A/N: In short, I'm sorry. I dedicate this to all the patient readers, who have put up with my humungous delays. Thanks.


Identity Crisis
By Narkness


CHAPTER SIX
Get Your Hands Off My Homo!


Edward was curious about Homosexuality. Or in the very least actually identifying it. It was doing his head in, trying to figure out what identifying factors were. It wasn't like anyone had ever given him a proper explanation. Normally, there wasn't much identifying to do, because it was quite easy to spot the two boys making out behind the bleachers.

But, Benjamin was a mystery, and the puzzle pieces scattered across the floor. Ben wasn't groping another boy behind the bleachers. But Edward's own reaction to coming into contact with the boy had to be induced by emanating homosexuality. Surely screaming another boy's name in his sleep was a factor, unless of course, Benjamin had a rather close relationship with his brother…or friend, also named 'Jake'. Those effeminate, wimpy features could probably be explained by genetics.

Edward did the only thing his rational mind could think to do. He weighed up the for and against argument and put the boy in his mental, 'suspected homosexuality' list. His rational mind refused to consider Benjamin wasn't the homosexual roommate in room 127/5. He couldn't talk to his friends, and wouldn't be caught dead checking out a book at the library. His only rational options were the internet or his father. Internet won in favor of zero sex talk. The first time had been awkward enough.

Last night, Edward's thoughts had been consumed with nothing but self-pity and loathing over Lauren. That changed when Benjamin woke with yelling. It consumed his thoughts throughout English and right up until lunch. Few paid much heed to his distraction, Edward was always deep in some form of though. He was crossing the damp, green lawn to the cafeteria before he finally had a thought outside of operation homo. Emmett and Jasper were thundering across the lawn towards him, their shit-eating grins were probably due to being free of the stuffy library for spares.

Instead, for once, they actually surprised Edward. No one ever could have foreseen the pair voluntarily falling to their knees on the wet lawn, bowing and screaming, "We are not worthy!" repeatedly.


"So, what's it like rooming with Eddy-teddy?"

Bella looked at Mike like he'd spontaneously sprouted an extra head, or had proclaimed he was Queen of the Dance. "What?" She spouted, less than eloquently and sounding every bit the part of clueless testosterone.

In the sparse moments that Bella had known Mike, between first class and first break, she'd already taken note of his character and knew to expect anything to be said. The boy knew no shame. No shame. Words were not edited, just spilled out like a cringe-worthy fanfiction.

"I know," Mike agreed, shrugging and exhaling, "Eddy is more like a slinky mountain lion, Emmy seems more like a big, huggable teddy. Either way, that boy is sex on a stick."

Bella blinked. She wet her lips.

Mike leaned forward on his elbows on the lunch table, eagerly awaiting any single syllable to reach her lips. "Come on, spill the goods Benji-boy!"

Goods…Mmmh. Bella's burger, probably made of moose hooves and E. Coli, suddenly became captivating as her cheeks flushed at the thought of goods. Eddy-teddy's goods to be precise. "He is…umm…very…" Bella stuttered, struggling to find much to mention that wouldn't reveal her stance over the boy, "clean." She choked out.

Mike's eyebrows rose excitedly at the unspectacular news, as if it were Christmas. "I imagine he is. One does not look that good without an intense amount of time in the mirror." Mike sounded almost forlorn then, hoping to hear that Edward's look was perfectly natural. Bella was no judge of male sprucing.

"That wasn't what I -" Bella began to correct, but Mike's puppy-like demeanor meant he sat bolt upright, beaming happily at an approaching someone. Bella whirled around to trying to figure out just who had Mike's tail wagging. She should have known better.

Edward Cullen was glaring severely at her, clutching his lunch tray with white knuckles. "We should invite him over!" Mike began cheerily. Before Bella could pray that the floor would fall out from beneath her, Mike threw his arm up in the air, "Hey, Eddy!" He cried across the cafeteria, so everyone could hear. No shame.

Bella tried to use her newly found mind-powers to either A: cause spontaneous combustion of herself, or B: restrain herself from stabbing Mike in the eye with her spork. C was henceforth chosen, which involved staring very, very hard at the bleached table-top until she was dizzy. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment as Mike began to wave his arm around wildly until he had Edward's attention.

