~*Chapter Twelve*~


The next few weeks were challenging but satisfying. I had the kids on the odd days they weren't in daycare, and I picked them up the days they were. I found out I was pretty good at being their primary caretaker. I had missed so much of their lives while I'd been working, it was gratifying to have this opportunity to catch up. The arrangement was working out nicely, and I could see the strain in my relationship with my wife was starting to ease up. We'd become friends again.

"How are things?" she asked while we sat in my kitchen over coffee. She glanced down to my hand and the missing ring on my finger. I tried to hide it, but just drew more attention to it. I'd taken it off the morning after the wedding. It was a lie to be wearing it, and I figured it was the first step I needed to take to stop lying to myself.

"Sorry," I said.

"Don't be. I was wondering when you were going to take it off. It's been almost a year, Edward."

"I'm just having a hard time still."

"I have something to confess," she said and sipped her coffee. The kids were sound asleep in their bedroom having their afternoon nap. She glanced to the room and then back to me. "I'm seeing someone." It was straight forward and to the point. But then, that's how she was. She never held anything back, and even though there was an edge to her voice I knew it was hard for her to tell me this and it was hard for me to hear. The news went straight to my gut, and I had a hard time swallowing my coffee.

"I've been seeing him for a few weeks now," she added. "And I just thought you should know before it starts to get serious."

"Could it be serious?" I managed to ask. "I mean... do you have those kinds of feelings for him?"

"He's asked me to go away with him this weekend."

"Oh! So... that kind of serious."

"I don't know. I like him and he's really good to me. I think it could go somewhere. It didn't feel right not telling you." Another shot straight to the gut. She was being honest with me, and I'd been anything but with her.

"Are you going to go?"

"I wanted to run it past you and ask you what you think," she said.

"I can't make that decision for you," I said. "I shouldn't be—"

"I know that, but I wanted to ask you all the same. I haven't slept with him, if you're wondering." Which I was, even though I didn't have the right to. It had been so long since we'd shared a bed—and not just to sleep in one either—not since before Jack was born. But it still hurt. I couldn't be the man she needed me to be and that was hard to swallow. All this time I thought she was the one pushing me away, but there had to be a reason why she had, and maybe deep down we both knew the reason for our disconnect.

"I guess I've been waiting..." she said, "until I knew for sure." She clenched her hands and paused for a moment. "We're through, aren't we, Edward? There's no going back, is there?"

I thought long and hard before I answered her. I stared at the indent that was left behind from the ring. It had been weeks since I'd removed it, but the indent still held. I wondered when it would completely fade... maybe I really needed to let go for that to happen. I wanted her to be happy, and she could never be happy with me as fucked up as I am.

"Yeah. We can't go back," I said truthfully.

"Would you be upset if I went?"

"Yeah," I said laughing. And it was the truth. It hurt, but I deserved it. "But you should go. I've got no plans this weekend. The kids can stay here. You deserve this. Go, get out of town and have a good time."

We talked some more about her plans for the weekend, and worked out the details with the kids. We were on our second cup of coffee when she took hold of my hand. She smiled, but it fell short of her eyes. "What's going on, Edward?"

"What do you want to know?" I asked trying to deflect the guilt I was feeling.

"I don't know... anything. Tell me what you've been up to. Just don't shut me out."

"There's nothing to tell, really," I lied. "My life's pretty boring."

She sat back in her chair and folded her arms, eyeing me suspiciously. "Okay...What about Leah Clearwater and Kim Connweller's wedding?" she asked. "What were you doing there?"

My stomach dropped again. "How did you know that?" I hadn't even told my parents I was there, so how she'd found out was a mystery to me.

She reached into her bag and pulled out a local, city gossip magazine. It was a small publication that not many people picked up, strictly meant for advertising and such. She flipped it open and smoothed down the crease. Right there, on page twelve was a picture of me and Jared standing side by side in the back garden at the ceremony. Jared was holding Felix's camera in his hand.

