~*Chapter Nine*~
~*8 Months Later*~
"I said I'd be there," I said, sighing into the phone while I listened to the condescending tone on the other end. "Yes… I think I can handle that. I'm still their father!" My words came out a little harsher than I'd intended and the two women at the opposite end of the apple bin looked up in alarm. I gave them a weak smile before turning my back and lowering my voice again. "If you'd just let me take them in the day, you wouldn't have this problem. They don't need to be in daycare. I'm quite capable of looking after our kids."
"Most people are quite capable of showering every day too, but that little task seems to slip by you," she snapped back.
"I told you things are better."
"Edward," she sighed, "can we not do this right now? I don't have time, I'm late. Can you just be there at three, and I don't know… take them to McDonald's or something. Please don't take them back to your place, they don't need to see how their father is living right now."
"Fine," I said, gritting my teeth. "Call me when you're done." I snapped the phone shut, and took a breath to try and calm my racing heart. It wasn't often I got to see my kids without my wife or my mother present. It was an odd arrangement we'd worked out without consulting lawyers, one that involved me agreeing to not being around too much while my mother helped out as much as she could. These past few months, I hadn't exactly been a fit father, but things were slowly starting to get better. I was actually venturing out of my small, two bedroom apartment every once and awhile and did remedial things like grocery shopping, like I was doing right now. I'd been forcing myself outside every day, just to walk down to the end of the street where the little independent grocer was and purchase the basics like milk for my coffee or bread for the toast I ate every morning, or I'd pick up a newspaper to stay current. It was only recently I had started to do this because of a promise I'd made.
My mother had been doing everything for me for the first few months. I'd stayed with my parents for awhile, I don't remember much of those days. They were dark, that's all I know. It was the start of the disintegration of my marriage. No… that's not true, it had been on shaky ground for some time. But when I lost my job for not showing up to the Chicago meeting, she decided she'd had enough, and we separated. I didn't have much choice in the matter, not that I could blame her. I wasn't fit to be around anyone, especially her. I couldn't get past the shame every time I looked at her.
After a few weeks away from my children, my parents eventually made the decision I needed to be closer to them and found a place for me to live in the city. My mother did the long drive to visit twice a week. She did my laundry, dropped off food, and helped with the children without me even really knowing it. I'd basically slept the entire winter away. For months, I hadn't put it all together… how my rent got paid, my clothes got clean, along with my dishes, and how there was always a toilet paper roll on the holder. Things just always stayed the same, so there was never any need to do anything. The day I'd found her holding my clean underwear waiting for me to get dressed, was the day I actually woke up from months of a sleepless slumber. I hadn't yelled or anything like that. I simply said, "Stop," and she did.
She stopped coming. She'd call and check up on me, but that was all I would let her do. I'd destroyed my marriage, and possibly my children's lives and there wasn't anything I could do to change it. So now I had nothing. I was nothing. At least I thought so until a few weeks ago when a stranger turned up on my doorstep.
I was sitting, half laying, in my chair staring at the TV. I wasn't sure what I was watching, I never really knew. Every day was the same, they had all blended into one. I heard a knock on the door, but dismissed it for the TV. No one knocked on my door. The only people who visited were my parents and they had a key. The knock turned into banging.
"Edward!" the vaguely familiar voice rang out. "I know you're in there, I can hear The Price is Right music."
Huh. So that's what I was watching. Where was Bob Barker?
"Open up, honey. This neighborhood isn't exactly built for my kind."
I knew that voice and inwardly groaned, which quickly turned to panic as I thought about who else might be on the other side of that door as well. Fuck.
"Go away," I yelled back, shocked to hear my own voice.
"Now that's no way to treat a visitor. I came all this way to see you."
"You can turn right back around and go back to where you came from."
"Sweetheart, I'm not going anywhere. Lucky you, I've been transferred. And I have a week off before I start, so I can wait out here all day. And trust me, your neighbors are starting to stare. Just wait 'til I invite some of my friends over to sit with me. We'll have a big ol' gay block party in your honor, so open up." He banged on the door again.
'Fuck' was the only thing that kept repeating in my mind while I scanned the state of my apartment. It was a disaster, not fit for anyone, especially him.
Reluctantly, I went to the door. "Who else is with you?"
"It's only me," he said, his voice quiet.
I took a deep breath ready for the onslaught of all that was Alec and opened the door.
His eyes widened at the state of my appearance. His nose wrinkled in disgust, and he pulled a bright purple handkerchief out of his pocket to hold it over his nose.
