A/N: ok here is Charlie! Some of them are from when Bella is human and after her change. Enjoy!
Things Charlie Swan Is Not Allowed To Do
1. Run around the woods carrying his guns while rolling around humming the mission impossible theme song.
2. Try to arrest Edward for possession.
3. Pull-over Mike Newton and make him dance and sing 'let me entertain you'. (A/N: from Ella Enchanted.)
4. Drink after midnight.
5. Hit on any of the Cullen's while drunk.
6. Watch Charlie's Angles re-runs.
7. Try to make his own porn version of Charlie's Angels with the whores on the corner.
8. Ask Carlisle to be Bosley.
9. Watch porn when he thinks Bella's asleep.
10. Bring out Bella's naked baby pictures.
11. Sell Bella's embarrassing home movies to Emmett.
12. Call Renée just to breath into the receiver to freak her out.
13. Make a voo-doo doll of Phil or Edward.
14. Tried to be cool or hip like the kids.
15. Install web-cams into Bella's room to spy on her.
16. Falsely accuse Edward of pimping.
17. Hire the prostitutes from number 7 to be Edward 'girls'.
(starthevampire)
18. Announce his true feelings for Carlisle while drunk at the reception of Bella's wedding.
19. Arrest Edward for something ridiculous.
20. Arrest Jake for indecency and tell him to wear more clothes even if he is part wolf.
21. Use his police cruiser to get donuts faster.
22. No installing motion sensors near Bella's bed.
23. No inventing crimes so it can seem like he is doing something.
24. No showing Edward what could happen if he and Bella did anything. (A/N: from starthevampire: I was just watching a show and this guy came to get this girl and the dad showed him all these pictures of all the diseases you can get. It was so funny.)
25. Refuse to talk to Edward since he does not eat donuts.
26. Ask Alice about what Edward and Bella do at the Cullens.
27. Hire a private investigator to follow Edward and Bella.
28. Hum the cops theme whenever he walks into a room.
29 Dress as a pig for Halloween.
30. Send Bella on a trip to a convent.
31. Ask Edward if he will become a monk.
32 Ask Bella if she will become a nun.
33. Set Bella up on a date with Mike Newton.
34. Leave fish bait in his pockets for when Bella does laundry.
35. Hire the La Push kids to kidnap Bella and take her somewhere far away.
36. Handcuff Jake and Bella together.
37. Use Jake for the police K 9 force.
38. Feed Jake dog food.
39 Have Jake registered as a pedo.
40. Have Billy sent to an insane asylum.
41. Cook.
42. Ask Emmett about what Bella and Edward do. (A/N from Star: I am sure Emmett will definitely NOT ease any worries.)
43. Try to convince Bella that Edward is gay.
44. Try to talk Billy into disowning Jake.
45. Try to get Edward sent away to join the army or something of the sort.
46. Tell Edward that Bella died.
47. Threaten everyone with a water gun or one of those ones with the suction cup darts.
48. Try to talk grownups version of teen which sort of sounds like gansta.
49. Ask Bella repeatedly why Edward does not invite her on his camping trips.
50 Tell Bella she was engaged to marry Jake since he was born.
51. Get two pet pigs and name them Rosco and Boss Hogg.
52. Tell Jake he's a good puppy.
53. Put Police tape all over the house.
54. Don't leave a spoon in the microwave causing it to explode. (A/N from Star:That happened in one of the fanfics I read. Bella was on the phone and was like 'You blew up the microwave?!')
55. Get dog catchers after Jake.
56. Give Jake dog biscuits and say 'Who's a good boy?'.
57. Try to play fetch with Jake.
58. Use gummy worms when fishing...it could attract something other than fish.
59. Ask Jake if he has fleas.
60. Visit at Edward and Bella's cottage.
61. Put a penalty on Jake's bike.
62. Ask Jake why he isn't cute like other puppies.
63. Put Jake, Edward, Emmett, Jasper, and Mike Newton all in the same cell.
64. Make a video of what happens and put it on YouTube.
65. Try to find out why everyone is always talking about evil cheerios and gummy bears.
67. Then when he finds out try to arrest everyone's cereal.
(End of star!)
68. Treat Jake like he's Lassie.
69. Make Jacob a vet appointment.
70. Dance to disco in the basement.
71. Eat cheese before bed.
72. Think of Edwards's murder.
75. Arrest Mike Newton and put him with Bubba the jails 'friendliest' inmate.
76. Force Paul to take anger management classes.
77. Prank call the judge saying I know what you do in secret.
78. Buy Jake a flea comb and flea shampoo.
79. Buy Jacob a doggie sweater.
80. Put dye Jacob's shampoo. (Picture on profile, to see what his fur would look like.)
81. Skin rabbits in front of Bella and Edward.
82. Buy Bella a chastity belt.
83. Buy Jake a leash.
84. Hit a Sue Clearwater after the death of her husband.
85. Buy a guard dog and train it to hate Edward.
86. Give Nessie caffeine and sugar; just watch her bounce off the walls.
87. Give mobsters the kiss of death.
88. Put hot sauce on Bella's slices of pizza.
89. Impound Edwards Volvo.
90. Tell Renée Bella's on her death bed just to see her.
91. Gamble life savings in Vegas.
92. Eat Emmett's jerky surprise; the surprise is its bear jerky.
93. Hang up Bella's naked baby pictures.
94. Try to sale Jake to government scientist.
95. Do an illegal search of the Cullen's mansion; in other words don't piss off Esme.
96. Train Boss Hogg and Rosco to be attack pigs.
97. Buy Nessie baby pig as a pet and name him Hammy; Emmett will drain him. (A/N: I had a pet pig! My uncle ate him for Christmas!!!)
98. Slice all the Cullen's tires.
99. Give Bella the condom talk along with Edward; record to give to Emmett, for a fee of course.
Bella's POV:
I am so ashamed right now it's sad. My own father has the maturity of….well lower than Emmett and that is sad! I looked over to Edward. He was crushing the tape that Charlie gave Emmett back before I married Edward twenty years ago.
"That better be the last copy Emmett!" Edward threatened. Emmett looked like a five year old who was in trouble.
"tttthhatts t-he-e la-st one!" He stuttered out and hid behind Rose. I lowered my shield and thought, 'pussy!' Edward laughed and stopped suddenly.
"Oh my god, that is way more than what I ever wanted to see of my father-in-law!!" Edward screamed as he ran to the bathroom and promptly though up.
Jacob walked in with a horror stuck look on his face, with Nessie at his side holding my grandbaby.
"What's wrong and why is you father puking." Nessie took my hand and showed me an image of Charlie naked in the ocean. With that I joined Edward in puking.
After the puke fest I wrote down number one hundred.
100. No skinny dipping in the ocean near first beach.
A/N:
Hope you enjoyed!!! I bet you want to know what sex the baby is huh? Well where's the mystery in that?!!! Read and review my pretties!! No update till I get 15 reviews! Next is Emmett and Jasper together. It's juicy!
