~*Chapter Fifteen*~
I spent the rest of the afternoon with the kids as planned. I tried to be present, to be there for them, but the afternoon ended up being a bit of a bust. My head was too distracted by the idea of Jasper missing to make it the afternoon I had planned for them. Between the pictures from Leah, and knowing a little more about Jasper's past, it was too much to take in with screaming kids at a park.
I called it a day, and dropped off the kids, apologizing to my wife for cutting the day short. It only took her one look at my face and she understood I needed time to myself. I made the decision to swallow my pride and go and see Alec. I still hadn't seen him since my fight with Jasper and I had to find out what the hell was going on. I wanted him to start explaining some things to me.
"I was wondering when you were going to turn up. You could only avoid me for so long." He frowned and pushed the door to his condo open to let me in. As I walked by him, he grabbed hold of my chin. "Healing up nicely, I see? Looks like you could've used a stitch or two." He patted my cheek, then patted my ass and shut the door.
I always liked being at his place. It wasn't at all what I'd expected. I thought his condo would be over the top just like him; loud and filled with colors and pictures of naked men, but it wasn't. It looked like it hadn't changed in quite a few years. Nothing seemed new or current, not even the colors, not that I would know too much about decorating, but I got such a sense of 'home' when I was here. It was comforting and I felt safe if that was even possible.
He wasn't surprised to see me. He'd given me my space since Jasper, and I was grateful for that. He knew I'd come to him when I was ready, it was only a matter of time. I sat down on his couch and watched his expression. For the first time since I'd met Alec, he looked tired. Even his clothing was dark, not the typical bright colors he always adorned himself with. I don't know why, but it troubled me.
He gave me another sad smile, and told me he was ordering take out, knowing we had a lot to discuss. We kept the conversation light while we ate and filled each other in on our weeks and any other news that was drama free. He wasn't his usual self, he was sort of solemn with me and I kept waiting for him to break into a song and dance to make me feel better, but he didn't. Instead, his expression remained long and drawn out.
After we finished eating, we moved to sit on the balcony. It was about the only place that looked recently updated. He'd spared no expense with it and the decorating of it was definitely Alec's hand. It was overflowing with tasteful, colorful garden decorations and tropical plants, which I assumed were fake given the chill in the air. Every space was filled and there was a sitting area with a chair and a swinging two-seater with lush cushions. He lit some candles, and we sunk into the swing, rocking back and forth. With the sounds of the traffic far below us, it was rather peaceful.
"Why didn't you tell me he'd gone M.I.A?" I asked, watching the sun set in the distance.
"So she came to see you then?" Alec said, and sighed. "I told her not to... not to bother you, but I knew she wouldn't listen to me."
"Why, Alec?"
"I didn't want you to worry. You've went through enough with him so I thought I could take care of this. I've got some feelers out, people looking for him," he said. "He's not in a good place right now. And he's a little destructive. He'll surface eventually... when he wants to."
"So you saw him then?" I asked.
"After that night he clocked you one, he came here, his knuckles were bruised and bleeding." Alec turned his lip up in disgust.
"That was almost two weeks ago. Why didn't you tell me?" I was angrier than I should've been with him. I'd been avoiding him, but he hadn't even tried to call. I knew he was only looking out for me, and besides, I'd told him repeatedly I didn't want to hear anything about Jasper. But this was different.
"I wanted to give you some time to process everything. I didn't think you needed to hear what happened. He was a mess, Edward. He was cruel and vicious, and it wasn't something I wanted to share."
"Alec," I said, "I think I need to know. I'm done being coddled."
"Okay, but keep an open mind," he said, patting my knee. "He wasn't right in the head when he came here. Whatever you two fought about, whatever you said, must have been heavy. It's between you and him, and since you don't want to go into any details, I won't ask."
I took a deep breath, stretching my legs out while I placed my hands behind my head. "Let's just say it wasn't pretty."
