Chapter 3: You're Supposed to Be My Friend
Author's Note: None of you live inside my head (thank god for that; my head is like a freaking snow globe that never stops shaking) but I like to post a chapter a week, so my almost extra week long delay has been causing me all kinds of inner turmoil. And then last night, while I was finishing up the chapter, it all disappeared. I cried for like half a minute, then realized my memory wasn't that good and tried to rewrite it all. It's not the same, but since you didn't know what it was prior to the computer death, you'll never know which was better (insert evil laugh here).
This title is not dirty. Sorry folks! I did think of an alternate title, but it was a little too blunt for my lovely T rating which I might end up changing if I don't stop talking like Satan's offspring. I do love using the word fuck it appears. Oops, I said it again.
Disclaimer: I own my awesomeness. And I guess I now own E, since I finally gave her a personality, minus the name. I just love not naming people. Feel sorry for my nonexistent kids.
The lunchroom at Chilton was like any other cafeteria at any other high school. Pretty people ate with pretty people (and then went to the bathroom to throw up).
The band geeks huddled in a corner and cried into their tubas.
The freaks did what freaks do. They ate their own hair, picked at each other like monkeys at the zoo and plotted an attack on the Hartford Boy's Club that involved forks and black hair dye.
Ah, the Hartford Boy's Club. How does one begin to describe them?
It consisted of, at this moment, four obscenely charming assholes.
Just a month ago, Tristan DuGrey was a part of this elite group, but an incident with Rory's panties and her subsequent verbal castration of him led to him going into hiding, a la Michael Jackson minus the umbrella and glove.
But more on that later.
You could probably guess the other four douche bags without any help. All but one were devastatingly handsome. All were born with silver spoons in their mouths. All were the object of every girl's affection, except for Paris Gellar but only because she preferred men twice her age.
But can you blame a girl for wanting a man, not a boy?
They supposedly took part in some secret underground club that was rumored to be called The Life and Death Brigade. Rory referred to them more lovingly as the BSB gang.
Don't rush out to buy your front row seats for their world tour just yet. Rory only used those three letters to come up with a name because she liked that it suggested that Brokeback type things went on in the showers between the four after soccer practice (which might be true if you listened to Finn when he was drunk). Also, who didn't giggle at the imagery of those four dancing in the rain with their hands over their hearts?
But when referring to the HBC, those three letters stood for "Ball Sucker Boys."
Now there was a term of endearment for you.
Basically the four went around town taking part in a less graphic, less illegal version of The Clockwork Orange. They wore mask, drank Grey Goose and liked to jump off of things that were vertically much higher than them.
If you wanted to see the effects of weed on the brain, just do a case study on these four.
But their favorite activity, that didn't involve smoking or getting blown, was sitting around the lunch table rating the finest Chilton asses (the boys bathroom wall was quite an informative piece of concrete) and talking about how awesome they were.
Today was no exception. And guess what lovely Chilton lady was the topic of discussion?
Finn liked to use his hands when he spoke. It was annoying, a little gay, and dangerous for low flying birds and midgets.
Watch out Oompa Loompas!
"So then I offer to dirty up her toothbrush a bit, and bloody hell, she looked like her head was going to explode!"
Colin was still a bit distraught that Rory thought he and Finn liked to look at each other in the shower. "She told you to fuck me? Why not yourself? Why me?"
Jess shook his head. He wasn't really taking part in this conversation, still stuck on how flustered Rory Gilmore was. It was a bit mind blowing to know he had that effect on Chilton's princess.
"Colin, you're known as the ambiguously gay duo. Get over it." Only the truth should be bothersome, right? Colin should have nothing to worry about if he didn't fancy Finn's behind.
"But I banged Jennifer Waters just last night," he whined, making a case for his heterosexual ways.
Jess rolled his eyes. Colin was seriously acting like a brilliant retard, if that made any sense. "Everyone has banged Jennifer Waters. Half the girls here have probably done something Girls Gone Wild worthy with Jennifer Waters."
Colin blinked, "You've all banged Jen?"
Finn and Jess smiled, shaking their heads at their stupid friend.
"So we've all fucked each other?"
Jess shook his head. "If you believe the bible and Miss Fairfield."
"This blows."
"Hey, at least Jen is experienced. And she's insane. She does all that weird shit without even having to make a trip to Tiffany's." Jess had made one too many trips to Tiffany's to seal the deal. Colin should consider himself lucky he didn't have to shell out thousands of dollars for Jen to take off her panties.
Finn nodded his head, remembering his brief encounter with Jennifer at Rory's sixteenth birthday party. "She's like that freak from The 40 Year Old Virgin."
Colin chugged his whole can of soda, suddenly feeling like he needed to pass out. And go get a cream for the crabs that were sure to appear. Soon.
