~*Chapter Thirteen*~


"Come on, kids," I said. "Get your things, we've gotta go." I was packing some snacks and juice into a bag for later, I wasn't sure how long Leah was going to have us at her studio, and I doubted she would have anything kid friendly to eat.

"Do I look pretty, Daddy?" My daughter twirled with a tiara on her head. We'd dressed her in a simple white T-shirt, and blue jeans just as Leah had suggested, but the tiara was her idea. Her hair was down, freshly washed with her long curls looking a little scraggly. Leah had said the more natural the better, so that's what we'd done. Jack was in a white, short-sleeved shirt and jeans as well. It was hard to hide the diaper sticking out from the waistband, but it would have to do.

"Like a princess." I grabbed her hand and picked up Jack, before heading for the door. There was a soft knock just as I was about to open it. I said we'd meet her there, I thought quickly before opening the door.

I stepped back, bumping into the wall. "Oh!" Shock was the only thing registering in my mind, everything else around me forgotten.

I felt my daughter's hand tugging on my arm, snapping me back. "Who's that, Daddy?"

"Ah... that's... that's an old friend," I managed to say despite the lightheadedness I was feeling.

"Hi," he said with a sad smile. My phone started ringing and what felt like chaos erupted all around me.

"Squirt, can you take Jack back to your room? I'll come get you in a second." I set Jack down and she half carried him, half dragged him to their room. I held up a finger to the stranger—for that's what he felt like—and answered my phone.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi," my wife said on the other line. "Something's come up at work and it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to make it. I'm so sorry, Edward. I really wanted to be there for this. Are you upset?"

"N-no," I stammered, still flustered, trying to keep myself together. "No, no. It's fine. It's okay." My heart was hammering in my chest. I knew my voice sounded tight and she would think I was upset with her. I tried to think what else I could say to reassure her. "I'll get some good pictures. It would've been nice to get a family shot, but I don't even know if she's going to want us in the pictures anyway."

"I'm sorry. You know I wanted to be there."

"It's really okay. But I gotta go, we're running late." I said it a little more abruptly than I should have, and then added, "I'll tell you all about it tonight."

"Tell them I love them. Thank you for being so understanding, Edward," she said before hanging up. I was a little disappointed she wasn't going to come. It was odd how the shoe was on the other foot now. It had always been me who cancelled things on her, or couldn't make it to appointments because of work. The truth was, I was sort of terrified to go by myself, but those feelings vanished when I remembered the visitor at the door.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I snapped. I didn't have time to freak out or have a break down or punch the sheepish look off his face. Not with my kids in the next room. I was stronger than I thought I was. I'd come a long way I realized.

"Sorry," Jasper mumbled. "I see this is a bad time."

"Yeah, it's a fucking bad time. I can't deal with this right now," I said lifting up the kid's backpacks that were still in my hand. "I've got somewhere to be."

"Sorry," he said again. He looked all wrong standing in my apartment doorway. It didn't seem real. My attention was flipping to him to the kid's bedroom to my watch.

"Look... I'm taking the kids to get their picture taken. Can you come back later or whatever, or you can come, but I don't have time. I have to leave now," I said it all in a rush not really thinking things through, trying to mentally tabulate everything that I needed to bring. I was frazzled. Understatement of the year.

"Um...sorry." I was beginning to think that's all he could say, but then he said, "Can I help?"

"What?" My head whipped around to look at him.

"I'll help. If that's okay. I'll come."

I definitely had not expected that answer to come out of his mouth. As much as my heart was telling me I wanted him to stay, my head was yelling, 'Fuck you!' to him. But if I asked him to leave, I was afraid he'd never come back.

"Ah... okay, yeah that's fine." I shoved the bags into his hands and went to the bedroom and picked up the kids. I had them each under one arm as I headed out the door. They were both giggling and squealing from the way I'd picked them up. Father of the year, here, I thought as I carried each of them like a football to the car. What the hell would the day have in store for us?

Leah's studio was just as I imagined it, industrial looking with concrete and pillars and buzz of activity. There were people every where... all shapes and sizes and color. My kids were the only beings under five feet though and they caused quite the commotion... or I should say lack of commotion. We stood near the door, both kids in my arms and everyone turned to stop and stare. The buzz in the room faded and the silence was deafening.