"No shit, Sherlock," he said laughing. "With the two of you so jacked up on testosterone and all that sexual tension? Mmmhmm. I'm surprised all you ended up with was a bloody lip. Men would pay good money to see that action... me included."
"I'm surprised I didn't throw the first punch, or any punch for that matter."
"Well," he said eyeing me up, "I was surprised you let him in the door." He was almost back to his former self, but then he folded his hands together placing them in his lap and his sad expression returned. "When Leah called to tell me he turned up at the studio, I was hoping for the best. When I didn't hear from you... well... I expected the worst. Your mother filled me in on the rest."
"I didn't want to talk about it. I'm sorry I didn't call."
"I know," he said. "As much as I abhor violence, I think you two needed that."
"What? I needed to be punched in the face?"
"No, but what do you think hurt more? His punch or your words?"
"Alec..."
"Sorry, Hon, but I don't need to know what was said to guess it was pretty harsh. I'm as proud as a big ol' gay peacock struttin' his feathers at the poof parade, and my nephew may deserve everything that's come his way, but the truth is... we all know where your heart still lies, but do you know where his does?"
"Isn't that the point? He won't fucking talk to me about it."
"When he turned up, I really thought he might've come around. I'm hardly ever wrong on these things, but I'm sad to say I might be on this one. It's all rooted pretty deep."
"He's not the person I fell in love with."
He smiled a little smile and said, "I suppose he isn't. And I saw that the night he was here. But he wouldn't have taken off if there wasn't some truth to what you two fought about."
"So what did happen?"
He sighed. "He came here screaming at me for polluting you, and manipulating you to be like me. He called me every name in the book—nothing I haven't heard before, mind you—and I knew he didn't really mean it, but it was hurtful all the same. He said he'd never be a fag like me and he'd never let me turn him into one like I did with you." He squeezed my knee and gave me another half-assed smile.
His words shot straight to the heart, and travelled down to my gut. I blew out a deep breath. "Wow, no pulling punches there." After hearing some of the truths from Jasper's wife, I sort of understood where his anger was coming from, but still, it was hard to take.
"He's messed up, Sweetheart, and there's nothing you or I can do to help right now. He's got to let go of all that anger somehow, and I thought it was best if you didn't have to hear any of that. He's hurt and confused and lashing out at any one to blame other than himself."
"Do you think he meant it? Do you think he believes that?"
"I don't think he meant to be so callous, no, and as far as him believing the words? He's bottled it up so tight all these years, it was bound to blow. I know you don't want to believe it, but it was a big turning point for him. You've had almost ten months of this, he might be a late bloomer, or maybe not. But it's up to him, now. There's nothing else you can do."
"You're not telling me everything. I know you're holding something back. I can see it in your eyes."
"And I'm not going to tell you either. I've heard some rumblings, nothing concrete. He's still in the city, that's all I know for sure."
Jasper was still in the city. I think I already knew this. I don't know how or why, but I knew he wasn't far. It was odd, but I'd even felt like someone was watching my comings and goings this past week. I thought it was my paranoia, but maybe not.
"I don't want you to go looking for him either."
"You know I can't I say that I won't," I said.
"Edward, you have to trust me on this. I've got people looking for him. It won't do either of you any good if you go looking for him."
"I just don't fucking get it... all of it. I mean, in Chicago he was there, you know? I never would have gone through with it if I didn't really believe him."
"Sometimes loving someone isn't enough."
"Yeah, but... fuck, I just don't get it. I know about his dad, but how can he have that much power over Jasper all these years later? The man's dead!" I said, shaking my head.
"Listen, he's still a scared little boy who worshipped a father like any son does at that age. You know his mother's had a revolving door when it comes to husbands. And none of them have been hot shit... my brother included. He has an ideal in his head about his dad, and from what I've heard about the man, well... Jasper never knew the real side of him, the side that was a mean-spirited, hateful man. He was too young. You wouldn't know what it's like to desperately want the approval of your father. Dead or alive, it doesn't make a difference. Your father..." He wriggled his eyebrows and grinned, to which I rolled my eyes, ignoring his insinuations that my father was a "beefcake."