Footsteps sounded, coming closer and Bella's heart did an odd tap-dance on her ribs. This was the last and only time she was accepting friendship from a fabulous Satan. A hand slammed down on the back of her chair, and she jumped. Mike's expression had changed from puppy-like anticipation of a pat, to about-to-be-hit-with-a-newspaper.

"Hello kiddies. How's the homo convention going?" Bella wasn't sure whether to be relieved that it wasn't Edward or not. The back of Bella's chair was jolted again, as a very tall, tanned boy leant over the table and proceeded to open her burger, and spit in her lunch, as if to say, Welcome.


Edward expected strange and unusual from his two best-friends. He expected irritating acts of sock tie-dying, crash tackling, secret interrogations and scrawling I love penis in permanent marker on his face while he slept. Once, they even stole his piano. Once. And yet, for all the stupid, unpredictable things they did, Edward was rather confused as to why they were screaming we are not worthy on their knees and flailing their arms up and down while bowing.

At first, his jaw slackened. Then, secondly, his cheeks burned with irritation as Emmett and Jasper found another way to embarrass him in front of his peers. Edward liked to think he was somewhat respected among the school, and yet, his friends had none. "What are you doing?!" Edward snapped, ushering them up. Boys had paused on their way to lunch to stare around the wet lawn. "Get up, idiots."

Emmett and Jasper leapt to their feet, not bothered by stares and whispers. "Dude, you totally didn't tell us you cheated on Lauren! We just heard you got with Tanya and Jessica last weekend. You're like a legend now."

Edward's stomach plummeted with disgust. "Tanya is my cousin!" He defended. "I didn't cheat on anyone with anyone!" Edward bellowed, his hands clenching around his books fiercely.

"She's your adopted cousin." Jasper reminded quietly, slicing open a whole new bag of worms. "I told you it wasn't true." Jasper whispered, and Emmett looked put-out. Jasper punched Emmett in the arm and Emmett punched Jasper automatically. Edward's mental capacity was filled and his eye twitched.

Suddenly, a low growl filled the air, and Edward smacked the two simultaneously with his four-inch thick Biology textbook. His feet found the footpath and the two watched dumbstruck as Edward stormed off. The sky opened up with rain again. Emmett rubbed his head, and reluctantly shelled out the ten bucks to Jasper. Jasper smiled, pleased with himself as they strolled toward the cafeteria.


Being a legend wasn't something Edward fancied, and he made that perfectly clear to everyone as he stamped into the building with a petulant pout and breathing like an angry bull. His bag was thrown down in his seat and his textbook hit the table with an echoing slam of lamination meeting the table top. It jolted the entire table. Edward pushed himself through the lunchtime crowd to fight tooth and nail just for a piece of generic, slimy non-meat.

The last time Edward had a hamburger, he was in bed sick with severe diarrhea for a week. Instead, even in his state of confused anger, took a salad and an apple. Edward held his tray and turned. A feeling of great annoyance seized the pit of his stomach. James.

James was perhaps the single most annoying, rude outlet of testosterone in existence. That and, the bastard was forever trying to beat his long distance running record, with a fair amount of success since they were five. It was still powerful competition. And most horrid of all, James liked to rub anything in Edward's face if it could, sometimes literally. The room wasn't large enough for his ego and his big head too.

Edward bristled and gripped the tray hard enough to sink his fingers into the plastic. His suspectedly homosexual roommate was sitting with the only well-known fruit in the school. If that wasn't bad enough, James was well-known for his induction hazing. It was going to be ten-times worse with the social stigma of making friends with Mike Newton.

And as if it couldn't get any worse, Newton threw his arm up and called to him wildly, drawing the attention to his new counterpart, who was staring at him with wild eyes and flushed cheeks. It didn't go unnoticed by James, who, after a mere chuckle to his own counterpart, began to stroll across the cafeteria with an obnoxious gait.

Edward knew he had split decision to be made. The first was to close his eyes, and pretend this was just another student hazing. But, his heart wrenched like a bastard over the second as James pressed his hand into the back of Benjamin's chair, his lips forming something maliciously and reaching for his food. The second turned out to be catapulting himself across the room, as James spat into the vomitburger. "What do you want, Assward?" James asked, as Edward found himself standing above him.