"Hi," I said to the crowd. Everyone promptly turned their backs on us and continued on with their work. I was beginning to think this was a huge mistake. Why couldn't my wife be here with me?

"Who were you supposed to meet?" Jasper asked from behind me. His voice was calm and it surprisingly soothed me.

"Ah... a blonde by the name of Heidi," I said. Jasper walked over to the throng of people. He was still holding the Dora the Explorer and Thomas the Train backpacks I'd packed for the kids and he held them firmly on his shoulder like they belonged there.

"We're looking for Heidi," he said. No one answered him. They didn't even give him a second look. "'Scuse me," he said a little louder, "Heidi, we're looking for Heidi." He pronounced each word for them. A young man finally looked up from his Blackberry and waved to the back of the studio. "Thank you," Jasper said turning to me and nodding his head in the direction the man had pointed.

I followed him to the back where we were to find Heidi, and sure enough, we found her there talking on her phone. She recognized me and waved me over. The kids were very quiet in my arms, probably as shocked and scared as I was. I set them down and Jasper grabbed hold of their hands while I went to meet with Heidi.

"Well, hello, Edward," she said, smiling with a sneer. "You look even better than I remember." She eyed me head to toe and leaned to the side to look at Jasper and the kids. "I wonder if Jared's going to be as disappointed as I am to see you have a boyfriend." She smiled again and licked her lips as she checked him out. "Leah's just finishing up with some clients and she'll be with you shortly." She looked down at my kids and then back up to me. "I have to say, I despise children, but your two might be the exception." She walked over to my daughter in her three inch heels and bent down so she was eye level with her. "Hi, Sweetheart, what's your name?"

My daughter hugged Jasper's leg, playing the shy little girl she usually did with strangers, deciding Jasper was much less scarier than Heidi. "Squirt," she mumbled and I couldn't help but chuckle. She preferred that name to her given one.

"Squirt?" Heidi said laughing. "What kind of name is that? That's a pretty tiara you have on, how about I take you to see what else we can find for you?"

My daughter bit her lip and looked up at me, waiting for my approval. "Do you want to go, Sara?" I asked, clarifying the name dilemma. She nodded and left the comforts of Jasper's leg and grabbed Heidi's manicured hand.

Heidi mouthed, "She's gorgeous," to me and the two were off, with Heidi's heels clicking against the concrete.

"She's a treat," Jasper said, picking up Jack.

"You have no idea."

"Oh, yeah? A story there?" he asked.

For a second, we were as we'd always been, friends, joking and being smart asses. I told him about my first encounter with Heidi, and it was natural, like we didn't skip a beat. Even with our entrance, and Jasper taking control, it was as it had always been. I wanted to let go, but the reality of everything came back the minute I saw Kim come around the corner.

"Edward!" she said. "It's so nice to see you again. When Leah told me you were coming in today with your kids I had to stop by." I kissed her cheek in greeting and she looked over to Jasper and to my son. "Is this your little one?" she asked.

"He's playing a little shy," I said. She was looking from me to Jasper and was waiting for an introduction. "Um... Kim, this is my friend Jasper. Jasper, Kim."

Kim gave me a questioning look. "As in Alec's nephew, Jasper?"

"Ah, yeah?" Jasper said, somewhat surprised she'd heard his name before. He held out his hand and looked at me from the corner of his eye.

I wasn't sure how much Kim knew about our history, but she was gracious and accepted his hand and plastered a smile on her face.

"Can I hold him?" she asked, reaching for Jack. "We never get children here." Jasper handed him over and she walked off with my son, ogling over him.

"You know these people through Alec?" Jasper asked, his tone a little haughty.

"I do, yeah," I said, matching his tone. "Alec's been here for me." Our easy banter from earlier was gone, my defenses were back.

"I didn't know."

"Why are you here?" I asked. It was the wrong place to get into it, but I couldn't stop myself. We were squared off, facing each other, everyone else in the place was forgotten.

"I was hoping we could talk."

"Talk." I scoffed. "So it's been ten months and you want to talk now. What a convenient time for you," I said full of bitterness.

"I should've tried to—"

"Save it." We had started to garner some attention; a few heads had turned to look at us. "I don't want to get into it here. It's not the place." I walked away from him and went to find Heidi and my kids.

Leah eventually found us, and really just let the kids do their thing. She took some staged shots, but for the most part everything was candid. It became quite the production. Some of the people in the studio had come to help out, trying to entertain the kids and the afternoon flew by.

