Chapter 11: Taking Things Slowly
November woke feeling something was off. A quick glance told her she was naked and that was indeed one of the oddnesses. Another glance told her Remus was gone.
Her heart sank as she simultaneously remembered their amazing first time together and realized she was waking up the morning after alone. But someone was humming in the kitchen and the smell of breakfast wafted in to her. She sat up, her hair wavy from sleeping with it damp, and saw a tidy pile of clothes on her backpack. Everything she had been wearing the night before was magically repaired and folded for her.
With a smile, she dressed in jeans and a tight shirt. Clearly there needed to be a discussion and this gave her hope that things would go well.
Remus was in the kitchen working on pancakes when someone's arms slipped around his waist. A roar of surprise tore from him and November shot halfway across the room.
"Merlin's Beard! I'm sorry!"
November stared for a moment and then laughed loudly. "It's my fault. I forget you scare easily."
"I made us breakfast." His words were shy but extremely sincere. The use of 'us' made her stomach erupt into girlish butterflies.
She was serves pancakes and bacon before Remus sat beside her. "I think there is a conversation we should have, November."
"Have you eaten?" she cut him off.
"No. I think–"
"Eat first."
His eyebrow went up in amusement. "And why?"
"Because you should eat before any important decision."
Looking at him she wanted to jump on him afresh. His hair was even more wild than usual and he had a five o'clock shadow on his normally clean-shaven face.
Remus reached over and took her face in one hand, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "Very well."
It was a very quiet meal, both of their minds racing with thoughts, feelings, worries and doubts. After what seemed like ages, Remus began the conversation again.
"I have tried to think of what I would like to say. Would it trouble you if I began?"
November shook her head, trying not to hurk; in her mind, he was the wild card and she had no idea how he had reacted to last night.
"I would like to begin with Diagon Alley and move forward from there, because I see that as the crux of the matter. When I told you that it was a cover, this was complete bullshit. I could have taken you then and there, against that very wall without any hesitation. It was the highest point in my life since realizing Sirius did not kill James! But my self-control was too poor and…I was too embarrassed to be honest about this."
November's eyes widened at him, and he blushed but pushed on.
"When I said I love you I meant it. You have changed my life from the day you moved in and the thought of you being removed from my life in any way…" He coughed to clear this throat. "When I thought you were moving in with Tonks I felt as though my life was over. You have been my closest friend and I love you, perfections and annoyances and all."
He leaned forward and took her hands. "But if this new relationship will change any of this for you, I would rather have none of it. I cannot bear to lose you and I would give up all of the blissful nights with you before I would damage any affection you may have for me!"
November couldn't look him in the eye she was so overcome with emotion. She had not expected this.
"And as much as it pains me to do so, I must give you warning. You know full well what I am and this will never end. It would haunt us always."
She looked up quickly, her eyes burning. "You know full well I do not care whatsoever about that. That will never change."
A weary smile broke across Remus' face and years seemed to lift off of him. "I was so hoping you would say that. There is however, the risk of any child–"
"I thought that might come up," November interrupted, sitting forward. "If you do not mind the interruption, I have my own 'confession' of sorts." She paused taking a deep breath. "I cannot and never will be able to bear you a child."
Remus' eyes widened now. "How…?" He wasn't sure if he should ask but his curiosity was piqued.
"In a rather horrid twist of fate, my womb is heart shaped. So as endearing as that sounds, I can never carry a child without harming the child, perhaps fatally. So now…" She sighed heavily. "If ever you were to want a child, I am not the woman for you."
Remus jumped to his feet before sitting again hastily and taking hold of her hands again. "November, a child is my very greatest fear! While I would never ask for anything at such a cost…"
"It does not bother you?"
"Of course not."
November met his eyes uncertainly. "You are the only one I desire and the only one I wish to be with. But you must understand that Lucius is now too close and too involved to get rid of. I can't just end this without hurting others."
Remus' eyes dropped and he nodded. November felt as though she were choking but did not show this. He had a right to react as he wished; this was horrible news.
"I will never have sex with Lucius Malfoy. I can promise you that with certainty even if I cannot give you more. I despise him."
"You would promise that? Isn't that risky?"
"I've already promised myself that, because of you."
Slowly, Lupin took her hands and lifted them to his mouth, tenderly kissing them. A shiver went through November at the openness of that gesture. They had hidden away so much for so long and now was the first time they were really and truly able to give all of themselves to one another.
But Lupin still could not get past all of the reservations he had held onto for the majority of his life. "But November I'm still–"
He breathed in heavily as her lips collided with his, cutting off words. In a sweep of passion he tangled his hands in her hair, pulling her to him. November felt desire flare within her; she had never known he was so passionate. She could feel his hand sliding up her thigh and she smiled through their kiss.
With his forehead against hers, Remus spoke in a low, heavy voice. "Maybe…we should take this slowly?" He felt as though it was the right thing to offer, not wanting to pressure her though he wanted her deeply.
November tried to get a good look at his eyes, not at all convinced that's what they should do, but his shaggy hair blocked her. "Maybe…"
He sat back with a broad smile. "Please do not misinterpret this, but I cannot believe you are truly mine. After all this time."
Deciding to be playful, November crossed to him and sat lightly in his lap. "I am yours alone."
They kissed again, more sweet and lingering. "I love you, Remus."
"And I love you."
Remus blushed a little. These past two nights had been a bit like unleashing a starving man. He wanted to touch and hold and taste and enjoy every part of her all at once, even as they lay curled up in sheets together. But a nagging doubt crept in and November watched his face fall a little.
"What is it, Remus?"
"Could you ever…fall for Lucius?" Remus had a hard time even speaking the words. "I know you have promised things already," he hurried to add, "but you are always with him and he sends you gifts I could never dream of buying you and he is powerful and handsome and probably the girth of a firehose." November laughed at the last bit and Remus smiled half-heartedly. "And he's not mangled and terrible to look at."
Pain showed clearly in November's face and she sat up. "Remus…"
"If I lost you to him I would kill myself! I'd rather have you fall for Sirius than that self important asshole!"
"REMUS LUPIN!" The volume of her shout echoed through the quiet house and Remus stared. November took his face in both of her hands. "I understand that Lucius has many things to offer. But is your faith in me so little? Is your self-worth so little?"
November ran her hands over his scarred skin as she spoke. "I cannot express how I feel about your scars but mangled you are not. You are a man and you have a man's body. You have suffered and overcome so much and you wear the results of that. This is not just honorable but so deeply sexy. I would never fall for any less."
She lay on top of him, chin resting on his chest, and looked him directly in the eyes as she spoke. "I can't convince you. You have to believe me yourself. But, if it helps you, Lucius is sexist, purist, degrading to all not like him, and shallow, not to mention power-hungry and dangerous. I meant it when I said I would kill you before I would leave you at his mercy. He is less than human and you are far above him."
Remus watched her silently for a while, enjoying the sensation of her smooth, soft skin intertwined with his own. "Sexy?" he finally asked.
"From the very first time I saw you naked in the shower," she smirked at him.
He laughed aloud. "You watched me yesterday morning?"
"Of course. And you watched me."
Remus turned scarlet and began to explain but she stopped him with a smile. "I would have been disappointed if you had not. What a waste switching out the shower curtains would have been."
Remus goggled at her wordlessly as the impact of these words hit him. A silly grin spread across his face.
"Well then let me look again, my devious lover."
Fluff chapter! Back to some plot next chapter.
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