~*Chapter Fourteen*~


A week went by since Jasper's visit and it felt like it had never happened, but each time I looked in the mirror the evidence of that night was staring right back at me. My lip was still bruised, and the cut was still evident. There wasn't anything I could do to hide it. It wasn't an easy thing to explain to my family, but I told them the truth about Jasper's visit and our fight—again, sparing them the finer details. It was like they were on a suicide watch, but the truth of it was that I was okay. They'd all expected me to go into a tailspin, but I never did. For the first time in my life I was honest with myself. I'd said the things—as harsh as they were—I'd wanted to say. Jasper wasn't ready to hear them, which wasn't any fault of mine.

I'd managed to successfully avoid Alec all week. I didn't want to see him or talk to him, and I definitely wasn't looking for his advice. I wanted to put it all behind me and move past the anger, so I accepted Jared's invitation to dinner—partly because I needed something to take my mind off of things and partly because I was curious. I couldn't deny it any longer. Jasper's visit seemed to solidify what I was having a hard time accepting. I wanted to see where things would go, or even where I could go.

"Hey! OH..." Jared said when he opened the door and saw my lip. "What happened to you?"

"Ah... it's nothing. Stupid, really." I ducked to avoid his scrutiny, grateful he was acting as though he hadn't heard. I lifted up two brown bags. "Beer. I would have brought wine, but with the game..."

"Perfect, come on in." He held the door wide and let me into his loft. It was very open and very modern looking, completely different than my place. He had a flat screen TV against one wall that pretty much took up the entire wall.

"Whoa," I said. "Now that's how to watch a game."

"Yeah, most people I have over don't appreciate it. They think a TV shouldn't be seen... which I've never understood." He walked to the low-lying cabinet underneath it and flipped open the cupboard. Video games for all kinds of systems lined the inside of it. "And these... well I won't even mention these," he said, laughing while my eyes went wide and I think I actually felt a twinge in my pants. This was a bachelor's haven.

"I'll put these in the fridge," he said, holding up the beer. "I've got some cold ones we can have. Bottle or glass?"

"Umm... glass. Thank you."

His loft was amazing. Not really my taste. For one, it wasn't exactly kid friendly, but it suited him. It was all one room, with an exposed brick-face along one wall and another wall was covered in windows. The giant TV and the leather sofa and chairs were supposed to be the focal point of the room, but all I could see was the king-sized bed at the other end. It was glaring at me, like there were spotlights beaming down on the brown duvet. I could have sworn it vibrated. I gulped my beer.

"Nice place," I said.

"It does the trick."

He was in the kitchen, busy with the food and wearing an apron to protect his clothes. I breathed a much needed sigh of relief at his attire. I must have changed three times before leaving the apartment, finally settling on a tailored dark, grey shirt Alec had bought for me and some jeans he promised 'made my ass look better'... whatever that meant. I'd shaved, even throwing on some cologne I hardly ever wore. I worried I was over dressed, after all, we were just watching the game, and if I'd been with my friends, I would've been in old jeans and a Tee. But somehow that didn't feel right with Jared, and my instincts were right. He was in a deep green, button down shirt which was tucked neatly into his jeans. I wasn't a tucker, but it suited him. His hair was perfectly styled like it always was, and despite the smells from the food, I knew he was wearing cologne as well. I was nervous, but it was a good nervous I decided.

"Ah, need some help?" I asked, moving closer to the kitchen.

"Nope, I got it covered, but you can grab a chair and keep me company."

Dinner was... interesting. I'd never cooked lobsters at home, and I found out I was a bit squeamish when it came to dropping the little suckers into boiling water. Jared mocked me but assured me they wouldn't scream. He promised it was all myth even though I didn't really believe him.

He was a great cook, and the evening was light and jovial, if not a little messy, but it worked. It was nice to have a meal cooked for me and having someone other than my mother cooking it for me.

The game was on, and I was trying my best to concentrate on it. Jared was intense, he was right into it and it was hard not to share his enthusiasm, even though all I kept thinking about was what would happen when the game ended, or what did I want to happen when the game ended.

