Now I'm sitting here before the fire
The empty room, the forest choir
The flames that could not get any higher
They've withered now they've gone
Chapter Eighteen
Fiore Towers Apartment Building
#39 West 45th Street
Rose tried to keep a smile on her face for the rest of the day, and slowly began to allow the paranoia to slip away. She kept her head low throughout her classes and especially as she rode the subway home, but as the hours passed she felt more and more comfortable being back in her old world. Obviously no one could possibly know, and even if they did, it wasn't any of their business and if they had a problem with it, well that was there problem.
When she got home, Rose was careful to open the door and lay her things down quietly, because she knew Jack would probably still be asleep. So, needless to say, she was surprised to hear his familiar voice in the next room. He must be on the phone with someone, she thought. Probably Fabrizio. Interested in what they were saying, Rose silently made her way across the kitchen and leaned against the door frame behind Jack. He was sitting in an armchair that faced the window, so he couldn't see Rose from where he sat. Rose knew it was silly and something she was going to have to give up soon, but she'd always loved eavesdropping into people's phone conversations. Although, she thought, it would probably become useful when their child got a little bit older.
"Yeah, yeah, that sounds great," she heard Jack say into the phone. "I'm sure Rose would love to meet her… Definitely… Alright, see you then. Bye, Fabri."
Rose smiled, guessing that tonight she might get to meet Fabrizio's girlfriend Helga. She was a little bit confused, though, because Jack had to work after all. In fact, she really wondered what was possibly so urgent that he was already awake. He was going to be dead later on that night. She laughed quietly, because that was such a thing that he would do. He wanted Rose to meet his friends because that would make her happy, and that was all that mattered. God, he was adorable.
"Hey, Jack," Rose said, pretending not to have heard the conversation. "What are you doing out of bed?"
Getting up from his chair and hugging Rose tightly, Jack said, "I was thinking that you and I both really need a break, so I called Mr. Cartmell and asked him for the night off. He said that was fine, so I called Fabri and asked if he and Helga just wanted to come over and hang around with us- maybe watch a movie or something. Sound cool?" he asked, kissing her on the cheek.
"Sounds wonderful," she replied, thinking how Jack never ceased to amaze her when it came to putting her first. But he so right; Rose wasn't sure about Jack, but she definitely needed a break, especially now when she had so much to talk over with him. She grabbed him by the hand and lead him towards the couch, feeling a little bit nervous. She knew well enough by now that Jack would support her in everything she pursued, that nagging voice of her mother, of Cal, of everyone else from her old world, still persisted in the of her mind, telling her that she would never amount to anything. That she couldn't do it. That it everything was impossible.
Sitting down and looking at Rose intently, Jack said, "What's up, hun?"
For a moment, Rose searched her mind for a round-about way to bring up the topic of university, but when she could find one, she just came right out and said it. "I was thinking about this today at school," she explained slowly, "and I realized that there's no reason why I couldn't go to university, if we somehow found the money." Rose considered stopping for a second, but decided that it would be best if she said her entire piece all at once. "I already have a massive college fund that I can access without asking my mother, and it would almost be enough. I was thinking that I could get some sort of part-time job to cover the rest, which really wouldn't be too much. I want to study art," she added as an afterthought.
Jack seemed to be really contemplating what Rose had said. She wondered what he was thinking. Did he think it was a good idea? A bad one? Impossible, perhaps? After what seemed like far too long a time to be thinking about a simple statement, Rose felt the need to justify herself further.
"I know I have an inheritance and everything, but hopefully I won't be getting that for a long time. We need to find a way to support our family… our baby," she said, sounding almost as though she was begging. For the hundredth time in the last few days, Rose's hands drifted towards her stomach. To her surprise, Jack placed his hand over hers and smiled.
"I really do think it's a great idea," he said, lacing his fingers through hers. "You're absolutely right, we need the money. My only problem-" he explained with a laugh, "and don't take this offensively – is that I have no idea what kind of job you'd get!"
For a moment, even though she tried not to be, Rose had to admit she was slightly offended. The feeling lasted only a second, though, because she couldn't stay serious when Jack was sitting across from her, smiling like an idiot. He was right, after all. Rose had absolutely no working experience, and practically no clue how to do anything they could possibly pay a teenager for- cooking, cleaning, serving people. Slowly, an equally stupid grin spread across her own face, and before she knew it, Rose was laughing like a maniac. Why is it that the truest, most pathetic things are always the funniest?
