A/N: It's true, the muse is a heinous controlling bitch, and I have no absolutely no say in what I write.


He tries to move on.

He kicks Kurt out, back to his boyfriend, and goes to work, pretending like he's not still hung up on the girl who doesn't want him. The kids help a little, and the drinks help a lot more, but it's been close to two months, and life still feels like one giant black hole almost all of the time.

He fends off his mom's offer for a visit daily and smiles and laughs like he's a normal, functioning human being, but there's a room full of her things in his apartment that he keeps locked and every day is a battle of trying to forget that the key exists.

He tries to forget her like she wants him to, but it's hard when she's embedded in every single part of him.

Xxx

Kurt tries to get him to start dating after the three month mark. He manages to evade for two whole weeks, before his brother finally catches him unawares.

"You trapped me," he hisses under his breath to Kurt when he sees Blaine entering the restaurant, his arms around a young, pretty blonde. Kurt merely rolls his eyes, patting his thigh.

"Don't be dramatic Finn," he whispers before turning towards his boyfriend, grinning wide.

"Sorry we're a little late," Blaine says apologetically, slipping into the booth next to Kurt, kissing him on the cheek, leaving the woman to stand alone.

"It's only five minutes," Kurt answers airily. "We'll live, right Finn? And you must be Quinn!"

Kurt stands, bending forwards to shake her hand across the table.

"I am," she answers, smiling. She turns to smile at him, and he nods, forcing a small one in return. She holds out her hand towards him and he takes it, shaking it firmly and letting go.

"Finn," Kurt says, about as obvious as a straight dude in a gay bar. "Scoot over and give her some room."

He tries not to glare as he moves. He should have known something was fishy when Kurt told him he wanted them to meet up at a karaoke bar. His brother hates booth seats.

She slips in next to him, and he unwittingly flinches when their thighs touch.

It's going to be a long night.

Xxx

He stares on, snickering to himself as an obviously drunk Kurt latches himself onto his boyfriend, ending their duet on a note high enough to get the dogs howling.

"They really like to sing," Quinn comments, taking a sip of her beer.

"You have no idea," he answers wryly. "He and Rachel used to-"

He stops when he realizes what he just said. Quinn's still looking at him, her blue-green eyes alert, but when he stops and just smiles, she grins, shaking her head.

"Let me guess," she says. "Rachel's her name, that girl you're still hung up on."

"I'm sorry they made you do this," he apologizes. "I swear, if I knew, I wouldn't be here."

"Well that's comforting," she jokes as he mentally slaps himself.

"No," he says helplessly, trying to backtrack "No I meant that I don't want to lead you on, I'm not interested. Not- not that you're not interesting. You're very pretty Quinn, and I'm sure you're awesome, but I-"

He stops when her face breaks into a smile and she starts laughing.

"I'm just going to shut up now," he mumbles, feeling the back of his neck starting to blush. She giggles, putting one hand on his arm for support. Seriously. It's not that funny.

"You know, Blaine told me you needed a good rebound," she tells him once she's calmed down.

"Did he tell you everything?"

"Nope, just that this Rachel did quite a number on you, and well, I can see that. You can relax Finn," she continues, smiling at him. "I'm not planning to tie you up to my bedpost anytime soon. Although, yes I am awesome, and you'll be a lucky guy if I do."

"Oh," he answers awkwardly, "So um- they're not trying to set us up?"

"They are, but I'm on the rebound too, and I figured it's better to hook up with someone who's on the same page, you know?"

"Oh. Okay. But erm- I'm not-"

"Not interested in rebound sex?" she asks wryly.

"Sorry," he apologizes. She shakes her head, grinning at him.

"You're worse off than I thought," she tells him, smiling wryly. "And I thought I was bad."

"What's your story?" he asks curiously, finally relaxing now that that's over and done with. She shakes her head, rolling her eyes.

"He's called Noah," she starts dryly, but he could see the fire burning in her eyes as she smirks. "But people call him Puck 'cause he's an idiot. He's an asshole and a bad mistake, and that's all you need to know."

He stares at her thoughtfully, ignoring Kurt and Blaine's painfully drunk rendition of I've got you babe.

"Bad break up huh?"

"Well, if you think smashing his prized guitar into pieces and burning all his clothes is bad, then yes," she answers, her tone menacing as her eyes gleam. Shit, he feels uncomfortable. He inches away discreetly.

"What about you?" she asks, downing the rest of her drink in one gulp, slamming the glass in the table. "Bad break up?"

He says nothing for a moment. He's never really talked about it before, never mentioned it at all since it happened. Not that he really needed to, since it was all anyone wanted to talk about for the first few weeks. For some reason, they seem to think that he needed to do something big. Have an epic breakdown, freak out in the middle of the school hallway or something, and it worried them when the worst thing he did was lock himself up in his room for hours at a time.

