Author's Note: Possibly my all time favorite short story in this series. I just crack up every time I read this over. It started out as a filler story - I knew I needed something here, and didn't know what - and just... turned into this!

Enjoy the hilarity!

Story Title: Popcorn Moments.

Story Summary: Buffy is frustrated that the Doctor won't let her stake vampires. But her body language suggests she's frustrated for another reason entirely.


Popcorn Moments

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Buffy didn't know if it was her bad mood, or the fact that the Doctor had been doing exactly this for the last 3 years, but that night, when the Doctor plucked the stake out of her hand seconds before she could kill a vampire during her patrol, Buffy completely snapped.

She spun around, and charged at the Doctor, instead, trying to grab back the stake or — failing that — just grab him. He dodged her instinctively, confused.

"What—?"

"Stop doing that!" Buffy shouted. She grabbed at him again, and managed to catch his arm — the one not holding the stake, annoyingly enough for her — and twisted him around so that he faced her. "What is wrong with you?"

"What is—?"

"Stop saving vampires!" Buffy shouted, letting go of his arm so she could make another grab for the stake. He jumped backwards, and Buffy lunged at him, grasping him, instead, by his suit jacket, thrusting him towards her. "They're evil! They're insane! They're just… monsters that have stupid crushes on people they shouldn't have and… and… stop saving vampires!"

"I'm just giving them a choice," the Doctor told her, catching her right wrist in one of his cool hands.

Buffy shook him. "Then stop doing that!" she cried. "You show up, while I'm on patrol, running around the cemetery like… like… I don't know, a hot dog on legs — and then you taunt and beg the vampires to drink your blood! And when I try to stake them, you just steal the stakes and… let them swarm all over you!"

"I'm giving them back their souls," the Doctor said. "Their humanity."

"You could die!" Buffy said, dragging him closer to her. "They could kill you! It's a huge risk!"

"Actually, compared to most of the risks I take on a daily basis," the Doctor told her, "this one's pretty small."

Buffy barely restrained herself from smacking him until he saw reason. "They want to kill you!"

"So does most of the universe," the Doctor replied. "Never stopped me, before."

The vampire that Buffy had been attacking coughed, a little ways away. "Um, hello?" he asked them. "Am I getting staked, over here, or what?"

"No!" the Doctor shouted, while Buffy, at the same time, shouted, "Yes!"

They glared at one another.

Buffy let go of him and sprung to the left, trying to snatch the stake again, but the Doctor raised it out of reach just in time, and she slid against the ground. She got up and jumped on his back, twisting her legs around his stomach, her head on his shoulder so she could shout in his ear as she tried to grab the stake with her left hand, hanging on with her right.

"Why won't you just admit that vampires are creepy, sadistic maniacs who, if given a chance, would torture, kill, and destroy you just because they thought it was fun?" Buffy demanded, as he tried to shake her off.

"I'm not debating that point," said the Doctor, finally managing to dislodge her and topple her to the ground. He spun around to face her, as she jumped to her feet. "But I have a way to restore their humanity. How can I kill them, when I know I could cure them?"

"Because if you don't kill them, they could kill you!" Buffy said. "What if everything gets screwed up and they kill you before your vamp-away works? What about that, wise guy?"

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "I'd regenerate."

Which just made Buffy that much angrier, because it was true and it went completely against Buffy's point. She flew at him, and he dodged her again, that stake still out of reach. She managed to catch hold of his wrist.

"Well maybe I don't want you to regenerate!" said Buffy. "Maybe I like you looking all pinstripey!"

"Elizabeth, if any vampire tried to kill me, it'd be suicide, and they know it," said the Doctor, calmly. "It's a small risk. And even if it were a large one, I'd still do it. I can make them human, again. I can give them their lives back. If I can, then I have to. You know that."

"Oh, yeah? And what about the vampires that you just let run away?" Buffy asked. "The ones you don't turn human?"

The Doctor twisted his wrist out of her hand. "They won't be much trouble."