"I've got to admit, Jack," she said, struggling to breathe through the laughter, "you have a point there. But I'm sure there's something I could do. I can wash dishes! Restaurants always need dishwashers."
As Jack considered what Rose had said, she herself realized that she being very presumptuous. Any twelve-year-old could wash dishes; she had no previous work experience and would probably luck out for a long time. That didn't matter though- they had to make this all work for the sake of their child. She had to at least try. Since Rose had learned that she was pregnant, she hadn't really thought about how important making money would be until today. All you ever hear about with teen moms is dropping out of school, or at least not attending post secondary, so she'd resigned herself to doing just that without even thinking about it. However, it had been made very obvious to her this morning that they couldn't live like this, especially when it was possible for her to be so much more.
Resting her hand, on Jack's forearm, Rose looked him in the eye and said, "I know I'm probably not being very realistic right now, but we have to try." She paused and glanced around the room. It killed her to admit it, but what she saw was not promising at all- a living room that held a beaten up couch and armchair that was basically in the same room as the pathetic excuse for a kitchen. There were two doors- one for a bathroom, wherein the plumbing was less than satisfactory, and one that opened to reveal a ratty mattress on an old bed frame that was trying desperately hard to convince itself it was a bedroom. They could not keep a child here.
"Jack, please don't take this the wrong way, because I would sleep in a mine field if it meant I was with you, but you and I both know that this is no place for a baby. She wouldn't have any place to sleep." That simple declaration didn't mean much- in all reality a baby could sleep with their parents; that was the least of the couple's problems. There was an absolute desperateness in her voice, though. As she said that, tears stung the back of Rose's eyes, and for the first time she understood, if only slightly, the infinite love and fierce protectiveness that a mother feels for her child- a love that is beyond the bounds of space and time. She would have gone to Hell and back to give her baby a good life.
Sighing and leaning back on the couch, Jack replied, "You're right, Rose. You're absolutely right."
Rose didn't say anything after that- there was nothing to say, really. She was going to have to write up a pathetic excuse for a resume at some point soon, and maybe she could get a character reference from someone. It would be just about her only shot.
"You know Jack," she said, after some thought, "I know you're busy now with work, but I think you should keep selling your sketches. They're really good and it's not like you've got anything to lose."
"That's true, Rose, and it's probably a good idea, but I want you to stop stressing out right now, okay?" he said, situating himself on the couch so that he was sitting cross-legged and able to reach over Rose's shoulders and rub her back. "It won't matter what we do if you don't take care of yourself. You've gotta relax, hun."
Rose giggled slightly and leaned back into Jack's embrace. He dug deeper into her shoulder blades with his warm, worn hands. She hadn't realized until now just as how stressed she had been lately, but as she allowed Jack to massage all the knots out of her back, she felt it all melt away.
"That feels so good," she smiled, resting her hands on her still flat stomach. In one way, it was hard to believe that there was a living, breathing person inside there, because she couldn't see it or feel it, but in another, it was as though the baby had been there all along- Rose already loved him or her that much. She felt Jack's hands slowly slide down from her back and wrap around her waist, finally stopping on top her own hands.
With that crooked little smile that Rose loved so much, Jack said, "It's so hard to believe my baby's in there." Then, apparently no longer speaking to Rose, he continued, "Hi, baby. I'm your daddy. I don't know if you can hear me, but I love you so much and I want you to know that me and your mommy are gonna take really good care of you. I don't know what it's like in there but I bet it's really dark and boring, but don't worry about it. You'll be out here soon enough, and we can't wait."
As he spoke, Rose couldn't stop the tears from flowing down her face. She made no sound, nor did she move, but she cried silent tears- in part tears of happiness, for how much she loved Jack and their baby, but also worried tears, for fear that they wouldn't be able to take care of their baby. Even though she was crying, Rose was surprised to feel a droplet of water land on her arm, because she didn't think it was hers. She turned around slightly to look at Jack who, to her great surprise, was also crying silently. The sight pulled at her heartstrings, making cry even more. Gently, she placed a kiss on his cheek and wiped away his tears.