Quinn's looking at him curiously, and he guesses that he owes her about as much as she gave him.

"I wouldn't say we broke up, exactly," he tells her, shrugging.

"That's vague." He tries to smile, taking a long drink of his beer before he continues.

"She just... forgot me." She waits for him to continue, but he offers no further explanation. She nods, and turns back towards the stage. They sit side by side in silence, watching Kurt and Blaine go through another round of social suicide.

"Love sucks," Quinn yells in his ear through the noise.

"Yep."

Xxx

Kurt stops trying to set him up a few days before Christmas, announcing out loud on the plane back to Lima that he's done trying to help.

It feels like an early Christmas present.

Xxx

He gets into a funk on Christmas Eve. He's trying his best not to let it show, because if his mom suspects, than she'll latch onto him and never let go, and then he'll never be able to move past it if. He can't help himself though. He keeps remembering that this is supposed to be their last Christmas before being married. He's spent the last four Christmases of his life with her in it, because she didn't have her own family, and now he knows why. She had her own ornaments, a pair of white doves and a silver, shimmery star he bought her the first time she came. He can't find them anywhere; his mom must have hidden them. Or thrown them away.

He catches his mom as he walks down the stairs before Christmas dinner, staring sadly at the fireplace, sighing. He thinks he knows what she's seeing.

It's the empty space next to his stocking.

He walks quietly up towards her, and she jumps when he wraps one arm around her shoulders.

"Finn," she admonishes. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

He doesn't say a word, pulling her into a tight hug as he rests his chin on her shoulder.

"I'll be fine mom," he tells her quietly. She freezes before she starts to tremble and he hears her take a shaky breath.

"I know you will honey," she whispers, leaning back to kiss his cheek. He looks down at her teary face and tries to smile, using his thumb to wipe the moisture under her eyes.

"Merry Christmas mama."

He'll move on.

He has to.

Xxx

He gets the call once he's stepped off the plane, just as he makes his way to the baggage claim. He answers the phone unaware, and when he hears the voice, stops abruptly, his hand clenching his phone tighter.

"What the hell do you want?" he asks, his voice tight. Kurt turns to give him a questioning look, but he ignores his brother.

"We started off on the wrong foot," Jesse St. James continues, and Finn thinks he almost sounds sincere. "I apologize for the things I've said. I admit, they were harsh and uncalled for, and I said them out of anger. But I would like to see you."

"Why?"

"I see you still haven't forgiven me," the man says dryly after he barks out his question. "Let's call a truce Hudson."

"For what?"

"For Rachel."

xxx

He steps into the restaurant cautiously, having half a mind to just walk back out. He doesn't know why he's doing this to himself. Didn't he just resolve, back at Christmas, that he was going to move on? God, what if she's here? He doesn't know what he'll do if he sees her.

He spots the back of Jesse's head (he'd recognize that annoyingly perfect blonde head anywhere), and breathes a sigh of relief when he sees that he's alone. He can't seem to explain that sinking feeling in his heart though.

"Hi," he says when he reaches the man, trying hard to be civil. Jesse looks up and smiles, and he finds that he's still having a hard time trying not to sock the guy in the face.

"Finn," Jesse greets. "Sit down."

He obliges, sitting down in front of Jesse, shaking his head as a waiter comes near them.

"So what do you want?" he asks bluntly.

"This will be much easier if you're not so hostile."

"Yeah, well, it'll be much easier for me if never existed, so tough luck, I guess."

Jesse shakes his heads, smiling wryly as he takes a bite of his food. Finn taps his foot impatiently.

"I'm here to talk about Rachel."

"What about her?"

Jesse looks at him carefully.

"First off I'd like to apologize for belittling your presence in her life-"

"Shit, stop apologizing," he mutters.

"But I am, sorry I mean. She didn't like it when she found out what I said."

"Well, I guess I'm sorry for calling you a heartless bastard."

"You didn't call me that," Jesse says, frowning.

"Didn't I? I must have thought it."

"Look, in light of how things are, I guess you deserve an explanation. About us. About Rachel, and- and what triggered her episode I suppose."

He frowns, leaning forwards in his seat.

"I'm listening."

Xxx

"I've known her my whole life. Her mom worked for my parents. They have a school. Shelby is- was- a vocal coach," Jesse explains at his questioning look. Finn nods.

"I guess that's where her singing comes from."

"What are you talking about?" Jesse asks, confused.

"Rachel's voice."

"Rachel doesn't sing," Jesse scoffs. He frowns. Is the dude trying to play some kind of crazy trick on him or something?

"You're kidding me, right? She lives for singing. If she could have found a way to speak to you in song she would have."

