Chapter 9

Nick could hardly make it down the stairs. He didn't even notice the scent of coffee now, and he was surprised, for some reason, that Dr. Merar and his wife were still here. They were together at the kitchen table, looking like they were waiting for him.

"She's gone," Nick said. He was shaking when he sat down with them. "Just a moment ago."

"Nick, I'm so sorry," Iva said softly.

"I'll see Mr. Beckett and send him out," Dr. Merar said.

The undertaker. Nick nodded. "I'll wait for him."

"Do you want me to go talk to your family, or stop by Jarrod's office?"

"No," Nick said. "I'll – clean up and lock up here and go home after Mr. Beckett leaves." Then he remembered Emily's will, and all her other things upstairs. He'd have to take care of all that too.

"Nick, why don't you let me do that?" Iva said. "I think you'll probably want to go into town with Mr. Beckett."

Nick's head was spinning. "Yes, of course, you're right. We keep the key behind a shutter at the back door – "

"I'll take care of it," Iva said. "Tom, just give me an hour or so here after Mr. Beckett gets back to town, then come get me."

Dr. Merar nodded.

Nick got up again. "Just let me go collect her things upstairs – she had a will in her bag. I should give it to Jarrod."

Iva got up too. "No, you have some coffee. I know where her bag is and I'll collect her things and bring them all to you. You can check and be sure I've gotten them all, but right now, you should have some coffee, and I've made some toast, too."

"Yes, all right," Nick said, sitting down again.

Dr. Merar stood up beside his wife, saying, "I'll go get Mr. Beckett."

He gave his wife's hand a squeeze and went out.

Iva brought Nick a cup of coffee and a piece of bread. "I can make you an egg if you like."

"No, thank you, no," Nick said. "I'll eat something after – after Mr. Beckett and I see to Emily. When I get home."

Iva touched his shoulder. "I'll go get Emily's things together. It won't take long."

Nick nodded. Iva left, and then he was alone. Alone with what he knew after talking to Jarrod but couldn't tell Emily. Maybe it was best he never told her. Maybe it wouldn't have eased her soul but only made her feel worse. Maybe it was better he carried it himself and sorted it out with Jarrod himself.

Still, putting that aside, Nick was just knocked flat with the knowledge that she was already gone. He barely had even one day with her. He wanted more than that day. He wanted those years her brothers wanted her to have with him. But he didn't get them. Now he never would.

Now he could only cry.

XXXX

Within only a couple hours, it was all done. Mr. Beckett had come with one of his assistants. He conveyed all his regrets, took gentle care of Emily, and took her away in that subdued hearse he had. Not the fancy one he used for the funeral, but the working one he used to fetch people to his funeral parlor. Nick had gotten his horse fed, watered and hitched to the rented buggy before Mr. Beckett arrived, so he was ready to go when Mr. Becket was. He followed along all the way to town, leaving Iva to finish cleaning up.

Nick didn't notice the people staring, as they always did when Mr. Beckett's hearse went by, wondering who was in it and who was following along. Nick hitched his horse and buggy to the rail outside the funeral parlor, went in and took care of all the paperwork. There was a note with Emily's will that she wanted to be buried beside her husband in San Jose with only a graveside service there. The note said she had already made arrangements with the minister at the church in San Jose where her husband was buried.

"I'll wire this Rev. Peck, and I'll arrange for our family car to hook up to the train tomorrow morning," Nick said. "I'll go with her in our car. If there's some kind of delay when we get there, I'd feel better if she was lying somewhere safe."

"I'll wire my contact in San Jose and he will be there to meet you when you arrive," Mr. Beckett said.

Nick returned the horse and buggy to the livery, and he saw that Jarrod's horse was there. Nick stopped outside the stable to look down the street. He looked at Jarrod's office.

He didn't think for a moment that he ought to avoid his older brother right now. Nick knew he had to go there, to tell him that Emily was gone, to give him her will, and to finish what they had started the evening before. Easing Emily's soul was not an issue anymore, but easing his own, and easing Jarrod's, was.

Nick went straight to Jarrod's office. Jarrod's secretary was not in. The door to his inner office was open, and Nick could see Jarrod behind his desk. Jarrod looked up and saw him as Nick closed the outer door and came in.

Jarrod stood, staring, trying to understand why Nick was here. Then he understood, from looking at Nick's drawn face and red eyes. "Is she gone already?" Jarrod asked.

Nick nodded and handed Jarrod Emily's will.

"Oh, Nick, I'm sorry," Jarrod said, putting the will down on his desk.

"I didn't get the chance to talk to her about – about what we talked about yesterday. She went without knowing about you and Julia."

Jarrod didn't know what to say to that. He wasn't really relieved, not for himself. He was relieved for Emily, but it seemed callous to express any kind of relief right now.