"They're vampires!" Buffy insisted, advancing on him, backing him towards a mausoleum. "They're going to run off and torture people! Kill people! They won't stop just because you said a few mean-sounding words!"

"She's right, you know," said the vampire, who'd somehow wound up with a bag full of popcorn, munching it as he watched the two of them shouting at each other. "We won't."

"And if they make the wrong choice, then they'll die," the Doctor said, shoving the hand holding the stake behind his back. "I've told them that."

"No, they won't," Buffy growled, "because you keep stealing my stakes before I can kill them!"

"There's always a better way," the Doctor told her.

Buffy grabbed him by his shoulders and thrust him against the mausoleum wall. "Not for vampires."

"For all creatures," said the Doctor, wrapping his free hand around her waist and trying to spin her away from him. "Any creature I come across. Vampires need to drink blood to survive. Their instincts make them crave human blood, but that's not their fault. They have to see that they can overcome that. They have to see they can change."

"They can't change!" said Buffy, leaning in closer. "They're monsters!"

"Because they're not human, you mean?" the Doctor asked her.

"No!" said Buffy. "Because they're evil, and vicious, and they like to kill and torture people!"

"Krillitaine were like that, too," said the Doctor. "I still gave them a chance."

Buffy stood on her tip-toes and leaned in close enough that her face was centimeters from his. "You don't give Daleks a chance."

The Doctor started at this. Buffy knew it unnerved him when she mentioned that she'd seen Daleks. He'd asked her about it, before, and she'd been as vague as she could be, considering it was in his future. But she knew he was worried about it.

Whatever. She wanted him to feel edgy and uneasy. She knew it was a low blow, but she didn't care.

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her. "Vampires are not Daleks."

"Yeah, they are!" Buffy insisted. "They're hate filled, and evil, and—"

"Daleks are genetically incapable of feeling anything but anger and hatred," said the Doctor. "Vampires feel plenty beyond that. Love. Grief. Loneliness."

"Yeah, but it's all twisted and wrong and creepy!" She gestured at the vampire nearby with her right hand. "Like… this guy! See? He's totally excited to watch us fight! He's even eating popcorn!"

"Naw, I'm just waiting for the sex," said the vampire.

Buffy and the Doctor froze, and both swiveled their heads around towards the vampire.

"Huh?" Buffy asked.

"Oh, yeah," said the vampire, eating another popcorn kernel. "I mean, you two could stand around here talking about whether it's better to thrust hot, sweaty stakes into bodies, or if you should just let it go with the sucking and biting and licking, but I'm waiting until you stop talking and actually do something about it."

"What conversation were you listening to?" the Doctor asked him.

"Listening has nothing to do with it!" said the vampire. "The body language says it all."

The distraction allowed Buffy to twist the Doctor's arm around from behind his back and reclaim the stake that he'd taken from her. She darted away before he could grab it back. "See?" she demanded of him, pointing the stake at the vampire. "Twisted! Creepy! Weird!" She spun around and raced towards the vampire, ready to finish him off.

The Doctor leapt forwards and grabbed her by the shoulders, sliding her off her trajectory and removing the stake from her hands before she had a chance to kill the vampire in question. Buffy dug her heels into the dirt, and managed to stop herself, the Doctor still right on top of her back, clinging on as if he'd fall off if he let go. She grabbed at his hands — hooked above her chest, stake in their clutches — and tried to wrestle it away from him.

"All right, back entrance!" said the vampire. "Go for the unconventional!"

"Have you listened to how creepy and messed up this guy is!" Buffy shouted, now trying to shake the Doctor off her back so he'd drop the stake. "That's what they're like! They're dark and sexually twisted!"

"That doesn't mean you should kill them!" the Doctor insisted, swinging his arms over her head and slipping off her back, shoving the stake into one of his pockets.

Buffy did a backwards flip so she was facing him, her eyes dark and stormy. "They're part of a network of pure evil! They can't be better people, Doctor, because they're not people anymore! The person died, and all that's left is a demon inside that body."

"A biologically morphing parasitic life form," the Doctor said.

"Yes!"

