Scars
That evening Emily insisted on moving out on to the couch while Hotch made dinner. For himself he was pan searing a steak, they would share the fresh made mashed potatoes, and he was making her some chicken noodle soup.
"That smells amazing and I am not even a fan of steak. I can't wait for the mash potatoes, I am starving."
"That is a good sign though probably not a wise choice to have steak as your first real food. I think it best to work up to it. When you are really feeling better I will make you a delicious dinner."
"Based on the smells coming from the kitchen I don't doubt it."
"Well I am more than just a pretty face. I thought tomorrow for breakfast we could move on to toast and apple sauce?"
"Something I actually have to chew I hope my teeth remember how to do it."
"Hey I know toast isn't anything to shout about and I am sure it seems that I am making you take baby steps here but the last thing I wants is for you to end up throwing up."
"I'm sorry I don't mean to be difficult or sarcastic, you are doing such a good job taking care of me and I love you for it."
"Emily you are not being difficult sarcastic yes but that is who you are sarcastic and more than a little bit stubborn and I love that about you. I actually thought you were going to be much more difficult, but I suspect that your stubbornness may come out once you are feeling better."
"Good thing you love my stubbornness, I can't seem to get rid of it though I think I might need it in a little while because you can be pretty stubborn yourself you know?"
"I know which is why you right yesterday when you said we make an excellent pair."
"Our lives will never be boring" She said with a smile. They soon fell into a comfortable silence then out of the blue she began to talk.
"When I close my eyes I can see everything, I remember everything that happened. You would think with two blows to the head I would have some memory loss, but no I remember everything. It invades my waking hours and all I want is control over it, I don't want to walk around wondering what is going to bring the memories flowing back. I had no control over anything while I was abducted. I want control over my life and I still don't have that back, I can't go for a walk when I want to, I can't even take a shower I want my life back and to be perfectly honest I want to do more than sit in bed and eat ice cream with you." Her anger slowly dissipated and turned to tears.
Hotch quickly moved over to where she sat on the couch, he gently took her by the face and kissed her. It was no little peck on the lips instead it was as physical a kiss as he could give her without hurting her.
To both their surprise one kiss soon turned into a make out session. For Emily it was a confirmation that she was alive, that the nightmares weren't real and she had finally gotten the thing she wanted most Aaron Hotchner. It felt so good kissing him and for a few minutes she wasn't in pain, she wasn't injured, she was in the happiest place she had ever been.
To Aaron this kiss was about reassuring her that he really did want her and he would always be there for her. And after his nightmare it confirmed that she was safe alive and with him. He had wanted to do this and a lot more to her for a long time and he was finally getting a small opportunity to do so.
Finally He had to pull back, if he didn't stop soon the rational part of his brain would leave and he would begin to do several more things to her none of which was a good idea at the moment.
She let out a moan as he pulled away "That was really nice." She said softly with an impish smile on her face
"I'm sorry but we need to stop now or I may not have the self control to prevent myself from doing some wonderful things to you all of which your body is not ready for and will surely cause a great deal of pain."
"No I understand just promise we can do that again soon."
"Defiantly."
"Good, a minute more and I would have let you do all those things to me regardless of the pain and then we would have ended up at the ER getting weird looks from the nurse. And possibly burning the house down because from the smell of it I would say your steak is almost well done."
"Shit" he said gently moving her back to the couch and ran into the kitchen.
Emily could hear clanging of pans and the sizzling of meat.
"Is everything okay?" she asked
"I saved the meat and potatoes but your soup is going to take a while to cool down though once it does it should be just fine. Promise me you will never mention this to my brother he is a chef in New York. He would never let me live it down if he knew that I almost burned dinner making out with a girl."
This caused her to break out in a fit of laughter she hadn't laughed that hard in a long time but the thought of Aaron Hotchner being harassed by his younger brother for making out with a girl, was very funny to her. Soon she was clutching her ribs because it hurt to laugh yet she couldn't stop. "Don't worry I will keep you secret" she managed to get out between laughs.
"That right laugh, just be glad you don't have any siblings." It was so good to see her laugh but he didn't want her to hurt himself. "Em it isn't that funny."
"Sorry" she said getting her laughter under control.
"Your ribs okay?"
"Yeah their fine, they always hurt I am learning to ignore them."
"I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but I will let it go for now, would you like to eat now."
"That sounds good" She said with a giant smile.
They ate dinner and it was as though the events of the last week hadn't happened. They sat there making each other laugh and all around enjoying the others company. They didn't talk about how she was feeling or the lasting effects of her abduction. It was a simple relaxing dinner soaking up each others presence.
