Chapter 14: Memories of Days Gone By
-That Night-
Sakura ran one thumb pensively over the seven-pointed star. It had been so long since she'd put the star in a box and locked it away, but now it was back. It was back on the forehead protector in her hand, and she was about to tie it into her hair, her leaf headband laying forgotten on the dresser. When they'd first gotten the idea for the star, the Star of Hope, it was meant to inspire courage, camaraderie, strength and, indeed, as its name stated, hope. Now as Sakura looked down at the gold embossed symbol she could feel hardly any of those emotions. In fact it was rather hard to pin down what she was feeling. Glad? A little. Afraid? More than a little. Nostalgic? Certainly. Hopeful? Hardly.
This thing, this little scrap of cloth and metal, was a piece of her past. The piece that would always remind her that she was Sakura Haruno, kunoichi of the Golden Army, one of the fifteen greatest ninjas in the word and one of the five greatest kunoichi ever. She was one of the shinobi who had defeated the Nightmare, she had walked beside the Nine-tailed Fox and the last Uchiha, she had trained under a sanin, she had claimed the life of Sasori no Akasuna, Suna's most infamous puppet master, and she had been the personal medic of the world's greatest heroes, including the legendary Golden General, the greatest shinobi to have ever lived!
And she had let him die.
It wasn't her fault. She knew it wasn't her fault. She hadn't known, hell she hadn't even been there. And yet she felt responsible. She imagined in a way they all felt responsible. She looked back down at the headband, and realized she'd been gripping it rather tightly. There really was only one thing to do. She had buried it in a box, like the others, and hidden it in the back of her closet as though that could push the memories into the deeper recesses of her mind where she wouldn't have to notice them. But they were there, and so was this headband. And she had to put it on.
The fabric was dry and stiff from its long imprisonment, but as she bent and tucked it behind her hair it began to give and she tied the cool, dusty cloth around her head. She looked into the full length mirror, in her bedroom, in her home, and she thought about jerking it off and hiding under the covers, hiding from the truth, hiding from herself. She wanted to hide, hide from what she'd seen, what she'd done, the life she'd lived as a member of the Golden Army, the best, worst, most traumatic experience of her life. It had given her so much; peace, safety, a loving husband, a family of friends. It had taken a group of strangers and forced them together, through danger and hardship, until they were closer than siblings. Lovers had emerged, the fear of tomorrow being your dying day did not allow feelings for someone to be kept secret, and when the storm had passed some had stood the test of time while others had drifted apart in the calm waters of everyday life.
And yet somehow it had also taken just as much. She had what most people could only dream about, and yet part of her soul that might have reveled in this happiness was forever shriveled and unfeeling, charred, blacked, deadened by what she'd seen. She'd seen the earth split in two and watched all the fire and darkness in hell rise up before her eyes. And when she closed her eyes sometimes she still saw it. Sometimes she awoke from a fitful sleep, mouth stretched wide in a silent scream, her eyes stretched wide to erase the images flashing past her closed eyelids. The fire burned the red of the blood into her irises, so that it seemed as though her very eyes were bloodstained. She would be pulled into her husband's arms, and looking into his eyes she would see the same haunted look she wore reflected there because he'd seen these things too, and he dreamed about them just as she did.
She stood before the mirror and shut her eyes, allowing the images to flash past. The blood. The fire. The darkness. And then she opened them, and there, reflected in the mirror, was Sakura Haruno, a mere child with her life ahead of her, a headband with a symbol meant to inspire in her hair and a look on her face, a kind of savage determination, that said that she was ready for whatever the world had to throw at her. Let hell come, she would be ready.
But she wasn't that girl anymore, and in a moment she collapsed on the floor, sobbing her regret of that fact onto the backs of her hands. "Oh dear gods, great spirits, Naruto, anyone who's listening! I can't do this! I can't be this person again! I have a baby on the way for goodness sake! I can't do this! I can't do this! I can't! I can't!"
"Sakura-chan!"
Sakura looked up to see Lee standing in the doorway to their bedroom. He wore his Golden Army headband, the golden star glinting at his waist, and he stared down at her in shocked concern, giving way to understanding pity. He dropped to his knees beside her and pulled her into his arms, holding her close, pressing her tear-stained face into his shirt as she cried. He said nothing, he knew there were no words. He simply held her, and she clung to him as though he were her only anchor to reality.
