This is just a mini chapter so as to perhaps leave things on a brighter note until the next instalment. Enjoy.
"Christian?"
He winced slightly, his face the picture of disappointment. I studied it tentatively, wondering if it was something I'd said, or...
"Christian... what's wrong?" It's not like I couldn't imagine anything was wrong but I couldn't fathom a reason for this particular reaction. And why it came now.
He swallowed, his eyes dead at he looked right at me. "I'll never have you, will I," he said, not asking me but telling me.
I wanted to tell him he was wrong, that we had a chance to be together – but I would never promise him something I couldn't. I wanted to be with him. God I wanted to be with him, more than anything. But not more than everything – and that is what would be sacrificed here. My family, their happiness, their well-being – my faith, my god who I continually disappoint with my sin. The crazy thing is, I would do it for Christian, I would be with him. I love him more than I ever thought I could and I want him to have what he wants – but in this, I also feed my own desires, I can't deny that - and I can't justify indulging myself when my family have been disgraced through me.
I put my hand on his chest, over his heart. It wasn't meant to be symbolic, it was curiosity, exploration. I could feel it beating strongly like it always did, like the hammer of Thor. He put his hand on my face and I looked up at him. He looked better now but there was terrible melancholy in his eyes.
I began to speak, surprising myself. "I love you..." I stopped myself.
He showed no reaction. It was... sad, disturbing. Like I'd broken him. Like I'd broken my Christian.
"Do you know what I wished for on my birthday? I wished I could remember that moment forever, that moment we'd just spent in the flat... and then I made a new wish. I wished that, however fantastical it may seem, I would get to spend countless moments in your arms over the rest of my lifetime. I felt silly wishing for that but I did so knowing no one could ruin that moment, where I let myself imagine just for a second that I wasn't being silly at all."
He still didn't say anything. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I couldn't move from where we were because I was conscious we were naked, conscious now didn't feel like the right time to see each others bodies. So we remained, brushed up against each other – it didn't feel inappropriate though, just...sad. So close yet so distant at the same time.
His hand was still on my cheek. He brought me up to his face and kissed me so lightly I didn't know whether I'd imagined it. But I responded, needing that verification, needing anything. He parted from me and looked into my eyes searching desperately, for what I didn't know. I didn't know why he'd kissed me either, just that I was grateful. I had to go for it, I kissed him again and this time there was no holding back - my lips moistening his, my tongue playing with his, dancing around his mouth. This was a kiss for its own sake, no obvious meaning, but I didn't want it to end.
As we continued, refusing to draw breath, he brought my body into his and we pressed up against each other not knowing where one began and the other ended. I stood with him, tasting him, drinking him in, there in his arms like I'd wished for on my birthday. I didn't feel silly this time.