"I love you, Jack," she whispered.
Leaning back in his arms, Rose suddenly remembered about homecoming. Now seemed like a good time to bring it up, before Fabri and Helga arrived. Despite everything that was going on, Rose was really excited for it, and she hoped that Jack would be, too. According to him, he'd dropped out of school when he was fifteen- he would have only got the chance to go to one or two of the big high school dances, and Rose felt a little bit bad for him missing out on so much.
"Hey, Jack," she began, sitting up a little bit straighter, "I was just wondering… my homecoming is coming up in about two weeks, and if I don't go with you I'll be taking Mekyla as my date. So do you want to go?"
To Rose's surprise, Jack shuffled in his seat and stared at the ground, not answering her question at first. He stared out the window for a moment, then took a deep breath and said, "I don't exactly have the best memories from homecoming. But of course I'll go with you, I'm sure it'll be fun." He nodded, as though to reassure himself, and then pulled his gaze away from Rose's. Although they'd only had eye contact for about five seconds, Rose had seen something in his dazzling blue orbs that she did not recognize- a sort of hurt and loneliness that she never would have placed with Jack. It almost reminded her of the way she had felt when she was stuck with her mother and Cal, and that worried her.
Placing her hand on his arm, she asked, "Jack? Jack, what's the matter? We don't have to go if you don't want to… Jack, tell me what's wrong!"
Jack shook his head solemnly and rubbed his hands together, not looking her in the eyes. "It's nothing. I told you I'll go, alright? Don't worry."
Rose wasn't satisfied with his response at all, but she didn't want to pester Jack, especially if he didn't want to talk about it. She didn't understand how someone could have such awful memories of homecoming- the worst she could imagine happening was getting absolutely plastered and waking up to find that you did something you regret. She could have been wrong, and she was learning very rapidly that you never really know what's going on with people, but that didn't seem all too terrible. Rose and Jack sat in silence for a little while, neither of them knowing how to cut through the awkward tension that had settled on the couch between them, as though it belonged there just as much as they did. After a few minutes, Jack spoke up, but on a totally different subject.
"While I was talking to Mr. Cartmell today," he began, "he told me that Cora was asking about you. She wants to see you, you know."
Rose laughed out loud at that. It completely shocked her that Cora would have mentioned her name and not Jack. "Me and not you? That seems unlikely!"
"You're funny, Rose," Jack said sarcastically, rolling his eyes but laughing nonetheless. "Anyways, he was wondering if you could babysit her next Saturday night. He says he'll pay you, if you want, but Cora just really wants to see you."
"He doesn't need to pay me," she said. "I'd love to do it." Rose had always loved little kids, and even though she had a couple of younger cousins in New Hampshire, she only got to see them at Christmas because their parents were authors, and her mother frowned upon any sort of artistic job.
Chuckling slightly, Jack replied, "That's what I said, but Mr. Cartmell insisted. So you're game?" Rose nodded. "Great. Then I'll tell him tomorrow night. Do you want anything to eat?" he asked.
Rose shook her head, but Jack insisted that he was getting up to get some water anyways, so a few minutes later, Rose was sitting on the couch with a glass of water in one hand and an apple the other, laughing slightly. She ate it obligingly, and it was absolutely glorious to have food sitting in her stomach and not bolting to the bathroom. After resting her glass on the carpet beside the couch, Rose curled up in the crook of Jack's arm and rested her head on his chest. She loved being with him so much she couldn't even describe it. If it was possible, she loved him even more now that they were living together and taking care of a child together. Thinking of the baby growing inside of her womb, she suddenly remembered something.
Sighing, Rose declared, "I have my first doctor's appointment tomorrow morning." She was not particularly looking forward to this appointment, because although she got to miss first period and most of second, it also meant that she had to find a way to get out of class without getting a detention. She knew, of course, how this had to be done, and she had absolutely no desire to do it.
"That's so cool!" Jack exclaimed, evidently not having picked up on her negative tone. "Do you know if they're gonna do an ultrasound yet?"