When the clock on the TV counted down the last few seconds of the game, Jared stood up and yelled, "Sonuvabitch!" He switched the TV off and threw the remote on the couch. "I can't believe that. How the hell did they score two goals in the last five minutes! We were winning! Man, I had money on that game too." He sat down and put his hands over his face.

All I could do was laugh at him. I hadn't been paying much attention to the game during the last period. I was too busy wondering what it would be like to kiss him and that giant bed was still glaring at me. My head was filled with all kinds of curses at myself for being such a goddamn chicken to take that next step. I think I wanted to kiss him, I just wasn't sure if it was want or curiosity that was the driving force. I wondered if it would matter.

He turned to look at me. "Are you laughing at me?"

"A little bit. I'm a Hawks fan soo..."

"Aw, man, you just had to go there. I don't think I would've let you in the door if I'd known that. I might've played ball, but back home, I grew up on the pond with my skates on. My dad took me to my first Ranger's game when I was twelve and that was it. Hockey's in my blood."

"My dad gets box seats sometimes. I'm sure I could get tickets if you ever want to go," I said.

"What? Really? You might have redeemed yourself. Not just nice to look at, useful too."

To my surprise, I didn't blush at his words, instead I moved closer to him, sliding across his leather couch. He stopped talking and stared at me. I saw his eyes glance to my lips.

"What are you doing, Edward?"

I let out a chuckle. "I don't fucking know," I said, but didn't move away. My arm was resting on the back of the couch, and I was turned to him slightly. I moved closer. I was going to kiss him. I needed to know what it felt like. I needed to kiss another man to get the feel of Jasper out of my memories. I leaned forward, and placed my lips on his. It was odd. With Jasper, I loved him, whether it was from knowing him for all those years or if it was real love, it just felt right. Not to say that it didn't feel right with Jared, it was just different. The emotion behind it wasn't the same, but it was still different than any of the women I'd ever kissed.

He pulled away from me resting his forehead against mine. "I want to, I do, but you're not ready."

"I'm ready." I kissed him again and he opened his mouth and his tongue touched mine. His lips were softer than Jasper's and a part of me missed the stale cigarette breath. But the more we kissed the more the stirrings began. He seemed hesitant with me, like he was holding back, so I moved my hand from the back of the couch to his neck, hoping he'd start to initiate something... anything. I was the one who had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I liked Jared, I did. And we were alike in many ways. I could see who I was becoming when I was around him. I needed to see where this would go, if I could go through with it. I wanted to know if it was only Jasper who got me hard.

I waited for him to take the tentative next step, but he didn't, so I moved my hand to his thigh, inching my way up. I was braver than I thought, but before I got real brave, he pulled away.

"Edward, I'm sorry," he said. "If this is going to happen with you, I want it to be on the right terms."

"Right terms?" I leaned back and felt the flush on my cheeks.

"I know Jasper was here." Without thinking, I bit my lip trying to hide the bruise. "And by the looks of your face, things didn't exactly go so well."

"Fuck! Is my entire life on display for all of you?" I moved away to the opposite end of the couch. "Do you all just sit around and think what the fuck you should do with me or what's best for me? I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking they know what's best for me. Can't I make my own decisions? Can't we just do this and for once not worry about the consequences?"

"Well, that's a little selfish don't you think?" I looked at him, questioning his comment. "What about me, Edward? Did you think about what I want? I like you... more than I should. And my heart's as easily broken as yours. I could find myself falling for you, and yet, here you are using me as your own personal experiment."

I looked out the window into the dark city skyline and saw my face in the reflection, and for a second I didn't recognize myself. I was sitting on a couch with a man I'd just kissed, who I wanted to kiss but not because I felt something for him. He was right. I wanted to use him. It was as simple as that.

"You're still in love with him," he said. "Maybe you always will be. I can't get involved with someone who isn't ready for it. I wish I had someone who loved me as much as you love him. You flinch every time his name is mentioned but your eyes tell a different story. I can't be that guy for you. I can't be the one for you to test all this out on. I've done the meaningless sex, I'm not looking for that."