Jesse shakes his head empathically.

"They told me she'd be a different person," he says slowly. "I didn't think she'd be that different. The Rachel I knew, this Rachel, she doesn't sing."

"Why not? She's amazing."

"I think it was her mom. I've never seen a vocal coach who hated her job more than she did, which was a shame, because she was good, when she didn't terrify the living daylights out of her students. Anyway," Jesse continues as his mind reels with the information. "She was a weird little kid," Jesse says almost fondly. "We used to play together all the time, but I never really noticed her, you know, that way. She was like, the only girl in high school who still wore knee socks with sweater vests, and she never gave a damn what anyone thought of her. And then- and then we grew up-"

"Listening about how the two of you fell in love is the last thing I want to hear right now, no offense."

"And then we grew up," Jesse continues, ignoring him. "And I went to college and I didn't see her for years. And then we were twenty one, and her mom died. It was just two of them, for years, and when Shelby passed away, she didn't have anyone."

"What happened?" Finn asks softly.

"Car crash. She ran into a tree. Some people said it was on purpose, but try telling Rachel that and she'll quite literally beat the living crap out of you."

"Why the hell would people say something like that in the first place anyway?" he asks angrily.

"Because-" Jesse looks at him hesitantly. "It wasn't such a stretch of the imagination to believe that."

"So she is an orphan," Finn mutters quietly. He thinks of her, picturing her all alone, it hurts him.

"I guess she was. I never really thought about it. But my parents felt sorry for her, and they took her in, she'll be around during all the holidays, and- I'll spare you the details- we grew closer. We were so young when we got married. I don't think either of us really knew what we were doing."

"Then why did you do it?"

"Because she was pregnant."

His blood runs cold as he stares at the man in front of him.

"She- you- you have a kid together."

"We don't," Jesse answers, shaking his head. He's confused.

"But you said-"

"We lost the baby. It- She- was a stillborn."

"God," Finn breathes out, leaning back against his seat. "I'm sorry."

He means it. He's so sorry, for her, for Jesse, who shrugs his shoulders, smiling wryly.

"She never got over that, not really. It had been months, and she was still a basketcase, and she couldn't go through a day without breaking up in tears. I just- we couldn't really deal with it. A big part of why we were even married in the first place was because of that baby, and when she was gone-"

Jesse sighs, pushing his plate away from him. Finn's mind is still reeling from the news. This woman, this beautiful, perfect woman that he had thought was so happy, who felt like the sun in his darkest days, she makes him want to cry.

"We were- we were disintegrating, the both of us. We were so young, and I was a self-obsessed asshole, and she was too consumed by her pain for anything to work out."

"Why are you telling me this?" he asks quietly. Jesse says nothing, looking him in the eye as he continues.

"I can't exactly describe it, what it was like, but Rachel, it was like she broke," Jesse says thoughtfully, and once again in the span of an hour, he feels that giant bruise throbbing in his chest. He wants so badly to go to her. He needs to go to her. "And we had the biggest argument we've ever had on the day she disappeared. Some things were said, and they just- they can't be unsaid. The damage was done. But we were over long before that, and I think that was just the moment we both realized it."

"Why are you telling me this?" he asks again. Jesse smiles at him, leaning back against his seat.

"I love Rachel," he starts, "But we both- we both needed a way out, and what happened to her, that was our escape."

"You couldn't have just gotten a divorce?" Finn asks sarcastically as Jesse chuckles.

"I didn't say we weren't dramatic," he says lightly. "But in all seriousness, what you said struck a chord. You told me that you would look for her, that you wouldn't have given up until you found her, no matter what state she'd be in, and at the time, I thought screw you, because you knew nothing. But, I guess you can say I've had a change of heart."

"What-"

"You know what she said, on our way home?"

"What?"

"She said that she made you happy."

He smiles, the memory of their last moment together is both bittersweet and heartbreaking.

"I think-" Jesse starts slowly, "I think she deserves to be with someone like that, someone that's- that's happy with her. I mean, she told me that it was crazy, you know? She made you happy, but she couldn't remember it, but she believed you, and it made her happy that she could be that to someone."

"She's amazing," Finn says. "She was- she was perfect."

"She'd never felt like that before," Jesse says ruefully. "I was never any good at making her feel that."

"But she chose you," Finn says morosely. "No offense."

Jesse says nothing for the longest time, and it takes him a while to realize it as he dwells in his own sadness.

"She didn't," Jesse finally says.

"What?" he asks stupidly. He feels like his vocabulary is reduced to a kindergartener's since the start of their conversation, but everything is just so overwhelming.

"She didn't choose me Finn. We- She had a lot of loose ends that needed to be tied up. She may have lost her memory for six years, but she remembered everything else, we were both done pretending our past never happened."