"And doesn't that biologically morphing parasitic life form deserve a chance, too?" he asked her. "If it's not harming anyone—"

Buffy flew at him, clutching him by the shoulders. "They are harming people! They're biting their throats and killing them!" She tried to force his trench coat off his shoulders, so she could get at the damn stake he'd hidden in the pocket.

"But they might change," the Doctor told her, grabbing at her hands so she'd stop undressing him. "See that what they're doing is wrong. If I can show them that…"

"First Dawn, now you!" Buffy shouted, ripping her hands out of the Doctor's grip and stepping closer towards him, backing him towards a nearby tree. "I'm sick of saying this! Vampires do not change! They don't love, or… have crushes… or… anything! They can't be better, ever! They have no souls, and they're not going to get a soul unless you force it on them. They're not people who can make a choice, they're not aliens that can make themselves better, they're just evil sadistic murdering monsters that will always do the wrong thing!"

The Doctor shook his head. "I can't believe that."

Buffy threw her hands in the air. "Oh, because if you believe it, it has to be true."

"I can help people by believing in them," said the Doctor. "Giving them the courage to do the right thing."

Buffy turned to the vampire on the sidelines. "Hey, vampire! Guess what? You're evil, but the Doctor thinks you can be nice! What do you think about that?"

"I think you should stick your tongue down his throat!" the vampire told her.

"One chance," the Doctor told Buffy. "Everyone deserves one chance."

"Except for vampires, who get 50,000," said Buffy, edging closer to him. She glanced down and then thrust her hand down the Doctor's pocket. And… dear God it was big! Really, really big! It was any wonder that thing wasn't bulging!

The Doctor faltered. "That's… complicated," he insisted, dragging her hand out of his pocket where she'd apparently picked out a long, skinny balloon that was definitely not a stake.

Buffy squeezed the balloon until it popped, the Doctor's hand still tightly wrapped around her own. "And tell me this, wise guy. If you're so anti-staking vampires, why are they so scared you're going to stake them?"

The Doctor didn't answer, his hand still wrapped around her own.

"I'll tell you why," said Buffy, stepping in so close to him that she was practically on top of him. "It's because you don't do this! For some reason, the moment you arrive here, you go from being all Mr. Vampire Staker to Mr. Give-Them-A-Chancer."

The Doctor still didn't answer.

Buffy extracted her hand from his, and pushed him up against a nearby tree trunk, her hands just over his hearts, her knees interwoven with his own. "That's right, I've been doing some reading on you, Oncoming Storm!" said Buffy. "Everywhere else in history, you're the one destroying vampires right and left. The only time you're all forgiving and second-chancing is right around me. So I get it! You don't want me to kill vampires because it's me! I'm not listening, so just stop."

"Oh, yeah, that's it!" shouted the vampire from the sidelines, munching on his popcorn. "Give him the dominatrix routine!"

"It's not just around you," the Doctor said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"So… what? It's Sunnydale?" asked Buffy. "Vampires are evil everywhere else, but on the mouth of Hell, they're acceptable?"

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair. "Not… exactly."

Buffy glared at him, since he'd just ruffled his hair in that way that made him look all cute and adorable. She reached up and purposely ruffled his hair randomly, so it wasn't as cute.

"Listen, Elizabeth," said the Doctor, catching her hand and removing it from his head. "There's a reason. A terribly good reason. But… I can't tell you, now."

Buffy reached out for his head again — because it seemed to annoy him — but he ducked, rolling out of the way, and popping up a short ways away from her.

"It's complicated," the Doctor told her. "And I'm sorry I can't say more. But I promise, I'll explain—"

Buffy swung around and sprung at him, tackling him to the ground, her arms wrapped around his chest.

"If you say what I think you're about to say, I will hit you!" Buffy snapped.

The Doctor tried to get free, but Buffy forced his arms against the ground, throwing her right leg on the other side of him so that she was straddling his stomach.

"I can't help but notice," said the Doctor, "that you're a wee bit more aggressive than usual, tonight."