"Edward," Leah said, throwing a plain white T-shirt at me, "put this on and take your shoes and socks off."

"Leah, I don't need my picture taken. It's okay."

"I know you don't need it. Just do what I say." She was changing up her lens and wasn't even looking at me. I did what she said, the shirt was a little tighter than I would have liked, but I didn't dare argue with her. I waited, standing uncomfortably off to the side. "Over there. Sit," she said, pointing, still not looking up. She directed me to a large white ceramic box where some lights had been setup around it. "Kids! Go sit with Daddy on the box." They were as afraid of her as I was, and did exactly what she said. We were all in white T-shirts, jeans and bare feet. Kim sat my son on my lap and my daughter jumped up beside me. "Don't look at the camera. Just talk to them, Edward." Leah finally looked up, hitching the camera up to her eye. She played around with the lens and the lighting, ordering her assistants to fix things while she walked around us. I was kind of shell-shocked. It was awkward sitting there with everyone just staring at us.

"Edward, lighten up. Relax. You look like you're going to be sick," Leah said. And I did feel like I was going to be sick. I didn't like being the center of attention.

I stumbled through a half-assed story, and the kids started to fidget. They didn't want to sit on my lap any more than I wanted to sit on this box. From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper move closer. He bent down, his hands on his knees and started talking to us. He'd laid on his thick Southern Drawl, which seemed to fascinate the kids, I even found myself smiling at him. He talked about nothing, silly stories with lots of animation and before we knew it, Leah was telling us she got what she needed. This was the Jasper I remembered, the one I knew from school. The one I'd grown to love. He could calm any situation, and I longed for our friendship... I longed for him.

We packed up and were walking to the door when Leah called out to me.

"Edward, you got a second?" She was texting on her Blackberry and stopped once Jasper and Kim had walked out the door with the kids. "Does Alec know he's here?"

"I don't know. He just showed up on my doorstep as we were leaving to come here."

She scrutinized me for a few seconds. "Are you okay?"

"Not really, but I can't exactly break down, can I?"

"You did good today," she said, patting my arm. "Want me to call Alec?"

I figured Leah had already called and spoken to Alec the minute I showed up with Jasper in tow. I gave her a look indicating that I saw past her charade.

"Fine," she sighed, "he says you're to call him. I should have the proofs sometime next week. I'll have them sent to your place. We got some good shots."

"I don't know what else to say, other than thank you, Leah."

She turned and walked away. She yelled back, "Be strong, Edward!"

~*.*~

We arrived back to the apartment just before dinner. It had been a busy afternoon and about as far removed from the personal stuff between us as it could be. There was no time to talk at the studio, and I tried to avoid him for the most part. I still hadn't processed what it meant for Jasper to be here, more than likely he was here to convince me to reconsider his offer. I saw him watching me all afternoon, like he was analyzing the way I was with my kids. Alec had said they still hadn't found a suitable donor, but fuck him.

Despite my aggravation, I offered him a beer while I cooked dinner for the kids. The nightly routine with the kids wouldn't be sacrificed and I wasn't going to get into anything with Jasper while they were here. If anything, I wanted him to see my new life. It was because of him my life changed, he should see what it was all about now.

A sharp cry from the living room followed by some screams interrupted our awkward idle chat.

"Can you watch this a second?" I pointed to the stove and headed for the living room. "What's going on in here?"

The kids were tired, they'd missed their naps and the day was long. It didn't help that I was on edge the whole time. I'm sure they could feel my tension and it wasn't helping their moods. When they were tired, they fought... typical kids. The problem was, I wasn't in the mood to deal with it and I definitely didn't have the patience for it. I grabbed Jack, trying to soothe his cries and popped a movie into the DVD player for the instigator. Dinner would be ready soon and then they'd be out of my hair for the night. I was pissed off that I was pissed off. This was the first time I'd had my patience tested with them. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted everyone gone, including Jasper.

I grabbed the spoon from Jasper, turning my back to him and continued to stir the noodles. I had Jack resting against my hip and he was still crying.

"Here," he said, taking my son, "I got him." He sat him on his lap and was staring at him. Jack stopped crying. He just stared right back at him, like the two of them were sizing each other up. Jasper smiled and my son laughed grabbing hold of his hair. It pissed me off even more. There was no rational reason for it, but nothing was rational when it came to Jasper anymore.