Finn swung his hands around, almost slapping Jess in the face.
"Watch the hair!" Jess swatted his hands away. His hair was his temple. He really needed to install a plastic bubble around it.
"No one cares about your hair, pretty boy. But let me finish my story about the lovely Rory."
"I was there."
"But Colin wasn't."
"Colin is lost. He can't handle that we've all fucked each other."
"If I had to fuck a guy, I wouldn't mind it being one of you." The bromance never stopped with Finn.
"Same here. You're an attractive man, Finnegan."
"I admire your ass, Mariano."
"So does Rory," he responded, all wiggly eyebrows.
"Ah yes, the lovely Rory. I don't know how this man does it," he pointed to Jess, "but he knows exactly what buttons to push."
"I tried to pay attention in anatomy."
"Do you and Gilmore have a thing or something?" Colin asked, brought out of his STD fueled trance.
Jess went white, but just for a moment. Play it cool Jess. Play it ice cold. "Me and that frigid bitch? Nah, I just like watching her squirm."
"I think she has a thing for you." Finn had heard about the infamous nose graze from Lorelai's party. Well, actually, now the gossip was that Rory was groping Jess under the table at dinner.
Close enough to the truth, right?
"Who has a thing for Jess?" Logan was always late for lunch. From 11:40-12:00 everyday he was busy getting acquainted with a different cheerleader from the Chilton cheer squad. They were all so eager to please. Peppy you might say.
They sure did make Logan cheer.
All the boys froze. It was the classic deer in headlights look. Or the classic 'I'm about to shit myself' look. Either way, none of these normally chatty fellows had much to say.
"Enjoy your lunch?" Finn asked, trying to get Logan off track.
"It's not much of a lunch for me. I'm starving."
"I bet Miss Pom Poms is full," Jess quipped.
"Have you done Jennifer Waters?" Colin asked, out of nowhere. He was still stuck on that slut?
Logan rolled his eyes at Colin, the tagged virgin of the group, even though Colin had lost his virginity when he was twelve in Amsterdam.
"Everyone's done Jennifer at least once."
"Colin just did Jennifer for the first time," Finn pointed out like it was news worthy of throwing a parade for him.
"How was it? Did she do that thing with her legs?"
"She's so flexible. It's like doing it with a Russian ballerina." Finn liked the girls who could put their legs behind their head. But really, who didn't? Missionary was so 1950s.
"Is Rory that flexible?" Was Jess looking for a duel? Did he want to start a fight with his best friend?
Finn laughed. "It's common knowledge Rory is saving herself."
"For a bigger penis." Colin was actually not comatose when it came to penis talk.
"Seriously Logan, why haven't you tapped that yet? The girl has got to be a freak in the bed. She's borderline insane." Finn tapped anything, even if they were just released from the asylum. The freakier the better was his motto. Let's just hope he got the girl tested before he showed her the goods.
"She's a psycho." Colin, like any other sane person, was a bit afraid of Rory.
"But she's got killer legs, so the hot/crazy scale is kept in balance." The hot/crazy scale was Finn's bible. He consulted it for every pair of legs he was stuck on.
Logan searched his pockets, looking for a reason. "Rory…she's different."
"Aw, you think Rory's special?" Jess said this in that baby talk sort of way that made Logan clench his fist.
In this moment, he really wanted to beat the shit out of his best friend.
"You do any other girl, more than one girl a day sometimes. And yet you haven't gotten Rory to give it up in four years? Something is wrong there."
"Jess, Rory's special," Finn mocked.
"It's not my fault. She's the one who is all about waiting. No one could get her v-card out of her."
Jess smirked. "Is that a challenge?"
"Uh no, that was a statement."
"Is there something wrong with Rory?" Colin wanted something to hold over Rory's head for all the times she had made him cry. Aw Colin, your poor sensitive little bastard.
"Is she a closet lesbian?" Finn was all about the girl on girl action that he didn't have to pay for and he was pretty sure he could install a peep hole in Rory's closet. And wait.
"Did she laugh at your penis?" If she laughed at Logan's, you might not want to get between her knees, Jess.
"Why do you all care?"
Finn slammed his hands on the table, like this was some official mob business. "Because it's your right to be having steady sex. We're just looking out for one of our own. You should at least be getting blowjobs. Tell me you're getting blow jobs."
Logan tossed his head back in a painful laugh. "Rory give a blow job? She might get her Chanel dress dirty."
"And Audrey Hepburn doesn't give blowjobs in Roman Holiday," Jess added, forgetting that he was revealing that he knew a bit more about Rory Gilmore than he should.
Logan cocked an eyebrow at him. "How do you know about Audrey Hepburn?"
