Thank you girls (and guys) for all of the review, fav's, and alerts. I know I'm terrible at replying and for that I am truly sorry. I read each one and each one inspires me.
Huge thanks to the Queen of my beta world, Kitty Cullen-03. She's a superhero!
Warning: This chapter contains sensitive subject matter.
I still don't own
Bella
My body trembled as I made my way to Rosalie's room. Jasper and I had such a good day and I was certain she was about to ruin it. When she walked into the room her features were softer than I'd ever seen them. She almost looked sorry… almost. I wasn't sure what she was playing at, but I tried to stay calm, just in case she could smell fear like I assumed. In my mind, Rosalie Hale was immortal; a demon would be the closest description I could get to describing her.
Hesitantly, I lifted my hand to knock. It was weak and shallow. So much for showing no fear. I heard a small voice that I wasn't even sure was Rosalie on the other side of the door. As the door swung open I came face to face with a startled looking Emmett. He pushed by me saying 'excuse me' and motioned for me to go inside before rushing down the hall. When I walked in, Rosalie was sitting on her bed. I glanced around the room; it was nothing like I expected. Her bed was a contemporary canopy that was pure white, from the wood to the sheet. Her walls were a light, airy blue with clouds painted on the north wall. She had a computer desk that held many pictures of her family and herself, but no friends. For such a young socialite I found it disturbing. In the far right corner sat a white chest of drawers and on the opposite wall a dainty white dresser. There wasn't a thing out of place and none of her accomplishments were on display. Her dark hardwood floors looked freshly polished. Although it was a perfect reflection of who she was on the outside, it wasn't at all what I was expecting.
I took a few steps forward, stopping a few feet away from her. She was looking down at her lap, picking at her nails. The corners of her eyes were creased as if she were squeezing her shut.
"Rosalie," I said, waiting for her to acknowledge me. She looked up with a heavy sigh. Her eyes were puffy and rimmed with red. She had been crying and it made me uncomfortable. I wasn't used to dealing with other people's emotions. "I can come back," I shot out quickly, turning around.
"No, wait." She jumped off the bed and placed her hand on my shoulder. With my mouth dropped open I turned around to look at her. She took a big breath and turned her gaze to the floor. "Bella, I wanted to say thank you. What you did at dinner…" she let her words trail off as she shook her head.
"You're welcome. I meant what I said, you know?"
"Yeah. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate it. Carlisle and Esme have been so good to us and the last thing I want to do is disappoint them. I made my decision with a heavy heart, and I knew he wouldn't approve. He's really understanding and I can count on him for anything, but he's really passionate about our studies. If you hadn't said something the situation would have escalated between us, so thank you," she said, looking up at me. I smiled genuinely.
"You're welcome, Rosalie. I think you're doing the right thing."
She nodded and began to move away. I took that as my cue to leave and turned around, heading for the door. I thought I was out of the line of fire when she called out to me once more. I turned slowly and cocked my head to the side. She was holding something out to me that she had grabbed off of her dresser. I narrowed my eyes, trying to make out the bottle in her hands. A gasp escaped my lips when I realized it was my pill bottle. The same pill bottle I'd shoved in my purse the day we arrived.
"I'm sorry," her face was full of regret as she spoke.
"How did you get those?" I asked through gritted teeth as I snatched the bottle from her hands. The rattling inside only reminded me of what they were and I had to fight the urge to throw them across the room.
"I'd like to tell you that they fell out or that I found them on the floor, but the truth is, Bella, I was looking for anything I could to prove you weren't good for him. I took these out of your bag to look them up. I'm sure Jasper knows about them, but I thought maybe it would give me something."
"You went through my purse?" Red flashed behind my eyes. Images of pouncing on her and pulling her hair out by the root floated through my mind.
"Yes, and I am so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. Emmett's mad and I'm sure I've just made things worse than they already were. God, Jasper is going to hate me," she cried.
"I'm not going to tell him." How could I? Then I would have to explain what they were and why I was taking them.
"What?" her eyes widened as she questioned me.
"Jasper doesn't know about… these," I spat, looking at the little brown bottle in disgust.
"Why not?" she questioned, narrowing her eyes. Her balled fisted rested on her hips, yet, she still looked softer than she had during our other encounters. It was my turn to take a deep breath and do some explaining.
