A couple of advance warnings: This is about to get quite dark. I've also had to raise the rating. Enjoy.
We were in bed – we'd gone straight there, straight 'to sleep' but I didn't think either of us were. He spooned me, his arm around me, his fingers gripped in between mine, but no way was he sleeping. And neither was I - I was worried. He was saying, doing, the right things but his manner was... shut off. It was like with every look, every smile, he'd tried to fob me off. Like suggesting going straight to bed was his way of evading dealing with things.
I had now done this. In the space of a few seconds, although in reality it was over several months, I had come to terms with the choice I must make; must, not should. I knew that life had given me a chance, a chance to feel every second like it was a second not to be missed. I had tried to fight it, tried to live the life that was expected of me, the life I wish I'd wanted as much as I'd wanted to want it. But Christian was in my head all the time. When I woke up, when I ate, when I went to bed – dare I say it, when it was least appropriate too.
Mum knew I loved him; dad too, I think. And I loved them which is why this was going to be hard – they would see it as a betrayal. But it wasn't that. It wasn't me forgetting what this had done to them and it wasn't me choosing myself over them. It was simply that I'd chosen that path - what they wanted, what they represented - all this time and it hadn't brought anyone any happiness. It hadn't brought joy or love; just resentment and upset.
So now I was doing what I felt inclined to do – I had hoped it would at least see Christian's happiness. But it hadn't for some reason. I thought it had when he'd hugged me as tight as he did but as soon we parted, he looked at me and his face changed. Now his whole manner was different. I felt at a loss.
I turned over to face him.
"Christian?"
"Mm?"
"Are you OK?"
"Yeah."
But I knew these days when something was wrong. And something was.
"Christian, do you like living on your own?"
"Hey?"
"I don't."
"What are you saying?"
"I don't really have the money to pay for next month's rent on my own – whilst I'm not working. I was thinking, you and I could..."
I left the sentence hanging, looking hopeful, but Christian didn't say anything. It was worse than a 'no'.
"It was just a suggestion."
He still said nothing.
"What do you want from me?"
"Sorry?"
"Well, I thought you'd be happy."
"You shouldn't be doing this for me, you should be doing it for you."
"I am. But what, you're not pleased? I thought it would be nice if this was our place. Then I'd never have to leave."
"Let's see what happens, yeah?"
"What do you mean?"
"You might change your mind tomorrow, the next day... Let's just go one step at a time."
"I won't change my mind now."
"Let's see."
"Christian! I won't."
"OK, fine, you won't. Can we sleep now?"
"You don't believe me."
"Well ya wouldn't, would you?"
"Christian, I mean it this time. My parents... I've tried to do the right thing and I got it wrong. So this time..."
"This time, I know better than to get my hopes up."
God, I wanted to strangle him! But no, I kissed him, aggressively. He kissed me back but we parted quickly.
"What's that gonna prove, Sy?"
"What would it take?"
He laughed humourlessly.
"I'm serious. What do I have to do?"
"Maybe when you've held onto this opinion for a month, I'll believe you." His tone was cold, spiteful even.
"What, so it's going to be like this for a whole month?"
"Oh come on, Sy. You won't even last one day!" More of his cynical laughter – it was beginning to annoy me.
"I'll show you then," I said, still trying. "I'll be here tomorrow when you get back from work."
"So?"
"So that'll be a day."
"Oh, Syed! You don't get it!" he exclaimed, startling me. "It's not that. It's you being honest. You telling your parents what you want rather than the other way around. Every time you see them, they browbeat you into doing what they want, or maybe you willingly go along, I don't know. Until you've shown them they're not in charge of you, nothing's changed. Do I think you can't still be swayed over to their way of thinking? Do I think guilt may still take over you? You bet, Sy, and who could blame me?"
"Fine. I'll see them tomorrow, in the day. I'll see them and I'll tell them – we're together. And then I'll be here when you get back."
He'd calmed down but all I could see was worry and doubt in his eyes, as if he could only anticipate disappointment.
"I will, Christian."
He looked... scared. It made me want to cry. But then he curled his fingers behind my ear and kissed me, tentatively, as if trying to suss me out. I responded hungrily but then he pulled away again. He wanted to do this in his own time. He scanned my face, for signs of what I wasn't sure, and began to kiss my neck, collar bone, chest. He was gentle as he sucked my nipples, nibbled on my earlobe, chewed my lip. Not taking his eyes off mine, he began to stroke me – I was hard for him instantly. With some lube he'd grabbed from the side, he carried on, making me feel deliciously aroused whilst still aware he was testing me.
He knelt in between my legs, wedging his thighs under my arse so I was the perfect angle for him. With my calves resting on his shoulders, he delicately massaged in between my cheeks with his lubricated fingers, still not having taken his eyes off of me. He had a deliberate but serious look about him, like he wanted to show me something. Pushing a finger inside me, he started to touch himself with his other hand, lubricated as well. I was beginning to whimper, beginning to need him inside of me, properly.
Adding another finger, he began to slide in and out of me quickly making me ask for him by calling out his name. Rather than go inside me himself, he added a third finger and switched the hand that was touching himself back to me. The double stimulation was becoming too much but I couldn't finish now, I needed him.
"Christian, please!"
Too late. Blood coursed through my veins at a hundred miles per hour, filling every inch of me with pleasure. With my eyes tight shut, colour invaded the black and my mind felt freedom.
My breaths were deep as I slowly recovered from the climax. The blood returned to its natural routine though my legs still tingled. It was good, but it wasn't what I'd wanted.
Then the sting:
"See what it's like, Sy?"
