Author's Note: "Patrol".
Short Story Summary: The Doctor and Donna sub for Buffy on patrol.
More action, this time. Still not the best story in this set. I love the beginning, but the end wasn't really as much fun as I thought. "Popcorn Moments" is way better.
I really wonder what the story is behind the Doctor being in Glory's Hell Dimension.
Patrol
.
Buffy bent over the books in the Magic Shop, still trying to figure out what, exactly, she was facing. Glory, or Glorifi-whatever. Angry woman, red dress.
"I'm coming up empty," said Buffy, slamming the book shut.
"I thought the Doctor already told you what she was," said Xander.
"Yeah, but after he got to the fifth 14-syllable word, I kind of tuned him out," said Buffy.
"Willow's smart," said Xander. "Tell it to her."
Willow looked up from her spot around the circular table. She gave a hopeful grin.
"Okay," said Buffy. "Apparently, Glory is a twelfth-dimensional something condensing into a 3-dimensional something else, using something to do something, and now something's happening, and it's really, really bad, and the Doctor doesn't get how or why, except it's definitely, definitely something."
Willow gave a half shrug. "So… Glory's something?"
"You know, that's one thing about the Doctor," said Xander. "He might be a jerk, but he can something you into next year."
Buffy checked her watch. "I better head home soon. You guys able to do patrol tonight, if I ask Riley to pitch in?"
"I wouldn't bother with Riley," said Willow.
"Riley hasn't been terribly… punctual, of late," Giles explained.
"Punctual?" said Xander. "Try 'there at all'."
Buffy gave a small sigh. "I've got to stay with Mom," she said. "She really needs me. I mean…"
There was a jangle of a bell, and two familiar faces walked into the Magic Box. The Doctor was grinning, ear to ear, as he noticed them all. Donna was snapping something about the Magic Box being a real disappointment, as it wasn't bigger on the inside, and "Magic Box? Tarnis? Why does every bloody thing we run across, this year, sound like it was named by some twisted Doctor fan club?"
"Well, look who it is!" said Xander. "King of the somethings."
The Doctor's grin faltered. "Sorry?"
"We were just trying to figure out who Glory was," said Willow. "And Buffy's paraphrasing of your explanation didn't really help."
"Ah, well, it's quite simple, really," said the Doctor. "Glory is a twelfth-dimensional being — which is utterly impossible, seeing as they all fled during the Time War — condensed inside a three dimensional body which is discontinuous upon the seventh dimension, depending on the variant coefficient inside the multiple binary structure of—"
"Okay, I'm starting to understand the problem, here," said Xander.
Willow just gave a completely blank look.
"But you see, that's her weakness!" said the Doctor. "It's brilliant! A nearly perfect prison with one small imperfection, but if you solve all the equations, everything checks out."
"Oh," said Willow. "We were talking about prisons?"
"Terribly sorry to interrupt," said Giles to the Doctor. "But you mentioned a weakness."
"Ah, yes," said the Doctor. "The discontinuity along the seventh dimension. It varies directly based on the amount of mental energy absorbed, with an exponential decrease in—"
"Oi!" said Donna. "English, Doctor. Not Spaceman."
"It's…" the Doctor faltered. "Sometimes, Glory… well, I suppose the best way to describe it is that her twelfth dimensional self internalizes, causing an alternative three dimensional being to take its place, one with a distinctive—"
"That was the English version?" Buffy asked.
Xander made a hand gesture. "Dumb it down another notch."
The Doctor frowned, in concentration. "Sometimes, Glory isn't Glory," he said.
Everyone looked at everyone else.
"Huh?" asked Buffy.
"Well, she is," the Doctor explained. "Only, she's not. Except, she might be a he. Or perhaps he might be a she. Or perhaps they both turn into a blue genderless fungus from Katrozina 5, except probably not, because you lot would probably have noticed something like that. But in that state, the being that is Glory — except not Glory — pokes into enough of our visible dimensions in this reality that you can…" He looked around at the confused faces nearby. "Still nothing?"
Willow just shrugged, her blank look remaining.
"I get that Glory's bad," Buffy offered. "And that you're really worried about her. And you might have found a weakness. Which would be good, if we could ever understand what you were saying."
"Perhaps you'd be able to supply us with some information as to her origins," Giles proposed. "That might be a little simpler to explain."
