Disclaimer: I own nothing but the car in my driveway.

Things Bella Swan is Not Allowed to Do

1. Tell Jessica that Mike has the hotts for Tyler and that's why he dumped her.

2. 'Try' (key word: try) to seduce Edward with the aid of Jasper.

3. Claim Jasper made her all hot and bothered and she had to jump his bones.

4. Shred all of Rosalie and Alice's Gucci stuff with the help of Jacob.

5. Tell them that Emmett did it. Laugh and run when he chases Edward as he runs her piggy-back.

6. Purposely cut herself in front of Jasper and act offended when he attacks her.

7. Apply for a job at Wal-Mart just to piss off Alice because she signed Alice up as well.

8. Laugh at Alice while she is forced to work in the clothing department. Ha ha! She has to touch Wal-Mart cloths!

9. Squirt ketchup onto her hand and run into Emily's house with her hand holding her neck yelling "He bit me!" just to see what would happen.

10. Pretend to be asleep and start mumbling and moaning in pleasure then screaming out Jacobs or Mike's name or both at the same time.

11. Suck on a red lollipop in a tempting manner while with Edward and Charlie in the same room as you.

12. Give Edward a hand job under the lab table while in biology class. Act innocent when doing it. (I have a dirty mind. I give no apology.)

13. Yell 'Bite me!' at Edward in the cafeteria.

14. Pay an old man to have kinky thoughts about Edward and his brothers, including Mike. Ew!

15. Give M every guy sex eyes except Edward and the Cullen boys.

16. Walk up to mike and kiss him just to mess with him and Edwards heads.

17. Sleep in the nude for a night to scare the crap out of Edward when he crawls in to bed her.

18. Tell Charlie that Mike Newton tried to rape her.

19. Go cliff diving without safety.

20. Accept any type of sugar from anyone; especially Emmett.

21. Drink red bull, amp, or five our energy all together or separate.

(Starthevampire's idea's!)

22. Make herself extremely horny while Jasper is in the room.

23. Ask Jasper sexual questions about Maria in front of Alice.

24. Borrow and crash Jakes Volkswagen Rabbit without asking.

25. "Decide" to have sex with Mike while Alice and Edward are in the room.

26. Hit Jake over the head with a crowbar to get him to wake up.

27. Get "Barbie Girl" or "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" stuck in Alice and Emmett's head while Edward is around.

28. Build a tower out of Edward's cds while he is out hunting.

29. Tell Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory that Edward wants them.

30. Have Charlie arrest one of the Cullens.

31. Ask Carlisle to give her the sex talk only vampire version while everyone else is in the house.

32. Ask Charlie to borrow his gun. When he asks why say that you want to see if it works on Jacob.

33. Tell Rose she is ugly.

34. Hang around the wolves all day so she smells like them and then go sleepover at the Cullen's.

35. Give Alice a makeover from hell.

36. Bring Emmett to Chuckie Cheese.

37. Get Jake to help cut up all of Alice's credit cards.

38. Blame it on Rose.

39. Tell her a good retaliation would be to cut up Rose's credit cards.

40. When Rose gets mad, tell her a good retaliation would be to destroy Alice's new wardrobe.

41. Tell Alice that Edward wants to go shopping.

42. Hang out in La Push all day and when Edward asks why don't look him in the eye and say nothing nervously.

43. Convince Alice that cardboard is the new fashion trend.

44. Tell Emmett that Jacob and Mike think that Rose is hot and are always having fantasies about what it would be like to have sex with her while making sure to describe said fantasies in detail.

45. Convince Edward to help with number 44.

46. Tell Jazz he is an emo.

48. Convince Jasper to try and cut himself.

49. Tell Jazz that you do not support the confederates and you think that they all should have died.

50. Get Alice's help to convince Emmett that sex is now illegal.

51. Convince the Cullens to eat human food.

52. Convince Emmett that he can become dictator of the world.

(She's genius, right!)

53. Crack blond jokes with Jacob when Rosalie is in the room.

54. Call Alice a midget.

55. When she freaks and becomes pissed say "Sorry, you prefer to be called 'little people', right?"

56. Tell Alice the pack wants a whole new wardrobe.

57. Ask Charlie to tell her about the birds and the bees just to see him squirm.

58. Tell Renée that she going to be a grandma and that the baby is for Phil.

60. Tell Charlie and Edward that she is pregnant and that the baby's daddy is Mike.

61. Replace all of Edward cds with Weird Al albums.

62 blame Emmett for the act.

63. Convince the Cullen women to with hold sex for month.

64. Where skimpy clothing whiles the Cullen men are home.

65. Come home from a date with Edward crying and sobbing.

66. When Charlie asks what happened sob-cry, "EDWARD WANT TOUCH ME!!!" and run up stairs crying loudly.

67. Call Rosalie fat and poke her invisible fat folds.

68. Eat gassy foods before bed and fat all night in her sleep.

70. Pretend to be asleep in a class that she has with Emmett, Edward, Alice, Jasper and Mike. Then, start moaning 'Jasper, make me feel good…' and send out lust.

71. Sleep talk with Emmett and Mike's name with the words gay and sex in the same sentence.

72. Declare her gay love for Alice and that Edward is her second choice.

73. Say that Jessica had a sex change and her name was Steve Hunter her sleep.

74. Tell Edward that Jacob imprinted on Emmett and is just denying his true feelings.

75. Dress up has an evil vampire and go down to La Push.

76. Declare a random day 'nudist day' and walk around town naked.

77. Beat Edwards Volvo with a bat.

78. Hide the Bat in Emmett Closet.

79. Tell Rosalie that Jacob has imprinted on her and picks on her to get her attention.

All the Cullen sat in that living room as they went over the list.

"Is that everything?" Alice asked as she balled up her Wal-Mart work vest and trough it in to the fire place.

Edward taught for a moment only to be disrupted by the girly screams coming from the back yard. They all ran to the back yard to see Jacob on the ground withering pain as he held is crouch.

"What happened?" All of them asked at once. He just lifted his shaky hand to point at Bella who looked shocked as she held an aluminum bat. They all look at her shocked and she said,

"What I didn't think it would really hurt him I was just curious!"

As Esme ran inside for an ice pack Carlisle grabbed the list and wrote down number eighty and hung it on the wall in the living room for everyone to see.

80. Hit Jacob in the nuts with an aluminum bat just to see if will hurt him.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this list. I have to recover from my butt cramp before I continue. Ha! Send ideas for vampire Bella!

Review!