"Oh my word. It's worse than I imagined." He pushed past me and did a 360 in my living room. He was dressed relatively normal, at least I thought what was normal for him. I'd never seen him out of hotel uniform. Apart from a really loud and colorful shirt and his gleaming white, leather shoes he looked well put together, unlike me.
"Oh my word," he said again, looking at the empty takeout boxes and newspapers around the room. "Edward." He shook his head and frowned. "If I'd known it was this bad I would have come sooner."
"I don't need or want your fucking help."
"Yes you do," he said eyeing me. "On both accounts."
"No. I don't."
"Listen, honey, you're a grown man with no job and two children. Trust me, you need more than just my help."
"Fuck you."
"Lucky for you," he said ignoring me, "I have buckets full of contacts in this city." He dusted off his hands and pulled out his cell phone.
"Who are you calling?" I asked with an edge to my voice.
"First things first." He punched in a number and held the phone to his ear. "Have you taken to the drink?" he asked me. "Drugs? Any of that?"
I mumbled, "No." I'd pretty much given the drink up since Chicago. My parents made sure I didn't go down that road. It would have been far too easy to drink myself into oblivion, but frankly I didn't have the stomach for it. It only seemed to bring back all the memories, not numb them. Besides, I wouldn't do that to my children. I may have been severely depressed, but I wasn't going to be a drunk.
"Well that's good news, because that'd be a whole different kettle of fish if you had, and I'd be making completely different calls." He held up his finger, indicating someone had picked up on the other line.
"Darling! How are you? Yes, yes, you heard that right. I'm here to stay! Fabulous, isn't it? Listen, I'm calling in that favor." He paused. "Mmhmm. Oh, yes. ASAP. Okay, just a second." He held the phone away from his mouth and whispered to me, "Phone number?"
I was in shock. In less than five minutes a whirlwind had entered my living room and was threatening to upturn my cozy little life of gloom. He snapped his fingers at me and had an annoyed look on his face, so I gave it to him without thinking. He relayed it to whoever was on the other line, along with my address and then promptly ended the call.
"A cleaning service is coming this afternoon while we're going to be out. Do you have someone to leave a key with? The Landlord perhaps?" I could only nod in response. "Perfect. One down, a gazillion things to go." He turned and walked back toward the bedrooms. He opened up a door, and said, "This is promising. Who set this up for the little ones?" He was standing in the large room that was actually the master bedroom for the apartment. My mother had set it up for the children, if and when they ever were to visit… which they hadn't. There was a crib for my son and small, tastefully decorated bed for my daughter. It was the only thing I'd allowed my mother to decorate in the apartment.
"I'm assuming it was this fabulous mother of yours I keep hearing about? She has gorgeous taste, and it's nice to see you haven't spoiled this room… but the smell. Edward, we have to air this place out." He carried on past the bathroom. "I'm not even going to look in there." He got to my room, and it was the same sad shape as the rest of the apartment. "Mmhmm. I see we've got our work cut out for us. This isn't a bedroom. It's a room with a bed."
"That's all I need."
"Of course it's all you need, but who wants to live that way? Don't be ridiculous. You, honey, are not a minimalist."
"You don't even fucking know me. We met once, and now you come barging into my life and want to turn everything upside down. I want you to get the fuck out."
"Well, as you know, we can't always have what we want, can we?" he said with his right hand on his hip.
I felt my ears flush, and the anger started to emerge. My hands were shaking. I picked up a can from the side table and threw it against the wall. It was empty so it didn't quite have the impact that I'd wanted.
"Feel better?"
"No."
"Then do it again."
And I did. Again and again and again, throwing anything I could get my hands on. And when I was done, I was out of breath and the tears had started to flow. I slumped to the ground and let it all out. I hadn't done that since the night at my parent's house when I confessed everything. Up until now, I'd just been uncomfortably numb.
I wasn't angry he was here. I was angry that I'd wanted it to be someone else on the other side of that door. After eight months I hadn't been able to stop that feeling every time the phone rang or the rare times there was a knock on my door. He hadn't even tried to call or contact me, and now he sends Alec? He was a fucking coward.
"Why are you really here?"
He sighed heavily, coming to my side. He bent down so we were eye level. "He didn't ask me to come if that's what you're thinking."
"I don't know how to get past this."
"I know." He put a hand on my shoulder. "You've lost your path and you just have to find a way back to a new one. You need to find out who Edward really is. You need to dig deep down and find out what makes you, you. And I'm going to help you."
