looked up at him with her blue eyes and smile. She pecked his cheek. He turned and stroked her face. Then she went back to her seat in the living room and Zack continued to put snacks in his plate. This did not help Julian much. He was still waiting for the worst of it.
Next Dee popped up. She was the same girl, athletic, confident, and determined. There was something else there now. And then Julian knew, she was going to college. She had taken his words to heart. Julian smiled. At least he'd managed to do something right. Dee walked over to a man Julian had never seen before. He was every bit as handsom as she was beautiful. He looked very educated and sharp. But when she walked over his gaze softened and hers got more playful. Julian could not have been more shocked.
And then the screen swiveled to Tom. He walked over to Jenny. Julian's breath went away. Tom was holding a small practically newborn child. It looked just like Jenny. But the little girl had some of Tom in her too. Jenny and Tom had a little baby girl. His beautiful Jenny, who still looked the same save for maturity behind her eyes and subtle laugh lines, had a baby girl with her husband... someone else.
"She is three months old. Julian and Tom got married at twenty-three. After the games they were, well they were stronger then before. They are both very happy. They named their baby girl Julia. It was Tom's idea, actually."
"They named her Julia, after me. Baby Julia," he whispered. "They are all so happy."
"You helped all of them you know. You made Dee realize she needed to make something of herself. You made her realize she was more than a series of karate kicks. You made Zack open up to reality. You made Summer realize she was important and not just a liability. You made Michael and Audrey realize they loved each other and that they meant something to each other. You made Tom realize how much Jenny meant to him and how much she truly deserved. And you made Jenny realize how strong she was. You made her appreciate the beauty in the world. You made her truly believe that there is good in the worst of the worst. You made her a better person. She loves you for that," Hel said almost timidly.
Julian could not stand let alone move. His heart felt as if it would swell up and shatter. His eyes stung with unshed tears. His lungs were on fire. His rib cage felt as if it would capsize. He curled in on himself and rocked. Distantly he heard whimpering pathetic sounds that he knew could only be coming from himself. He vaguely felt Hel's hand rubbing his back, and faintly heard her humming an old norse lullaby.
He stayed like that for a week.
He stayed like that and thought. He thought about why he was here. He thought about what the clues meant. He realized that she laughed and giggled when she'd let a clue slip. He thought about the things she'd said. She had asked him if he was a Shadow Man and asked repeatedly in a sing song voice aren't you? Was he? Shadow Men did not drop down into the norse underworld where miscellaneous objects fell. Was he a Shadow Man? She'd asked him who thought after death. Who had an afterlife? Humans had an afterlife. But Julian couldn't be human.. he'd been year for several earth years. Jenny was nearly forty now. He didn't watch her anymore. He'd seen enough. She'd said he would get powers, but they wouldn't be the same. Something was tweaked in him.
Jenny had shattered him. It hadn't been simply emotional, the pain he'd felt around her. It had been physical as well. It had been the shadows inside him ripping apart. It had been his insides shattering. He was not human, but he was not a Shadow Man anymore. He was something unique and horrible and in between. He had fallen into Helheim because he was not enough of anything to fall into another world. His ancestors had erased his name, but he was not completely gone because their rules did not apply to him anymore. He was not whole.
"Wrong. You are whole, Julian. Shadow Men are shells of men. They function off of that. You have been filled. You are whole," Hel supplied.
"I am here because Jenny filled me with light. I am here because I am not a Man of Shadows nor a human. I am an odd in between. The shell of a Shadow Man, and the substance of a human. I am here because of Jenny. She saved my life," Julian said.
This time there was no pain. This time his body filled with a feeling he hadn't even realized he's been missing. His strength and confidence returned full force, and yet he knew it was different. It was light. It was good. It wasn't a sick raging adrenaline rush. It was a powerful light feeling. It was like the strength of lightening had filled his veins. He felt himself laughing. He was still a wolf, but wild as opposed to rabid. He felt like himself, no better then himself, like he had the power to do something.
"Now tell me, goddess, what do I have to do to get out of here?"
"You remember how I said i was tired of how mankind continued to cause problems within themselves?"
"Of course."
"Well, I want you to destroy the world as mankind knows it."