"I'm sorry," I said. "Fuck! I'm just trying to find my feet in all this. I'm so confused."

"I know." He moved closer and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Guilt's a crazy thing isn't it?" I gave him another questioning look, wondering how he knew what I was feeling at that moment. "You think you shouldn't want this." I nodded. "And did you?"

I thought for a few breaths before answering. I had to admit, I'd been wondering what it would have been like. I'd imagined Jared and that Paul guy fucking ever since the night at the bar. I couldn't get the image out of my head. "I'm not sure, I mean, I think so."

"Yeah, that's that shame and guilt confusing the fuck out of you. One of these days your head will catch up to your heart."

I put my head in my hands and apologized to him. "I shouldn't have done that. I—"

"Edward, believe me, there's nothing more I'd like to do than take you to bed. Seriously. There's never been anyone I wanted to see naked more than you." He chuckled, and this time I did blush from his words—deeply. "Who knows, maybe one day we'll get there." I glanced at the king-size bed, it still seemed to be glowing, but didn't seem as foreboding. "Besides, I think Alec would skin me alive if something happened with the two of us tonight," he said laughing. "You're off-limits."

"Great..." I rolled my eyes. "I'm still the naïve child, I see."

"Not at all. He's just worried about you. I've never seen him care about someone as much as he does you. He wasn't even like this with me." He paused for a moment, settling back into the couch. "I think it's because you remind him of his late husband. You're like him in a lot of ways."

That was news I wasn't expecting to hear. All this time, Alec knew my story, and I'd never asked about his. Alec didn't hold much back, so if he wanted me to know he would have told me, but I never even pressed him. I was too wrapped up in my own wallowing. I was selfish and what I'd just done to Jared was evidence of that. I was a dick.

"I should probably go."

"You don't have to," he said, and he meant it. "There's more beer and I've got a wicked Tiramisu in the fridge."

"Can I ask why you're doing this? Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude, it's just why bother..."

"I've had my fair share of shitty relationships. I can see you've got a good heart, Edward, not to mention you're pretty damn hot. I'm interested, even if it means waiting 'til you figure some things out. Everyone comes with baggage, yours just happens to be out in the open not tucked away like most people. There's no pressure here. If you want to go out and find someone to try this all out with, I understand. It just can't be me. And if it turns out we're just meant to be friends, then I can handle that too."

This man was pretty amazing. He was someone I wanted to get to know better, and I wish I had my shit together, but I didn't. Timing really was everything and timing was a bitter bitch. He hadn't made me feel ashamed for what I'd just done, he wasn't angry and he didn't take advantage of a situation I clearly wasn't ready for. I definitely needed him in my life right now. And maybe he could shed some light on Alec in the process.

"That Tiramisu sounds pretty good."

~*.*~

I was getting ready to start my day with the kids. I was taking them to the park today. It had been raining every day this past week and it was finally sunny. They'd been going stir crazy, so I figured they needed to let off some steam. I glanced at my watch, realizing I had some time. Maybe I could stop by the salon and see Jared and apologize for the other night. I had two tickets to the hockey game I hoped to give him to make up for it. I was an ass and the last thing I wanted to do was alienate myself from him. I wanted to let him know that I just needed some time if he was willing to be patient with me. I could take it slow with him. Maybe that was what I needed to get over Jasper. Maybe a random fuck wasn't the answer like I'd thought it might be. The only problem was that I was getting those familiar blue balls I was so used to. Not because of Jared, they were just always there and the only way I found myself taking care of them was to imagine that night with Jasper. I always took it one step further in my head though, beyond what we did that night. I was curious to know what it would actually feel like... not just in my head. Of course having a computer and the internet didn't help my balls. If someone were to search my web history they'd be in for a shock. I looked up anything I could get my hands on. Videos, pictures even very badly written erotic literature. I wanted to know, and I wanted to be ready if and when it ever happened. So far the only thing I'd learned was that gay porn got me hard. Very hard.

There was a knock on the door. I'd been expecting it. Leah said she'd have the proofs dropped off this morning. I rinsed out my mug, adjusting myself to hide the semi I was now sporting. I signed for the package and examined the solid brown envelope, weighing it in my hands before opening it. It was heavy. She must have taken a lot of shots.