"You have a relationship with your father that every gay boy on the verge of coming out dreams of having."
"Hardly," I scoffed. "And his father died years ago."
"Which is why he's still so messed up. He never had that father figure to tell him differently... to tell him he's okay. Lord, I tried, but coming from me it's not the same. And then to find out he was shooting blanks? He was devastated."
"Why didn't he tell me when he found out?"
"Pride. It's a hard thing to hear you don't work properly. And now he's trying to be a man anyway he knows how. I suppose that's why he's doing what he's doing."
"And what is he doing, exactly?" I prompted him, hoping to get some more information.
"He ain't singing Kumbaya around a campfire, that's for sure." He rolled his eyes at me. "I'm not telling you, besides, it's all speculation at this point and I don't want you getting involved."
Taking a deep breath, I pushed the swing so the sound of the squeaking would fill the silence between us. If anything, I was more intent on finding him now.
"I mean it, Edward."
We sat for a few moments before I had to ask the question, "So, what do I do then?"
"You keep doing what you're doing," he said and slapped my leg. "Give him some space. I can't say you'll never be friends again, but it's best to leave things alone right now. No point in stirring up a hornet's nest and getting stung more than you already have been."
Jasper's words had stung. I also knew Alec was holding back. I'm sure there were a lot more derogatory things Jasper had said, and Alec was sparing me from the real words that were exchanged. I saw the look in Jasper's eyes when he was at my apartment when I forced him to hear the things I wanted from him, so I can only imagine what he'd said to Alec to lash out. I also knew the drawn out look on his face wasn't for me. He was worried for Jasper, more than he was letting on.
"Alec... I'm sorry."
"It's no skin off my back." He waved his hand in dismissal.
"No... I mean, I'm sorry for everything. I don't know where I'd be without you and you don't deserve any of this." Jasper's behavior with Alec was shocking. Yeah, he was in a shitty place but it didn't give him the right to attack a man who'd done nothing but try to help the two of us. "It's my fault and I've ruined your relationship with your nephew."
"Edward! Nonsense," he scoffed. "Nothing's ruined. He'll come around, and if he doesn't, it's his loss. I can't control someone else's actions and neither can you."
"Fuck... I don't want to care about him," I said with a frustrated sigh. "Do you think he's all right?"
"Hard to say. He's a grown man and is allowed to make his own decisions, regardless how wrong they are," he said. "You can't stay in this holding pattern, Edward. As much as I hate to say it, I think it's time you moved on."
That was something I wasn't expecting to hear. Not from him anyway. I was hoping someone would tell me it was time to let him go, but I never expected it to be Alec. My heart was in my throat. "I'm not sure I can," I said. "Will it ever go away?"
"I can't answer that, Sweetheart." He smiled, and his eyes seemed to float away into another thought. He raised his hand to cup my cheek, and I didn't move, or even try to squirm away. This was a turning point for me.
"You are so much like him," he said.
I knew he didn't mean Jasper. "Your husband, Marcus, right?" Jared told me a little about Alec's marriage. He didn't offer much, respecting Alec's privacy, but from the little he did tell me, Marcus' death was long and drawn out and took a huge toll on everyone in their lives.
He shook his head as though he was waking up from a day dream. "Now, how did you know that?"
"You're not the only one with 'ways.'" I tried to laugh to make light of the fact I'd been digging into his personal life. "He was sick, wasn't he?" I said, my voice a little more grave. He nodded, and the pain etched across his face.