"Well, I've only taken them once since arriving in New Hampshire. Right before we left to come here, actually. I was so nervous and started to panic. That hasn't happened to me since I left Washington. I've felt so normal since I've been away. It was nice not to have anyone looking over my shoulder or questioning me. New Hampshire was a fresh start for me. I thought that if I told him he might look at me differently."
"I understand that," she whispered.
"What happened, Rose?" I asked without even thinking. "I don't mean to pry and we don't have to talk about it if you don't want, but it may help me understand all of this." Alice said Jasper and Rose had a story. That there was a reason she didn't trust me. I figured if maybe she could talk to me about it, we could break that barrier.
"I'll show you mine, you show me yours?" she stated as a question. I didn't know if I could, but I had to try. No one ever asked me to talk about what happened, and I wasn't sure I was ready, but was positive that to get Rosalie to open up I had to agree.
"Okay," I said quietly, nodding as I looked down at my feet. The room began to spin as I heard Rosalie shuffle her way over to the bed. Dread was sinking in quickly, and I wished I had some water to take one of those fucking blue pills.
"Are you okay? You look like you're about to be sick." I looked up to see her watching me, her face full of concern.
"I'm fine," I lied. I moved to sit beside her. She looked so confident. I silently wished that I had that. "Look, we don't have to do this. I really shouldn't have asked. It wasn't my place. Besides, it's the holidays, right? Happy spirits, cheer, and all that?" I laughed nervously. I needed an out. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to get out of that room.
"Oh no, you are not getting out of this. I may not like you, Bella, but you are dating my brother and I promise to try," she held up her finger to let me know she wasn't done. "If you tell me what's up with those." She pointed to the pill bottle that I'd sat down on the bed as I sat down.
"Alright," I sighed in defeat.
"Okay," she agreed. Her fingers glided over her scalp over and over again while she took the time to collect her thoughts. "I'm sure you already know about our parents. Well, as you can image it was really hard on Jasper and me. Our whole lives changed in the matter of minutes and I don't know… I guess for a while I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. When we moved in with Esme and Carlisle I tried to be happy, or at least pretend to be happy, but I was having a hard time in school. I rarely slept and it didn't take Carlisle long to notice. Jasper adjusted pretty well. He missed our parents, but Esme has always been like a second mother to us and he took solace in that.
"When things didn't change after many talks, Carlisle suggested therapy. There was no way in hell I was going to have some quack tell me what I was going through was my own fault. I didn't understand it then, you know? I thought I'd go in there, they'd evaluate me, and tell me something was wrong with me. Anyway, I decided to change. Reinvent myself if you will," she paused, shaking her head.
"I was so stupid. It didn't take long for me to make friends once I put myself out there. I thought getting involved would get Carlisle off my back and it did. I got a tutor and brought my grades up. Things were good. I actually started to adjust, but even now, I'm not the same person I was. Once you've lied to so many people you start believing the lies yourself.
"My junior year is when things started to really fall into place for me. I was co-captain of the cheerleading squad, in the top five of my class, and had started dating Royce the summer before. He was everything I wanted in a boy, a man… He was older than I was- a Dartmouth sophomore. We met at my best friend at the time, Samantha's, seventeenth birthday party. He made a big to-do about being there, saying if she wasn't his cousin he wouldn't have come at all. Royce was handsome, jet black hair, and blue eyes. He was a rugby player, but only for recreation. I remember going to his games on weekends and worrying so hard that he'd get hurt. Now, I wish that he had.
"Six months into our relationship Royce started becoming impatient. He wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready, far from it actually. I loved him, but I always thought I would wait for marriage. It was what my parents would have wanted for me. Royce had a stealthy reputation. It didn't matter to me how many women he had been with as long as I was the last one. God, Bella, I was so naïve. I made promises I couldn't keep. Prom, I told him. We would do it at prom. That night came and went. I used ever excuse in the book to hold him off. So many times he threatened to leave me. I resolved that at the end of the summer I would do it. I planned to marry him anyway, and really, who could fault me? We were in love, right? Well, we never made it to the end of summer.
