Author's Note: "Wibbly Wobbly", Part I.
Summary for this short story: The Doctor meets Riley Finn.
This story includes what might be one of the best one-liners I've ever written: "'This might be the first time I've been forced, at gunpoint, to take a bath,' the Doctor said. 'I'm glad you think so much of my personal hygiene.'"
Wibbly Wobbly
Part I
.
Donna and the Doctor kept coming back.
Dawn liked it when they arrived. Donna was funny, and loud, and liked shopping and all sorts of stuff. And, to be completely honest, Dawn thought that Buffy should ditch Riley and run off with the Doctor, because Buffy and the Doctor obviously had way more in common. Plus, it would be really cool to crash on her sister's couch when said couch was in a super-duper time machine.
They'd shown up last night, when Buffy was off with Riley. That had been hilarious. The Doctor had acted all scared around Mom, and Donna had been making fun of him all throughout dinner, and Mom had been… well, her normal Mom-self. Which was to say, she'd been the least threatening person ever. Which just made the Doctor even more scared of her, and it got funnier and funnier every minute.
Then the Doctor had discovered some unknown energy trace, which meant that he and Donna had been off bright and early that morning to track it down.
Buffy had stayed out all night with Riley.
Dawn started pouring out the cereal into little bowls on the countertop. Well, it was Buffy's loss. One less opportunity for Buffy to make little kissy faces at the Doctor, one less opportunity for Buffy to be all moon-faced and Riley to get all jealous.
"Honestly, Dawn, how many bowls of cereal are you planning on eating?" her mom asked.
Dawn reached into the cereal box. "Oh, these aren't for eating. I'm just trying to get the extra out of the way so I could…" she pulled out the little sticker prize from inside the box, and waved it at her mom, "get this!" She sat down, examining the sticker more carefully. "Anyways, I want eggs."
"You want the cereal prize, but you don't want the cereal," said her mom. "You are growing up." Her mom grabbed the spatula. "All righty. Half an omelet coming up." She scooped the omelet onto the plate.
"Oh, with ketchup, please," said Dawn.
"Mhm," said her mom, picking up the plates and walking over to Dawn.
Then Dawn's mom stopped, in the center of the kitchen. As if something had just come over her. She winced.
"What is…?" she looked up at Dawn, suddenly confused. "Who are you?"
And then she collapsed.
The moment Buffy got the call from Dawn, she and Riley headed over to the hospital. Buffy looked pretty freaked, and Riley wasn't really sure what he could say that would calm her down. The moment they got to the hospital — before they'd even pulled into the parking lot — Buffy's eyes went wide, and she turned to Riley.
"Riley, wait, we forgot insurance!" Buffy told him. "Dawn's the one who brought Mom here, and she would never have remembered to bring the medical insurance information, so it must still be at the house. If we don't have that, I mean, what if they can't operate, or something, and she's just sitting around dying because we didn't have insurance, and…"
Riley was about to argue, possibly point out that, technically, in California, doctors had to operate on anyone that came into the emergency room, insurance or no. But… honestly… Riley was just as happy to have a good excuse to leave Buffy here and investigate Buffy's mom's illness on his own.
(Because whatever answers existed, Buffy wasn't going to find them in a hospital.)
"Relax," said Riley. "If you give me the keys to your house, I can swing by and pick up anything you need. Now go and see your sister."
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief and handed Riley the keys to her house, describing in detail where the information would be, even as she was climbing out of the car. Then, without even finishing her sentence, she raced to the hospital.
Riley headed back to the Summers residence. He knew what was really going on, even if he didn't know exactly how to break the news to Buffy. And his suspicions were only confirmed when he saw the big blue Police Box sitting on the front lawn of Buffy's house.
Riley went inside Buffy's house, and, finding no one, went off to gather the insurance information. Then he heard the buzz of the sonic screwdriver, followed by the Doctor's voice ringing through the air. Riley felt for the gun he'd begun carrying with him, ever since Buffy had mentioned someone was trying to kill him.
And he knew what he had to do.
Dawn sat out in the hallway of the hospital, knocking her shoes together, hands in her lap. She was clearly trying to act brave, but the worry shone through in her eyes. She glanced up at Buffy.
"Hey," she said.
Buffy rushed over to her, crouching by her sister. "Any news?"
"Nope," said Dawn. She banged her feet together, again. "Where's Riley?"