"It's been a long time since these feelings surfaced. It must be you, Edward. You remind me of him." He sighed, but it was a happy sigh. "He really was remarkable." He leaned back into the couch, and his shoulders relaxed. I think this was the first time I'd ever seen him slouch. He sighed again. "He also loved someone who didn't love him back... but then he met me. And we spent ten glorious years together. Unfortunately the damage had already been done. I think that's why you boys mean so much to me. Jared, the others, and especially you and Jasper... careless mistakes happen. It can happen in a heartbeat, and you end up paying with your life. I wouldn't want to see you make the same mistake as my Marcus. No one should have to go through that." He paused for a moment and his voice was thick when he continued. "We knew he was sick when we married. But that kind of love transcends all that. If we couldn't be together in that way, then we wanted to be together in another—in the eyes of God."
I reached over and took his gold-ring-covered hand and held it in mine. We sat on his swinging couch, our heads resting against the back staring up at the sky and we just sat there together for some time. I waited for him to tell me more about him, but he didn't, perhaps another time when he was ready.
"I saw the pictures," Alec said, his voice soft and tender. "My boy loves you, there's no denying that. It was in every one of those photos. But I think you might have to accept he may never come around. He's not ready to admit anything to himself." The chair swung a few more swings and then he said, "I can tell you this though, any man to win your heart is one lucky S.O.B." He let go of my hand and turned toward me. He grabbed hold of my cheeks, pressing them together like I was a child. "You've got to make a decision. Wait for someone who may never admit he wants to be with you or you can start living your life by breaking gay boys' hearts all over this city."
He slapped my cheeks and my eyes opened wide in shock. He smiled and said, "Mimosa?" He went back inside and started pouring himself something to drink. This was typical Alec. We talked all the heavy stuff out and then an instant later, things were dropped, forgotten and off the table. Mimosas... a nice quick fix to everything, well at least according to Alec.
~*.*~
I left Alec's with a heavy heart and eventually found myself standing in front of Jared's apartment. I wanted to apologize to him for the other night and Alec's words were in my head like an incessant buzzing, plus I still had those tickets. He was surprised to see me. It was later than I thought, and I felt bad for disturbing him, but he assured me it was fine. He'd had a long day and was just winding down before he went to bed.
"Wine?" he asked, after taking my coat from me. I glanced to the table where his half-filled glass sat next to a book. Music was playing and the lights were low with a few candles glowing around the room. His place looked different from the last time I was here. When I thought about a gay man's apartment, this was more how I'd imagined it.
"Ah... sure... if it's no trouble."
"No trouble at all." He was wearing what looked like pajamas; cotton pants and a tight fitting white T-shirt. I couldn't help but notice his physique. Thinner than mine, but still lean and he was definitely fit. His feet were bare and he had his contacts out of his eyes and was wearing some stylish, thick, black framed glasses.
"I'm sorry for dropping by at this hour... without calling. I was at Alec's and didn't want to go home and then found myself in front of your building."
"No problem," he said. "I'm just sorry you've now seen how lame I actually am." I laughed with him as he passed me a wine glass. "Red, okay?"
"Fine, thank you." We sat on the couch and Jared lowered the volume on the stereo. I was starting to second guess my visit, but then remembered I had something to give him. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the tickets holding them up in front of my face. "An apology, for the other night."
"A playoff game?" His eyes lit up and he sat his glass down reaching for the tickets. "Are you kidding me? Man, I've never sat in a box!" He studied them and then his face fell.
"What?"
"Shit. It figures. I'm out of town that weekend. I have a conference to go to. Just my luck," he said, handing them back to me. "Thank you, though."
I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but for him, not for me. "I'll see if I can switch them up for another game." Which was probably a long stretch, but I'd still try.
"No worries if you can't. Just make sure you take someone who'll appreciate it as much as I would've. And don't take Alec! Please... I'm begging you. That would be such a waste."
"Deal. I'll probably end up going with my dad, anyway."
"How are things with your folks?"
"Like they've always been. I know I'm lucky. It's a bit awkward with my dad. Can't imagine it's been easy for him, but he hides it well."
"So where's your head at?" he asked taking a sip of his wine.