'Adam and Adam and Eve and Eve – The New Garden of Eden' was the by-line. The article was fairly short, reporting on the commitment ceremony and focused on how the event was filled with the high-fashioned, beautiful gays of the city in attendance and how it was closed to the media and that was the only picture that had been taken of the event.

I felt sick.

"High-fashioned?" she said. "You?" She was trying to make light of the situation, but I knew she was expecting me to answer some more serious questions.

I was going to throw up.

"Edward," she said, putting her hand on my arm. "Talk to me. Please don't shut me out anymore. Just tell me what's going on."

This was the moment of truth. I could finally come clean and confess or continue living the lie.

"What really happened in Chicago?" she asked, and that was all it took. She saw through the façade.

I told her the truth, well the half-truth any way. I didn't think it was necessary to tell her about the adultery part, because after all, that's what it was and I wanted to spare her from that pain. It wouldn't change anything if she knew that truth or not. I told her that Jasper and I confessed our attraction to each other and how we both reacted after we'd given it some thought. I stretched the truth a little and told her Jasper had confessed his attraction to me as a means to get what he wanted. And I also told her how I'd hated myself and how I'd hated him. It all came out in a jumbled mess, but it was out there now.

I think a part of her always knew, which was why she was so bent out of shape at the idea of me heading to Chicago in the first place. She'd always been jealous of Jasper and now I'd just confirmed her suspicions.

I saw the anger in her eyes. I'd seen that look countless times before. The tears started to form and before they fell she excused herself and went to the bathroom. I could hear the water running, although it did nothing to drown out her sobs. I really was a dick, but the truth was out there and even though it was shitty timing, I actually felt a little better that she finally knew. However, the relief was short-lived. The longer she stayed in the bathroom the quicker the anxiety came back. She had the power to take my kids away from me. After the year I'd been through, it was highly unlikely custody would be given to an unemployed depressed father... not to mention the other stuff that would possibly come into factor. Fuck... what was I thinking? My father had suggested the possibility of consulting a lawyer, just to see what my options would be, but I was adamantly against that. Now I was berating myself for not listening to him.

Time ticked away while I waited for her to come out. I'd take a few steps toward the bathroom door, and then I'd take two steps back. I even made it close enough to raise my hand to knock, but dropped it with a defeated sigh. She needed time to digest. Thirty minutes later, I was back to sitting on my stool in the kitchen when I heard the lock turn and the door open. My back was to her and I'd pretty much stopped breathing. I was waiting for her to scream, yell, throw things, and I would let her. Whatever she wanted to do to me, I'd let her.

I heard the tread of her footsteps across the linoleum, but stayed seated, the coward that I was. She placed a hand on my shoulder and I flinched from the unexpected touch. Even when she squeezed my shoulder, digging her nails into my flesh, I didn't move.

"I'm sorry," I said under my breath. It was about the only thing I could say. "The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you and the kids." Her hand let up, and she moved to the side so she could see my face. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her face was pale, but she wasn't angry.

"Do you regret it?" she asked. "Me?"

"Oh, God, no!" I said and reached for her hand. "Despite what you may think, I do love you. I really do, and our kids? Nothing would ever change what they mean to me." I pulled her hand toward me and rested it in my other hand. "I was happy," I said honestly.

"And now?"

"I'm getting there."

"So... you're gay?"

I sat back in my chair, letting her hand go and thought about my answer. "I guess I'm trying to figure things out. I've only had those feelings for Jasper... no one else. So I'm not sure how it works. How I work."

"Then you need to figure it out. For our kid's sake. Get it together, Edward. I know you're trying, but you're not the man I married anymore, or the man I wanted as a father for my children. They need that man, not this indecisive, lost shell of one you've become."

Ouch. This was more like what I'd been expecting from her. Her words were harsh, but something I needed to hear. She was being a lot more understanding than I would have given her credit for. I guess she knew how difficult this was for me and how much it had wrecked me.

"You can't keep yourself locked up in this apartment waiting for someone who's never going to come around. Believe me... I should know! I waited for you for a year, and now it looks like you've been doing the same. It's a false hope. It's time to let him go."