She'd done everything in a washed out sepia effect, playing on the lighting and the naturalness of the kids and their attire. The photos were incredible. She'd managed to capture every little thing about them in just a few shots. They were laughing, their eyes sparkling in some, while in another she caught Jack crying, his tears just resting on his eyelids ready to fall. I'd seen that look so many times and laughed that Leah had managed to get it. There were other photos where looks of deep concentration crossed their faces. My daughter had the same crinkle between her eyes as me when she was thinking and for the first time I saw our similarities. Everyone thought she looked like her mother, but as I sat there staring at this one shot of her coloring a picture, I saw me. My eyes started to tear up and for the first time in a long time I felt fulfilled. I felt complete.

There was another brown envelope at the bottom of the pile, with a yellow Post It note attached to the front.

These ones are just for you, Edward.

I opened up the envelope and there was a series of black and white shots of me and Jasper, some where we were alone and some in the same frame. She'd even gotten a shot of us when we were arguing. I hadn't even known she was taking our picture. My face was harsh, and my eyes were angry, but Jasper's were sad. I could see every little detail of his face; the small traces of stubble on his chin, the sunspots on his nose, and the tiny white scar just above his left eyebrow. I traced my fingers along his face before flipping to the next photo.

I was sitting on the box with the kids. We were in the right side of the frame, and it looked as though I was just talking to them trying to get them to calm down. On the edge of the left side of the frame, Jasper was standing with his hands in his pockets with his head tilted and he was watching us, unaware he was being photographed. I wasn't sure if it was the reflection from the lights, but it looked like there were tears in his eyes. I turned to the next picture and my heart skipped a beat, and my throat constricted. The next few shots were taken in sequence, but there was one in particular where Jasper was bent at the knees, talking to us. His hands were raised while he was telling his story, and his mouth was open in a smile. His blond, scraggly hair was curled around his ears and the three of us were laughing at him. I held my kids tight in my arms and we looked as though we were giggling and the spark of light was back in our eyes... all four of us. It was natural and pure and my heart was aching looking at it. The shot was beautiful. It sounded corny, but the picture was filled with love. For a brief moment, I realized it was the family shot I'd hoped Leah would take when I originally booked the session, only it came in a different package. I was beginning to wonder who was craftier, Alec or Leah.

There was another knock on the door, and I wondered if the kids were getting dropped off here. I took one more look at the photos before packing them away.

"Coming!" I yelled, wiping my face and collecting myself.

I swung the door open and the blood rushed from my face when I saw who was in front of me.

"Edward? Hi, I'm—" she said.

"I know who you are. What do you want?" I was staring down at Jasper's wife. She looked tired, distraught almost, but she was impeccably dressed and she was smiling at me.

"Can I come in?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder to my living room, like she was looking for something or someone.

I dropped my hand and gestured for her to come in. "I don't know why you're here. Nothing you can say will change my decision. I'm not helping you."

"So you know where he is then?" Her eyes were lit up with excitement, but fell when I didn't answer her. I was confused by her question. "Jasper," she said, her voice a little unsteady.

"Ah... no. He was here almost two weeks ago, but I haven't heard from him since."

She sat down with a heavy sigh, her hands clamped together.

"What's happened?" I asked.

"He's gone. He just left and no one's heard from him."

"Have you tried Alec?"

She nodded. "He's not seen him either."

I wondered why Alec had kept this from me. Surely, this constituted a reason to remove the gag order on all things Jasper.

"How long?"

"Four weeks," she said sniffling. I reached for some tissues and offered her the box. "Thank you."

Four weeks, I thought. That didn't make sense. What had he been doing before he came here? "I'm sure he's fine," I said, not wanting to alarm her. "Do you know why he left?"

She stopped sniffling for a second and rolled her eyes at me. "You know why he left."

"Umm... actually, I don't. His visit wasn't exactly a good one. It ended with his fist connecting to my face."