"He's back at the house," said Buffy. "Getting the insurance information."
Dawn froze. "The house?"
"Yeah," said Buffy.
"Our house?"
"Yeah."
Dawn nodded, very slowly. "He's been carrying a gun with him, recently, right? Because of the Excalibur thing?"
Buffy's eyes went wide. "The Doctor?"
"He came last night," said Dawn. "While you were off with Riley. He and Donna were gone all this morning, hunting down some evil whatever thing. But they could show up any minute, and if Riley's there…"
Buffy remembered. What the Doctor had told her, in his own future. The day the Doctor met Riley, Riley tried to kill him. And this particular Doctor, with Donna, was young enough that he hadn't met Riley, yet. Which meant… if this was the first time they met…
Buffy turned, and ran.
The Doctor had been expecting people at Buffy's house, so he was rather surprised, upon his return, to discover no people. And a locked door. He buzzed the door with his sonic, and let himself inside. Sure enough, no one.
Not the sound of Dawn mouthing off to her mother, not the sound of Joyce cooking breakfast, not even the sound of Buffy telling Dawn to stop being annoying and leave her alone. The house was almost completely silent.
"Oi," said Donna. "Do you normally wander around, breaking into your friends' houses? That could be considered stalking, you know!"
"Stalking?" asked the Doctor. "More like breaking and entering, I'd think." He stepped further inside the house, and frowned. "Except… there's someone else here. I can tell."
"That some sort of Time Lordy sixth sense of yours?" Donna asked him.
"No," said the Doctor. "I can hear the footsteps." He swung around, just in time to be clobbered on the head with the butt of a pistol. He fell, as the world faded into black around him.
"Get up!" the voice snapped, as the Doctor felt a stinging sensation on his face.
The Doctor's eyes snapped open, shifted around to take in his surroundings. Oh. Brilliant. He was tied up, and lying, apparently, in the bathtub. Which probably meant that someone was trying to kill him, and wanted to be able to clean up the mess, afterwards.
Probably the man he was looking at, right now.
The man he was looking at was tall, well built, with blond hair and blue eyes. But his face looked far too pale, his eyes crazed, his lips twitching as he glared at the Doctor with — was that hatred? Oh, yes. That was a look the Doctor knew far too well. It was pure loathing.
And therefore it was only natural that the man would have a gun. Which he did. Pointed at the Doctor.
"This might be the first time I've been forced, at gunpoint, to take a bath," the Doctor said. "I'm glad you think so much of my personal hygiene."
"I'm going to kill you," the man said.
The Doctor sighed. "It's never the nice option, is it?" he asked.
"I always thought there was something good in you," the man said. "I always thought that it didn't matter if she was in love with you, because at least you were one of the good guys. But then I heard that you were out to kill me."
Oh, dear. This person very clearly knew him, and was quite mad at him. For something he hadn't done, yet. Which was always a bit sticky to explain to non-time-traveling humans.
"Actually, not out to kill you," said the Doctor. "Since I don't know who you are. Time travel, and all that. I'm the—"
"I know you aren't trying to kill me!" the man shouted. "It was when I figured out who you were trying to kill that I knew what I had to do! Because Buffy may think you're above killing her family members, but I don't."
Uh, oh.
"Ah, I see," said the Doctor. "You know, as reasons to kill me go, that's actually not a bad one." He gave the man a cold, steady glare. "What have you done to Donna?"
"Who?"
"Donna," said the Doctor. "My friend. The one I came in with. She has nothing to do with any of this, you know. She was trying to stop me."
"She's fine," said the man. "I had to gag her to get her to stop shouting at me, but she's fine. I'm not going to hurt her. You're the only one I'm going to kill."
"Right," said the Doctor. His mind was still racing, trying to work out how to get out of this. He had managed to slip one hand into his trouser pocket, but he couldn't find the sonic.
The man held out the familiar tool in front of the Doctor, in his non-gun-holding hand. "Looking for this?"
Well, then. Whoever this was knew him pretty well, it seemed.
"I cleared everything out of your pockets," said the man, lowering the sonic. "No way for you to escape. And no one's coming to rescue you, not this time. They're all on the way to the hospital, trying to undo the damage you've already done."
"The hospital?" asked the Doctor. Had something happened to Dawn? He'd seen her only last night, and she'd been perfectly fine. If someone was trying to frame him for murder, though, they were doing an awfully good job. "Is she all right?"