"Esme and Carlisle traveled a lot to different medical conferences and Edward and I always threw parties. Took advantage is what we really did. Jasper and Alice hated it so much. They felt like we were disrespecting our parent's home. They had gone to New York that July and we took the opportunity to throw an early back-to-school bash. The whole night Royce was feeding me drinks. I didn't question him because it wasn't out of the ordinary. Everything that happened after that is kind of a blur. I woke up the next morning, naked in Esme and Carlisle's bed with Royce's sweaty body smothering me. I was sore and bruised. It wasn't until later that day when I saw the scratches on Royce's neck that things started to come back to me.
"I told him no, Bella. I begged him to stop. Immediately after realizing what he had done, I kicked him out, using the excuse that I needed to clean before my aunt and uncle returned. I went to find Edward and asked him to take me to the hospital. They found flunitrazepam in my system. You know, roofie's? They did a few routine exams and the conclusion was that I had been raped, but who was going to believe me? Who would believe that the man I loved, that loved me, would do that? My family. That was it. I couldn't prove that Royce was the one that gave me the drug and when it came down to it, it was his word against mine. He had an excuse for everything and since my memory of that night was flawed I couldn't counter anything he said.
"He got away, Bella. I'll never forget the smug look on his face as we left the court room. I think that was the worst part. I trusted him and he violated that in every way possible. My virginity was the only part of myself that I didn't give Royce and that was the only part he cared about. Edward and Jasper sought him out not long after that. He didn't get what he deserved and they didn't feel better afterwards, but at least he got to feel some of the physical pain he inflicted on me," she sniffed, shifting her gaze away from me.
I look at her in horror, not sure what to do. A strangled, heavy cry escaped her lips and in that moment I decided it didn't matter how much she hated me, or wanted to prove I wasn't any good. I threw myself at her, wrapping my arms around her neck and pulling her head into my chest. We sat there for I don't know how long. Minutes? Hours? It didn't matter because whether she wanted one or not, Rose had a friend in me.
She pulled away with a light chuckle. She straightened her top over her round belly and wiped away her tears.
"I'm so embarrassed," she confessed.
"No, Rose. Don't be. I'm glad you told me, and am so sorry for what happened to you," what I said was sincere. I couldn't even begin to image the terror and shock of the situation. My heart bled for her.
"You called me Rose," she said quietly.
"I'm sorry," I apologized quickly. My brain hadn't even recognized my mistake. Every time I was around her I would tend to over think. My words were usually calculated.
"Oh, no. I mean, you've just never called me that before. You can call Rose if you like. That's what most of my family calls me anyway." My heart swelled. She really was going to try.
"Thank you for telling me." I looked at her and noticed her smile. She looked happy. I questioned in my mind how she could be after what she just told me.
"I wanted you to understand. You could be anyone, Bella. It wouldn't change the way I feel about people or about my brother. Esme, Carlisle, Edward, and Alice, sure they're my family, but he's my brother, you know? We've been through so much together and it would kill me if anything happened to him. I don't want to see him hurt. I'm working on it. I've been in therapy and every day it gets easier. Emmett's helped a lot, too. He's been so gentle and patient with me. I don't deserve him." She shook her head, looking over my shoulder at a point on the wall.
"Yes, you do. You're good for him, too. I've heard stories about him – the way he used to be. Maybe you are just what he needs to keep him in line." Maybe you guys were made for each other, I almost said, but stopped myself. I've never believed in soul mates or fate until I met Jasper, and still wasn't completely convinced. I thought love came with a price.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome, Rose."
"Alright, Swan. Now it's your turn. What's your baggage?" She patted my knee as if she were encouraging me. The corners of my lips quirked up as she made light of the situation. After hearing her story mine seemed easy, trite and ridiculous. I sighed and laid back on the bed, not caring that it wasn't my own or that I hadn't been invited.
"My dad was shot when I was nine," I said sounding stronger than I actually felt.
"That's it?" She rolled her eyes. I knew I wouldn't get away with just that, but it was worth a shot. I felt like an idiot after she poured her heart out to me.
"Well, no, but that's the gist of it."
"You got to give me more than that, Bella. There has to be a reason you're on those pills." Her body shifted towards me and her eyes held a slight glare.
"Fine," I huffed, and started to tell my tale.
"Here, baby, let me show you," my mother said, taking the towel from my hands and folding it. She placed it in the pile and looked at me with a smile. "Think you can do it?"
"I'll try," I said, my tone already heavy with defeat. I hated laundry day. Renee always thought we were "bonding", I always thought I was being punished.
