CHAPTER 5

Early the next morning, Nicky crept down the steps before his mother awoke. Stealing down the hallway he slipped into the larger bedroom and looked at his older brother. He was shocked by the change in David's appearance since the last time Nicky had seen him. When he heard about the shooting, he had refused to go to California with his mother. If David was going to die because of his obsession with being a cop, then Nicky didn't plan on being there to watch it.

"Hey, Bro," Nicky whispered as he stepped up beside the bed glaring down at his sleeping brother. "I always knew you'd end up like this." His voice turned cold and bitter "Where was your precious Hutch when you got gunned down, huh? I bet he was too busy covering his own ass to worry about you."

Although the two brothers had become estranged over the years, Nicky still hated Hutch for taking what he considered his rightful place in his brother's life. And the tall, arrogant blond didn't care for Nicky either. Nicky had never forgiven David for what he saw as his older brother's abandonment after their father's murder. When David came home for the summer after his release from the army, Nicky had resented what he saw as his interference in Nicky's life but at the same time, he longed for the closeness that they used to share. Then when David suddenly announced that he was going back to California, Nicky had felt betrayed and abandoned all over again.

"I don't know why Ma insisted on bringing you back home. Why didn't she just stick you in a nursing home and get on with her life. I would have." Nicky sneered. "Or better yet, let Hutch take care of you. I bet he'd jump at the chance to wipe your ass and clean up your puke. Ma better not expect me to. I got better things to do with my life."

When David moaned in his sleep and turned his head toward the sound of Nicky's voice, the younger man quickly slipped out of the room before his brother woke up. Grabbing his jacket from the hallway closet, Nicky left the house to hang out with his friends.

The slamming of the front door awoke Rachel who quickly slipped out of bed and went to check on David. She knew that Nicky had snuck out of the house so he wouldn't have to help her care for his brother. David was just starting to show signs of waking up, so Rachel hurried into the kitchen for his morning medications. By the time she returned, Starsky's eyes were open and he was frantically looking around the room.

"I'm right here, honey." Rachel soothed him as she helped him take his pills.

"Where am I?" David asked in a confused voice.

"You're at home. In New York."

"Hutch?" he asked hopefully

"He had to stay in California." Rachel told him gently. "Are you hungry?"

"No." Starsky said sullenly. He squirmed uncomfortably and looked embarrassed. "I need to pee."

Rachel nodded and threw back the covers to help him out of bed. Starsky stood up, swaying unsteadily until he got his bearings. Wrapping an arm securely around his waist, Rachel slowly led him across the room to the adjoining bathroom. In the hospital he had always insisted that Hutch or one of the nurses help him but here he had no choice but to allow his mother to do something that even a man's mother shouldn't have to help him with once he was an adult. Rachel guided him to the commode and helped him balance himself by bracing one hand against the wall. He closed his eyes, a flush creeping up his neck and into his face, as Rachel tugged his white boxers down over his hips.

"For goodness sake, David, you don't have anything that your father didn't have." Rachel scolded him when she noticed the grimace of discomfort on his face. Starsky snorted at her words which was exactly the reaction she had been hoping for. She turned her back to give him some privacy but he was still painfully aware of her presence in the room as he emptied his painfully full bladder. When he was finished, Rachel pulled up his boxers and waited patiently while he washed his hands.

"I'll make you something to eat and then you can get dressed." She said as she helped him back to the bed. She ignored her son's pained look as she walked out of the room.

David's digestive system had been traumatized by the shooting and his appetite was almost non-existent. It was a challenge to find foods not only that he could eat without throwing up but also foods that would tempt him to eat in the first place. Remembering how much he had loved rice pudding with maple syrup as a child that's what Rachel decided to fix. When it was ready, she returned to the bedroom and helped David sit up, propping several pillows behind his back to support him.

She coaxed him into eating about a third of the pudding before David shook his head and refused anymore. Sitting the bowl aside for the moment, Rachel said, "Fine but if you won't eat then you'll have to drink one of those nutrition shakes." She knew that David hated the chalky taste of the shakes and would do just about anything to avoid drinking them. With that subtle bit of blackmail she was able to coax him into eating a few more bites.

When he finished Rachel took the bowl into the kitchen. Returning to the bedroom, she took a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt out of the dresser. Sitting the clothes on the edge of the bed, she gently cupped David's beard roughened chin in her hand and forced him to look at her.