Rose shook her head, imagining how amazing it would be to see their child for the first time. The prospect of seeing its tiny heart beat, even on a screen and in black and white, filled her with joy. "I don't know, to be honest, but probably not. That's not the problem though. I'm going to have to call the attendance office and pretend I'm my mother if I don't want to get a detention."
Jack cocked one eyebrow at her quizzically and said, "That's stupid. Why do they care?"
Rose just shrugged. She didn't have an even halfway decent response- she'd asked herself that question so many times in the last for years that she had learned to live with it by now. This time was different though- she'd have to put on her mother's posh, uptight voice, plus think of a really good excuse. She could just say she had a doctor's appointment, but the little paranoid voice at the back of her head told her that would be too fishy, and that there'd have to be a reason for her to be at the appointment. Convincing herself that she'd think of something by morning, Rose closed her eyes for a moment and willed all of the worry to wash away from her mind.
As she did that, the doorbell rang. Rose immediately jumped up to answer it, but Jack beat her to it. He opened the door to reveal Fabrizio standing in the hallway, with a short, pretty blonde on his arm.
"Buonasera, mio amigo!" Fabri exclaimed, hugging Jack and kissing Rose on both cheeks. Rose stepped out of the way to allow him and Helga to step inside. Jack took their jackets and draped them over a kitchen chair. "Rosa, this 'a is my girlfriend, Helga. Helga, this is Rose. Remember, I 'a told you about the one who was 'a living with Jack?"
Helga smiled and shook Rose's hand warmly. "It's nice to meet you," she said. Helga spoke perfect English, but it was dotted with faint hints of a Norwegian accent, which made Rose think that she must have immigrated to the States with her parents as a small child.
"You, too," Rose said with a smile. "How are you?"
"I'm good, thanks," the woman replied, as she and Rose followed to guys into the living room.
So as not to make his guests feel awkward, Jack instantly slumped down on the floor against the couch, leaving room for everybody else either on the couch or the chair. Helga sat down on the couch and Rose offered a seat to Fabrizio, but he refused. She knew that the couch was much more comfortable, and she presumed that Fabri would want to sit down next to Helga, but the Italian insisted on giving the more comfortable spot to Rose.
Laughing, he began to say, "Rosa, you 'a know you should be as relaxed as possible for the baby-" but he managed to cut himself off just a moment too late. In all honesty, Rose really didn't mind his girlfriend knowing about the pregnancy, but clearly Fabrizio thought it more important to keep this thing a secret than Rose herself. He turned bright red and began to apologize profusely, but Rose just laughed it off and insisted that it wasn't a big deal.
Helga nearly jumped out of her seat and smiled from ear to ear, much as Mekyla had earlier this morning. Rose had noticed at an early age that women seemed to have a rehearsed reaction to another being pregnant, and she when she was really little she had wondered when it was going to be taught to her. When she was about twelve, though, Rose realized that, far from being rehearsed, the outbursts of joy were really one hundred percent natural reactions, because women just loved babies that much. Helga's reaction came as no surprise, and Rose merely smiled as she congratulated her.
"Fabri didn't tell me you two were having baby!" she exclaimed. "Congratulations, you guys! That's amazing news." Although the two women had just met, Helga wrapped her arms around Rose's waist and hugged her tightly.
Smiling just as widely as the other woman, Rose said, "Thank you, Helga. We're so excited."
"Oh, well of course you are!" she replied. "I'm so happy for you!"
While the two women hugged and squealed just a little bit more, Jack and Fabri stared at them shaking their heads, completely puzzled by women in general. Jack understand how Rose was feeling of course- more excited, more proud, more anxious and, above all, happier than he'd ever been in his life – but the hugging and squealing was something he never had and never would understand. A little bit like chocolate and shoes, actually. Women… can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, he thought.
Laughing quietly to himself, Jack asked, "Alright, guys, are we going to sit here hugging each other all day or are we going to watch a movie?"
The two women finally let go of each other's embrace, and Jack saw something in Rose's eyes that he's never noticed before; a sort of maturity and wisdom that usually belonged to women twice her age. He thought about the way he'd perceived her the first time they met on the Brooklyn Bridge- as a teenager. A scared, confused, teenager whose eyes were full of wonder, awe and indescribable pain. It had been less than a month since then, but Rose was so very different. Well, maybe that wasn't true. Maybe she had been this person- this grown up woman ready to take on the world- the entire time, but she never had the chance to let it shine through.