"Her and Jess bicker everyday in English. It probably came up during one of their fights."
"You talk to Rory?"
"I wouldn't call it talking. I just piss her off about Hemingway or Austen or E.E Cummings when I want to be inappropriate."
"You read?'
"It's why I'm such a brilliant orator."
"I didn't know you were gunning to be the white Barack Obama."
"The ladies go weak in the knees for a well spoken man."
"Or a man with an accent," Finn added, laying the Australian slur on thick.
"I had sex with you, and you, and you," Colin stated in a trance, pointing to each boy and shaking his head in shame.
"Ignore him; he's having trouble with the concept of what a slut is."
"Maybe you should define it for him since you are the great mind of this group."
"Slut: A person with a healthy sexual appetite who might test positive for a few pesky things."
"Could you use that in a sentence?"
"Logan is a slut."
"You're one to talk."
"I'm not branded by Rory Gilmore, therefore, I'm just an explorer. The Columbus of vaginas." He stopped for a moment, deciding, why not be a slimy little bastard? "I'm surprised Rory puts up with your manwhore ways."
"Is there a roadblock to Rory's vagina?" This was of great concern to Finn because one day, Rory would kill Logan and he would slide in to comfort her. The HBC were some loyal friends. Never leave a man's woman a virgin.
"Does her mom have the key to her chastity belt?" No Jess, Emily did and she certainly wasn't going to give it to you.
"Do we need to pull a Mission Impossible and get it for you?" Finn in all black. Yum.
"Rory isn't like all the other girls at this school."
Jess rolled his eyes. "We know; she has morals."
"No, she's just…if you fuck Rory Gilmore, it's a big frickin deal. That's it. You're stuck with her. With Rory, everything is a big thing."
"Is there going to be a banner on her V-Day?" Maybe you can make it, Finnegan.
"Maybe Rory will decide to live the celibate life," Colin mused, because in his mind, who would want to fuck that? Not even a Grizzly Bear would test the waters of Rory's vagina.
"You can't let an ass like that go to waste, " Jess reasoned.
"There are a lot of hot nuns. I hang out at convents all the time."
Logan laughed at one of Finn's many odd fetishes. "You're so messed up, man."
"Horny is the word for it. I haven't had a decent lay in months. Maybe I'll give Jennifer a call."
"Shut up, Finn," Colin groaned.
Jess wiped his eyes, tired of this conversation. He had better things to do. More stimulating things.
And no, he didn't mean a girl, although that was normally stimulating for certain senses.
"I've gotta go guys," he said, taking one last swig of his soda.
"Where are you rushing off to?" Logan was trying to stall him. He wanted to play a little good cop/bad cop on his friend about what was going on with Rory.
Jess grabbed his blazer off the back of his chair and swung it over his shoulder, backing up as he spoke. "I've got tutoring."
"Bullshit," Logan said.
"Boys scout's honor. I'm going to get a little help in math."
"What's her cup size?" Finn quizzed him.
"I'm appalled you guys don't think I'm just trying to advance my education," he paused, a devilish grin adorning his features.
That'd sell it. "And they're D's."
"Excellent," Logan applauded his friend.
"Nice work, mate. Full report tonight at my house. We'll do poker and cigars. Father got these Cubans that are bloody brilliant."
But Jess had already disappeared.
But not to go get a little help in math from some D cupped fantasy.
Jess didn't need help in math. Or any other subject. If he applied himself at all, he'd be considered a boy genius.
Nope, Jess Mariano was off to find his new favorite game, Miss Rory Gilmore.
Rory clinked her glass with E's, a wicked smile adorning her Snow White like features. How could someone so innocent looking be so bad?
"Best friends forever." E took a sip of her martini, then fished out the olives and shoved them into her mouth.
"Forever." Rory's eyes glimmered when she said that word. Forever was quite a long time for her to be professing her friendship to a girl who had ruined her life, according to her diary and therapist.
Suddenly, E grabbed onto the table, trying to find balance. Her regularly tan face had gone the color of Rory's perfectly ivory skin. She put her hand to her forehead, checking for a fever.
"I don't feel so well."
"Really? That's a shame. Maybe you should go lie down." Rory took another sip of her martini, not even offering to fetch E a cab.
E tried to stand up but quickly sat back down when she realized the room wasn't actually spinning.
It was her.
"What's wrong with me? I feel so hot."
"I poisoned you." Rory tossed a handful of peanuts into her mouth and wiped her hands on E's glittery mini dress.
"You what?"
"When you went to the bathroom I slipped something into your drink." She pulled out the vial, now empty. This must have been the prestige part of her magic trick; show E how she killed her. That was definitely something she had never seen before.
At least we hope so but when you're friends with Rory Gilmore, who knows how many times she has tried to kill you.
