Last update for several days. This is pure, delicious, Chryed dialogue. Have a great week. Enjoy.
I rang his buzzer and, surprisingly, he let me up straight away. He opened his door and didn't move an inch.
"Why... are you here?"
"Look, I'm sorry okay, I..."
"The next time you say that, I'll throw you out myself."
What?
"Do you know how empty that word sounds to me now? It doesn't mean a thing. In fact, it's becoming insulting, like just about everything else you do."
"Let me explain. I went to see dad, and..."
"Don't care, Syed. I don't care. Whether it's God, or mum, or dad, or your fascist community..."
"Fascist community?"
"Yeah, that's right. They want to dictate what you do. They have this authoritarian reign on your life, this unhealthy reign. Why can't you see that whoever you use when you're trying to convince me, to convince yourself, that you shouldn't be with me – your parents, your religion, your community – all they're coming up against is me; one man. And look how you struggle. Does that not tell you something?"
"I never said any of this was easy."
"But don't you see? It's too difficult. If you are as drawn to me as everything else, then maybe this part of you, this part you dismiss as 'just a part', is not just a part at all. It is you. And if you deny your sexuality, you deny life. You choose existence. And you choose it for those who would see you miserable, Syed. Miserable."
"They just want me to respect God."
"And you believe God doesn't respect your heart?"
"Look. It is clear. It is clear in my religion that it is wrong – there are specific passages in the Qu'ran, in the Hadith, that say it is wrong and that it goes against God. If you even started to try and understand things from a religious standpoint, then you'd see why I can't do this."
"Does it say that love is wrong?"
"It says that two men..."
"Does it say that love is wrong? ... And what does your heart say? What does your body say?"
"My heart tells me not to destroy my family even more than I have done already. My body tells me to starve itself of vice so that I may reconnect with my spirituality."
"Your heart says nothing of me?"
"My heart drops when this man who says he loves me doesn't try and understand me."
"I may not always understand what goes on in that head of yours, but I understand your heart. I understand that if I stand up-close to you like this," he said stepping forward, "your heart beats a little faster. I understand that if I touch you, even briefly like this, your body tingles. I understand that if I kiss you, you feel compelled to return it. That if I suck you, you shake. If I fuck you, you scream. And if I make love to you – like you know I have done, time and again – you feel a unity, a connection, a fulfilment that you will otherwise never feel in life. And it feels right. And you know that it does. Not wrong, not sinful, not unnatural – but like the most natural and most wonderful thing on Earth. Now you compare that to how you felt a month ago. Can you go back to that? A lifetime of that? Be honest, Syed. You couldn't last four months. What does that tell you? What does all this tell you?"
I thought for a moment. "That I am weak. It tells me I am weak."
Christian gathered himself. "If strength is misery, desolation, despair, then how on Earth can that be what you strive for? How on Earth can that be what a loving family would want for you? What a gracious God would want for you? If you're asking me to understand that, well, I don't. I can't, because I know, as someone who does love you probably more than you realise, more than I can cope with at times, that I want to see a smile on your face. I want to see you laugh, and express yourself freely, and come out of your shell. I want you to feel unafraid to show the love you have in abundance, and feel secure and confident that you inspire it in others. Because you do, Sy. I love you so much."
I flung my arms around him. He kissed me and held me so tight, I could barely breathe. Except I had so much oxygen suddenly, it was like a new lease of life. Don't let me go, Christian. I mean it, I promise you, this time I mean it.