"I don't know," said the man. "You tell me."
"Killing me isn't going to fix anything," the Doctor urged. "Killing me isn't going to make her better. I can help."
"I've had enough of your helping," said the man. "I don't trust you."
Yes, the Doctor had worked that out, due to the gun.
"And besides," said the man, "killing you might not make her feel better. But it would certainly perk up my day."
Hm. There was a lot of talking, and not a whole lot of shooting going on, right now. Which was very good for the Doctor, because he was hoping that Donna could find a way to get free, wherever she'd wound up, and come and rescue him.
If this whoever he was wanted to talk, the Doctor was only too happy to comply.
"Well, if you're going to kill me, at least let me die well-informed," said the Doctor. "Any chance of a name? Species? Planet of origin?"
"Human!" the man shouted. "Don't you know who I am?" His face went red, angry. "Me! The guy whose girlfriend you've been trying to steal!"
"Girlfriend?" asked the Doctor. He quirked an eyebrow. "You don't look much like Mickey. Although, granted, idiot and all that."
"Riley!" the man — Riley, the Doctor supposed — shouted. "Riley Finn!"
"And you know me, but I don't know you," the Doctor checked. "I see. You do realize that—"
"You've been making my life a living hell since the day I met you," said Riley. "Always making sure Buffy knows how much smarter than me you are, how much more capable than me you are, how much better you are at saving the world than I am. Always taking her away from me! Letting her tie you up in her bed!"
"Sorry, letting her do what?" the Doctor asked.
"I know she's in love with you," said Riley. "Everything you said, all that bullshit about a telepathic instinct and a very close friendship — I can't believe I ever fell for that. You're all she ever thinks about. All she ever cares about. All her greatest fears and greatest aspirations revolve around you! While you're still around, I'm always going to be second best. Just human. Just the one she's settled for. While you're still around, she'll never love me the way she should."
Brilliant. He wasn't going to be shot for a good reason, like nearly killing Dawn. He was being shot by a jealous boyfriend. Who, very clearly, didn't understand that the Doctor hadn't actually lived through any of that, yet.
"You do realize I haven't actually—" the Doctor tried, but Riley cut him off.
"You said she wouldn't compromise her own morals for anyone or anything," said Riley. "But you know what? I've found the one exception. You. If you ever showed up and said, 'hey, Buffy, I'm going to destroy the world,' she'd probably help you do it!"
"Oh, dear. You're completely barmy," said the Doctor.
"She was prepared to kill me!" Riley shouted. "When you told her that I was hoarding a dangerous mythical sword, she was fully and completely prepared to kill me. Her boyfriend! The man she should love! Don't you see? You tell her to kill someone, and she does it. No questions asked! A sweet, wonderful girl, and you're turning her into your own personal murderer!"
Ouch. That stung a wee bit more than Riley could know. Other timeline and whatnot. Not that it was true in this timeline, of course.
"Right. Yes. I see," said the Doctor. "You wouldn't, by any chance, happen to be mildly psychotic, would you? Because, see, it would explain quite a lot — outside of reality and all that…"
"What is it about you that makes her love you so much more than me?" Riley demanded. "What is it you're doing that I'm not? Is it the vampire blood-drinking thing? Is it not being human? Is it the time machine? Because I've got your TARDIS key, now. Not here, of course. I hid it, so you couldn't get away. But as soon as you're dead, I can be the one with the time machine."
Yep. Completely barmy.
"You know, you probably should have stopped after the 'killing family members' reason," said the Doctor. "That was an incredibly good reason to kill me. The others are a bit of a letdown. And, to be honest, they make you sound increasingly mad."
"You want to know why I'm really killing you?" asked Riley. "It's because you're evil. And I hate you."
"Ah, yes, that I noticed," said the Doctor.
"I hate you!" Riley shouted again. "Do you have any idea how much I hate you? I hate you more than anyone else ever has or ever will!"
"Well, I'm fairly certain the Slitheen would disagree with you on that," said the Doctor. "As would a rather sassy trampoline from the year five billion. And Sutekh. And Magnus Greel, for that matter. In fact, on a cosmic scale, Riley Finn, you don't actually hate me all that much." He gave a grin, and a wink.
Riley seethed.