She smiled a sad smile. "It doesn't surprise me. He's been on edge for a long time. He's kept it bottled up, pretending everything was fine, but it was like a ticking time bomb. After your visit to Chicago, he told me you said no to being a donor. And I understood. It's a lot to take in and it was a lot to ask of you. I'm sorry. But our lives went on as usual, except he was different. He wasn't the Jasper I married."

That was becoming a central theme in our lives.

"Right before he left, we'd had a fight, but it wasn't a typical fight. I asked him about you and why the two of you really didn't speak anymore. He didn't want to talk about it, but I kept asking, until eventually he told me you were appalled we'd asked you to help us and you didn't want him in your life. He said he wanted to spare me from the real truth last Spring. But I knew he was lying to me. I think I know you well enough from the stories, Edward, to know you aren't cruel like he made you out to be. So I pressed him, and kept asking for the truth. He broke down in front of me and told me he couldn't tell me. The next morning he was gone. I know something happened that night when you were in Chicago...between the two of you." She blushed fiercely, gripping the tissue in her hands. "I don't want the details, but from the bits and pieces, I think I can guess."

"I don't know where he is, and that's the truth. And I won't be the one to tell you what happened. You need to hear it from him. "

"Fair enough."

"As for his visit a few weeks ago when he turned up on my doorstep? He's right about one thing... I don't want him in my life. He wants things to go back to the way they were, which they can't be. I just assumed he was here to try and convince me to change my mind. Well, you know." I pointed to her belly, not really wanting to say the words out loud.

"I can't lie and say it hasn't crossed my mind. I'd love for you to reconsider. Jasper loves you, and I love him. To have your child would be the closest thing to having his. I know it sounds messed up." Her hands were gripped tight together and she relaxed them and stared me straight in the eyes. "But that's not my concern right now. I don't care about any of that. I only want to find him and know that he's all right. I love him, Edward, even if he doesn't love me that way."

"But he does."

"No he doesn't, and I think you know that. He's afraid."

"Yeah, well I'm tired of hearing that."

"There's a lot of history there, and not just between the two of you."

I threw a cautious glance her way. "What exactly do you know?"

"More than even you know."

I exhaled, leaning back against the sofa. "I think we need a drink. Let me make a phone call and I'm all yours."

She laughed, but agreed. "Tea, please, if you have it." I was thinking more along the lines of something stronger, but that would do. I called my wife, letting her know I was running late, and made the tea before returning to the living room.

"Did you ever meet Jasper's real father?" she asked as we sipped from our cups.

"No, he died before I met Jasper."

"Apparently, he was some military hot-shot. A Colonel in the Army."

"Yeah, he's mentioned that before."

"He was a good man, if not a little strict. And Jasper worshipped him as a young boy," she explained.

"I got that impression from the few times he talked about him."

"His mother told me all of this," she said. "Because Jasper won't really talk about him. His father was an Army man through and through, and a God-fearing man as well. Which means he had some very keen ideals when it came to certain kinds of people."

"And by 'kinds' you mean..."

"Yes. He was a bit of a bigot. Jasper's struggled with it his whole life. His mother shares some of those views too. Not to the same extent, but she's exchanged words on occasion with Alec."

I'd met Jasper's mother a few times. I'd never really known her though, and this kind of conversation didn't exactly come up around the dinner table. She was a Southern woman, and always kept the topic of conversation on respectable, neutral ground. I wondered if she had any idea about Jasper, and if not, I wondered what her reaction would be if and when she found out what her son was struggling with.

"Jasper was the first man in his family not to go into the military. You know how he is; he was never cut out for it. So all he's ever wanted to do was make up for that and make his dad proud even after his death and that's meant denying a lot of who he is. His father told him to 'carry on the family name,' you know, 'make him proud.' So when Jasper found out he couldn't have children... well you can imagine what was going on in that head of his."

I did know. I'd seen it in his face that night on the rooftop overlooking the city. He was torn up about so many things, I'd just assumed the wrong thing.

"He thought of himself as a failure on a whole other level, not just because of... well, you know." She quickly glanced at me and her face turned another shade of red. "He's hated himself. No one knows this, not even his mother," she added. "Jasper's not much for words."