"I'm sorry," Nick abruptly said.

Jarrod knew right away it was an apology to him. "For what?"

"For making you tell me what you told me. You were right all along. It was none of my business."

Jarrod tried to read what Nick was saying. "Are you sorry you know?"

"No," Nick said. "I'm sorry I put the blame on you."

Jarrod sighed a little. "You put it where it belongs, Nick. Matt never would have met Julia if I hadn't introduced them, and she never would have come here if she wasn't still in love with me. I'm the one who tangled the Parker family up with her. If it hadn't been for me, none of this would have happened to them."

"When did you find out Julia was a spy?" Nick asked.

"After I introduced her to Matt. We'd been together for a while. After we fell in love. And we were in love. She told me when she was here – she still loves me, even now."

"Do you still love her?" Nick asked.

Jarrod looked straight at his brother. "No, Nick. I don't."

"Back then, back during the war, she went after Matt because she loved you," Nick said.

"Yes," Jarrod said. "She jilted me and went after Matt. She told me when she was here that she did it because she couldn't use me, because she loved me. I didn't know until Matt was arrested that she was ever using me or Matt or anyone else. I didn't know she was a spy until Matt was arrested and she fled Washington. I didn't see her again until she came here."

Nick understood more now. He knew he should have realized Jarrod would never have introduced Julia to Matt if he knew what she was up to.

Jarrod went on. "I was turning 19, Nick, and my head was spinning because a beautiful woman was coming on to me. I fell in love with the attention and I fell in love with the fact that she fell in love with me. When I introduced her to Matt, I was bragging. And being a 19-year-old idiot, it didn't even occur to me when she jilted me for him that she was using both of us. I just got mad at Matt."

"Until he got arrested," Nick said.

Jarrod nodded. "She shattered him, Nick, and I hated her for that. I hated her for using me. She never got anything out of me, but I still hated her. And I hated a lot of myself, too."

Nick shook his head. Now that he had the whole picture, he could only say, "I'm sorry, Jarrod."

"Don't be sorry for me," Jarrod said. "I blame myself enough for what happened to the Parker family. Just have peace with yourself, because you were able to give peace to Emily. I'm glad you were able to be for her what I couldn't be for the rest of her family."

"If you didn't know what Julia Saxon was, you can't blame yourself for introducing her to Matt."

"I dealt with myself for that, but when Julia was here it riled it all up again – and then Ross and Worth – "

"Emily had it right," Nick interrupted. "They made their own bad decisions. Look, Jarrod, you and I have always been both close and at each other's throats, all at the same time. The last thing I want to do is dwell on Julia Saxon or the Parker family. I am glad Emily came to me and I was able to be there for her, but she's gone now, and it's all done now. All of it. I'm not blaming you for anything. Emily suspected what you told me about you and Matt and the war, and she didn't blame you either. If Julia coming here stirred that guilt up in you again, let it go. I'm letting it go. I'm not gonna talk about it with you or anybody else again, unless it's what you want. To ease your soul."

Jarrod didn't know what to say. He just said, "Thanks."

Nick said, "I'm gonna take Emily to San Jose in the family car, tomorrow morning."

"I want to go with you," Jarrod said.

Nick didn't know how he felt about that.

Jarrod said, "I need to take Emily's will to her lawyer and talk to him about seeing the property here is sold and the proceeds go to the orphanage. He'll need a contact here for that, and since we know each other, it should be me. And I owe this to Matt, and to all the Parkers. Is it all right if I go with you?"

Nick said, "Yeah, I suppose I shouldn't go alone anyway. Emily ought to have more than one mourner at her grave."

"You still loved her," Jarrod said.

Nick nodded. "Yeah, I didn't know it, but I still loved her. I probably always will." He let a breath out and said, "I'm gonna head on home."

"I'll go with you," Jarrod said. "I'm not that busy here, and I may need to do some explaining to the family myself. You're not the only one I owe some truth to, if they want it."

Nick gave him a soft smile and a, "Thank you, big brother."

Jarrod gave him a slap on the arm and grabbed his hat.

XXXXXX

When Nick and Jarrod got home, Nick explained what had happened with Emily but did not say anything about Jarrod's involvement. No one asked for details about her last days – that was Nick's to share if he wanted, or not. No one asked about the truth Jarrod thought he might owe them – that was there to deal with later, if anyone wanted to.

"I think we'd all like to go with you to San Jose, Nick," Victoria said. "Please."

Nick was grateful for that. The entire Barkley family traveled to San Jose together the next day and attended the graveside service with Nick the day after that. They stood with Nick as he read the 23rd Psalm at Emily's grave, sent her to be with her husband, and said good-bye.

Nick silently told Emily again that he loved her, and he thanked her that she entrusted the end of her life to him. It was a gift he never forgot.

The End