"My wife and I finally filed for divorce, so that was a big step." He nodded, understanding. "We're working out the details. I'm actually going to take the kids in the days until they're in school full-time. We're not hurting for money, and I don't know what I want to do yet, so it works." His eyebrows rose over the frame of his glasses, waiting for me to get to what he was really asking. "Things finally feel right."
"And Jasper?"
I ran my hands through my hair, letting out a nervous chuckle. "Fuck, I don't know. No one knows where he is. We're all worried sick about him, and I'm fucking tired of it all. I don't want to care, but that's like asking me not to breathe. I've known him for over twelve years, and I think I've loved him since the moment he walked into our dorm room. But, fuck, I want to beat the shit out of him right now."
"I can see that," he said laughing. "Do you think he'll be back?"
"Who knows. After what he's done to me, and to Alec, I'm not sure if I want him to."
"Yeah, you do."
"I really don't. With him, there's always this turmoil of all kinds of shit and emotion. It clouds things. And..." I stopped not sure if I wanted to say what was on my mind.
"And...?"
"Well, and now it's different. You know...with you. I'm sitting here and I realize I'm at ease. There's none of that shit that weighs me down."
"Don't get me wrong, Edward, I'm flattered you're comfortable with me, but it's not exactly what someone wants to hear. Comfortable is easy, and love sure as hell is anything but. Love, lust, whatever it is, is supposed to be that fucked up array of emotions. That's what gives us passion."
"But it's so fucking exhausting."
"Yeah... and totally worth it." He was laughing at me, but it was a kind laugh. "I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't jealous of Jasper. Even if the man's clearly an idiot."
"Alec thinks I should move on. I think he's given up on him."
"And what about you? Have you given up on him?
"I'd be lying if I said yes. Honestly? It changes from minute to minute. I can't decide. I want to move on. It's been almost a year, so I think it's time, but a part of me thought all of... this..." I said, hoping he understood what I meant by 'this.' "...Would be easier with him. It was supposed to be with him. I thought it would feel right and I'm not sure if it is without him."
We were staring at each other from opposite ends of the couch. It was only a few feet, but it might as well have been a mile. My stomach did its typical flip-flops, and my ears did their familiar burn. I was just grateful for the low lighting so he didn't have to see my embarrassment.
"He has no idea what's waiting for him," he said under his breath. He pushed away from the arm of the couch, moving closer toward me. "I'm going to kiss you," he said inches away from me. My body clenched, but I leaned forward to meet his lips despite the turmoil going on inside of me.
It was soft at first, tender, but then his head tilted and the frame of his glasses pressed up against my cheek and he pushed his tongue between my lips. The urgency built and everything became frantic. I found myself starting to slide down the leather couch until I was almost lying down. He was hovering above me and his thigh came to rest between mine. The fabric on his pants was thin, and I felt him when he shifted his weight. Everything happened so fast, and it wasn't long before my cock was reacting to his kiss.
"I thought you said you didn't want to—"
"Fuck that," he breathed, taking his glasses off and he pushed his hips against mine. The pressure caused me to groan and he smiled, moving his mouth to my neck. "Just once, Edward, if you want to," he said between kisses.
My hand moved to his hip and I could almost feel his smooth skin through the thin fabric. I gripped his backside, pushing him down while I lifted my hips to meet his. I was hard, we both were, and I cursed letting him know I wanted it... just not sure what "it" meant for him.
He reached for my belt, and of course my thoughts flashed to the night in Chicago. I tried to hide it and buried my head into the side of his neck instead, kissing and licking while he undid my jeans. I moaned, breathing into his skin when he grabbed hold of me underneath my boxers and a stream of expletives left my mouth which caused him to chuckle. He had a hold of me and slowly started to move his hand down the length of me. He pumped my cock, but stayed well away from the tip. I wasn't sure if he was teasing me or not, but it was maddening and I found myself bucking my hips to try and get his hand to slide all the way up and down. My head fell back against the couch, and I let him work me until I was wishing he'd put his mouth on me, anything to give me the satisfaction I needed.