The Doctor blew a breath out of his cheeks. "A rather nasty place," he confessed. "Called" — he made a sound that was both beautiful and mind-numbingly vicious at the same time — "or, at least, that was what we called it. Not that Time Lords ever really ventured there, terribly often. If you were a naughty child, adults would threaten to leave you there until you behaved."
Buffy and Giles looked at one another. Every so often, the Doctor dropped one or two hints about his childhood, and it wasn't quite as idyllic as he tried to make it seem when you asked him directly.
"Course, she was gone by the time I visited," said the Doctor. "There were three of them, see, ruling side by side. Glory and two others, called" — once again, two names that sounded completely foreign and alien — "and, let me tell you, those two are not very nice. At all! I offered to have tea with them, and they nearly struck me with a beam of burning hellfire shot—"
"Glory used to rule somewhere?" Willow cut in.
"Pretty sure," said the Doctor. "Least, that's what the stories all say. The Meyomelae Krvas — or, Glorificus, as you call her here on Earth. One of a triumvirate. Removed from power in a war even more destructive than the Time War. Entire planets destroyed, galaxies turned to dust, timelines fractured to the point of complete disrepair. Almost completely ripped apart her reality." The Doctor beamed, and clapped his hands. "So, all in all, not somewhere you'd want to spend your holiday! Although, there were these absolutely brilliant plants, that grew asymmetrically along a polar axial combination of—"
"So — we know she's from somewhere bad," said Willow. "And she used to rule it, but she doesn't anymore. That's… sort of useful."
"Ah, well, it's a wee bit more tricky than that," said the Doctor. "See, nearly every other twelfth-dimensional being like her fled this reality during the War, at which point the walls between universes sealed, and crossing the void became impossible. And I believe your Glory… wishes to go home."
"That's her big evil plan?" Buffy cried. "To go home?"
"Couldn't you just open up this void thing and take her home yourself?" Willow suggested.
"If it were a good idea," said the Doctor, "I'd have gotten Rose back long ago."
Buffy made an 'oh' shape with her mouth, as she realized the gravity of the situation. From what Buffy knew about the Doctor and his companions, along with what she knew about the Doctor's relationship with Rose, the Doctor would do basically anything short of destroying the universe to get her back.
"I guess this is one villain you can't really offer a chance to," said Buffy.
"Did," said the Doctor. "She's only able to survive in this reality by sucking the mental cohesion of others — and if she doesn't, she's driven into a prison of horror and insanity. I offered to cement her to this reality, pull her through into three dimensions so that she could live a normal, happy life without losing her mind or draining the sanity of others. I believe she told me I was horribly selfish, before rejecting the offer."
"Yeah, you know, what with your death wish and your martyr complex, I've got to say, 'selfish' is definitely the word I'd use to describe you," said Buffy. She checked her watch, again, and gave a little sigh. "I really have to get going." Then, a sudden brainwave idea. "Hey! Doctor, Donna! Why don't you guys go on patrol?"
The Doctor arched an eyebrow at Buffy.
"Buffy," said Willow, in a low voice, her eyes darting over to the Doctor. "He's an alien." She leaned in closer, then added, in a whisper, "And he's kind of scary, sometimes."
"He's good with vampires," said Buffy. "When they don't almost kill him, I mean." She turned to the Doctor. "You've gone off on patrol with me loads of times."
"Well, yes," said the Doctor. "Although, technically, I was stopping you from—"
"Then it's settled!" said Buffy. "You go out on patrol, and make sure none of these guys get themselves killed." She said that last part with enough emphasis to make sure the Doctor knew the real reason she wanted him along.
With no Riley around, the Scoobies were going on a vampire hunt with no trained professionals. Which left them terribly vulnerable. Spike had begun helping them out, but Buffy didn't trust Spike. The Doctor may disapprove of staking vampires or carrying weapons, but Buffy knew he would never let anything happen to her friends.
That was far more important to her than anything else.
The Doctor got the message, and gave her a curt nod. Then Buffy left, to go and help her mother and Dawn at home.
"So you're telling me that 'patrol' has something to do with vampires?" Donna asked, in the cemetery that night.
Giles, Willow, Tara, and Xander had all brought major patrolling gear — stakes, holy water, crosses, cross-bows, and the like. The Doctor and Donna had shown up with… nothing.