"So you're saying you've let me go?"

"I had to." She sat down on the stool opposite me, and demanded I look at her. "Figure it out." The anger had returned, but she kept it in check.

"You're... surprisingly okay with all of this."

"Despite what you may think... I love you. You're a good man, Edward. I lost sight of that for a while. But I know why I married you and I still want to be proud to have you as the father of my children." My mouth must have dropped open for she added, "I'm not a monster! Don't look so surprised. It's been awhile, but I'm finally happy too." She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms.

When I breathed it was lighter somehow. A heavy burden had been lifted. We were talking as friends. I'd told the truth and it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. I'd imagined all kinds of scenarios... screaming, crying, cursing, objects flying. I'd imagined it all except for this. I guess both of us had grown up.

"Daddy!" we heard from the bedroom and went to investigate. The room was a disaster. My daughter had managed to pull everything from the shelves and scatter it all around the room. We must have been too wrapped up in our conversation to hear the kids had woken up and were slowly destroying the room.

"What did you do?" my wife asked with a horrified look.

"It's fine," I said. "I need something to do tonight."

"You need to get a life." She patted me on the chest and picked up Jack out of his crib. "I should get them home," she said trying to soothe him. She turned to me and hitched him on her hip. She reached out and touched my cheek. "Thank you," she said. "For being honest. I can't imagine it was easy for you. And I want you to know I'm on your side. I want you in their lives and in mine. We can get through this." She leaned forward and kissed me and for a moment I thought about holding her in my arms and never letting her go. This was the woman I married, but she was right. I was no longer the man she married.

"You know, I've got this photo shoot session with Leah," I said smiling.

"With Leah Clearwater?" Her eyes bugged out. "How?"

"I helped her out at the wedding, and she asked me to bring the kids around for a session."

"Holy shit!" she said, and covered her mouth from the curse word she accidentally let fly. "That's amazing!"

"Do you want to come?"

"Yes!" She was genuinely excited I'd asked her. "Yes, I'd love to."

"All right. I'll call and set something up."

~*.*~

The sun was shining and it matched my mood. I'd woken up with a spring in my step and decided to go for a run. It was just what I needed to start my day. It wasn't often I woke up feeling this way, and I knew it had everything to do with our talk yesterday. I hadn't realized how much that secret had been weighing me down. I was feeling a little invincible, despite the horror I still felt for having my picture in the paper.

I was on my way to meet Alec for breakfast. I hadn't seen him much these past few weeks and I was looking forward to seeing him again.

"Well don't you look different," he said when I sat down at the table. He rested his chin on his hand, eyeing me up. "Did you get laid?" he teased.

"What?" I sort of screeched. "NO!"

"Well something's changed, Honey." He beamed. "You look great."

"I feel great."

"Tell me everything."

We talked through breakfast and once I was finished, he sat back looking pleased with himself.

"What?" I asked.

"That went better than you expected. Better than I expected," he said.

"What's that supposed to mean? What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything. But I might have had a few talks with your mom... who may or may not have had a few talks with—"

"I can't believe you! I swear. Fuck, I really should hit you one of these days. What part of 'stay the fuck out of my life' did you not understand?" I was leaning forward and my jaw was set.

"Oh, relax. You're being over-dramatic. Everything worked out as it should have. Believe me... you needed some help with her. She needed time to digest."

"But what if it hadn't worked out? What if she decided to take the kids away from me? It could have gone horribly wrong! Did you think of that?"

"Of course we did. We looked at all the possibilities and the one we came up with was the best." We glared across the table at one another. "Don't give me that look! It was your mother who suggested it! By the way... now your dad," he waved a finger at me, "now he's my type. If I didn't love your mother so much..."

"Alec!" I said, and shuddered.

"I'm just sayin', I see where you got your looks. It's a shame gay didn't run in the family."

I rolled my eyes. "Stop, please. I'm begging you." I shuddered again at the idea of my father with a man... namely Alec. "When the hell did you see them anyway and why wasn't I invited?"