"You don't even know me."
"I know more than you think."
"How?"
"That doesn't matter. What we have to do is get you cleaned up, and I'm really good at that. Although I love the Grizzly Adams beard, it's all manly and everything." He growled and smiled. "But I'm sure it frightens small children. Particularly yours."
I narrowed my eyes, wondering how he knew about my children. "You sound like my wife."
"That's the next thing. You have to mend that bridge. Have you told her?"
'Told her what, exactly,' was what I wanted to ask him, even though I figured he knew everything, or why else would he be here. I shook my head, no.
"Do you plan on being honest with her?"
"I don't know. What's the point?"
"The point is... 'To thine own self be true.' You can't truly be happy until you accept that."
"What are you getting at?"
"You know darn well what I'm getting. This shame... guilt... self-hatred has to end." He stood up groaning. "I'm too old to be in that position. Come on get off the floor, I can't imagine what's festering in that carpet."
"How did you find me?" I asked, hoping to deflect his last comment. I had an unlisted number, and I knew my parents would never give out my information to anyone.
"The gays have ways." He tapped the side of his nose and winked. "I'm kidding!" he said in response to my scandalous look. "Your mother gave it to me. She is fabulous by the way."
"You spoke to my mother?"
"Of course. She wouldn't give it to me at first, but she was an easy nut to crack." Alec spoke with a lot of hand gestures and he talked fairly quick. It was sometimes tough to follow both at once. "They all crack eventually," he sang. His expression turned serious. "They're worried about you, Edward. We all are. And when I say we, I mean—"
"Don't!" I cut him off. "Don't go there. You can walk right out that fucking door if you do. You can stay, but... Chicago is off the table."
He gave me a sad smile, and nodded slowly. "Okay. I can live with that."
I looked at him warily knowing full well he wouldn't keep to his side of the bargain. "I'm serious, Alec. Done."
"Look, Edward, I'm not going to push you into anything you aren't ready to be pushed into. That's a promise. Okay? We'll take it slow, and you let me know when you're ready on that front." He smiled at me and patted my arm. "You know, back in my thirties, I used to council teens. I was good at it too. Too bad there wasn't any money it." He sighed deeply, reminiscing for a second. "I do know what you're feeling. I'm a fifty year old gay man who came out in the eighties. I know a thing or two about pain and rejection. And you're not the first straight man to realize he might've married the wrong sex."
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. I still reflexively flinched whenever I thought about the word gay and me together.
"Okay… clearly not ready for a label yet. See? I told you I wouldn't push you."
"Why do you want to help me?"
"Because I like you, and I love my nephew." I gave him another warning look, and he raised his hands in defense. "Okay, okay. It's in the vault. No more. Edward..." He paused for a minute before continuing. "There's nothing wrong with you. All this guilt and shame is what you're pushing on yourself. You have your health. You have people who love you. And these are all gifts, but the other gift you have, perhaps the greatest gift, is choice. You get to choose how you want to live your life. If you want to stay like this, how you are living now, I'll let you be. But you think you're stuck, and you're not. God's greatest gift is choice." I gave him a skeptical look for he smiled and said, "What? You think a gay man can't believe in God?"
Alec wasn't kidding about getting a new start. I didn't ask where we were going; he wouldn't have told me if I had. He just said it was needed. So when we showed up at an upscale hair salon, I wasn't too surprised. He pretty much knew everyone in the place, I don't know how but all he said was that I needed the works and they fit me in.
I'd never had a straight razor shave, but I had to hand it to Alec, it was one of the best feelings I'd experienced. Between the sound of the leather strap and the blade, to the lather and hot towel, my senses were on fire. It was exhilarating, and my adrenalin was pumping.
"It's something else, isn't it?" the man said as he removed the towel from my face. "This is going to sting a little bit, but it's worth it." He slapped some aftershave on my face and he was right... it burned. "So how do you know Alec?"
"Listen, Jared, Edward isn't really up for small talk, okay?" Alec said from across the salon. He'd stopped his phone conversation and was looking at us. How he'd heard, neither of us knew. I smiled at Jared apologetically, and shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't really know him all that well," I said.
Jared grinned knowingly, as he put two and two together.
"Oh, no, it's not like that," I said trying to explain. "I know... I mean knew his... nephew." My voice kind of choked on the last word.