Well, the Doctor had his sonic screwdriver. But that didn't help anyone, did it?
"That's the basic idea," said Xander.
Donna crossed her arms, and looked over at the Doctor. "Oi! Spaceman! Don't I get a pointy stick or something?"
The Doctor looked at her as if she were crazy. "Why would you want that?"
"So I don't get murdered, dumbo!"
"Well, I suppose," said the Doctor. "Although, on the other hand, you might hurt someone."
"Um, that's kind of the point," Xander said. "Vampires bad? Dust good?"
"Yeah, if we don't kill them, then they'll kill human people," said Willow.
"They can't help what they are," said the Doctor. "No one ever gave them a choice."
"Well, I suppose you could argue that, technically, they receive a choice every day," Giles said. "Seeing as it is possible to survive on a diet of rat blood as opposed to human blood."
"It's possible for you lot to survive on army rations," the Doctor said. "Doesn't mean any of you actually would want to."
Donna slapped the Doctor across the face.
The Doctor winced, and rubbed his cheek. "What was that for?"
"For being a bloody idiot!" Donna shouted. "They're killing people, Spaceman."
Xander looked impressed, and pointed at Donna. "Could we keep her?" he asked.
"I have to give them a chance," the Doctor told Donna. "One chance. That's all."
"Yes, well, actually, I'd strongly advise against that," said Giles. "Seeing as there is a terribly large possibility that the vampires will rip you to shreds if you give them the opportunity."
The Doctor stuck his hands in his pockets, and gave a cheerful grin.
Donna grabbed a stake from the Scoobies. "Well, I'm not dying just so some vampire can have its dinner."
"Look, I know you're against killing stuff," said Willow. "And you've got some cure or whatever. And that's great for you. But if these vampires start going after one of us normal human people, we're staking it."
The Doctor just gave Willow a wink.
Just then, three vampires leapt out at them, encircling the little group. Giles, Xander, Willow, and Tara all raised up crosses and stakes. Donna tried to look as menacing as she could with her own stake, considering she very obviously didn't have the first idea how to use it.
The Doctor just bounced on the balls of his feet, a wide smile on his face. "Hello, there."
And that was when the Scoobies realized something. The vampires weren't looking at them. Not at all. Every single vampire had its eyes fixed on the Doctor. And they were looking at him like he was their favorite food in the world, and all they had to do was just reach out and take it.
Then the vampire closest to the Doctor lunged towards him.
The Doctor, faster than anyone nearby could see, darted out of the way. "Yes, right, just, before you kill me," he told them, "I really think there's something you should…"
The second and third vampires lunged for him, and the Doctor turned, and ran.
The Scoobies and Donna just watched, as the vampires started chasing the Doctor around the graveyard, the Doctor trying to shout out his final plea to get them to stop because they were better than this and they should make the right decision. Which was getting him absolutely nowhere.
"What category of Doctor-annoyingness is this one?" Xander asked, his eyes glued on the scene before him.
"Well, I'd say… somewhere between supremely stubborn, and insufferably arrogant," said Giles.
Xander nodded. "Right. Okay. So… acceptable."
"Um, guys," said Willow, "Buffy's going to get really, really mad if he goes all gold glowing light thingy on us."
Donna's eyes narrowed, as she surged forwards. "Oi!" she shouted. "Vampires! Hands off!"
"And if Donna dies, we're all going to get double-killed," said Xander.
The Scoobies all looked at one another, then rushed after the Doctor and Donna.
By the time they caught up, the Doctor was cornered against a mausoleum, and Donna was hitting the vampire on the head with her purse, shouting incredibly loudly to, "Get your fangs away from him, Dracula!"
And there was no point in mentioning to Donna that they'd actually met Dracula, and this wasn't him, because none of the vampires really seemed to be paying her the slightest bit of attention. One of them had clearly grabbed the wooden stake from Donna's hand, and was holding it against the Doctor's throat.
The Doctor seemed not at all worried by this particular turn of affairs.
"You see, it really does make completely rational sense to stop hunting humans," the Doctor explained, "because that way, you'll live a long time, and they'll live a long time, and no one has to die!"
"Okay," said the vampire with the stake. "We won't kill humans. We'll just kill you."
The other vampires laughed.
The Doctor's eyes darkened. "Last chance."