"You could say that."

"I put two and two together from the stories she told me about his father. I think that was why Jasper gravitated toward Alec so much. He was trying to see for himself if Alec was a good person. He's been battling this inside of him for years. Maybe a part of me even knew when he asked me to marry him. I knew about you, and what you meant to him. Do you remember the day I met you? The day of your wedding?"

I remembered I hadn't seen Jasper in a few years and was surprised that he'd brought a date, and one that was so very different from his usual type.

"After the ceremony," she said, "I found him sitting in the back alley of the reception hall all by himself. He didn't know I was there watching him. He was crying. I had no idea why he was crying, but I knew it wasn't something he wanted to share with me, so I slipped back into the shadows and tried to forget what I'd seen. He'd cleaned himself up and eventually joined the party as if nothing was wrong. When you went to say goodbye to him, when you were leaving for your honeymoon, I saw the look in his eyes. And I knew."

I was definitely shocked by her confession, but I wasn't about to let her see it, so I asked the only obvious question. "Then why'd you marry him?"

"I loved him. He's a good man. And I was naïve and thought he'd change once he saw you were married."

"Did he?"

"He tried very hard... and I saw the changes. I guess he was just good at lying to himself and everyone around him. I thought a baby would help, so that's what we did. I became obsessed with the idea of having a child, and when you had your daughter, Jasper became obsessed too. I knew about the inner demons he was struggling with... and I did nothing to help him. I just pushed and pushed. I was the one who suggested he should ask you to help us. It was sick and twisted, I know, but I just wanted him to be happy, to have some part of you."

It was a lot to take in. It was messed up, all of it, more than I could've imagined. Jasper had a father he'd loved telling him he needed to be a man when everything he'd been taught told him he wasn't.

"I don't know what you expect me to do?" I said. "Thanks for telling me, but it's been a year. Things change."

"I know, Edward. I really didn't want to come here. I didn't want to talk to you. But I'm at the end of my rope here. Alec told me I should leave you alone and I never would've come to you if I wasn't desperate. I only want to see him happy... and I'm not sure anyone but you can make him happy."

"What do you want me to do? Anything you tell me won't change what's happened. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped."

"True enough, but I just have to ask?" The tears surfaced in her eyes again, but they didn't fall. "Do you still love him?"

My instincts told me to lie, and I found myself forming the word, but then I changed my mind. "It doesn't matter. We're too different to go back now."

"I don't know what it is about the two of you. I should be angry, I should be pissed off beyond belief at you, at him. I should feel betrayed, but I don't. I knew what I was getting myself into when I married him, and all I want to do is shake the living daylights out of the two of you!" She made the gesture like she was wringing my neck. "I'm so frustrated and hurt... and now I'm getting hysterical! You're idiots the both of you! Why the hell have you waited this long? Why now? When there was so much at stake? I just don't understand."

"That makes two of us."

"Is it wrong that I want to scratch your eyes out?" she asked, laughing through her tears.

"Yeah, well, the feeling was mutual about a year ago." We both continued to laugh... a moment of temporary insanity. I handed her another tissue, and we collected ourselves.

"I see why he married you," I said a little more somber. "But he's the one who needs to make a decision. Nothing you or I or Alec can say will help. And if I'm being honest, I'm not sure if I want him to come back here. Too much has happened."

"I'm sorry, Edward," she said and placed her hand on my knee. "For everything."

We talked some more, until I told her I had to pick up my kids. I saw that same ghost of pain in her eyes I'd seen in Jasper's when I mentioned my kids, and surprisingly my heart ached for her. We said our goodbyes with promises of phone calls and news if we heard anything from him and then she was gone and I was left with that same gut-wrenching ache I had tried my damndest to get rid of these past few months.

I put my hands in my pockets, remembering the tickets to the hockey game. I didn't want to feel guilty for wanting to take Jared to the game. I'd heard Jasper's story, and yeah, it cleared a lot of things up, but it still didn't change the fact that I loved someone who couldn't love me back or more importantly... who didn't want to love me back.