"I've heard him talk of him. Jasper, right? What do you mean 'knew?'" Jared gasped, bringing his hand to his mouth. "Oh, my God, did he die or something?"
"Um... no." I looked down at my hands.
"How's everything going?" Alec appeared out of nowhere, and I saw him quickly give a look to Jared telling him to drop the conversation.
"Almost done. Next step is this thick, head of hair. We just need to tidy this up, but I want to leave the length if that's okay." He wasn't looking at me, he was looking at Alec and asking his permission, not mine.
"I agree," Alec said, nodding. He had one arm across his chest and the other resting under his chin. "I love the length."
"Isn't this all a bit cliché?" I asked.
"What is?"
"This whole makeover thing."
"Step one to feeling good is looking good. Yes... that's cliché but it's the truth."
His phone started ringing again. "Look who it is!" He flipped it open and answered, "Hello, darling! How are you?" He was smiling at me. "He's right here, we're getting the works." He pulled the phone away from his mouth and whispered, "It's your mother."
I sat up straight. "What? Why is she calling you?"
He hushed me and walked back toward the front of the salon, leaving me with Jared.
"It's best to just let him get his way," he said. "Trust me, it's much easier."
"I'm beginning to see that."
I spent the day and better part of the evening with Alec. He had someone come in and completely scrub my apartment from the floors to the ceilings. Just like me, 'the works' had been done to it. It smelled clean and fresh and it was hard not to feel a little happier in this place. Alec had replaced all my bedding and good portion of my wardrobe as well. As far as clichés went... this was the top.
"You have to promise me one thing," Alec said. He was standing across the sparkling clean kitchen counter. "You must leave this house every day. Even if it's just to go and grab a coffee, but it has to be done."
That was a lot to ask of me.
"Every day?"
"Edward, it's not that difficult. You have to start venturing out. You miss your children, don't you?"
"Understatement."
"Do you have a newspaper subscription? No? Okay, then, every morning you're going to walk down to the store on the corner and pick up a paper. Can you do that?"
I nodded.
"We're going to take this one step at a time."
~*.*~
So here I was, a few weeks after Alec had shown up on my doorstep, standing outside the door to the daycare where the children spent every other day until three o'clock. I had stuck to my promise to him. I went outside every day. I showered, got dressed and even ventured further than just the end of the street. I hadn't seen my wife or my children these past few weeks, only spoken with them. So when the phone rang while I was picking out apples, I was a little surprised her name came up on the caller ID. She never called me. I had to call her at scheduled times when it was convenient for her. She was in a bind though, and the fact that she was calling me meant she was desperate.
I felt like a stranger waiting outside the classroom door. I'd only been here once when we were interviewed for my daughter's admission. I was waiting for my own children and all of a sudden I was extremely nervous. How did this happen? I never thought I would be a stranger in their lives, and yet, that's what I had become. Up until this moment, I hadn't realized how much Alec had been right, and how much gratitude I owed him.
I glanced around at the other parents in the hall waiting alongside me. I was the only male, most I assumed were nannies with the occasional group of stay at home moms chatting to each other. A few were eyeing me suspiciously, wondering who I was. I made a casual move to flash the ring that was still affixed to my hand and a few of them turned back to their discussion. The door opened and we were invited in to collect our children. I desperately scanned the room looking for the familiar blonde head of hair of my daughter's.
"Mr. Cullen?" a young petite woman asked me and I nodded. "You're wife mentioned you'd be coming to pick up the children?" She looked me up and down and had a bit of a surprise on her face. I could only assume my wife had probably warned them I would show up looking less than desirable.
"Daddy!" my daughter screamed, running toward me and jumped into my arms. I threw her high in the air and she squealed in delight. I kissed her all over while she squirmed in my arms.
"I've missed you, squirt," I said. "You've grown. Your old man can barely lift you." I placed her on my hip and turned my attentions to another woman who was walking over with my son. He was asleep, his thumb tucked neatly into his mouth and he looked like he'd had an adventurous day with some finger-paints.
"Sorry, we had a little upset today." She handed me both their bags. "I'm afraid he had an accident in his first change of clothes, and then managed to get into the finger-paints the older children were using."
"It's no trouble," I said laughing. "He's always been a bit precocious." I put the bags on my shoulder and lifted Jack from her arms. The little guy didn't even stir. "Thank you," I said and started to turn from her. My arms were loaded down, but I didn't care. I wasn't letting go of either of them.