She had moved to sit with him at the table for dinner and once they were finished eating the both returned to the couch. They eventually had found a comfortable position on the couch which allowed them to sit together but didn't cause Emily any pain. Once they found a good position she began to talk once again.
"I know I am moving past being in shock and now it is time to come to terms with what happened. All I want to do is move past it and get back to living my life. I wish that was how it worked. But I know I can't just dismiss what happened to me.
"I have decided that talking to you while it will help is likely not going to be enough; I need to talk to a professional probably one who specializes in PTSD and phobias. Doing what we do I know that I need to deal with this fully and completely, it is the only way I will ever get my life back. And if I do it this way there is nothing Strauss can do, if on the other hand she discovered you were the one helping me deal with all of this psychologically it could put our relationship and the team in jeopardy and that is one thing I don't want to risk."
He kissed her "You are one amazing person Emily Prentiss you survived hell and somehow you come back and clearly understand the help you need and still manage to worry about everyone else. All I can say is you are amazing."
"I love my job, my friends and you, I am not going to let that scumbag destroy my life. This job has shown me what can happen when you don't deal with things. I will go to as many therapists as it takes to deal with this." She wanted to make him understand that she understood how serious the situation was and she acknowledged that she needed help.
"You also know it is rare for a victim of a crime to understand they need help, profilers and agents are often the worst." He was speaking from experience as both a leader and the target of Foyet's mind games.
"I know and I can't explain why but whenever I start to think about curling up into a ball and sleeping till I am better or trying to run away from everything that has happened red lights start flashing in my head and a voice says 'Danger Will Robinson'. I actually think it is your voice in my head, keeping me safe and protected."
"Well I am glad for that but your apparent obsession with 60's TV is something we might have to talk about." He said with a little laugh.
"American Television in Europe when I was growing up was about 20 years behind it's not my fault." She pouted a little.
"I like it actually and I like that I get to be the voice in your head."
"Well you do share it the space with my mother."
"Naturally."
"You called me a victim" she said in a more somber tone.
"I'm sorry." He mentally kicked himself, he hadn't meant to call her a victim, he had actually been trying very hard not let any one call her that. He didn't want her to think of herself as a helpless victim unable to protect herself because she was anything but a victim in his mind.
"No I am now one, I know why Penelope asked JJ not to think of her as a victim it is quite a label."
"Emily you shouldn't think of yourself that way I know I keep saying this put I am going to continue to say it till I am sure you believe that fact that you survived, you're alive and you must concentrate on getting better."
"Yes I am a surviving victim but I am still a victim, I can't hide from that any more than I can the pain, remember the red lights they are flashing right now, I have to deal with this too."
Hotch knew she was right and he knew that waiting to talk to a professional would be waiting too long she needed to start talking now. He also sensed that Emily knew this and she wanted to talk now, so he helped her.
He took her good hand in his and looked directly into her eyes. "Em I know you are going to talk to a professional and that is great but you won't be able to do that for several weeks and I really think you should talk about it sooner. Please talk to me."
She took a deep breath and without preamble began to talk
"I didn't wake up for two days; he drugged me and dressed me up like a doll in that horrible dress. The corset was agony, it was uncomfortable from the beginning, it felt as though the Unsub was constantly squeezing me and it was a constant reminder of his control.
"I desperately wanted to take it off but I knew it would make him angry and for some reason I didn't want to make him angry I don't know why. But even if I had wanted to get it off I couldn't he had it tied in this strange way that prevented me from getting to the strings.
"It only got worse after he broke my ribs, it constantly felt like it was pulled too tight. I had so much trouble breathing it felt as though I was constantly suffocating, that is probably when the claustrophobia began.
"Everything was a constant struggle; I didn't want to give into him I wanted to be strong. He did everything he could to get me to fight and when I did fight back he used it as an excuse to hurt me more" she said thinking of the stitches on her right thigh.
"In the end when he was about to kill me I fought him with all I had and it was all primal instincts, my flight or flight response kicked in and I fought him and he broke my wrist." She tried to explain the feeling and emotion she had experienced it seemed very important to do so but at the same time it felt impossible to find the right words. How do you put into words the fear and torture she went through.
"Emily not giving into him kept you sane and it is what will get you thought this. You are so strong. I kept waiting for you to look at the camera so I could look into your eyes and see your stubborn determination and it was always there you never gave up. You need to keep reminding yourself of that, you never gave up he didn't win."
"I wasn't always trying to antagonize him, when he asked me my name I wasn't trying to resist him I didn't understand what he was asking but even when I did know what he wanted I just couldn't give into him. Does that make me a masochist?" Tears began to pool at the corners of her eyes.
