Standard disclaimer: I own nothing that I use in this story.

Chapter Four: The Battle of Epic Randomness


Previously on…

The sound of a record skipping echoes throughout the flashback. JedI Master Revan appeared on the horizon, holding two de-activated lightsabers with one arm, while the other was missing.

"Oh no! No, no, no, no, no. You're not pulling that Sh(tuff) on me again." Revan said angrily.

Author Lightning's voice replied, "I wasn't going to but…"

Author Lightning summoned 234,543,768,000,000,000 Gungans and had them all start shouting at Revan.

"In the name of the Force, shut the hell up!" Revan demanded, but to no avail. The Gungans continued to shout praises at him in their Raspberry award-winning (a.k.a. Hollywood's worst actor/movie awards) voices.

Revan suddenly turned green and ten feet taller. A huge lazer beam then shot out of his mouth, killing all of the Gungans and causing him to gain infinite light side points.

Revan grinned and shouted, "Hurray!"

But then his lazer time-traveled to the 1960's for no apparent reason and hit George Lucas, killing him too, thus creating a parad-

Error!

Error!

Error!

Star Wars does not compute! Fanfic self destructing! May God have mercy on your souls!

…This fan fic would have blown up, if Chuck Norris and Burt Gummer hadn't used their awesomeness to revive George Lucas.


Back at Little Hangleton…

"Will the Author please shut up and let Vader and I kill our former masters!" Snape furiously asked.

After waiting about five minutes, Palpatine asked, "Uhh…what were we doing here again?"

Snape shook his head in disbelief. "I believe we were going to kill you."

"Senile old fart…" Vader added.

"Attack!" Snape once again comanded the Chuck Norris fans.

The Chuck Norris fans all took out AK-47's and began to fire them at Voldemort and the Emperor. Voldemort used a deflection spell to bounce the bullets back at the fans, killing them instantly, while the Emperor Palpatine jumped out of the window and killed the rest of the Chuck Norris fans with his Sith lightning.

The battle had lasted twenty seconds.

Snape's jaw hit the floor, while Vader began to state the obvious: "…That went well."

Palpatine Force jumped back into the room, gloating and cackling, "Ha ha ha ha ! We pwned you!"

Voldemort let a chuckle out. "You can't beat us. WE are the masters for a reason. Just surrender, and we won't kill you in the most inhumane way possible"

"But-" Palpatine interrupted

"We can't let them know I'm lying…" Voldemort whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Ah."

"Er-hem!" Snape cleared his throat loudly.

"WHAT?" The two evil masterminds shouted

Snape shook his head and began to chuckle, confusing Palpatine and Voldemort. "You two really are stupid aren't you?"

Palpatine began to use his Sith lightning on Snape, but Voldemort stopped him.

"Let's hear what he has to say before we kill him." Voldemort proposed.

"Good. Because you two are doomed. Vader and I now control the most powerful force in all dimensions." Snape paused for dramatic effect, and then pointed towards the dimensional portal. "This stable dimensional portal!"

Palpatine's insane grin turned into a look of horror in about one tenth of a second. "Did he just say stable dimensional portal? …Uhh…Voldemort…we're pretty screwed now."

"Crap." Voldemort said as he turned even paler.

Snape and Vader jumped into the portal. After a few moments, the dimensional portal began to suck Palpatine and Vader into it, despite their efforts to get away.

"But mommy, I don't wanna die!" Voldemort cried as he went temporarily insane (er).

"Oh, shut up!" Palpatine snapped as the two disappeared into the portal.


?

The two evil masterminds suddenly found themselves on a volcanic planet of some sort. They scanned the horizon, but saw nothing but volcanic rock, lava, and a cliff about twenty feet to their right.

Vader and Snape appeared about thirty feet in front of and Palpatine became enraged ath the sight of them.

"Where have you taken us?" Voldemort demanded, while Palpatine had a far-off look of recognition.

Darth Vader chuckled a bit, before answering, "Why don't you ask my former master? HE knows what planet this is."

Voldemort turned his head at Palpatine. "We're on another planet?"

Palpatine mused for a moment to himself. "Yes, and it's called Mustafar. How very clever of you…Anakin Skywalker!

To be continued…


…Just kidding!

A near total silence suffused the normally loud lava-covered planet, and Darth Vader slowly took his helmet off. As he finished taking the helmet off, the Emperor gasped. Anakin Skywalker had indeed returned; his face showed no sign that it was ever burned at all.

"It seems the Force wants me to fufill the prophesy, and live at the same time. I have no need for your suit any longer!" Anakin declared.

There was a loud flash, and the robotic suit dissappeared…leaving Anakin with no clothing on.

"…What the hell?" Anakin shouted as the other three laughed at his misfortune. "I mean, this can't be fair!"

Another flash rent the area, and this time Anakin was wearing the Qel Droma JedI robes, last seen about 4,000 years ago.

"Ah, now that's better." Anakin said while he examined the ancient robes.