Instead, he reached for my hand, and directed it between us pushing his cock into it. He was thicker than Jasper, and when I undid the strings on his pants and reached inside to take hold of him, I realized he was uncircumcised, which kind of threw me. I'd never really been up close and personal to one, let alone felt one. My head was racing, and my head wouldn't stop comparing him to Jasper, but with his hand on me it outweighed any other thought I had and I let my cock take over. I mirrored his actions, happy to let him direct me, and it wasn't long before we both slipped into a rhythm.
It was fast and manic at first while we struggled to get comfortable on the couch and in a position where we both had room to move. He was pumping me fast, finally covering my cock like I so desperately wanted him to. He was moving up and down, squeezing and pulling, and every so often his palm would graze my tip and I'd groan in pleasure. My hand matched his and when he sped up, I did too. I was throbbing and it wouldn't be long. I was trying to stay in the moment, but it was difficult not to think of the last time I'd done this. I was lying to myself trying to convince me I didn't want this to be Jasper's hand right now.
"Fuck, J—" I stopped myself from saying Jasper's name, and I knew Jared didn't hear me because there was no hesitation with him. His mouth came over mine, and he sucked on my bottom lip, breathing heavily while our hands continued in a fury of movement.
"I'm going to come," I whispered, panting into his neck. I was disappointed with myself for not lasting longer. It had been so long since someone had touched me and combine that with the added element of awkwardness, my cock was ready to blow. He squeezed my balls as they tightened up, and my eyes rolled to the back of my head. I grunted one last time and came all over my stomach, narrowly missing the bottom of my shirt.
His hand slowed, stroking me softly while he finished me off and mine slowed as well.
"Don't stop. I'm close," he said, pleading for me to continue.
He pushed his hips forward and I reached for his balls like he had with me. I stroked him hard and fast, and was amazed when I felt the familiar tightening underneath the palm of my hand. I copied his move and squeezed him gently. I felt every muscle in his body tense before he shook in response and let out a long drawn out curse. He'd come all over my hand, moments after I had all over his. We were a mess, plain and simple. He started to laugh, a deep throaty sound, and he bit his lip while he stared down at me.
"I feel like I'm in high school again," he said, looking at the mess on his hand. "I haven't done that in a long time."
My pants and boxers were resting mid thigh, and the belt buckle clinked as I tried to sit up with only one hand. His pants had fallen to his knees and I tried not to stare at his cock, but he saw me. We both laughed at my naiveté. We really did look like two teenagers going at it in their parent's basement trying not to get caught.
"I knew I bought a leather couch for a reason." He grinned at me and stood up, carefully trying to avoid making a further mess. He went to the bathroom and I heard the tap running, and when he came out he had a towel in his hand for me. "Here," he said still laughing and threw it at me.
"You know... this isn't why I came over," I said, walking to the bathroom.
"Yes it is."
I stuck my head around the doorjamb and opened my mouth in shock.
"You've wanted me to do that since I rescued you from Heidi at the wedding."
I realized he was joking even though there was some truth to it, but I went with it and said, "Guilty. Just the thought of her claws near my dick..." I pretended to shudder.
He grinned again. "So it's official, then."
I cleared my throat, and hesitated for a second before answering, "Yeah, I guess it is," and instantly I felt a little lighter.
We'd cleaned up, and had some more laughs at our behavior, until eventually I told him I needed to get home. I stood at his doorway, waiting for him to get my coat. I was actually feeling a little euphoric about all the revelations I had come to and was smiling lazily at him. He returned my smile, handing me my jacket and pulled me into a kiss.
"I know you imagined his hand, not mine," he said against my mouth. I pulled back, and felt the color drain from my face. "Don't, don't apologize. That's not why I said it. I'm okay with it, but this can't happen again. Can you understand that?"
We said goodbye, sharing one last kiss and I couldn't help thinking it was a different kind of goodbye other than 'I'll see you later.'