At last her fingers loosened on his shirt and she raised her watery eyes to his. Blinking back more tears, she asked the question that had been troubling both of them since the subject of reviving the Army had first arisen. "What are we going to do about the baby?"
Lee simply pulled her back into his tight embrace. "We'll think of something."
-Sometime Later-
The Golden Academy was situated in the farthest section of the Region of Fire. It would take several days to get there, perhaps weeks or longer if they met resistance, which they were all sure they would. They had decided they would leave that night, leaving the three children with Kakashi and Ayura. It was apparent that Ayura would have a lot of time to take care of them, seeing as she wouldn't be spending much time with Kakashi, who was still in trouble for keeping secrets.
Sasuke stalked the empty streets of Konoha one last time as he headed to the front gate, where they were meeting. He kept to the shadows, and took a specific route, hoping to spot a particular person. If the way of life they'd kept to during their original Golden Army days was picked up again, then a private moment to speak with this particular person would quickly become a rare thing. He would have to corner her before they left the village.
Taking his time as he made his way to his destination, he thought back on those days. The fifteen of them had stuck together during that time, the fear of being attacked outweighing the desire to be alone. Many nights they'd slept under the stars, or in a rented room carpeted in pillows, all of them spread out to an extent but still clustered together in the same area, none of them daring to wander off too far. Hinata would sleep wrapped up in Naruto's arms, and Tenten would often rest with her palms against Neji's chest, his arms around her back and his chin resting on the top of her head. Ino would doze off curled up like a cat on Choji's chest, her legs stretching out down his stomach and her hair tickling his face. Shikamaru and Temari would be sitting up against the wall in a corned, Temari leaning her head against the adjoining wall, Shikamaru leaning his head on Temari's shoulder. Gaara would be in one corner meditating, and Kankuro would be in another, puppet scroll tucked under one arm. Kiba would sleep resting against Akamaru's furry side, and Shino would be stretched out flat nearby, never shifting in his sleep except for the occasional movement of his insects. Lee and Sakura would be sleeping side by side, facing each other with their fingers intertwined in sleep, as Sasuke himself tried to sleep propped up against the opposite wall, watching the two of them through half closed eyelids.
After all, he thought to himself as he walked, it had been around the time the Golden Army was first formed that he'd first realized he was in love with Sakura. He'd been struggling to pin down this feeling he had for her for some time, but he hadn't realized it was love until he'd seen her go up against the little pieces of hell they'd had to face. Ever since he'd first seen her again, after all that time training with Orochimaru, the attraction had been there, although he hadn't been able to place the feeling. It was around that time that he'd begun to understand his feelings for her, and of course with them the challenge he now faced. She had moved on. She was in love with Lee now, or thought she was. Sasuke found it hard to imagine that she was truly in love with the strange looking man, it was far more likely that she simply wanted someone safe. Lee of course was the very epitome of safe, he'd been in love with her since they'd first met, he'd never wavered in his devotion to her, and he wasn't powerful enough to be targeted by someone like Orochimaru the way Sasuke had been. No, Lee was just someone safe. Someone she knew wouldn't hurt or leave her. She was settling, he understood that, and somewhere deep down he knew she understood it too. He just had to convince her that she no longer had to settle.
He'd been trying for some time now to convince her of that. It was hard, slow work getting her to trust him again, just as he knew it would be. After such a great betrayal he knew she would at first be wary of him, once bitten twice shy, after all. But he had the patience for it, gently nudging her toward accepting him each time he saw her, showing her his newfound dedication, committing to the idea of her being his wife. Because that was what he wanted. He wanted nothing more than for Sakura to be his wife, and he would wait as long as it took for her to realize that it was her destiny to be by his side.
He saw her only when he neared the gate, far too late to pull her aside, and anyway she was wrapped up tight in the arms of her safety net. Everyone else was already there, and he forced his mind onto more pressing matters. He was the leader of the Golden Army now, the Golden General. The mission ahead of them was his responsibility. They were all waiting on him to give the order.
"Alright," he said as they all gathered around the open gates, taking the first few steps out into the perilous night, "let's move out."