"Why would you…" E began to cough, her little body shaking violently. Rory just continued drinking her martini, patting her friend on the back to show the other customers that she cared.
"Why would I kill you? Well, you probably won't be conscious long enough for me to explain it to you, so I might as well get to the point. I hate you."
"You're such a…"
"Bitch? Yeah, but you already knew that."
E hit the floor, her blonde hair covering her soon to be dead face.
Rory flagged down the bartender. "Can I get another martini?"
"What about your friend?"
"I think she's had enough."
"One martini and she's on the floor?"
"She never did handle her alcohol well."
She pulled her Too Faced Mood Swing lip-gloss from her purse, applying a fresh coat.
Killers still had to look hot, especially in high society. And this killer was all about cruelty free lip-gloss, even though she didn't exactly abide by that rule in the social world.
The real question was what color would her lips take on? Was she happy?
Obviously.
Hot and bothered?
Did we miss Jess' appearance?
Was she jealous?
Of a dead girl? We think not. Corpses have never been hot.
Out of nowhere, Logan popped into the seat beside her, stepping right over E's body. He was outfitted in a Burberry trench coat and fedora.
Odd choice of outfit, Mr. Huntzberger. He was aware he was not Humphrey Bogart, correct?
"You killed E, I see." He didn't seem too bothered by the death of the girl who had deflowered him.
Rory choked on air. "You're crazy."
"I'm not the one who's drinking martinis with a corpse."
"I'm a Gilmore."
"Precisely. Gilmore's are known for their tempers followed by irrational behavior."
"It's not like anyone will miss her."
"You're right."
"I'm what?"
"She's better off dead."
Rory looked around the room, searching for Ashton Kutcher and the Hartford police department. This had to be a set up. She had been caught. And her boyfriend of four years was in on the bust.
Stop. Think clearly. She was a Gilmore. Gilmore's didn't get…
Logan leaned in, capturing Rory's bottom lip. He moved his mouth against hers in a kiss more passionate than anything they'd ever shared.
He pulled back, leaning his forehead against hers. "Murder turns me on."
"I'm confused."
"I love you, Rory Gilmore." He kissed her again, this time sweeter, briefer. This time it was less likely to be a ploy to keep her from running. "You can be the Bonnie to my Clyde."
"What'd you do? Knock off a bank?"
"I killed Jess."
"Why?"
"I never liked his hair."
"Now all our problems are gone."
"And we can be together."
"Forever," she whispered, almost like she couldn't believe this was happening.
She felt a hot liquid on her lap. Had E risen from the dead and bled on her Ralph Lauren sweater dress?
She looked up and locked eyes with those awful chocolate pools her grandmother detested.
Wait, wasn't Jess dead?
He smirked. "You need to take off that skirt before the stain sets in."
Ugh. She had been day dreaming, yet again.
Rory really did live in a dream world. One fucked up dream world.
"You're supposed to be dead."
He clutched his chest. "It's all fun and games until Gilmore spills her coffee. Daydreaming again? Where were we this time? In Charleston's office?"
"You're perverse."
"I think we could have some fun on his desk."
"He has a stapler, right?"
"I suppose. Why? Looking for something kinky?"
"Why, does a staple through the penis get you going?"
"I knew you had sadist tendencies buried underneath all that sexual repression."
She stood up, letting the coffee drip off her skirt to the ground and headed in the opposite direction of wherever Jess was headed.
Too bad for her he was headed in her direction.
"Stop following me."
"I'm not following you. I'm trying to help you."
"I can get rid of a stain on my own."
"I'm great with laundry."
"Good luck with that as a profession."
He jogged a bit to get in front of her, stumbling backwards so he could keep his face on hers. "Why do you always run away from me?"
"People tend to run away from their stalker."
He laughed, brushing past a group of girls who were more than happy to run into Jess Mariano. Too bad for them he was solely focused on Rory Gilmore at the moment.
"Maybe you're stalking me."
"I was at that bench first."
"I was in class first."
"We share the same class. I have to be there."
"And so do I. And I happen to enjoy coffee. It's not my fault the coffee is beside your bench."
"But you know I love coffee!"
"It's not my fault you have an unhealthy relationship with caffeine."
"And at my mother's party…" She trailed off, not really having a leg to stand on.
"You walked up to me. You fixed my tie. You lingered."
"Don't use that word."
His back hit a door and he realized he had made it to the girl's bathroom without her killing him with the death rays she tended to send to anyone in her presence.
"Oh look, the girl's bathroom. And you have a stain. And the bathroom has water and soap. It's fate."
"It's a bathroom."
"I think I should help you."
"I can take care of myself."
Rory pushed her way past his very annoying form, sending the swinging door into his face.