"I know how hard this is for you and I'm sorry. I can always call Jacob to come over and help you."

"No…it's okay." David mumbled a flush creeping up into his pale cheeks. "Let's just get it over with."

"That's better." Rachel said with a pleased smile. She knew that David's pride and self consciousness would prevent him from allowing a virtual stranger to take over his care even though it embarrassed him to have Rachel do it. Even in the hospital, he had been so uncooperative with the nurses when it came to his personal care that they had finally agreed to let Hutch to give him his baths and shave him.

Rachel helped him sit up on the edge of the bed and then to his feet. She made sure he had his balance before kneeling down to let him step into the legs of the sweat pants. His incisions were still much too tender for him to tolerate the tight jeans he preferred. His mother deftly pulled the loose cotton pants up to his waist and then helped slip the tee shirt over his left arm, then his head and finally his right arm. She smoothed the shirt down and then helped him sit down in the wheelchair.

She wheeled the chair into the living room and parked it in front of the TV. She handed David the remote so he could find something he wanted to watch while she went into the kitchen to make a quick list of groceries that she needed and then called the mom and pop store a few blocks away that still made deliveries. She ordered several items that she normally wouldn't have bought hoping that she could get David to eat more.

Remembering the appointments that Doctor Alexander had arranged before they left Bay City, she retrieved her purse and carefully wrote each appointment on the calendar. Since David was temporarily in a wheelchair until he got stronger, there was a local medical transport that would help get him back and forth to his appointments. Rachel picked up the phone to call them and make the arrangements for transportation since David's first appointment was scheduled for the next afternoon.

By the time she finished her call, the delivery boy arrived with the groceries. She paid for them and included a generous tip, then carried the bags into the kitchen to put them away. By the time she was done, it was time to fix lunch. She fixed some chicken soup and peanut butter sandwiches another one of David's favorite childhood foods. Filling a glass with milk, she carried the tray into the living room and set it up on the tray that fitted over the arms of the wheelchair.

Since his dominant hand was still too weak to use, Rachel helped him eat the soup and then put the sandwich in his right hand. He took a few bites and then looked at her somberly.

"That's good, baby. Why don't you finish your milk and you can have some ice cream later?" Rachel said, pleased that he had eaten most of the soup and half of his sandwich before deciding that he had had enough. Ice cream seemed to be one treat that he was always willing to eat.

As the day wore on, David became more moody and agitated. The trembling in his left hand became more noticeable which only irritated him even more. Rachel refused to resort to giving him the valium that the doctor had prescribed. She was worried because the doctors had him on so much medication and she was positive that it was responsible for some of his current symptoms. She intended to talk to his new doctor about her concerns.

"I know," Rachel said with a sudden inspiration "Why don't you call Ken? I'm sure that he'd love to hear from you."

"No." David said with a stubborn shake of his head. Rachel was startled when his eyes filled with tears. "He doesn't need me anymore. I can't be his partner…I can't be anything like this…"

"David Michael Starsky!" Rachel scolded him firmly. "I don't want to hear you talking like that again! Ken is your best friend. That hasn't changed."

"Then why did he send me away?"

"Oh, baby…is that what you think?" Rachel said sadly. "I'm the one who decided to bring you back to New York. I didn't really give Ken much of a choice." She gently pulled him into her arms, rocking him back and forth just like she had done when he was little. "Don't you realize that he would have given up everything just to take care of you himself? I couldn't let him do that."

"You should have just put me in a nursing home like the doctor said." David muttered moodily. "I'm just a burden to everybody like this."

"No, you aren't." Rachel insisted. "You're my son and I love you. You'll get better…you'll see. It's just going to take some time."

"What about my arm?" David asked in a trembling voice. "I can't even use my left hand."

"Then you'll learn to do things with your right hand." Rachel said firmly. "I'm not going to give up on you and I am not going to let you give up on yourself."

"Okay…" David mumbled as he laid his head against her breast with a heavy sigh. The doctors had warned Starsky that he would experience varying degrees of depression due to the trauma of being almost killed but he was finding it hard to remain optimistic when it felt like he didn't have much left to live for.

By the end of David's first full day at home, Rachel was exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally. She hoped that the new doctor would have some suggestions that would help to improve the situation. Rachel's sister, Ruth and her husband, Jacob, were coming over in the morning to help out. Rachel went to sleep thankful that she had such a large extended family in New York to rely on.