I stared at the test in my hand, a cold knot settling in my stomach and tightening there. Positive. Absolutely, undeniably, disturbingly positive. My head slumped back against the bathroom wall, and I slid down it slowly, ending in a trembling heap on the floor. Hot tears burned against my eyelids, spilling over and leaving what felt like steaming trails down my cheeks. This wasn't supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen.
If you had been here, Daddy, I screamed silently. I wouldn't have felt like I needed to find acceptance elsewhere.
Derrick was a nice guy. At least, he was always nice to me. I had heard him talking to other guys, and he tended to be rude and sarcastic, even if he was just messing around. But I turned a deaf ear to it, and when he asked me out, I accepted. Wistfully, I remembered the months that I had been the envy of all the girls.
Struggling to my feet, I dumped the test in the trashcan and smoothed my hair in the mirror. Surely Derrick would understand. After all, this wasn't just my problem. Half of this was his fault.
I grabbed my cell phone as I headed into the kitchen and pressed his speed dial, drumming my fingers nervously on the table. It rang three times, then went to voicemail. I frowned and hung up, tears stinging my eyes again.
A text message buzzed into the phone, and I saw that it was from my boyfriend. I pushed "accept".
"Baby, I'm sorry, but I'm busy right now. What do you need?" it read, after translating the text lingo.
I narrowed my eyes and made a disgusted face, almost without realizing it. He was always busy lately. Never had time for me. Well, that was how it seemed, anyway. Dark thoughts threatened to come in, threatened to poison our relationship. I shook my head and tried to clear it, but those worries and insecurities infiltrated anyway.
Blinking through my tears, I managed a text message in reply. "Nothing. I was just hoping we could get together sometime." I swallowed convulsively, pausing a moment. Should I write it? Sucking in a deep breath, I continued. "There's something I'd like to talk to you about." Pressing "send," I sat back and waited. I didn't have to wait long. The phone came alive with his ringtone, only this time it was a call, not a message. My heart skipped a beat. Had he guessed already? With trembling fingers I accepted the call. "Hello?"
"Hey, Mandy, what's up?" His greeting sounded normal, but I thought I detected a note of something I couldn't quite name behind his tone. Something that didn't sound very friendly.
I swallowed again, trying not to cry while we were on the phone. "Oh, hi, Derrick. Um, nothing, really. I just wanted to talk some things over with you."
The line went silent, and I thought for a moment that he had hung up. He hadn't. "Mandy, those words are never a good thing in a relationship. What's going on?"
A forced laugh erupted from my lips. "Nothing really to worry about." I crossed my fingers behind my back as I said it, but continued. "It's just not something I'd like to talk about over the phone. Can we meet somewhere?"
Now I could definitely hear the frustration under his words. "Yeah, sure. But I hope you're right that it's nothing to worry about." He left that hanging ominously between us.
"Um, right. No, of course not. I just—uh—no, nothing to worry about. How about we meet at our park in say, oh, I don't know, a half hour?" A half hour should give me enough time to compose myself and decide how in the world I was going to tell him the awful news.
"Yep, sounds great. See ya then. Sorry, babe, I really have to go. Catch ya later." And then he hung up. I hadn't said a word.
xxxxxxx
Thirty minutes later, although it had felt like two or three hours, I showed up at the park, the one we had termed our own because of how much time we had spent there. I fought through the memories that haunted every alcove, every open expanse of grass and life, every inch of the walking path. Shaking my head slightly, and wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans for probably the tenth time, I sighed. Now was not the time to get lost in the trek down memory lane. There were much more important things at hand.
He was already there, leaning casually up against a large oak. The smile that he gave me when our eyes met was almost more than I could take, and it sent waves of warmth down my spine. Okay. I could do this. He loved me. It wouldn't ruin our relationship.
I continued to repeat that to myself as I tripped over the grass to him, and thrilled to how he swept me up in his arms. Leaning against him for a little while longer as I let his solid warmth infuse me, I grinned to myself. Yes, this was how I wanted to live my life. Accepted, wanted, loved by someone who honestly cared about me.
Much too soon, he pulled back. "Alright, Mandy. Now what is it?"
Fighting to not be hurt by his brusque tone, and blinking back tears for what seemed like the umpteenth time that day, I forced myself to gaze into his dark eyes. "Derrick—" My voice came out like a squeak. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Derrick, do you remember the first time we came to this park? How long it took us to make it all the way around on the walking path because we kept stopping to see something different?"
His expression clouded over with confusion, and his nose wrinkled just slightly. "Yeah. Why?"
I took his arm as I pointed over towards the great oak tree that we had spent so much time under, trying to look past his dismissive tone. "And over there, we were going to carve our initials in that tree, but then you looked up the penalty for destruction of what was considered public property." In spite of my nervousness, I couldn't repress a giggle. "We certainly weren't going to do it after that."
The memories that I was carefully unpacking and laying before him finally drew out one of his characteristic grins, and I felt the knot in my stomach uncurl, just a hint.
Finally, after I had reminded him of several instances of how much we enjoyed this park, he broke in. "Mandy, of course I remember all this. What are you trying to get at? Is there any reason you're just now bringing up all the good times we've had?"
"Is there a problem with bringing it up, Derrick? Why does it matter? Why can't I talk about it?" I realized belatedly that my tone sounded more hurt and irritated than I'd expected it to, and I looked down quickly, blinking against the emotions.
I felt his arms slip around my shoulders, and I melted against him. "Ok, babe. What's going on?"
"It's just—it's just…" I trailed off, and he squeezed me a little bit closer. "I'm pregnant, Derrick."
There it was. In all of its ugly truth. That hadn't been the way I'd wanted to tell him; but, then again, I hadn't really figured out how I'd wanted to tell him, anyway. As far as that went, I supposed just blurting it out was as good a way as any.
The instant the words left my mouth, his grip on my shoulders grew almost imperceptibly tighter, then went slack. He stepped back, dark eyes wide, jaw tense.
I reached up to stroke his cheek, and he almost flinched away from my touch.
When he spoke, he wouldn't look at me. "Mandy, uh, that's great. I mean, I'm sorry. But, I suppose I needed to tell you anyway…"
I stared at him in disbelief, my brain only catching fragments of what he was saying to me. Another girl. Not in love. He was sorry.
I don't want your apologies! my mind screamed. I want you to love me! What happened to forever?
Finally finding my voice again after being struck speechless by his admission, I managed out a few words. "Well, what about—what about—oh, you know?"
He cut me a sidewise glance, brows raised. "I hear there's a great clinic down the street that would be happy to help you with that," he muttered. "It's not exactly my problem."
At that, I couldn't take it anymore. "Not your problem? Derrick Taylor, half of this is your fault! How can you say this is not your problem?"
He shrugged, and I saw that cocky attitude he was so known for. "It's not," he told me simply, and walked away.
I couldn't say anything as he disappeared into his car and drove off down the street.
Thanks for reading! I hope you'll let me know your thoughts!