She called back out to him, in a taunting manner, thinking she had won. "And unless you have a vagina, you can't come in here."
But the lack of a vagina wasn't going to stop Jess Mariano. He rubbed the spot on his head where a bruise was likely to form and walked into the girl's bathroom.
"I can't read," he stated smugly, still rubbing his head. "You play rough."
"Get out," she said this calmly, because in all honesty, his presence didn't bother her.
"I'm in here more often than you are. By the way, never use stall number two. No amount of Clorox could clean that one up."
"You're gross, really."
"Why thank you, dear."
He pulled a few paper towels out of the dispenser, and ran them under water. Walking up to Rory, he got down on his knees, his hands resting on her hips.
"What are you doing?"
"You talk too much. Just trust me." He started scrubbing at the coffee stain on her skirt, holding the only material that stood between seeing Rory's panties in his hand.
"If someone walks in here…"She tended to lose her words when it came to Jess since the nose graze fiasco.
Right now, she was losing her mind.
She shouldn't be letting him touch her like this. But he was being so sweet. His intentions seemed honorable. He was her knight in shining plaid at this very moment.
Pure evil had never taken such a romantic form.
"Then someone walks in here. I'm getting a stain out of your skirt, right?"
She gulped. "Right."
He scrubbed for a bit longer, then stopped, staying on his knees for a few moments, one hand still lingering on Rory's hip.
She studied the placement of his hand. He could have moved it lower. He could have tried something as he was scrubbing away. "Why are you being nice to me?"
He stood up, tossing the paper towels into the trashcan. "Why'd you let me help you with that stain?"
"I don't know." She looked away from him.
He took a step closer, knowing it would make her more uncomfortable, knowing that he could have her skirt bunched around her hips if he said the right words.
"You could have pushed me away. Shoved me into the wall. Bit me."
"I haven't bitten you since we were three."
He ignored her attempt to kill the moment. "But you didn't."
"You didn't answer my question." She chewed on her lip, nearly drawing blood.
"You didn't answer mine."
"I asked first.'
"Semantics, Freckles."
She couldn't stop the smile that hit her face with that dreadful nickname.
He moved a bit closer, close enough that she could feel his breath on her cheek. He locked his eyes on her lips, his mind already wandering to what her lip gloss would taste like. How her soft pink lips would feel against his. Would her peppermint gum accidentally slip into his mouth. Would he give it back?
Right now, her mood was definitely hot and bothered with a splash of dare we say, happy?
"I'm going to ask you something else."
"Okay." She knew what he was going to ask. Her hands were trembling at her sides in preparation for what she was going to let happen.
"How would you react if I leaned in right now and kissed you?"
The moment, her answer, the possible outcome was all ruined by a scream. "Jess Mariano, get out of the ladies bathroom!"
You could always count on the Dean of discipline to ruin anything for Jess Mariano. Dean Hessler hated him simply because Jess took away all the attention his thirty-two year old ass should have been receiving from the female students.
It was common knowledge that the Dean had slept with a few of Chilton's finest.
It must have been hard to avoid his boyish good looks. That or the Daddy figure thing really was popular among the seriously messed up.
"Seriously," he muttered under his breath.
Rory had been saved. For show, she gave Jess a little shove. "Yes Jess, get out of the girl's bathroom!"
She walked past him with a fake look of disgust plastered on her face. "Jess is out of control, Dean. Something must be done."
"I'll look into it, Miss Gilmore."
Jess couldn't help but laugh at Rory's attempt to save face.
"Something funny Mr. Mariano?"
He turned around. Rory had already left the bathroom. He noticed the Dean's eyes were following her behind.
The Dean had a thing for Rory.
Someone needed to tell him to give up on that fantasy. Sleeping with the dean of discipline was not even on Rory's radar. Plus, it held a serious ick factor. He had graduated from UCLA and wore L.L Bean pants. Ew.
"She does have a nice ass."
"I beg your pardon?"
"It's just us boys now, Dean. You can admit that Rory has a fantastic ass."
"Do you want me to suspend you?"
"I've been wanting to take a trip down to Brazil. It's bikini season," he gave the Dean that smile that he hated more than Jess speaking.
The Dean smiled. "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of a suspension."
"Then what are you going to do with me?"
"You'll see, Mr. Mariano."
"Do you want me to give you a play by play of what went on with Miss Gilmore? Sorry, but I don't kiss and tell."
"I'd advise that you don't say another word about Richard Gilmore's granddaughter, Jess."
"How does Richard feel about your admiration for Rory's ass?"
The Dean turned a deep red. His head might explode at any moment. He grabbed Jess' tie, dragging him out of the bathroom. "I really hate your kind."
"That's a shame because I love you so much."