Something unusual was bubbling up inside him, much larger than the out-burst of hitting Jasper and Emmett. In fact, Edward wasn't violent natured at all. But for once, he felt it for only the third time in his life. The first had been when his neighbor had run over his cat. Uncontrollable anger.

James was the neighbor and the cat seemed to be either Benjamin, or at least his lunch. He wasn't too sure. Edward did what his seven-year-old self had wanted to do many years ago to a particularly obnoxious Mustang-driving wanker. He was taller now. Edward threw his tray at James and decked him.


Life seemed to travel in slow motion after a most terrifying Edward threw his salad at the accused. Bella was frozen stiff as lettuce, tomato and beetroot went flying, with a dash of mayo into the hair of the boy. She was partially grateful, and squeaked in surprise as Edward punched the boy with a great ponytail. Bella was rather certain that people didn't go around punching people at her old school.

Bella found herself sliding, petrified from her chair, as Edward swore as the pony-boy retaliated easily and leapt on him. Things were escalating as someone else threw food at the two of them, as they wrestled through punches. Edward had matted potato in his hair and swore noisily at someone who was quickly named James in shouts. A crowd was forming, chanting happily. James' cheek was smeared with mayonnaise and had a little in his eye as he drew back his fist to try to hit Edward. He missed and Edward took a swing.

Bella though, despite her horror, that their fight might be more successful if the two weren't rolling around on the ground. She tilted her head, and shuddered at the thought. The two boys had now found it far more booming to mash each other menacingly into piles of food being thrown good naturedly.

"Oi!" Came a shout that had all involved quivering in terror and undoubtedly raining on their parade. Bella and the rest, turned to stare at the man in a red velour tracksuit. No body laughed, even as the comical man reached down to easily pry to two boys apart as if they were merely kittens. "Principal, now!" The teacher bellowed in their ears, and shook them upright. "What are you all bloody staring at? Eat your food!"

Bella didn't believe that someone in velour could command such terrific attention. Her bottom found the chair before it could find the floor and she watched Edward and James go. It was an usual feeling she felt. She passed off for nausea at the sight of avocado mashed into beetroot and potato. It was just plain unnatural.

Mike sat with a slice of lettuce adorning his pale blonde hair. He looked puzzled and a little…pleased. Ew. Mike swallowed nervously. "Can I – ah," He looked down at his food, away from her, "would you like some of my chips?" He offered casually, as if all were perfectly normal.


The rest of the school day was new, different, and entirely surreal. But, even as Bella tried to focus on her Biology teacher Mr. Banner, her thoughts still slipped back to what Edward was facing in that Principal's office, hopefully a shower eventually. She'd never been defended like that. Mind you, James did seem to be a total asshole, what with the spitting and un-inventive insults. Bella wasn't upset like most girls should have been at Edward's undoubtedly hidden violent side. Who knew two boys wrestling in food would entertain her. Bella bit her lip hard, and unintentionally cried out as she drew blood. Idiot.

The class was staring, the lecture disrupted. Bella kept her head down. The rest of the class though she was an idiot too now. No one bar the teacher spoke to her, and Bella was almost forlorn that Mike had a biology partner across the room. It was just an empty space beside her. Edward didn't make an appearance for the rest of the day.

Neither did James for that matter. Mike told her to be very thankful for that, as they walked to Gym. "He is gorgeous, but in an evil way, you know?" Mike said conversationally about James, pushing open the door. Bella just nodded and smiled. She'd been introduced to Mike's small unit of friends in the second lunch break. Thankfully, the two were terribly straight and fantastically unattractive to her. Conversation was easy, disturbingly.

But, now Bella was faced with her worst nightmare the shape of red velour and sweaty gym shorts. It had been hellish as herself, but as a pansy looking guy, she knew she'd be eaten alive. It was just badminton! She told herself.

"Come on," Mike added, "Locker room."