"Alright, if you insist," Rose said with a laugh, sitting down on the couch. Then, as though she had received a divine revelation, she nearly jumped back up again and exclaimed, "You guys know what we should watch? The Notebook!"
"Oh, I love that movie!" Helga replied. "Do you guys have it?"
Jack laughed out loud and crossed his hands over his chest. He said, "Even if I owned that stupid movie, which I don't, we wouldn't be watching it. I own exactly three movies, two of which I'm pretty sure you ladies don't want to watch- The Hangover, Year One and Remember the Titans."
As he said that, Rose remembered that, although Jack had a television and DVD player, they didn't have cable or satellite. A few short weeks ago, she would have felt a little bit awkward about that- not embarrassed, because she really couldn't care less, but as though she wouldn't really know what to say or do after such a comment. It was different now, though. Rose no longer associated herself with wealth or money or importance, and in fact she almost never even thought about the dramatic differences between the home she'd shared with her mother and the one she shared with Jack.
"I'm pretty sure you're right Jack," Helga said, but Jack didn't need confirmation. He laughed slightly as he jumped and grabbed a DVD case from the bottom of a tiny pile. Rose noticed that, while the two newer movies looked as though they may have been watched just a few weeks ago, the case that Remember the Titans looked as though it had a thin layer of dust over it, like it hadn't been watched in months, if not years.
As though he could read her mind, Jack said, "I haven't watched this movie in over a year, and just to let you girls know… don't make fun of me or anything, cause I know you two woulda done it if we watched The Notebook…" he stammered, beating around the bush, "I'm probably gonna cry. Don't make fun of me, okay?"
It was all Rose could do to stifle her laughter. She didn't really care, personally, especially because she was one of the biggest movie criers around, but it was almost impossible for her to picture Jack crying during a football movie. Sure, they were cute and heartwarming, but Rose didn't know a single soul who'd ever shed a tear for a football movie.
"I'll try, Jack," she said as he popped it into the player and sat down on the floor at Rose's feet, "but I'm not promising anything."
"Yeah, well," Jack replied cockily, "I might have to buy The Notebook, just for you, and then we'll see who's laughing!" He reached behind him and grabbed Rose's foot and tickled it while she wasn't paying attention, which caused her to shriek at the top of her lungs and then dissolve into a fit of giggles. She start to yell something that sounded like, 'I swear to God, Jack Dawson!,' but he shushed her before she got the chance to finish.
Rose could still feel where his grip had been on her ankle for a long time after he let go. Every time her skin touched his, it was as though a bright and crackling fire was lit inside her heart. Never before had she experienced such a connection with another person. It never ceased to amaze her that, whenever she and Jack were together, it was as though their movements were in synch with each other's. They never accidentally bumped into each other or got in each other's war or anything like that- it was as though each of them knew what the other was going to do at all times and subconsciously made sure not to disrupt it. So, it came as no surprise to either of them when, as the movie was just about ending, that Rose decided for some reason that she'd rather sit on the floor next to Jack then on the couch.
Just as she heard the little blonde girl from the movie declare, "People say it can't work, black and white. Well, here we make it work every day," she felt a tiny drop of water land on her shoulder. In a way, she could see how that bit might touch Jack in a way most people didn't understand- they always say that certain groups of people can't live together- black and white, gay and straight, rich and poor… But at the same time, she felt that maybe that wasn't all there was to it. After all, Jack had forewarned her and everybody else that he might cry, and Rose doubted that it had anything to do with her.
As the credits rolled, Jack stopped the movie and put it back in its case, still wiping tears from his eyes but laughing at himself at the same time.
"I do not 'a understand, mio amigio," Fabrizio said jokingly. "This is the same man who 'a comes out of The Passion of the Christ laughing, and here 'e is 'a crying at a movie about kids playing football!"
Jack gave some sort of sarcastic retort, but Rose missed it completely. All of a sudden, it was as though someone had gone into her mind and taken pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that she hadn't known were even from the same box and put them together. As soon of the words were out of the Italian's mouth, Rose was in another place entirely. She mindlessly said goodbye to Fabri and that she and Helga should get together sometime for coffee when she could drink it again, but it was as though things went directly out her mouth without first passing through her brain.