"They invited me to lunch a week ago." He shrugged, sipping his coffee. "We had things to discuss."

"And these things were how to meddle in my life? And risk the fragile relationship I already had with my wife?"

"She needed a little nudge that's all... and we might have done that," he said. "Gently, I might add."

"Did this nudge involve that publication?"

"What?" He feigned surprise. "Now why ever would you say that?"

"It's not exactly a publication we subscribed to," I said. "She had to get it somehow."

"Fate."

"Mmhmm. You really are a prick."

"I'll take that as a compliment." He smiled. "So... any word from you know who?"

"Nope. But the hang-ups have become a daily ritual. You better not be fucking around with that. I mean it, Alec. Stay the fuck out of that one."

He held up his hands in defense. "He won't even talk to me, so I couldn't even if I wanted to. He's gone off the radar. But for the record... are you sure you aren't over-reacting just a little bit?"

"He made it clear. He had no intention of taking it further. He used me."

"And you didn't use him?"

"What? No! I loved him." People around the café looked up from their coffees. I realized I wasn't exactly speaking in a quiet voice, and leaned forward and whispered, "I was ready to see where it was going to go. I wanted to."

"So you would have left your wife." He looked at me in disbelief.

"I did, didn't I?"

"Noooo. Not by choice, Sweetheart. Look, I'm not defending my nephew. All I am saying is cut him some slack. You don't know his side of the story. I'm trying to be the voice of reason."

"Well, he didn't exactly call to tell me his side, did he? All those months and not a fucking peep."

"But he is now, isn't he?"

"Fuck you, Alec."

"Testy, testy." He shook his head. "Let's look at this another way. Say he's reaching out to you. What if he wants to talk, would you?"

I didn't answer him right away. I took the time to pour the cream into my coffee and stir it more than it needed to be stirred. He waited for me, one eyebrow crooked, but after the fifteenth turn of the spoon he leaned over the table and stopped my hand. "He's not doing as well as everyone thinks he is. I know you don't want to hear it, but he's hurting too and not for the reasons you think."

"I thought you said you haven't talked to him."

"I haven't, but I know my boy. He's not himself."

"Alec," I said sighing, "we can't go back to what we were."

"Absolutely, Honey. I agree." He patted my hand. "But he's reaching out to you now, don't you want to know why?"

"I don't know. I can't help thinking it's too late, you know?"

"Maybe it is. But you ain't exactly moving forward either. You've got part of your life together, but what about the other? You're still lonely, Edward. And that's been going on for years. If what happened was a mistake and not meant to be, then stop waiting. Move on. From what you've told me, you've loved two people in your life... and neither of them were the right one—at least according to you. So go find the right one."

"What about you, Alec? That's a lot of preaching for someone who doesn't follow his own advice."

He looked out the window, and the lines around his eyes softened. "I had my great love, but he died."

I wasn't expecting that to come out of his mouth and I felt like a heel. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. How long ago?"

"S'okay. You wouldn't. It was nine years ago, right around the time I met Jasper." He was lost in thought for a few moments. "I'm a firm believer in love... great loves. They don't happen to everyone. I was one of the lucky ones." There were tears in his eyes when he turned back to me. "You shouldn't stop looking for it."

Jasper had said the same thing to me.

~*.*~

I threw my keys on the side table, noticing the red flashing button on the machine letting me know there were two messages waiting. I pushed play and reached for a beer in the fridge. The beep was followed by a long pause and then a hang up. Typical. I twisted the cap off the beer and took a sip waiting for the next message. Another beep, followed by another pause. My hand hovered over the delete button waiting for the hang up when I heard a voice instead.

"Hi," it said. There was a long pause. "I'm sure you don't want to hear from me. I keep hanging up. I-I... I haven't known what to say." His voice was sad and quiet but quickly turned to frustration. I could imagine him with his hand on his head, his fingers tearing at his hair. "I-I don't know why I'm calling. Fuck! I'm sorry," Jasper said and hung up.

I picked up the phone, trying to remember the number from memory as I dialed. I heard the rings on the other end and it was picked up on the fourth.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Edward."