Her heart plummeted and she dragged her zombie feet toward the ominous sign of Boy's Locker Room. She really was a class A fool for not taking sport into consideration. Mike pushed the door open, just a little and Bella had already seen enough. What is – Oh. My. God.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Bella stammered, "I'm sorry." She had no idea why on earth she'd said that, probably poor writing issues, but she'd just seen hell, and it wasn't pretty. She ran, without thought for the consequence.


Edward had spent the rest of the day sitting in a room, doing anything but considering the consequences of his actions. James was a wanker, Edward was doing a favour to everyone by taking the bastard down a peg. He was sure the secretary was giving him a smile of congratulations. What he couldn't stand was the thick clod of food on him, and had cleaned himself meticulously with nothing more than a handkerchief and a sink in the bathroom the first chance he got.

After hours of explaining his side of the story and having his father fucking called down to the office, they released Edward with little chance of getting a half-worthy dinner. It was hotdog night, and all the good ones were always gone within the first forty-five minutes of scrambling and name-calling. His cheek was bruising up swimmingly as he scraped through the almost empty cafeteria. There was nothing but a mutilated sausage in half-bun. He took it. A seventeen year-old is ruled by his stomach. He was sure he had some energy bars stashed up in his room somewhere.

When Edward clambered up the halls and back to his room, he'd almost forgotten he had a roommate. Benjamin was sitting on his bed, reading, Wuthering Heights? Jesus. The kid jumped when Edward stepped in and tried to hide the book under his sheets. "Hi." He squeaked.

Edward grunted, and locked himself in the bathroom for an hour of severe scrubbing. But, no amount of hospital grade soap could scrub his mind clean. He hated it when they called his father down to the school. All he did was look very calm and then look pointedly at him, with such disappointment. He expected a tearful call from his mother sometime this week.

Ben was waiting, it seemed, when Edward stepped out in his only pair of pajamas. Previously, he'd had the luxury of just boxer shorts, but was strangely uncomfortable with that now. They were his hospital pajamas, from when he'd had his tonsils out last year. He liked the hospital, and all that artificial air and sharp smell of disinfectant.

Edward threw himself down into bed and flicked off the light.

"Thank you." Said a small voice, after a stinging time. The kid was thanking him? For what? Oh.

"I didn't do it for you." Edward grumbled, rolling over and pulling up his sheets. He hoped he'd just drop it, and Edward could return to the land of the straight and manly.

"Still." Ben murmured, "I hope you didn't get in too much trouble."

Edward bristled now, for an entirely different reason. "I'm not allowed to compete at next month's long distance run, along with detention for a week." It was the worst punishment possible, to ban a man from sport. Edward was pleased though that it meant that James wouldn't be either. "Now, shh!" Edward said hurriedly, in the silence and pulled his pillow to his chest protectively.

"I know you don't like me, but does this…make us friends?" Edward was beginning to wonder if this kid listened to a word he said. He thought.

"No." Edward said briskly, just ready to shut-up and sleep. It was like rooming with a drunk Emmett all over again when they were kids. "Just…" Edward wanted to give this kid a chance, because there wasn't many people he knew who would thank him and apologize, "Acquaintances."

Benjamin let out a sound that sounded like a pleased sigh. Edward shivered at the girly sound, it did funny things to his stomach. It was strangely enthralling, that this was the longest conversation they'd ever had, and weren't even looking each other in the eye. There was sheet rustling and the other lamp was turned out. "Goodnight."

"Night." Edward whispered, but it turned out to be to no one in particular, as soft snores came almost instantly from the other side of the room. Definitely like a drunk Emmett. Edward slept contentedly that night, his hair free of potato and his cheek swelling up bright black and blue.


A/N: Life is a fantastic writer's block.

Also, I'm going to pretend that receiving no reviews on the last chapter was a fanfiction malfunction. RIGHT?

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE PREVIOUS, AND FUTURE, HOMOSEXUALITY JOKES. The views of Edward Cullen and all young men involved do not represent my own. :)?

Chapter Title Spoof: Get Your Hands Off My Woman – Ben Folds Feat. Corn Mo.

I'd really love some feedback, to know if I'm doing something wrong, or something right, or completely offending someone's mother. Even if it's just to tell me to update soon. Also, I'm available for BETA-ing in my spare time. Hit me up.