"Yeah," said Buffy, leaning down to shout right in his face, "because you don't let me stake vampires!" She banged a fist down against the ground beside his head, just to make a point. "Not even Spike!"

"Spike?" the Doctor asked, raising an eyebrow at her. "Is that what this is about?"

"No!" Buffy insisted.

"I'm just saying, because of all the emphasis you've placed on vampires showing their affection," the Doctor said. "I thought maybe—"

"I am not in love with Spike," Buffy growled, leaning in so close that their noses were touching.

"I'll say!" hooted the vampire along the sidelines. "Whoo-ey! You two are hot!"

Buffy and the Doctor determinedly ignored him.

"Do you know how pissed off I was at Riley for making vampires drink his blood?" said Buffy, adjusting her hands so they wrapped around the Doctor's shoulders. "And here you show up, all the time, getting the vampires to do exactly the same thing to you. For free! And it's about time I got mad at you about it!"

"Elizabeth—"

"Is it some kind of Time Lord fetish or something?" Buffy demanded. "Is that what this is? You just can't get enough of vampires drinking your blood, so you steal my stakes and don't let me kill them, because you want them to make you hot?"

"Hell yeah!" shouted the vampire from the sidelines.

"Elizabeth," said the Doctor, his eyes fixed on Buffy's. "It's not something I enjoy. It's just something I have to do."

"Not throughout the rest of history, you don't," said Buffy.

"I've already explained that."

"No," said Buffy. "You said you'd tell me later. That's not an explanation."

"As much of one as you gave me, when you told me how you know the Daleks," the Doctor replied.

Buffy said nothing, but her grip loosened a little, and their mouths drifted centimeters closer.

"Vampires can change, Elizabeth," said the Doctor. "It's difficult, but it's possible. One vampire can make the right choice and become better."

Buffy stared down into his eyes, and they were so in earnest, so determined to make her see that he was right…

"Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!" the vampire from the sidelines chanted.

"Excuse me," said the Doctor, turning his head to look at the vampire. "We're trying to have a serious discussion about morality, here! If you'd kindly pop off until—"

"Oh, come on!" the vampire complained. "You guys have been all over each other this whole time! Now you're both lying down, nose-to-nose. You've practically got your tongue down her throat. She's straddling you. You've got the dirty-talk going full swing! Take off your clothes and do something already!"

Buffy glared at him, but realized that the Doctor had actually been resting his hands on the small of her back. Which was… kind of a bit more intimate than she'd thought.

"There is nothing sexual about our topic of discussion!" the Doctor insisted. "We're debating the moral implications of one of the finer points of saving the world. If you have anything to contribute…"

The Doctor winced, as a piece of popcorn landed squarely in his eye. Buffy batted another kernel flying towards her cheek. The vampire reached into the bag, and continued throwing popcorn at them.

"Boo! This is boring! Get on with the sex!" he shouted, flinging a popcorn kernel into Buffy's hair.

Buffy seethed, as the popcorn continued to rain down on them. She made to get up and stake the vampire bastard through its heart, but the Doctor had hooked his arms behind her back, and dragged her back down again, issuing her a warning stare.

"He may be annoying, but he hasn't actually killed anyone, yet," the Doctor told her.

"It's only a matter of time," Buffy insisted.

"Maybe this is good for him," the Doctor said. "Maybe some of what we've said has gotten through to him."

The vampire turned the popcorn bag upside down, realizing he was finally out. He crinkled the bag into a ball, and tossed it over his shoulder. "Whatever. I'm gonna go nip out and grab a teenage girl to snack on. Don't start the sex without me."

The Doctor and Buffy looked at each other. Then the Doctor took the stake out of his pocket, and handed it back to Buffy.

Buffy jumped to her feet, and two seconds later, the vampire was a pile of dust on the cemetery ground. She turned back to the Doctor, who was getting up off the ground, brushing the popcorn kernels off his suit.

"You know what?" she said. "I feel a lot better, now." She tossed the stake over her shoulder, and smiled at him. "Wanna go get a pizza or something?"

The Doctor stuck his hands in his pockets, grinning. "Why not?"