We worked through the two baskets slowly. We talked about school and what childhood drama I'd seen that week. She loved hearing me tell stories; so many times I'd elaborate for her sake. "You'll make a great writer one day, Bella," she'd tell me. I'd normally roll my eyes internally and think; too bad that's not what I want to do. I was nine. No one knows what they really want to do at that young of an age. I didn't realize then that dreams only looked to be so close that you could touch them, and mine was to sing like my mom's favorite artist, Billie Holiday.
I helped Mom load up the car and the whole ride home I was bouncing with excitement. Renee was a good parent, but nothing like Charlie. He was consistent and fun. He'd been working nearly three days straight and that night was supposed to be mine.
When we pulled up to the house a frown fell on my lips as I noted that Charlie's cruiser was not in the drive. Solemnly, I followed Renee into the house. We put away the laundry and Mom started dinner. She called the station to check on him, but of course, he wasn't there. Not long after that the phone began to ring. I knew something happened. I could feel it. Instantly, I felt the life being sucked out of me. I sat at the table, working on that weeks spelling assignment, but lifted my head to watch Renee as she walked across the kitchen to answer the phone.
"Hello," her sweet voice rang. "Oh my God. Is he alright? Oh my God. We'll be… I'll be… my daughter… oh God. We'll be right there." She slammed the phone back on the receiver. I could tell she was shaking from where I sat.
"Mom?" I said, trying to get her attention.
"Oh, honey, we have to go. Your dad's had an accident and he's in the hospital."
"What kind of accident?" I didn't understand. Dad was invincible.
"We have to go, Bella. Now!" It was the first time she'd ever yelled at me, and it was then that I knew that something terrible happened. I stood from the table, stumbling over my feet. Mom ran into the living room to grab her purse from the couch and met me at the door. Tears began to stream down my face.
Once we were in the car, with the engine started, Renee turned to me and sighed.
"I need you to be strong, Baby. No matter what happens, everything will be fine," she tried to sound convincing, but we both knew that was a lie. She wouldn't make it without Charlie, and then where would I be?
After getting an affirmative nod from me she pulled out of the driveway. Two Forks police cars were parked in front of the emergency room entrance. Mom didn't even bother looking for a parking place just pulled up behind them and parked. We both raced out of the car, and immediately, Mom was enveloped in the arms of Officer Daniels. For a moment she appeared to be laughing, but taking a closer look I realized she was in tears.
A tall blonde, whose face I'd never been able to recall, came and kneeled beside me. She took me by the hand and explained that she would be staying with me for a while as my mother needed to fill out paperwork and such. I screamed, begging someone, anyone, to tell me where Dad was, but they were evasive - only saying that things would be fine. Nothing felt fine.
My mother nodded towards me, urging me to go with the lady. Her name was Mrs. Cope. I hated her for not telling me what was going on, though, she was rather nice. I was taken to a room full of toys that didn't hold my interest. I sat there for what felt like forever before Renee came in, her cheeks stained with dry tears. She smiled weakly. It didn't reach her eyes.
"What are you doing, baby?" She walked over and kneeled down beside me.
"Waiting for you," I said honestly.
"Come here, Bella. We need to have a talk."
She told me that my father had been shot while out on a burglary call. That was the first time I had an attack. My breathing became shallow and sporadic. The thumping of my heart began to quicken and harden. It felt like it was going to burst out of my tightened chest. It felt like I was going to die.
There was yelling and whispering and darkness and light. I woke up in a hospital bed later that evening. Doctors called it a panic attack which I didn't understand. Forks was small and I was nine. I'd be years before I learned and understood that Claire down the street was bipolar or that Jessica's mother suffered agoraphobia, or that Charlie's PTSD (or mine for that matter) had nothing to do with me.
"That's when it all started." I shrugged. "My dad was in a coma for three months and I completely drew into myself and refused to speak. The panic attacks gradually worsened, especially once he was home and back on the job. I didn't say a word for six months then it took two years for me to start talking without being prompted. I was a mess. My fears kept me home from school. I didn't go back until my eighth grade year and by then I'd already been labeled "a freak". Living in such a small town, there were no secrets. I don't have some fucked up imbalance. I'm not depressed or suicidal. I don't need to be watched, but there were rumors of all the above.