"Sarcasm, how original."
"I try my best."
It was best not to mix blind rage and alcohol. It didn't matter if you ordered the new concoction shaken, not stirred; the results were never James Bond smooth. It tended to make you say things, do things or act in ways that a Chilton Princess shouldn't.
Think sleeping with your boyfriend's best friend. Doing lines with a boy with no trust fund that probably rode a Harley. Ripping the golden locks from your ex-best friend's head in front of everyone, even the New York Post page six writer.
Hair in the martins certainly wasn't good for business unless the two girls ended up with their tops off having it out in the water fountain in the lobby. Maybe Rory should stop with the alcohol. Or take a valium.
Another thing Rory Gilmore shouldn't have done was arrive at the bar at the hotel her mother owned/pretended to run thirty minutes early. Thirty minutes was enough time for at least five martinis. Five martins would make her ninety-pound frame slur her words and make out with inappropriate people.
It was a good thing for her Jess Mariano was not lurking in the hotel lobby.
Rory had pulled her hair into a severe ponytail, and hadn't taken the time to change out of her coffee stained skirt; but because she was a high society goddess, she still looked flawless.
But, she should not make it a habit of showing up looking like a girl who was only at Chilton because she was on scholarship.
If her new look was going to be sweat pants and stained clothes, she should at least save herself from the embarrassment and stay in bed until she sorted out whatever was bothering her.
She looked down at her cell phone. E was fifteen minutes late.
E's Mad Hatter like tendencies were endearing when Rory actually liked her. But now, when she'd love nothing more than to rip every single hair from her head, E's lateness just made Rory grip her martini glass even tighter.
Watch out Rory. Glass breaks easier than E's neck.
"What's so special about her?" She mumbled to herself. As long as she wasn't expecting an answer, it was safe to say she hadn't gone completely mad.
"About who?" E asked, her blonde hair hitting Rory in the face as she slid herself into the booth, cuddling up next to Rory.
Rory took another sip of her martini, already having to force herself to fight back the desire to slam E's head into the table. "You're late."
"I'm always late."
"It's not one of your endearing qualities." Not that she has any, according to Rory.
"I'm sorry, Miss Punctuality. You know I hate clocks."
"You're sounding stupid."
"What's going on with you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You're being more of a bitch than you usually are."
"I've been waiting for forty-five minutes."
"Then I guess you're sufficiently hammered."
"At least I wait until five o'clock."
"Are you unhappy to see me?"
"Oh if you only knew."
"Jess is right. You're different."
A sharp intake of breath. The shattering of glass on the floor. A cold liquid running down Rory's leg.
E flew out of the booth, glass flying off of her calves. "Rory! What the hell?" She grabbed the hand of her paralyzed friend, dragging her to the bathroom, a place where all secrets were safe.
She finally got a good look at Rory's disheveled appearance. "Okay, I know you pretended the only thing bothering you was my inability to be on time but you'd never leave the house looking like this. Spill. What's going on in Roryland?"
"Nothing."
"So the gossip is true."
Rory went on the defensive, practically yelling at E. "What did Jess tell you?"
"Rory, you were in the bathroom with him. Dean Hessler walked in. Jess didn't have to tell me anything."
"Nothing happened in the bathroom."
"That's not what Dean Hessler told Miss Fairfield."
"Dean Hessler is a California prick who enjoys banging sixteen year olds. You really believe what he says?"
"Are you having problems with Logan?"
"Logan and I are fine."
"If you are with another guy, especially Jess, in the bathroom, I'd say fine isn't what you and Logan are."
"Don't think of this as an opening to get to Logan. He doesn't want you."
"How do you know?"
"Oh my god, don't tell me you actually thought you were going to get him back?"
"I didn't say that. I just don't think you should assume he doesn't want me when you are off blowing Jess."
"You know I don't get on my knees for anyone. That's your job."
"Then was it the other way around?"
"Why does it matter to you?"
"You're the good one Rory! I'm the one who is supposed to be caught in bathrooms with guys like Jess. Not you!"
"What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying I couldn't be with a guy like Jess?"
"Guys like Jess don't want anything to do with you after they get up your skirt."
"Correction; guys don't want anything to do with you after they get up your skirt."
"Are you mad at me or something?"
"Wow, it took you this long to catch on? I gave you too much credit."
"What did I do?"
"What did you do? Did you really think all would be fine? You ruined my life! You slept with my boyfriend! You almost got me kicked out of Chilton! You humiliated me!"
"I thought we could move past that."
"I don't forgive."
"So what, you hate me now? Come on Rory, that's ridiculous. We've been friends since we were five."
"I don't need friends."
"Jess isn't going to be your friend. You might think he cares, but he doesn't. He's great for a week, but all he's only a good fuck."