I gritted my teeth, and finished up preparing their dinner.

"Sara, dinner!" I sat Jack in his high-chair and dished out their meals. It was anything but gourmet, and I never served them this kind of meal, but it would have to do.

"Do you want some?" I asked.

"No, I'm good. Thanks." He turned his nose up at the macaroni and cheese and took a sip of his beer instead.

I sighed and turned toward the living room where my daughter was still glued to the TV. My patience was gone. "Sara Lee! Dinner. Now."

Jasper choked on his beer, coughing up a lung full that went down the wrong tube.

"You all right?"

He kept coughing and patted his chest. His eyes were watery. "Yeah," he said gasping. He looked down at the counter and his face was red, but it wasn't from the choking.

"What?" I asked, even more irritated now.

"Lee?" he said referring to her middle name. "You named your kid Sara Lee? As in the dessert?" He was having a hard time containing himself and I wanted to punch the grin off of his face.

"No." I felt my temperature rising and tried to keep it in check. This was the same argument I had with everyone and it still annoyed me after all these years. When my wife and I discussed names, we agreed she could pick the first name and I could pick the second name. That was our deal... that's how it worked. She wanted Sara, and I wanted Lee. We had a good fight over that one, but I didn't budge and neither did she. For me... it meant something else to me.

"I thought you knew," I said, looking down at my feet, taking a deep breath. "I mean... when she was born... I thought you knew."

"No, I think I would've remembered that one," he said still laughing, unaware of the real reason behind the name.

"Hey, asshole. That's not why I picked that name," I said and slammed the pot in the sink. I scared Jack and I could see his bottom lip start to tremble. A few more seconds and he'd be screaming. I gripped the counter, with my shoulders hunched over in anger and waited for it. But it never came.

Jasper had taken hold of his hands, and was shushing him and soothing him of his worries. When he finally settled, Jasper looked up at me. He was humbled, I'd definitely put him in his place. He'd put two and two together and softly said, "I never knew." He paused. "You never told me."

I suppose I hadn't told him my daughter was named after him. I just assumed when he saw the birth announcement he would guess. Maybe my wife never sent him one. I remember calling him and telling him the day she was born, but maybe I hadn't told him we'd used his middle name. If this was a year ago, I would've been laughing along with him at how stupid and stubborn I'd been over the whole idea of naming my kid after a frozen dessert, knowing the lifetime of ridicule she'd have to endure. But now, I was just hurt. We eyed each other across the table, both of our faces flushed. Sara finally came into the kitchen waiting for me to put her in her seat. She was looking from me to Jasper and I wondered if she could feel the tension between us. I cleared my throat and we broke our gaze when Jasper went to pick Sara up and put her in her seat.

"As much as I'm honored by the namesake," Jasper pretended to bow to my daughter and she giggled at his actions, "you have to admit... it's sorta funny."

"Shut up."

"Daddy, you're not supposed to say that."

"I know, Squirt, but Mr. Whitlock's not being very nice." I wanted to add some more colorful words but I refrained knowing I'd only get myself into more trouble.

Dinner was painful but quick and the kids were still whining. I got them cleaned up and packed up their things to take them home.

"I have to drop the kids off," I said. I didn't want him to come with me this time. Having to explain what he was doing here to my wife was something I didn't want to do. "Ah... do you..."

"I've got some calls to make, anyway. I'll head out."

It figured the fucker would be leaving now when we were going to be alone. I should've known the asshole would run out. "You can make them here," I said with an edge to my voice. "I won't be long." I didn't exactly want him in my apartment, but I didn't want to see him leave, either. Not before we'd had a chance to talk. What was supposed to be a good day had turned soul real quick. I might as well round it off with a conversation I didn't want to have and definitely wasn't ready for.

It didn't take me long. Traffic was light and I turned down the invite for the regular coffee talk. My wife wanted to hear about the day, but I made an excuse about the long day, and things to do so I asked her for a raincheck.

I was standing outside my door wondering if he would actually be there. The lights were still on, but that didn't mean anything. It wouldn't have surprised me at all if he'd left. I think I almost wished he had. I wasn't under any illusions that he was here for me. He wanted something, but it wasn't me. I'd spent the day with him, but it almost felt like I hadn't. We were distant with only a few glimpses of our old selves appearing at times.