After taking stock of his new powers, Anakin grinned madly and proclaimed, "Now then, it's time for our (Anakin and Severus') redemption. LET THE BATTLE OF EPIC RANDOMNESS BEGIN!"


(cue Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath Sekto Battle theme music)

If you want, you can skip to the battle and just use this for reference.

Anakin's Stats:

HP: 1000

Force/Magic level (1-3=padawan/student, 4-7=knight/average, 8-10=Master) : 6 (+2 bonus from Qel Droma Robes)

Attack (F/M lv. x 10) : 80

Defense (F/M lv. x 5 +armor bonus): 40 (+10 Qel Droma Robes)

Powers: Lightsaber attack, Righteous Anger (attack bonus based on character's past), Force Push, Force Jump (dodges the next attack).

Snape's Stats:

HP: 750

Magic level: 9

Attack: 90

Defense: 45

Powers: Sectumsempra, Veritaserum ( +20 attack and a guaranteed hit, both for the next turn, restricted to three uses), Medicinal Potion (restores team's health (Magic level x 15)) Legilimency (in addition to a mind attack, the target's next attack is guaranteed to miss next turn)

Palpatine's Stats:

HP: 800

Force Level: 10

Attack: 100

Defense: 50 (-10 for extreme old age)

Powers: Sith Lightning, Force Revive (restricted to one use and must be used on someone else), Manipulation (target's next move is guaranteed to miss, or deal ½ damage), Lightsaber attack.

Voldemort's Stats:

HP: 900

Magic Level: 9

Attack: 90

Defense: 45

Powers: Avada Kedavra (one-hit kill, but can be negated and is restricted to two uses) Horcrux: (Prevents death, but restricted to five uses) Imperius Curse (next move is guaranteed to hit, or the target's next move is guaranteed to miss), Cruciatus Curse.

Anakin took out his lightsaber and lunged at Voldemort. Voldemort tried to dodge, but found he couldn't! Anakin's attack hit its mark, but it only hurt Voldemort instead of killing him.

Voldemort's HP: 865/900.

"…What the hell? What kind of battle is this?" Voldemort asked in obvious confusion.

Snape replied, "It's known as a "Role Playing Game style" battle. Odd, isn't it? Legilimens!"

Snape launched a mind attack at Palpatine, who suddenly received a massive headache as a result.

"Interesting…" Snape mused.

Palpatine's HP: 750/800.

"Grrrh! I'll get you for that!" Palpatine growled.

The Emperor launched a stream of Sith Lightning at Severus Snape, who miraculously dodged it!

"What?" Cried Voldemort. "How was he able to dodge it?"

Snape answered in a know-it-all tone, "I read his mind in my last attack."

"Damn this crappy battle style! Screw Role Playing Games!" Palpatine ranted, earning him the hate of millions of people, including the Author.

Voldemort decided that he wanted Snape to suffer.

"Crucio!"

The Cruciatus Curse hit Snape, forcing him to the floor in pain.

Critical Hit(damage multiplied by two)! Snape HP: 660/750

Anakin watched as Snape got off the floor. Anakin really had had it with these manipulative super-villian types. Palpatine especially; The evil Emperor had manipulated him into destroying the Republic, the JedI Order, and even…Padme. He had had enough.

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!" Anakin roared a a golden dome of energy surrounded him.

Snape's jaw dropped, while Palpatine and Voldemort both shouted, "Holy crap!"

Anakin's Attack increased by OVER 9000! due to Righteous Anger!

Snape regained his composure first, and launched another Legilimens mind attack, this time at the very distracted Voldemort.

"Wha-" Voldemort started to shout, before he was hit with a massive headache.

Snape raised his eyebrow in worry.

Critical Hit! Voldemort's HP: 775/900.

Palpatine watched as Snape finished reading Voldemort's mind.

"So that's how it is…HA HA HA HA!" Palpatine cackled as he used his Manipulation power on Anakin.

Voldemort, who had nearly crapped his pants earlier, decided to take Anakin out before he could take them out.

"Avada-!"

"Anakin, duck!"

"-Kedavra!" Voldemort finished as a green jet of light raced out of his want and flew towards Anakin.

Anakin hit the floor…just in time to escape the curse, thanks to Snape's timely warning.

Anakin quickly got off of the floor and aimed a massively overpowered Force Push at Voldemort. Palpatine attempted to distract Anakin with whispers through the Force.

"Not…this…TIME!" Anakin yelled as his Force Push suddenly widened.

Anakin's Force push has gained the ability to hit two targets at once due to Righteous Anger! Palpatine's Manipulation only halved the possible damage taken!

The last words ever heard from either Lord Voldemort or the Emperor Palpatine were, "What the fu-".

The Force Push hit the two villians with so much force (not a repetitous use of the word), that they literally exploded into fragments of flesh, blood, and bone.

Anakin's Force Push negated Voldemort's Horcrux ability due to the massive power it had!

Voldemort and Palpatine died!

Author's Note: The music suggestions are just that. You don't have to go look that song up...only if you want to.