"Oh, hey! It's good to hear from you, man. What have you been up to?"

"Not much, just trying to get my life back together... you know," I said laughing.

"So the usual, then."

"Yeah, pretty much." I paused and took a deep breath. "Hey, listen... I wanted to know if your offer still stands. You know, beers? A game?"

"Ah, yeah!" Jared said enthusiastically. "Yeah, for sure. I'm up for beers. When's a good time?"

"Umm... how about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow's good. Why don't you meet me at the salon at eight and we'll go from there?"

"Great. See you then." I hung up the phone, and collapsed into a chair. My hands were shaking. I didn't know what had come over me to get that kind of courage, but hearing Jasper's voice had pissed me off. After my talk with Alec, I wanted to be over him. I didn't want the sound of his voice to undo me, and I didn't want my answering machine filled with hang-ups every day because he was too much of a coward to talk to me. I needed to move on, just like my wife had said. I needed to make a decision about my life and take a chance. I wasn't going to figure things out sitting in my apartment, night after night. I owed it to myself and my family to be truthful with whom I might be, and the only way to find out was to get out there and experience life again.

"Fuck you, asshole," I said out loud and took my beer into the living room for another lonely night in front of the television.

~*.*~

Jared took me to a bar around the corner from his salon. I'd never been here, but I got the feeling it wasn't a bar I would normally have visited a year ago. There was a definite vibe to it that seemed to fit his persona rather than mine. There were small tables around the center of the room, and along the walls were booths made to fit more people. The bar and the bartenders seemed to hold most of the patron's attentions. It was packed with people sitting or standing and there was a buzz in the air. We found a booth, and sat down and ordered a pitcher of beer from the server.

There was a hockey game on tonight and I was hoping we'd head to a pub to watch it. It would have been a good conversation breaker, but this place had no televisions at least from what I could see. I looked around the room, hoping to be wrong, but I wasn't.

"No game?" I asked.

He sucked in a breath and apologized. "We can go somewhere else if you want."

"No, it's okay."

"I didn't even think. I'm starved and their food is pretty decent. I come here after work some times. But I think there's a pub down the block that will have the game on."

"No, it's fine, really." I was playing with the beer coaster, a nervous habit, and had started to peel the edge of it.

"You sure?" he asked, glancing down at my hands. I set them flat on the table and saw the sweaty palm print that was left behind. I took a big sip of my beer and then set my hands in my lap, wiping them on my pants.

"Who's your friend, Jared?" A man sat down in the booth pushing Jared over. His arm was resting against the back of the seat and he was staring at me. He was thin with sallow skin, like he had an addiction problem, and his hair was shorn real close to his head.

"Leave it alone, Paul," Jared said, his face a mask of anger.

"What? I'm just curious," he said, leaning forward to get a better look at me. "Are you his new toy?"

"He's just a friend," Jared said.

"Hmm... that's what you said to me on our first date, but you still managed to fuck me senseless that night."

"Paul!" Jared yelled, pushing him out of the seat.

"Fine. All right, I'm going." Paul turned to me and said, "He's a good fuck, but a little too straight-laced if you ask me. If you're looking for something," his eyes roamed down the length of me, "a little more adventurous... Paul's always here to help out." He blew us a kiss and headed back to the bar.

"That's twice now someone has told me they're a better fuck than you," I said, breaking the tension. Jared choked, surprised by my brazen comment and so was I. "Friend of yours?"

"Ah... no. He's what you'd call the resident slut." Jared cleared his throat. "When you're young, it's hard to navigate your way. Sometimes you get led astray and Paul was that for me—a long time ago. You get curious and you get horny. Being on drugs doesn't help that either."

My eyes widened, having lost all my earlier confidence. Again, I was out of my element here.

"It comes with the territory, Edward," he said. "Everyone's more or less tried it. You go through a phase. It makes things easier sometimes. But then you wake up that one morning not knowing where you are or who you're with and you kind of snap out of it. Well at least I did, with the help of Alec. Others like Paul never will, at least not until they're dead or worse... sick."