He feels the back of his neck burning up as his heart starts kicking.

"Where is she?" he asks, gripping the edge of his seat in anticipation. Jesse shakes his head.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? How can you not know?"

"She realized that she could really do it, you know? She could start all over, because she did it six years ago, she just couldn't remember it."

"Where is she Jesse?"

"She left, about two months ago. She said it was time to find herself, find out who she could be. I don't know where she went Finn. But-"

"But what?"

"I don't think she's done with you," Jesse finishes, smiling almost sardonically.

"Then why didn't she find me?" Finn asks, frustrated.

"She's afraid. I know her enough to know that."

"She doesn't have to be. I would never hurt her, or-or screw her up."

"She's afraid that she will, hurt you and screw you up. Like she did a few months back when she left. She seems to think you deserve better than someone like her."

"There's no one better than her," he answers firmly.

"You don't even know her," Jesse says. "Not really."

"I do know her," he retorts angrily. "She may not like the same things, or- or be the same person, but I know her."

His gaze is challenging as it meets Jesse's. The guy can come at him with everything he's got, he'll spend his whole life proving it. But Jesse smiles, extending his hand. Finn takes it cautiously, frowning as they shake hands.

"Then I hope you find her."

Xxx

"There is one piece of information that I think might help," Jesse tells him as they step out of the restaurant together. "She called me once, about a month ago, just to promise me that she's still alive. And the background noise- it sounded a lot like someone speaking in Spanish. Do you have any clue?"

"I think I might," he answers dryly.

"Well then I guess this is goodbye."

"I hope you take this in the nicest possible way, but I hope to God I never see you again."

"Likewise."

Xxx

"What do you want Stretch?"

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?" he asks, a little angrily but mostly hurt, as he weaves his way through the throng of people.

"I didn't know you were interested in my heavy flow."

"What?"

"Well since you didn't bother telling me what the hell you're talking about, I assume it's about what I'm doing. I'm sorry Hudson, I'll check in with you the next time I go on a tampon run."

He makes a face, momentarily derailed before shaking his head in annoyance.

"I'm talking about Rachel Santana."

"What about Rachel?"

"She's with you."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm not an idiot, okay? Jesse came to see me, I know that she's not with him anymore. I know that she's with you. Why the hell didn't you tell me this?"

"Oh God," Santana starts in a bored voice. "Your little dramatic game was fun for like, five seconds, but I swear I have better things to do than this. Like watching my nails dry. Yes, Berry is here. But no, she doesn't want to see you, and no Hudson, you are not allowed to come storming into my apartment and scare the crap out of her."

"Why would I scare her?" he demands. She lets out a bark of laughter.

"You terrify her."

"But-"

"Just give her time," Santana continues in a softer voice. He sighs, his free hand running through his hair in frustration.

"How long?"

"Do I look like I'd know?"

"Santa-"

"Gotta go Stretch, found my tampons."

"San-"

He groans in frustration, rolling his eyes as he hears the dead tone.

Xxx

It's been a whole day. He's giving her time.

But it's hard when he knows she's here. She's here, and she not married, and she could have gone anywhere, started over anywhere she wanted to.

But she came here.

And he's waiting.

Xxx

It's been a week, and he's still waiting.

He realizes that even given the chance, he wouldn't know what the hell to say to her.

What do you say to the person you love when she doesn't even know you?

How do you convince her to stay?

Xxx

He walks up the steps to his apartment quickly, his mind miles away.

This is it. Today's the day he's done waiting.

He still doesn't know what he'll say yet, but- but he'll wing it.

He's done waiting.

He rounds the corridor towards his place, and as he looks up, stops short, almost bowling over in his abrupt halt.

He would recognize that figure anywhere.

Is he dreaming right now? Are months and hours of dreaming of this moment finally doing his head in?

She's slumped on the floor, her knees up to her chest, her head down. She looks up when his shoes make a funny noise as he takes a step, and when she sees him, jumps up immediately.

God, it really is her.

"Rachel," he breathes.

He can't move.

She's got him paralyzed.

"Hi," she says softly, her voice shy. Her cast is gone. She's standing in front of him in a white sundress and ballet flats, and she's like a vision, like a dream that can't possibly be real.

God, please let her be real.

He inches closer, carefully, and she stays where she is, smiling at him nervously.

"Santana kicked me out," she tells him, smiling wryly.

He notices the small luggage on her right.

He finally reaches her. He holds his arm out, and he feels her let out a shaky breath when his fingers touch her bare arm. He does the same thing, spanning his fingers around her warm skin, trying his best to smile at her like a normal person.

"You can stay with me."


A/N: Needless to say, another chapter is coming. I'm pathetic like that. Also, their past will come to light. Be prepared for flashbacks galore =)