"Maybe all I want is a good fuck."
"So Jess is a booty call? Rory, you can't do this to Logan!"
"I can do whatever I want to Logan because he's mine. And for the record, Jess isn't a booty call. I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend with his best friend."
"It was one time. We were drunk. Why can't you get over it?"
"It's more than just Logan."
E looked down at her feet, her front breaking down in the face of losing the only friend she had. "I'm sorry."
Rory's eyes were hollow. She had no feelings left. Well, except one very important feeling. "I hate you."
E was still in denial, still thinking her charm would get her her old life back where everything was about R and E. "We can fix this. I'll stay away from Logan. Or Jess. Whoever you want, I'll stay away from."
"It's too late to make up, sweetie."
"Don't do this, Rory. You don't want to be my enemy."
Rory moved closer, resting her hands on E's shoulders. "Oh, I think I do." She gave E a hard push into the wall, her patented wicked smile planted on her face. "Think of this as war."
She walked away, leaving E to wash the blood out of her blonde hair. "And I don't play nice," she called back, her heels clicking on the tiles as she left E all to her lonesome.
Drawing blood certainly wasn't the normal definition of playing nice.
E stared into the mirror.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who was the scariest bitch of them all?
Place your bets now. And remember, Rory is one crazy bitch. Of course, don't count E out. She did almost get Rory kicked out of Chilton. And you probably want to know how. Soon, all will be revealed. Or at least the parts that Richard and Emily didn't have erased from everyone's memory.
"She doesn't want to mess with me," she said, talking to the mirror. "I know everything."
Rory stepped out of the bathroom, a little pissed off, a little confused and a lot drunk. She flipped open her compact mirror, frowning at her reflection. She slammed it shut, not liking her look of Catholic school girl hobo.
Could her hair have looked much worse?
She felt a pair of eyes on her frame. She knew who it was. No one else violated her regularly like that.
She scanned the room for him. There he was, Jess Mariano, sitting at the bar, sipping on a rum and coke.
She didn't take her eyes off his. You could say they were partaking in one intense round of eye sex. Blue on brown fornicating into one odd color.
He finally broke eye contact, looking down into his glass and shaking his head.
She glided over to the bar, turning so her back was against the bar, her hands pushing her off the wood. The little chest she had was pushed out into his face. "I believe this constitutes as stalking."
Rory's barely A's weren't going to pull his attention away from his rum and coke. That and he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking he enjoyed every inch of her. "I didn't know you were important enough to go incognito."
She realized she had come over to see him in her stained Chilton skirt. Her hair was in a ponytail. Not her finest fashion hour, indeed. "I didn't have time to change."
He shook his head in an indifferent manner. "Okay."
She slumped back against the wood, her chest deflating as soon as she dropped her hands, one left lingering on the bar, her fingers dangling in the air. "Not that I would change. Or wanted to change. If I knew I was going to see you, I definitely wouldn't have taken the time to change."
"You like looking dirty. I'll remember that."
"That's not what I meant. What I meant is that your opinion doesn't matter to me."
"Yes it does."
"No, it doesn't. Not even a little bit. None whatsoever. I don't even think about you when I am getting dressed."
"I'd prefer if you thought about me when you were undressing."
"I think about Logan. Not you. Never you. Not once you." Jess watched her lips. The words that were coming out of them were of no interest to him. He just stared at her pink lips, watching as she rolled her tongue around her mouth, the way she spoke too quickly for her mind to catch up, forcing her to say the same thing over and over.
"You're rambling." Smirking really was his thing.
"No I'm not. I'm talking."
"A lot. You're using different words to say the same thing. It's amusing."
"I'm leaving."
"I didn't invite you over here." He moved his hand on top of hers, making sure their fingers danced with each other just long enough to make Rory shiver. She visibly shook, before jerking her hand away.
"Do I make you shiver?" He asked, in a deep, husky voice that Rory imagined he used when he was about to come. Wait, no she didn't. Rory wouldn't think about that, would she?
She examined her hand, unsure of what had just happened.
It's called electricity, sweetheart. Look it up in the dictionary sometime. It will say "See chemistry." Read that one too.
She exited without saying another word, without giving him another look, without remembering why she even came over there in the first place.
E stood behind the bathroom door, witnessing the entire interaction. She had the ammunition she needed to get started. But first, she needed to go have a bit of fun with Jess.
E grabbed Jess' drink out of his hands, sucking on the left over ice cubes. The girl seriously needed to go to an AA meeting. "I need you to do me a favor."
He hadn't undressed E with his eyes since she had returned. He looked up and down her body. Not bad. "You haven't let me give you a proper homecoming. I'm offended."