"No it makes you a really good FBI agent who doesn't like to see an Unsub win. You also survived a week with him and lived."
"I was alone most of the time that was the hart part, while he was hurting me it was all about surviving the pain he was infliction. But after he left me then I was in so much pain, I had no way to stop it and I had to lay there with the knowledge that he would be back to inflict more pain later. And on top of that I had to sit in that room knowing that he was going to kill me. It almost drove me crazy and all I could do was cry I am so tired of crying."She said at the tears fell down her cheeks.
"The apples were a terrible, they were a torture all on their own, and it was the worst of them all because it wasn't a physical attack it was a mental one. I didn't want to eat them because he wanted me too. But I was so hungry he didn't feed me. All I wanted was to be able to eat one so I would stop feeling so hungry but I was never going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me eat an apple. Though after a day I was in too much pain I no longer wanted food. "
"I watched you that morning, you starred at the apple forever and all I could think was 'pleased just eat it' because I knew you needed food. It broke my heart to see you fighting yourself. I wanted you to eat that apple because I had hoped that if you had some food you might feel a little bit better. But I understand now that if you ate that apple you would have been giving into him and that would have meant giving up and that would have broken you. I hated to see you suffer but then you looked at me and I saw the light in your eyes and I knew you did exactly the right thing, I was wrong."
"I think it was wishful thinking but I felt like you were watching me and that you would tell me to eat and that's why I took a bite. But once I did it I just couldn't follow through. And I felt the need to make you understand."
"I understand you are so strong you are such an amazing woman and watching you only made me love you more."
"But I don't feel strong, I don't right now and I didn't back in that room. I could hear him making the coffin outside I could hear it through the walls. At the end when time was running out it was driving me crazy and shredding my nerves, I knew the more he worked the closer I was to dying. It was like waiting for an execution, I guess that was exactly what it was, an execution; I was like a caged animal. But I couldn't pace the room, I was in so much pain and all I could do was cry it was the only thing that would keep out the noise. But unlike before all my thoughts of you were unable to make things better it only make them worse. All I could think of were the things I wanted and never got to do with you and everyone else." Though it was the very last thing she wanted to do at that moment she couldn't help but cry harder.
Emily had opened up to him and Hotch thought as a sign of trust he should tell her how he felt when she went missing. He knew that nothing would make her feel better right now but maybe if he shared his feeling, she might feel better about sharing hers and crying.
"I was going crazy trying to find you and as hard as it was to watch what he did to you. I was glad the camera was there. I know you hated it but for me having that camera meant I could see you, I got to know what was going on and that you were still alive.
"The first two days when we had no idea where you were or if you were alive was horrible. I wanted to take my gun out and shoot the LEO who told me you were missing and everyone after who confirmed it. It didn't take us too long to determine that Grant had you and that made it worse because we knew how he tortured woman. I had no idea if you were alive; I dreaded the moment JJ or the officers came into the room because I was so afraid that they were going to tell me they had found your body. I couldn't bear it, so when I saw you alive on that video feed I was given back my hope of saving you. And when Garcia traced that video feed all I could think of was getting to you, holding you in my arms. I don't think I took a breath until you stated breathing on that floor right in front of me."
"I am so sorry you had to go through all of this I never wanted to put you through something like this."
"No don't you dare do that, none of this is your fault what happened to you was not your fault." He pulled her close to him as she cried. She cried till she was sure she had no tears left. She cried for the torture they both suffered, the pain she still had to endure and the lasting trauma she carried with her.
Once her tears had subsided Aaron pulled her into his arms and carried her into the bedroom. He laid her gently on the bed and wiped the reaming tears from her cheeks. He gave her a passion filled kiss and then proceeded to lay down next to her. Without a word he took off his shirt and laid on his back. Emily proceeded to run her fingers over his scars tracing them back and forth.
Neither of them said a word, they didn't need to, all the words had already been said, now was the time to reinforce their bond and love for each other. Emily moved to kiss each scar even though the position caused her some pain she didn't care.
It was sensual and calming to both of them especially to Aaron, this was the final part of him that he had never shared with another person, it was almost cleansing to share it with her. When she was done Emily laid back down with her head on his chest.
He fell asleep shortly after and it was her turn to watch him sleep, all the stress left his face and she wished in vain that there was some way that she could bring him such peace when he was awake. She continued to run her fingers over his scars until she too was taken over by sleep.
A/N I really wanted to have this up days ago and I am really sorry it had taken this long. The next few chapters should be up sooner I promise. Thank you so much for continuing to read and I hope you continue to enjoy the story and as always thank you so much for the reviews.