He was sitting in my living room and I had to admit, for a split second, having someone to come home to felt pretty damn good. "Hey," I said as I threw the keys on the side table.

"Hey."

I went to the fridge and grabbed a beer, my first one of the day. "Want one?"

"No, I'm good."

I twisted the cap off and threw it in the sink and walked back to the living room, sitting opposite him on the chair. He had put some music on, and even though the volume was low it seemed to echo around the room, pounding in my ears... or maybe that was my heart.

"That was good today," he said. "Thanks for letting me come." I just nodded and took another sip of my beer. "You're great with them." And then there it was... the elephant in the room. I was trying to size him up before I said anything. I wanted to see if he was going to tell me why he was here without me asking again.

He stood up and went to the corner of the room where my guitar sat. He picked it up and asked me if I still played. Again, I nodded. He sat back down and started tuning my guitar. It was something I always hated—anyone messing with it—and he fucking knew that.

"Guitar? You're going to play the fucking guitar?" I scoffed and went to the kitchen. I was hungry now, and if he wasn't going to talk to me, then I was going to make myself something to eat. I pulled out a bunch of stuff to make a sandwich and started putting it all together. After the time it took for me to eat my dinner, he finally came into the kitchen.

"Why the fuck are you here?" I said. My back was to him so I couldn't see his face. "I mean, ten fucking months and not a fucking peep and then you show up on my doorstep without any warning. You can't do that." I turned around on the stool, and grabbed my plate to take it to the sink. I never offered him anything to eat. I imagined he was as starved as I had been, but I didn't care. I rinsed off the plate, still waiting for him to answer.

"I don't know," he finally said. "I just got in my car and started driving."

I knew what that was like, but didn't say as much.

"I wanted to see you. I want to apologize for—"

"I don't want your fucking apology and I don't want your pity. I'm starting to get my life together and I don't need you here to fuck it all up again. Did you come to ask me properly this time? I know you're still trying to have kids. I'll save you the trouble. The answer is no, and it will always be fucking 'no.'"

"Edward," he said looking down at his boots and then back up at me. "I really am sorry. It wasn't supposed to happen that way."

"Funny. You asked me to be honest with you that night. You fucking hypocrite, 'cause you were anything but with me."

"I know," he said. "I never should've let it go that far. I got caught up in it all and I wasn't thinking straight."

"Wow... you've got some nerve," I said. "Did you and your wife have a good laugh over it all afterward? Or was she pissed you screwed up her chances to have a baby?"

"It wasn't like that. It wasn't supposed to happen that way. Yes, we wanted to ask you to be a donor. That was the plan, but when I saw you again after all those years, I don't know... I was... confused."

"Fuck you, asshole." I shook my head. "You wanted it just as much as I did. You were anything but confused that night," I said with bitterness.

"I can't live that lifestyle, Edward. I can't."

"And what lifestyle is that?" I asked. I was being a total prick about everything, but I couldn't help it.

"You know what I mean," he said. "You can call me a coward or whatever you want, but I don't see how it would've worked. How it would work. We're not back in College anymore. I've got responsibilities."

"And I didn't? Fuck you." I was shaking my head as I looked at him in disbelief. "Why? That's all I want to know. I keep thinking about that night over and over again, and I just don't get it. Why? Why'd you go through with it then? You made me feel something. You made me want it. If you knew you couldn't... it was... it was just fucking cruel."

"I don't know!" He was clearly agitated as he shuffled his feet, putting his hands in his pocket. "I just thought... having that one night would be enough. That we'd get it out of our systems and we'd go back to our lives. We'd always have that night, but then that was it."

"But the next morning..."

"I never promised you anything, Edward."

"Ouch. Fuck, Jasper. I thought when you sucked my cock that was promise enough."

"Don't," he said, his jaw set like stone.

The phone rang and we stopped and we stared at each other across the counter. I didn't move to pick it up, figuring the machine would pick it up, which it did by the fourth ring.

"Hey, Edward," Jared's voice rang through the speaker. My stomach dropped as he continued. "I realized I don't have your cell phone number, this is the only number I have. I just wanted to say that I had a great time the other night. I hope you did too despite the shit at the beginning. Anyway... You're going to think this is a setup but it's really not." He laughed and it rang out through the speaker. "A friend of mine's a chef. He's bringing me some fresh lobsters from Maine this week. He knows my weak spot. Well... the game's going to be on, and I was wondering if you wanted to come over for... ah... dinner and watch the game. I'm a pretty good cook and it's no pressure or anything. I'll just have a lot of food and need someone to share it, plus this time we can watch the game. All right, let me know." He paused. "Hope to hear from you." The speaker cut off when he hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" Jasper asked.