The waiter brought over another rum and coke for him and a Shirley Temple for E. Lorelai must have seen the little alcoholic and decided to play the mom card. "I need you to fuck Rory Gilmore." E took one of the cherries out of her drink, biting the end off in a manner that Nancy Reagan certainly wouldn't approve of.
He choked on his coke and rum, knowing he couldn't have heard what he thought he heard. "Excuse me?"
"I know you want to. She'd be your greatest conquest."
"This is feeling a bit too Cruel Intentions for my taste."
"I didn't say you could put it anywhere.'
"Why do you want me to fuck Gilmore?"
"Because she wants it. And I want you to give it to her."
"I thought you two were bosom buddies. Didn't you make out in Finn's hot tub two summers ago? Girls who make out together stay together."
A heavy sigh was released from her body. Once you crossed E, you were dead to her. "We were friends. That's past tense, in case you didn't notice."
"I'm not the one who was kicked out of boarding school."
"So will you do it?"
"What's in it for me?"
"Besides the obvious?"
"I need a little more incentive than just seeing Gilmore's thong."
"If you do it right you'll see under her thong."
"I don't need sex tips from you."
"I heard you were a bit rusty."
"I had to take a break. I didn't want to be put down like father's race horses in my prime."
She huffed. "What do you want?"
"Take care of Logan."
"Huh?"
"Take Logan out of the picture. Distract him with your fantastic rack. Whatever. But make him disappear."
"I'm not a magician."
Two could play at the manipulation game. "I'm not sure if I should fuck Gilmore. It'd be sad to lose the last standing virgin."
"Why do you want your best friend to vanish from Rory's life?"
"I can't tell you all my secrets," he teased, knowing she wouldn't believe him even if he let her in on his little embarrassment of the moment.
She rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll do it."
"Please do him, preferably. And tape it."
"What makes you think he'll take the bait? Rory is certain he is in love with her and only her."
"He's a manwhore. He can't say no to free pussy." He paused. "What makes you think Rory will give up her virginity?"
"I just have a hunch."
"A hunch, huh? Care to divulge why you have this hunch?"
"You have your secrets, I have mine." She batted her eyes at him, running her hand across her chest in a way that she knew would have all eyes right on her, even girls admitted, perfect rack.
He smiled. "Fair enough. Do you want to shake on this? Or better yet, let's seal the deal up in my dad's penthouse."
"I think I'll pass. And let's be honest here for a moment. Who do you really want to take up to your penthouse?"
"I prefer the girl to be conscious and willing."
"Are you sure you don't prefer Audrey Hepburn look-a-likes now?"
"Those are hard to come by."
"I happen to know one."
"It's just a game."
"The most dangerous game," she reminded him.
"If you don't bring protection, yes."
She laughed, shaking her head at his evasiveness. "You'll never admit to it, will you?"
"To what?"
"That four letter word that seems to be lacking in your vocabulary. And life."
"Fucking is seven letters. Man, you really are dumb."
"Now I'm definitely not joining you upstairs."
"Oh come on, one last romp before Rory kills you."
E spun around, leaving Jess alone in the bar, without an ass to tap. Must have been a bummer for our very own Casanova.
He watched her leave, noticing the traces of red in her blonde hair. He knew who had done that. It was the same girl that would eventually leave scars on his back.
The race for Rory's virginity had just heated up. The question was, who would get up Rory's skirt first: Logan or Jess?
One thing was for sure; someone was going to unlock Rory's chastity belt before they all went off to college, which was a relief, because Rory Gilmore did not want to be devirginized in some frat house. Heiresses didn't do it like that.
Ending Author's Note: I'm torn about having Rory and E go at it in a big KY Warming Gel fight, like in Old School. The Hartford Boy's Club could coordinate the whole thing and they would fight to the death. It'd be so boss, right? I kid; I'd never go there. I don't want to lose my Feminist Card, even though I've probably lost 1000 feminist points for this story.
Ah, I have written the great puzzle. Is this a game for Jess? Maybe. Is this love? Oh you're hilarious; I'd never give that away (no spoiler alert: the robot falls in love! here). Or will I be going all Cruel Intentions? Hopefully not since the banging the virgin just because but falling in love thing is kind of, um, cliche. But I do like the possibilities here. And what is E going to do to Logan? Give him crabs? Crossies that she is that dirty!
Reviewers: I put this at the end, but don't worry, it doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you the whole time: Thanks for the reviews from last chapter! They seriously make me oh so very happy. I love reading your thoughts on me. I wonder why? Self absorbed much? Yes! (I wasn't ambiguous about that question at all).
Yesterday was my birthday, so jump out of a cake in your review for this chapter. And sing some dirty song. Preferably something that involves your milkshake or pimp juice.