"Oh, don't take it personally," said the Doctor. "I am a notoriously obnoxious person. All sorts of people hate me. The original evil from before the dawn of time tried to possess my body, out of spite. The Master destroyed the world just to watch me suffer. And Elizabeth tricked me into killing 38,000 innocent people because she wanted to prove exactly how much she hated me."
"38,000," said Riley. "The population of Sunnydale, you mean?"
Oh. Right. That had probably been a bad example to use.
"And you call Buffy Elizabeth, don't you?" Riley continued. He gave a bitter laugh. "I knew I was right to kill you."
"Ah, actually, different Elizabeth, different timeline," the Doctor explained. "Different Sunnydale. Not even remotely the same as this one — well, I say not even remotely the same, except the two timelines are linked, which means that a very large number of people are still going to die in 2003 in Sunnydale, at least partially because of what I did in the other one, even if it was a trap from the get-go, and…"
Riley clicked the safety off the gun.
"…you're going to shoot me, now," the Doctor concluded.
This wasn't exactly how the Doctor had imagined this incarnation dying. He certainly wouldn't have chosen to die in a bathroom. Or be shot by a madman. Or have his death be a massive temporal paradox.
And if he'd known he was going to die, he would certainly not have taken Donna along.
(He hoped she was all right.)
Riley's finger pressed a little down on the trigger.
"Ah, ah, I wouldn't do that," said the Doctor. "See, you're killing me because of things I haven't done, yet. Moment I die, you'll have a massive universe-destroying paradox on your hands."
"You always say that!" Riley snapped at him (although, the Doctor noted, he had relaxed his trigger finger, so that was a step in the right direction). "Every time you do something horrible, after every person you kill, you're always going on about time this and paradox that. Well, you know what? I think you're lying! About all of it! Creating evil maniacal killing machines, allowing government institutions to be slaughtered, destroying Buffy's life — I'm not going to let you techno-babble your way out of any of it, anymore. You're worse than any vampire Buffy's ever killed, and you deserve to die."
The Doctor moved, slightly, so he could align himself on the correct trajectory to head-butt Riley out of the way and escape to freedom, but Riley caught the movement. With his free hand, he pinned the Doctor's shoulder down to the bathtub's sloped edge, holding the Doctor in place.
"And Buffy Summers would agree with that, then?" asked the Doctor. He wasn't exactly sure how much telepathic stuff Buffy could pick up when he used her name, or how far the trick worked, but perhaps this would let her know that he was in a wee bit of trouble, and would greatly appreciate a timely rescue. "That you should kill me?"
"That I should eliminate a threat to her family?" asked Riley. "Yes. She would. Killing you will make her love me, again."
"Yes, because human women are always terribly attracted to the men who leave dead bodies in their bathtubs!" said the Doctor. "Why didn't I think of that before? It's an absolutely brilliant plan."
"Are you making fun of me?" Riley demanded.
"Well, perhaps a little," the Doctor confessed. "Although, to be fair, you are asking for it. And I am a thoroughly obnoxious person. As I mentioned before!"
Riley seethed at him, the veins sticking out of his neck.
"Listen, I understand that killing me would make your life complete," the Doctor told him. "But, well, look at you! Pale skin, beady eyes, unhealthy pupil dilation, and your pulse is probably skyrocketing. Looks like you need a bit of bed rest and a nice bowl of chicken soup, Riley Finn. So, why not put off killing me until you're nice and healthy, yes? That way, you can truly relish the feeling of accomplishment when you tie me up and shoot me in your girlfriend's bathtub."
"Stop that!" Riley shouted. He waved the gun closer to the Doctor's face. "Why aren't you afraid of me? You should be afraid of me! I have a loaded gun in my hand, and I'm going to kill you with it!"
"Well, yeah, but, see, thing is, I come face to face with loaded guns every day," said the Doctor. "It's extremely rare for me to go anywhere in the universe where people aren't trying to kill me. In fact, this isn't even the closest I've come to death today!"
Riley examined him, carefully. "I see. You think if I shoot you, you can just come back to life. You think I don't know about regeneration. But I do. And I also know that Buffy's always really worried about things happening to your brain. So I'm guessing," shifting the aim of the gun to the Doctor's temple, "the best way to kill you for good is to shoot your head off. Afraid now?"
Well, slightly more alarmed would probably be a more accurate description. Apparently, Riley Finn knew rather a lot about him. And when would Riley have learned about regeneration?