"People suck, they're cruel and they lie. It definitely didn't do anything for my condition or my self esteem. When Mike, the boyfriend I told you about? When he asked me out the first time I was ecstatic. I just wanted to belong, to be accepted. It didn't work, but for some reason he, and my best friend Jess, kept me around. When I left I just wanted to break free. No one here knew me, it was easy to forget. Besides, how stupid would I feel explaining my irrational fears to Jasper? I feel stupid sitting her explaining them to you. How fair is it of me to constantly worry about my father's safety, when yours is no longer here?" The words were out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. I clamped my hand over my mouth and looked at Rose with wide eyes. She grabbed my hand and sat it back down in my lap.
"It's not stupid, Bella. You went through a very traumatic experience at a young age. If I've learned anything from what I went through, it's that you can't change what's out of your control. Sure, your fears maybe irrational, but you can't help how you feel. Bad feelings are the hardest to embrace, but once you do it's so much easier to move forward. If you truly love Jasper, you have to tell him. Even though you've moved on from Forks, doesn't mean that somewhere, below the surface, those feelings aren't lingering."
She picked up the pill bottle and read the label.
"Are these the only pills you take?" She cocked her head to the side and continued to stare at the wording.
"Well now I don't take any, but I was on Paxil. I quit taking it about a week before I left Forks. I never religiously took it anyway."
"You need to, Bella," she snapped. It wasn't anything that I hadn't heard. I hated the way it made me feel and made me look. I wasn't fucking crazy. Things were better. I didn't need them.
"I don't want to be… abnormal," I admitted.
"This is America, sweetie. You're far from abnormal," she said teasingly.
"Thank you, Rose," I said just before I lost it. Tears streamed quickly down my face. Rosalie didn't move. She simply took my hand, let me cry, and spoke through my sobs.
"Meh, don't mention it. Was it good for you? Because it was definitely good for me," she joked with a wink. I laughed, wiping the last of my tears from the corners of my eyes.
"Yeah, I think it was good for me." I nooded.
"Good." She took my hand in hers and pulled me off of the bed. Her arms wrapped around my neck and she pulled my head down on her shoulder. "I'm trying, Bella. No one is perfect. I'm sorry for being so terrible to you, and I can't promise it won't happen again, but just remember that I am trying."
"I'll remember," I said, my tone matter of fact, pulling away from her. "I guess I better go find Jasper. I'm sure he's wondering what's going on."
"Oh, I'm sure he is. He'll probably want to count the number of hairs on your head the minute he sees you." She smiled sweetly.
Rosalie followed me to the door and asked me to send Emmett in if I saw him. I did, but he and Jasper were in the living room talking and I didn't want to interrupt. My conversation with Rose gave me a lot to think about, and I found that I was grateful to have some time to myself, to think. By the time Jasper came back up to the room we were both physically drained. Neither of us asked about our private conversations with the sense that that's just what they were – private. We ended up staying in and eating dinner with the family. It was okay. Alice put on a great show of pining over her high school sweetheart, Tyler gave me the creeps, but kept his distance, Rosalie smiled at for the first time in public, and the night was drama free. I felt like I had just successfully completed a mission for the CIA.
The next morning Alice woke me up bright and early to do last minute shopping. I didn't complain. We were only three days away from Christmas, and I hadn't bought anyone, but my parents, anything and needed to get it done. Jasper was invited, but declined. I was reluctant to leave him since we hadn't been able to go on our date the night before, but he insisted I go. He, Edward, Carlisle, and Emmett were going to the next town over to do some shopping themselves, so I didn't feel so bad.
When we got in the car Alice told me that she and Tyler came to the mutual agreement that they would only be friends. She didn't have to tell him about Tia, and he never admitted to anything either. I got the feeling that it was better for her that way. They agreed to wait until after the holiday's to announce their split. She seemed lighter than I'd ever seen her. It made me realize that I needed to tell Jasper about my past, and rid of the extra weight I'd been carrying, or burying, depending on how you looked at the situation.
Review because it's the polite thing to do :)
For those of you who don't know, I posted a new fic this week. It's my first ever canon, Eyes Wide Shut. It's a little heavy, but if you like E/B give it a try. I also collab with Jasper's Sex Kitten under the name Twisted Minds Think Alike. March out of the Madness is a Dark Emmett/Bella and we are currently working on chapter 4. So if dark's your thing please check that out as well.
Thanks for reading. See ya soon.
~K