As soon as the door was shut behind their friends, Rose turned on Jack and said, "What is it?"
Jack, whose face was no completely dry, looked at her quizzically. "What is what? I don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh, don't give me that!" she nearly yelled, flopping back down on the couch and massaging her temples lightly. She looked back up at him and said, "You used to play football, didn't you? When you were in school?"
Jack sat down in the arm chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Yeah, yeah, I did, okay? What does that have to do with anything?" He spoke as though he had no idea what she was talking about, but there was something in his tone and his movements that told Rose otherwise.
Trying to keep her voice calm, she said, "Look, Jack. You don't want to go to homecoming because you had, quote, 'bad experiences,' unquote, and then you of all people cried in that stupid movie. Jack, three weeks ago I told you all about my horrible life and about my father who shot himself in the fucking head on my fourteenth God damn birthday, and about the stupid disgusting pervert my bitch of a mother wanted me to marry and I hadn't even known you for twenty-four hours! If this is going to work, Jack, we can't keep secrets from each other. I need you to tell me what your problem is with football!"
A look of pain and hurt and abandonment flashed across Jack's face, as though a Band-Aid had been torn off of an old wound before it had gotten the chance to heal fully. Instantly, Rose regretted her words, but she knew she couldn't take them back. She could only try to make up for them, as gently as possible. "Jack… please, tell me."
Resting his head in his hands and taking a deep breath, Jack spoke slowly, as though each word was a knife cutting deep into his skin. "When I was in the ninth grade, my parents missed my homecoming game. We won it- completely destroyed the other team. I was so mad at them, though, because they decided to go to some dinner instead of coming to my game. They knew how much it bothered me, so they made sure they went the next year. I was so unappreciative of it, though… they were waiting for me when I came out of the dressing room, but I just sort of waved at them and got into my friend's dad's car… he was driving us to a restaurant to celebrate. I was gone that night… I didn't get home til something like three in the morning and I could see the smoke coming up from the ceiling and out of the windows…"
His voice trailed off and, although it was dark, Rose thought she saw his shoulders shaking heavily. "Jack…" she whispered, not knowing what to say. "I… I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
Lifting his head off his hands and facing Rose, he said, "It's okay. It was a long time ago."
Silently and very lightly, as though his body was absolutely weightless, Jack got out of the armchair and made his way into Rose's waiting arms. She held him close as he cried into her shoulder, vaguely wondering if this was the first time he'd ever told anyone about the guilt he felt towards his parent's deaths. Before tonight, Rose had thought she understand the way he felt- she'd always thought that nothing could be more painful then knowing you couldn't make your parents happy enough to stay with you, but then she still had her mother, so it was equal. Now, though, she understood otherwise. While her mother might have turned her back on her, she was still alive. Rose liked to think that if one day in the future either one of them decided that they wanted each other back in their lives, there would be no objections. And yes, learning the truth about her father's death had completely torn her apart, but nothing could make up for the guilt Jack must have felt. She wanted to take away all of his pain and to tell him that it wasn't his fault and that everything would be okay in the end, but she knew better than anyone that you couldn't just make everything go away. We take our past with us everywhere we go. Now more than ever, Rose understood why it was so important to Jack to make each day count. Not only could today be your last, it could be somebody else's last as well.
Jack and Rose stayed wrapped in each other's arms long into the night, she holding him as he finally cried for the loss of his family and for every day that he hadn't done just that. It broke Rose's heart to see Jack like that, especially because she was used to him being her rock, her strength; her everything. For the first time in her life, Rose knew what it meant to have someone who wanted you and loved you and needed you more than anything else in the world, and just how true and deep such a love was. Because it wasn't that someone was just your rock and your strength and your everything… you were each other's everything.
NOTE: SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION ABOUT TO ENSUE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
So... remember that story I told you about a little while ago... well, I published it, and it's called Through the Cracks. I don't know if many of you have noticed, but I think it could stand to perhaps "borrow," shall we say, a few reviews from this story. That's all I'm gonna say, if you get the picture. :P
Thanks for reading, as always. :)
