Identity Crisis
By Narkness


CHAPTER THREE
Thanks For The Mammaries


Bella's first instinct was to do what anyone else would have done when a trio of yelling mud-men bounded through her door with a great crash: Scream like a little girl. Later, her second reaction was to pause and stare like a retard because, well, she didn't remember ordering sexy male hunks.

She wished she'd had the sense to simply take it like a…err…man. Instead, she squealed, which no one should be recommended to do with a mouth full of food. Bella paused mid-shriek as food was propelled from her mouth, onto her pants and shirt. It was too late. She drew a breath in and was spluttering and gagging as she inhaled the remaining particles of food too fast down her throat. Her eyes watered with embarrassment and she fought to find something to say in the awkward stinging silence.

Her eyes were torn from her filthy pants when a boom of laughter reverberated and jolted her ear-drums, and a hand suddenly smacked her so hard on the back that she was almost thrown off the bed and all air was expelled from her lungs with a whoosh. A muddy-bear giant was standing over her, his bare belly shaking with laughter.

"Dude, that was freakin' hilarious!" He exclaimed, running a muddy hand through his even muddier hair, it looked dank and blonde. Bella's back stung and her shirt was now wet against her back. Ew. Mud. How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? Hot boys kill brain cells. "You scream like a pussy." Bella momentarily mentally questioned if pussies screamed. Must be a dude thing. Take it like a man.

Bella blinked. "Err…thank you?" She internally cringed the moment the words left her lips. She sounded as pathetic as she felt.

"Who are you?" One of the mud-men questioned bluntly with a raised eyebrow. He spoke with just the slightest bit of Southern drawl. Muddy, shiny muscles. It took Bella a moment to realize that his words required an answer.

"I'm Bel -" She began, stuttering awkwardly as she fought to regain composure, "B-Benjamin." Bella almost shouted as she wrapped her lips around the word. It came out to fast and too hurried, like diarrhea. "Benjamin James."

The muddy-Southern monster raised a neat, questioning eyebrow. He was watching Bella like she was mentally retarded. Fair enough.

"So…which one of you three is my room mate?" Bella began, trying to speak deep in her throat, but only came out as pathetic rumbling. Keep your cool. The tallest started chuckling from behind her.

"That would be Edward." The mud-bear growled, almost rolling around with laughter. She finally noticed the third mud-boy in the bedroom, when a guiding arm poked her in his direction.

She sucked in an unintentional breath of air. If the sight had been distracting before, this one slaughtered her brain cells with a chainsaw in a dark alley, pour acid on her nerves and scorched her thoughts to a charred, yet wobbly, jelly-like mass. Yet, her only remaining thoughts were now primitive and instinctual.

Auburn, muddy hair, messy, twisted and stuck up in all directions. A work of art. Green, Emerald, Jade, Bottle Green, Olive; all those words apply to his beautiful set of peepers. Pale chiseled face, full lips, stubble. Mud clotted and slid down his chest like hot butter. Broad shoulders, muscular arms, lean, almost lanky torso. Shirtless. Mud clung darkly to a thin trail of hair leading down, down, disappearing down to where pants were covering his – Unngh.

"Is he okay?"

"I think he might be slow."

A big muddy hand waved up and down before her spaced out face. She blinked back into focus and her face grew red-hot. Edward was pure sex.

"Hi." She squeaked feebly, her voice broke at the end.

"I'm Edward Cullen," He spoke for the first time. Bella's first though was if it was possible to explode from voice alone. Rough, crushed, rippling velvet sliding down… - Her brain had almost jumped ship again.

"Pp-pleasure to meet you." She stuttered, leaping unsteadily to her feet and wobbling. Her regurgitated food hit the carpet, splattered with a sickening chunky vomit sound and spread into every pour and fiber. When she glanced up in the sickening silence, emerald eyes were narrowed at her. Edward was glaring at her like something nasty on his shoe.

She was a clumsy fool. Her lips moved before she could realize, and it was too late to take it back, "I gotta pee." She stammered, her feet finding floor and making ground. However her foot caught and slid on the vomit splatter, she stumbled, expecting to meet carpet, instead she reached out and ran into a muddy Edward.

Everything moved in slow motion, as her hands, not finding correct ground, slid down his slippery chest and scrabbled south, as they fell to the ground.

"Get. The. Hell. Off. Me."

Her hands were down his pants.


I'm back in action. Please accept this poor excuse for a chapter as an apology for my absence. Never fear, descriptive torsos are here. Reviews make me squee like a fan-girl.

A special thank you to my awesome reviewers! I love you guys more than Apple Pie Yogurt, which is a lot. I do have block exams soon, but as always, sporadic updates are to be expected.

I know I want my hands down Edward's pants...Review for more. :)

- Narkness.