"Think about what you're doing, Riley Finn," the Doctor urged, in his most soothing tone of voice. "You don't really want to kill me. Something is making you sick, psychotic. I know you aren't really a murderer."
"It doesn't count as murder," Riley growled, "when the thing you're shooting isn't human! I know what you are. Hostile non-terrestrial. Killing you is just… pest control." He gave the Doctor a pointed look. "Extermination."
Okay, yes, that was far, far more alarming to the Doctor. Because the way Riley said it, the Doctor was certain Riley knew exactly what it meant. No, not just that. The Doctor was sure that Riley had heard Daleks use that phrase before.
"That made you scared," Riley noted.
"Well, yes, actually, it did," the Doctor confessed. "Because, see, you shouldn't know about Daleks. And it's fairly clear that you've…"
That was when the Doctor heard the front door slam open, downstairs. And he knew he was in trouble.
Riley's eyes flicked over to the door of the bathroom. It was locked, but that wasn't going to hold for very long. The Doctor knew what this meant for Riley. Riley had to decide, right here and now, whether he was going to go through with it. Because whoever had just entered the house was about to find Donna. And Donna would tell them exactly what Riley was up to.
Sure enough, the loud, brassy voice of Donna Noble pierced through the air, a few seconds later, shouting about a madman in the bathroom with a gun.
And both the Doctor and Riley recognized the voice that answered Donna.
Riley's hand shook, as he pressed the gun against the Doctor's temple. Footsteps up the stairs, and then banging on the door.
"Riley!" came Buffy's voice. "Riley, stop!"
The door to the bathroom rattled. Riley hesitated, then took in a deep breath, and seemed to make up his mind.
"Goodbye, Doctor," Riley said.
The door was kicked open, and Buffy flew at Riley, jerking his hand up as he fired. The bullet lodged into the side of the bathtub, just above the Doctor's head. Well, that was good. This would have been a horribly embarrassing way to die, all things considered.
Buffy wrestled Riley to the floor, trying to get the gun out of his hands. The Doctor couldn't quite see them past the edge of the tub, as they flailed around on the floor.
Donna ran in behind Buffy, edging towards the Doctor and untying him.
"So, Spaceman," said Donna. "What has this taught us about flirting with Earth girls who already have boyfriends?"
"Flirting?" the Doctor said, trying to shake circulation into his hands and legs. "Flirting? So far, I've told her that there's nothing good left in her, that I was a mass murderer, that she should stop trusting me, that I was her worst enemy, and that she was going to try to kill me. I'm not sure I could have sounded less flirty if I'd tried!"
"Oi, don't look at me, Sunshine," said Donna. "You're the one tied up in the…"
A loud gunshot echoed through the bathroom, and Donna fell to the ground.
"Donna?" the Doctor cried. He jumped up to his feet. "Donna?"
Buffy managed to grab the gun out of Riley's hands, as Riley stared at Donna, in complete shock, his jaw hanging open.
"I… I didn't mean to…" he started.
"You didn't have to kill her!" the Doctor shouted. "She was innocent! She didn't have anything to do with this! You should have killed me!"
"Doctor, she's still alive," said Buffy, feeling for a pulse. She tried to apply pressure to the gunshot wound. She glanced over at Riley. "Call for an ambulance!"
Riley just stood there, clear horror on his face, unable to move.
"Riley!" Buffy screamed at him.
That seemed to snap Riley to his senses, and he raced out of the bathroom and down the stairs.
The Doctor crouched down by Donna, and tried to soothe her, telling her she was going to be okay, but she was completely out. He looked up at Buffy.
"TARDIS," he said. "There are hospitals in the future. I could make sure…"
Then he remembered that Riley had his TARDIS key. And had hidden it somewhere. Somewhere, the Doctor was guessing, he wasn't going to reveal.
"The hospital here is closer," said Buffy. "And more reliable in terms of driving. Don't worry. She's going to be fine."
The Doctor glared at the open door to the bathroom. "He really your boyfriend?" he asked.
Buffy nodded. "He's… he's nice. Usually. He's really…"
The Doctor fixed his eyes back on Buffy. The bloody body of Donna Noble cradled in his arms, the gun still warm in Buffy's hands, the ropes that had once restrained the Doctor discarded over the side of the bathtub.
He said nothing. He didn't need to.
Buffy bit her lip, and looked away.
