My fingers trembled as I tried to fit the key in the lock, probably because of the good cry I had indulged in, sitting in the apartment parking lot. I just couldn't take it any more. Undoubtedly, my emotions were all out of whack because of the pregnancy, but even still. Today was my birthday, for Pete's sake! Today was the day I was supposed to be pampered and loved, right? Not shattered by an unwanted pregnancy and unexpectedly dumped by my boyfriend in favor of another girl. I took a shaky breath, fighting tears once more.

Finally managing to open the door, I tossed my purse onto the table, starting to head towards the bedroom when a beep from my phone drew my attention back. It took a few minutes to fish through my purse to find it, but I did and pulled it out to find a missed call from my mom. A sigh escaped, and I punched the buttons to listen to the voicemail.

"Hi, honey! Happy birthday! I hope you're having a wonderful day. Call me back, okay, sweetie? I miss you. Okay, um, well, I suppose I'll be going. Love you, Amanda. Happy birthday."

I quickly saved the message and pressed the end call button as the automated voice kicked in. Call her back? And talk about what? Ever since I had moved away to college, I knew that my calls were getting less and less frequent. But life had hit, and hard, unfortunately. I groaned and flopped back in my chair. Why did everything have to get so complicated so quickly?

"Sorry, Mom," I muttered, acting like I was actually talking to her. "Can't talk right now because I'm a blubbering mess. Oh, did I mention I'm pregnant? And just got dumped by my boyfriend?" The boyfriend she'd never met? "Yep, my birthday's going just dandy." I couldn't keep the sarcastic, bitter edge out of my voice, and my hand barely flew up in time to catch my head, plummeting toward the tabletop. She would be so disappointed to hear that Derrick and I had been messing around. No, I couldn't tell her. Couldn't call her back. I dropped the phone back into my purse and hurried away.

xxxxxxx

Monday came much too soon, and I couldn't help but feel as though everyone saw my scarlet letter as I walked down the hallway. Almost subconsciously, and yet protectively, I wrapped my arms around my abdomen.

"Hey, Mandy! What's up?"

I whirled to see one of my best friends, Amity, standing by the water fountain with a huge grin on her face. I couldn't help but grin back. I loved how she was always so glad to see me, regardless of the mood I was in, and generally, her enthusiasm was contagious.

"Hi, Am. I'm doing alright. How about you?"

She flashed me one of her characteristic smiles. "I'm doing fabulous, hon. Just fabulous. Hey, did I tell you? My sister is going to have a baby!"

I felt my face blanch, and I forced a smile, knowing that her older sister and her husband had wanted a child for some time. "Oh, that's great! Tell them I'm happy for them." I hoped my voice didn't sound as strained as it seemed it did.

"Oh, I sure will. Can you believe it, Mandy? I almost screamed when I found out. Do you think—" She cut off abruptly, and I shot her a sidewise glance, having been unable to make eye contact during her monologue. To my surprise, she was staring at me with a shocked expression.

"What?" I mumbled, unable to shake the thought that the look on my face had given everything away.

"My goodness, girl. What's wrong?"

I managed a wan smile. "Wrong? Why should something be wrong?"

"Amanda, you look terrible! Did you sleep alright last night?"

"Can you keep your voice down?" I hissed, feeling like I was going to be sick and afraid that the shriek in her tone was going to draw way more attention than I needed at the moment.

"What is wrong with you?" she whispered, having lowered her voice, though the genuine concern was still coloring her words.

"I don't want to talk about it, Am. I'll tell you later," I muttered.

She continued to watch me, eyes wide. "Okay," she replied softly, and I knew she would let it go—for now. Gently steering me towards our first class, she leaned over for one last comment. "I'm here, whenever you need me, Mandy. Just remember that."

The only response I could muster was a terse nod, wondering why I was still left with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

xxxxxxx

It seemed like the day could not go on any longer, but my last class was finally over, and I gathered my things quickly to head back to my apartment. Deciding to take the quieter, yet longer, walk to my car, I moved briskly along an outdoor corridor.

Suddenly, to my surprise, I noticed that I was not alone in the passageway. There, leaning against the brick wall, stood Derrick. My emotions immediately betrayed me as my heart leaped at the very sight of him.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, a smile I could not control lighting up my face. Maybe he had changed his mind, maybe—

He barely acknowledged me, and all my hopes and dreams came crashing down once more, along with them the stark remembrance of our last conversation.

"Derrick!"

I heard a squeal to my right, and a petite blonde ran in to meet him; I couldn't help but avert my eyes as he swooped her up in his arms, just like he'd done to me all those times. Biting my lip to hopefully stay the tears, I watched them walk away, arm in arm, and remembered all the things he'd promised and would never be.

xxxxxxx

"Sarah Martin?"

I saw the blonde with wide blue eyes two seats away from me nod her head slightly, and get up to follow the assistant into the back room. My mouth went dry—again, and for the third time in the past five minutes I wiped my palms against my jeans. I felt sick to my stomach, but knew that I couldn't go anywhere. Not if I ever wanted to show my face in public again. My name would be called soon, and then it would all be over. The shame, the hurt, the guilt. All of that would be sucked away with this—what did they call it? Blob of tissue? I took in a deep breath, hoping to calm my nerves. It didn't work.

The door wasn't far. I seriously considered a dash through it—and then I thought of my mom's disappointment and of the abandonment by my friends that had only begun with Derrick. Not even Amity, if she knew, would stand by me if I told her my secret.

"Trisha Steeley?" Another girl exited the room.

Much too soon, the assistant returned. "Amanda Bryant?"

I nodded and swallowed convulsively, standing and willing my legs not to turn to jelly. My turn. She led me from the lobby area to change into a sterile hospital gown, then directed me to what might be considered the operating room. I tried not to think about it.

The doctor smiled as I walked through the door, probably to attempt to seem friendly and calm my nerves. It the situation hadn't been so tense, I might have laughed out loud. This man smiling at me was not comforting in the least, since he was about to kill whatever was inside of me. His assistant had me lie down on the table, and fit my feet into the stirrups while the doctor explained their censored version of the procedure to me. She began to stroke my cheek, my hair, as tears started to stream down my face.

Jesus, if You can hear me, I'm sorry. I don't want to do this. I don't want to kill this child. Can You heal my hurts? Can You come and be a Father to the fatherless? Please come...

As soon as my mind spoke those words, I felt an overwhelming peace wash over me, and I knew I had to get out of here. Without thinking or asking, I sat up, getting off of the table. "I can't do this," I told the two others in the room, my voice catching in my throat. And without looking back, I walked out.

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