I knew what sick implied.

"We can go somewhere else if you want," he said. "I didn't even think when I thought of this place."

"No, it's really fine. I'm okay if you're okay. Besides, I doubt it can get any more uncomfortable than it already has."

"True..."

We ordered some food and he was right, it was pretty decent. The conversation was a lot easier after all the shit was out of the way and the beer helped. I relaxed enough to take my leather jacket off, and to sit back in the booth. Jared was an interesting guy.

"So what happened to the football gig?" I asked.

"You know... the usual. Scholarship, promise of a future and then one bad tackle and I blew my knee out. And that was it. Never played again." He looked at the bar, and I knew he was thinking of something beyond this table. He lifted his beer glass looking in the bottom of it. "It was a bad time for me and my family. I was going through a lot of shit, not just the knee, but everything else. I'd been keeping my secret for so long. I had a girlfriend in college, but I was playing both sides. When I got hurt, she left and I went into a tailspin. Drugs, alcohol, random sex with strangers... the clubs, the bath houses... you name it I tried it. I think that's what caused the rift with my family, not that I was gay, but that I was destroying myself in the process. You see Paul over there?" He pointed to the bar. "That was me about ten years ago, but worse. I was lucky Alec found me when he did. He straightened me out... pardon the pun. He put me in rehab and gave me a career and I've never looked back." He drank the last of his beer. "It's not an easy road, Edward. I've been spit on, beaten up, people have turned their backs on me, and I can't count the number of insults I've heard. But you've got some great people on your side."

I finished off my beer, placing my empty glass next to his. I'd pretty much destroyed the drink coaster with my fidgeting while I listened to his story. It was hard to imagine him worse off than that Paul fellow up at the bar. Jared was around the same age as me and yet he'd lived a whole lifetime in the same amount of years. I'd been lucky, that was all I could think. Things had been easy for me, compared to him. My parents would love me unconditionally, whatever I decided, and so far my wife had been surprisingly supportive. I wasn't naïve to think everyone would be as agreeable as they had been, but as long as the most important people in my life were on my side, that was all that would matter.

"I'm not telling you this to shock you, or to make you feel sorry for me," Jared said. "The past is the past. It's not who I am now. I moved on to much better times and, eventually, you will too."

"I've been hearing that a lot lately."

"It's good advice," he said and smiled. "Are you up for another drink, or shall we head out?"

I glanced at my watch, it wasn't too late, we'd been talking for about two hours, and the thought of going back to my empty apartment, alone, wasn't exactly appealing so I told him I could use another drink if he could. We ordered two more beers and another drink coaster for me.

"Oh, I meant to ask," he said. "Did you ever call Leah for that session?"

"I did, today in fact. I have something set up next week. My wife...er... ex-wife, well I guess she isn't my ex-wife because we aren't divorced—we haven't even filed for divorce yet— but we don't live together or anything—she has the kids at our house—or I guess her house now—"

He started to laugh, his eyes wide with humor.

"Sorry. It's all so new. Anyway..." I said taking a deep breath to stop myself from rambling any further, "... she's agreed to come along. She's excited to meet Leah."

We stayed at the bar until midnight, finally calling it a night. The goodbye was somewhat awkward, like how it was at the wedding, a simple handshake and a promise to do it again soon. I jumped in the first cab and was off before I could even process things. I had actually enjoyed myself tonight, and if anything, I found a new friend in Jared.

I got home to my apartment. I'd left the hall light on for a change, something I never did, but it was almost comforting when I opened the door to the empty place. All of my life I'd never really been this alone. In College, our dorm and our apartment was a revolving door. It was very rare to find a moment's peace, and even when I first moved back out here, it wasn't long before I met my wife and we were living together. I welcomed the space I had now, but hated it all the same.

I saw the red blinking light and thought about Alec's words. He was trying to reach out to me, I just didn't know why. I pushed the button on the answering machine wondering if he'd have the balls to say something again. He didn't... another hang-up.