"Oh, Mr. Cullen," the woman called out to me, "I almost forgot." She moved to the front of the room. "Your wife wasn't sure if you'd have seats for the car, so she left these." She picked up two car seats my wife must have taken from her car. I felt my face turn pink at the insinuation, and could feel a little bit of anger mixed with shame, but it was short-lived. I deserved it.
"I can help you," she offered.
"If you could carry them to my car, that would be much appreciated. I've got seats already, but she'll need those back," I said.
"Of course." She grinned at me, with what I assumed was pride. "We don't have many fathers come during the day," she said. "And I have to be honest, from what your wife said... you're definitely not what we'd been expecting."
It was as I thought... but again... I deserved it. "I can only imagine," I said giving her a smile before heading out to my car.
"Are you coming home, Daddy?" my daughter asked as I set her down next to the car so I could fish in my pocket for the keys.
"We're going somewhere different." We'd tried to explain to her I didn't live at the house anymore, but it was too hard to reason with her sometimes.
I placed Jack in his seat, silently thanking my parents for making sure I had the seats and that they were properly installed. I struggled a little with the belt. I'd never placed him in one of these while he'd been sleeping. I didn't want him to wake up, I knew how his naps went. There was usually a lot of crying, like he was disappointed when his eyes opened. We'd always wondered what he dreamt about that was so good he'd want to keep sleeping.
Once the kids were safely buckled up, I patiently took my turn in the car line-up to get out of the school parking lot. I was still getting strange looks and all I could do was smile and nod. But it was odd how normal everything felt. How normal I felt.
I didn't take them to McDonald's. I took them home to my place, and I was going to make them dinner too. I didn't know how long I had with them, but I wasn't about to waste a second of it, and Jack desperately needed a bath.
"Well, what do you think?" I asked my daughter while I opened the door to their bedroom. Jack had woken up in the car, and a few screams later he'd quieted down enough to find the time to seem excited to see me.
He was still sucking his thumb while I held him in my arms. He had some dried up tears on his face, which only reminded me that I needed to get him cleaned up.
"Is this mine?" She jumped up on her pink bed and grabbed at the few dolls my mother had left for her.
"It sure is. Do you think you could find something to do in here while I get your brother cleaned up?"
"I want a bath too!" she yelled jumping on her bed.
I couldn't really deny her anything so I agreed. I ran the bath water and went to the kid's closet to pick out some clothes. It would have been logical to put them in their pajamas but it was still very early... they hadn't even eaten yet. My phone buzzed in my pocket, interrupting me from my dilemma.
"Hi," I answered.
"Where are you?"
"We're at my place."
"I thought I said just to take them somewhere and not to take them back there."
"Please, don't talk to me like I'm an idiot. They're fine. I'm fine... we're all fine. I'm just about to give them a bath. Jack had an accident at the school."
There was a long pause on the other end.
"Okay."
I was surprised to hear that come out of her mouth. She must really be in a predicament.
"I'm going to be later than I thought. Can you feed them?"
"I had every intention of doing so."
"Okay, I guess one night isn't going to kill them... right?"
I laughed. "I am capable. You'll see... I'm really trying here."
There was another long pause.
"Thank you." The phone disconnected.
I looked at Jack in my arms, nestled against my chest and back to my daughter still jumping on her bed.
"Pajamas it is!" I said and she cheered.
The bath and dinner went off without a hitch. It was getting close to the kid's bedtime and I figured I should probably get their teeth brushed and ready for bed. She was eyeing up all the new books on her bookshelf while I changed Jack's diaper.
"You want me to read one before bedtime?"
She bit her lip and slowly pulled one from the shelf.
"Where's mommy?" she asked. "Am I sleeping here?"
"I'm not sure, squirt. She's running a little late, but she's coming." My phone buzzed again.
"Hi, sorry," she said on the other line.
"It's okay."
"I'm still running behind. I'm going to be another hour."
I glanced around the room, and back to my daughter who was watching me. "They can stay here," I said quietly. "Then you don't have to worry about it. They're really okay. I was just about to read them a story."
More silence on the other end as she mulled it over. I could only imagine what was going on in her head. She was probably having visions that the children were sleeping in cardboard boxes while rats and cockroaches ran rampant in my apartment. "Listen, how about I put them to bed and when you're finished you swing by and see for yourself. If you want to take them home, you can. At least you won't have to be pressed for time."
"Okay," she said. I was about to disconnect when I heard her voice at the last second. "Edward?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
"I'm their father." It was my turn to disconnect on her.