"A friend."

"Yeah, a friend. What... is that like a date? Did you go on a date with him?"

"It wasn't like that."

"Then what was it like?"

"What the fuck, Jasper? What do you want me to say? Why do you even care?"

He didn't answer me, but I recognized the set in his shoulders and knew he was trying to process everything.

His eyes were angry, but he still looked the same, just like that night, and my heart still felt the same... just like that night. Every nerve in body was on fire. If I'd had any question about whether I was gay or not, having him here this close to me gave me a pretty good idea the answer to that. I still wanted everything about him. The way his jaw was clenched and how his hands were gripping the counter and those lips, those fucking lips again, but this time I remembered exactly what they felt like.

"We went for drinks," I said, "it was nothing."

He lowered his head and took a breath before asking, "Are you going to dinner?"

"Fuck, I don't know," I said, shifting my body to hide the effect he was having on me. "He's a good guy, we've lots in common, and he's a friend. I don't have many of those right now."

"And he's gay." His head came up and his expression was hard. "I'm just trying to get my head around all this... around you. You've left your wife, you've become friends with Alec who's gay, and now you're dating... a man." He lifted his hands in the air. "It's a lot to take in."

"We're not dating." I could feel the anger start to bubble beneath the surface. He was grilling me about my life. "You don't want this, but you don't want me to have anything else either. Is that it? You're the one who told me to leave my wife! Fuck, Jasper! I don't owe you anything!" My voice had risen to a shouting level. "What do you want from me?"

"I just want my best friend back!" he yelled back at me.

I scoffed and it was my turn to raise my hands. "We fucked that up," I said. "I told you that night we couldn't come back from that. It's done."

"So you're saying we can't be friends."

"No, we can't be fucking friends. When I look at you, all I see is that night. And you fucking me over. You played me... and I fell for it. You just wanted to see what it was all about. You liedto me. You had no intention of being with me... you never did. Did you?" I didn't expect an answer, so I continued. "That's what I thought. I'm still in love with you! I can't be around you and pretend that we're best buds again. It doesn't work like that."

"We haven't even tried."

"You just don't fucking get it," I said, moving to the side of the counter. "We can never go back to what we were. I can never go back! If you were a woman, it'd be no fucking different. I still couldn't be around you knowing you didn't feel the same about me. You know damn well all it'll take is one night. We'll have too much to drink and it'll happen again and I can't handle that."

"It won't happen again. It can't. I won't let it."

"Fuck! You say that now, but... see... I want it to happen. I want to kiss you. I want you to suck my cock again." I knew my words were harsh, but I wanted him to hear them out loud so he could face the bitter truth of it. "I want it all with you. I do." I moved closer to him, we were inches apart. "I want to taste you, Jasper. I even want you to put your cock inside of me." He was shaking his head back and forth. "What? You don't want to hear that?"

"Don't."

"You don't want to hear how I lay awake at night dreaming about your lips on my dick or that I feel your hands on me when I'm in the shower?"

"Stop it."

"Or when I jerk off... it's your face I see. Do you see me?" I grabbed hold of his collar. I was inches from his lips. His warm breath smelled of cigarettes and beer, but it was exactly how I remembered it. "Do you imagine my mouth on you?" I pushed my hips into his so he could feel what he did to me. My cock was hard, straining against my jeans. All he had to do was lean forward and I would open myself up for him again.

We stared into each other's eyes for a few breaths, waiting for the other to make a move and then I watched his eyes cloud over with emotion and his arms came up and he shoved me hard. "Fuck you."

I stayed upright, not losing my footing. I squared my shoulders and with a steady voice said, "No... that's what I want to do to you."

"Fuck you!" he screamed and his fist connected with my face.

I'd been waiting for it. I knew it was coming, I wanted him to hit me, but I went down all the same. I wanted him to hear exactly what I was thinking... I wanted him to feel something. I could hear him breathing heavily, choking back his grief.

"I can't have you in my life," I whispered with my hand at my bloody lip. "I've no idea who the fuck you are anymore and I don't want you in my life." I slowly stood up and lifted my chin. "Get the fuck out."