"Just kill him already, Larry!" shouted one of the vampires.
The vampire with the stake grinned, evilly, and was about to bite down on the Doctor's neck, when Willow drove a stake through his back, and the vampire turned to dust.
The Doctor gave her a disapproving frown. "You didn't have to do that."
"You said one chance!" Willow protested. "How many one chances do you need?"
The other two vampires swung their heads over to Willow, hissing angrily. They lunged towards her, but Willow found herself pushed out of the way, and the vampires tackled a pinstripe suited figure onto the ground instead.
"I'm warning you," the Doctor told them. "This might be the last chance you get to save yourselves."
"I don't think we'll have a problem with that," said one of the vampires, as it bit down on the Doctor's throat.
The Scoobies ran over, but found themselves surrounded by four more vampires, separating them from the Doctor. These four vampires kept grumbling to themselves about why they had to get the bad food, but they didn't seem any more inclined to let the humans go.
"Vampire nest?" Tara asked.
"Time Lord nearby," Willow corrected.
"I don't care what you are, Fang-face!" Donna snapped at the nearest vampire. "You're going to let me through, right now, so I can rescue the Doctor! You got that, Sunshine?"
The vampire hissed and snarled at her, reaching out to grab her, but Giles pulled her back towards the rest of the group, which was inching closer and closer together.
"Best not antagonize them, actually," Giles told her.
"What do we do now?" Tara asked, raising her stake up before her like a shield.
"Well, now, we…" Giles scratched his head. "Well, I mean, we rather…" He sighed. "I'm afraid now we die."
Then, in unison, the vampires all howled, as they were sprayed with water from a water gun. The Scoobies all turned to find the Doctor, perfectly all right despite some blood dripping down from his neck and his wrist, a bright yellow water gun in his hand, his eyes trained on the vampires.
The two that had previously been trying to eat him looked like they were running away, screaming.
"Right," said the Doctor. "Now, then. You all know who and what I am. So I'm going to give it to you straight. If you don't stop killing humans, you're going to die."
The vampires laughed.
"Oi!" said the Doctor. "I'm serious. If you don't shape up and do the right thing, you're doomed. Now, there's a growing community of vampires above the arctic circle, who've given up human blood and decided to live off the local wildlife. Question is, will you join them, or are you prepared to face the consequences of your actions?"
Xander raised up his stake to strike at the vampire nearest him, but before he could do anything, the Doctor had twisted the stake out of his hand.
"Be friendly," the Doctor scolded, waving the stake at him. Then the Doctor dropped it into his pocket, and turned back to the vampires. "Any takers? Doing the right thing and surviving into the next century?"
"How are we going to die?" asked one of the vampires, hesitating. "In the future?"
The Doctor looked them all in the eye, steadily. "Don't you know?"
They shuddered back, muttering something about prophecy, the Slayer, and the day of reckoning. Then they turned, and ran.
Giles, Xander, Willow, and Tara all ran after them, but the Doctor just shrugged.
"Let them go," he said. "They won't harm anyone else for a long, long time."
The Scoobies slowed, then turned back to the Doctor, not sure whether or not to believe him.
Donna was glaring at him. She pointed at him, getting into his face. "Stop trying to kill yourself, Spaceman!" she shouted.
"What?" asked the Doctor. "I wasn't killing myself. I was perfectly fine the entire time."
"We killed one vampire this whole night," said Willow. "That's bad, isn't it?"
Xander frowned, thinking this all through. "Category?"
"Suicidal heroics," Willow offered.
"That's one of the ones we have to live with, right?" asked Xander.
"Yep," said Willow.
"What about those first two vampires?" Giles asked the Doctor. "Did you dispatch them?"
The Doctor beamed. "In a way."
"You let them go, didn't you?" said Xander. He threw his hands up into the air. "Least successful patrol ever!"
The Doctor just grinned at them, a twinkle in his eye.
Buffy was not expecting the ring at her doorbell. She got up, and found all the Scoobies at her front door, all looking ragtag and worn out.
"Never again," said Xander. "Never, ever, ever again."
Buffy took in their truly flustered appearance, and started laughing. It was the first time they'd seen her laugh in weeks.
"Well, she's laughing," said Willow. "I guess that means this was all worth it. Just to get Buffy to laugh?"
The Scoobies all looked at one another.
"No," they agreed.
