Story Title: All the Ways to Say I Love You

Disclaimer: Still don't own YYH.

Author's Notes: This is the last chapter for this story. It's a relief to finally get it done. I wish I had completed it during last year's big bang as I had intended, but I see now that I wouldn't have been able to make the deadline anyway with both the size of this fic and with the way I had been feeling at the time. However, I did want to get it done before this year's big bang reveals happened, just to avoid any confusion.

As always, thanks for reading.

-o-

Chapter Eight: On His Terms

-o-

Touya backed away from his father until his heel hit the bottom of the kitchen counter. He knew a day like this would come, when all his progress gained ceased to matter once his father found him again. Over and over, he had played out this exact scenario in his mind trying to unlock the good ending where he overcame a childhood of intimidation and disappointment and confidently asked his father to leave. He never quite reached that conclusion.

He wished that he had taken after his mother's looks, but even his father's genetics were dominant. He had always known how he would turn out if he had listened to his father. A younger version of the man before him in precisely-tailored, expensive business suits, always charcoal gray. His every hair slicked back in straight, visible rows. A sunken and hollow look around the eyes. His mouth permanently drawn into a sharp frown that was only capable of smiling in smug satisfaction when he thought himself proven correct. A man who appeared to have every minute aspect of his life in order but only because there was nothing in his life to fall into disarray.

"How did you get into my apartment?" Touya asked, struggling to not show weakness.

"The residential manager let me in," his father said, his voice measured and cool. "I was worried about the well-being of my son. I had not heard from him in weeks, after all."

So you lied, Touya thought. His jaw tensed. His father was sure to see that. How Jin believed he was hard to read was a mystery to Touya. Under his father's gaze, he was always an open book.

"Partial truth, of course," his father admitted. "I am concerned for your well-being."

Touya held himself with confidence, or at least put on a convincing bravado. "There was no need for you to come out all this way. I am doing fine."

His father simply lifted an eyebrow in disbelief.

The door was only a few steps away. He could leave. He doubted that his father would give chase—he was not the sort of man to overexert himself for anything, or anyone. Touya could escape and seek assistance from Kurama or comfort from Jin. But what would that accomplish? His father would simply wait him out to return home. And back to the same confrontation.

"You dyed your hair again," his father said.

"Just this part..." Touya said, reaching up to touch his aqua green spiked bangs. He realized that his father was very much able to see what part of his hair was dyed and felt stupid for pointing it out. He had sounded so childlike too. As if it made a difference to his father how much of his hair was dyed or not, that he could get away with just a little. A tiny compromise.

His father scanned his apartment slowly. He moved toward the center of his living room space. "I don't see any cohesion in your furniture sets. Seems you take whatever you can get."

His apartment had came furnished this way. While there were some scuffs and gentle wear on the cabinets and tv stand, it felt wasteful to toss functional pieces away. It wasn't as if he entertained much company.

"Everything is clean at least," he continued. "I suppose you have to fill your private hours with something. You're certainly not occupying your mind with important matters."

It wasn't a compliment in the slightest, but it was closest he had ever gotten to praise from his father. He always did insist on keeping an immaculate home.

"There are people that perform menial labor and daily errands for you, don't you remember? You could afford someone if you had listened to me and not ran off to peddle books."

Touya was positive his father included his mother under the same label as the live-in assistant that had replaced her and performed all the household duties and errands after she had left. When he was younger, Touya had hoped his parents had a love story to tell. He had longed to hear the tale of his father's awkward but well-meaning attempts at romance that eventually won over his mother. But no, their marriage had been a business contract organized by a third-party matchmaker. His mother had simply been the next necessary step to bolster his career and image. The only relationship his parents had shared was that of employer and employee.

"I know it's late, but would you like something to eat? Have you eaten? I can make something if you're hungry."

His father did not respond positively or negatively to Touya's offer. Nonetheless, he went to his kitchen, put on a pot of water to boil, and started peeling and quartering potatoes. As the potatoes parboiled, he cut half an onion into wide strips. This was going to be tomorrow's dinner, but it was the quickest and most filling meal he had on hand.

He opened up the fridge and pulled out the store packet of beef. His father had joined him in the kitchen.

"You have beer?" his father said, with pointed disapproval. It was two cans, the last of a six-pack he had bought four months ago.

"I'm of age," Touya replied. He hesitated but decided to say more, since his claim was not untrue. "You drink more than I do and far more regularly."

He watched his father's face harden. "Company drinking parties are a necessary matter of business," he asserted. "Drinking alone at home is sad and pathetic, an act of a lazy man."

Touya felt like he could use a beer right about now but grabbed a water instead.

He stir-fried the beef and added the drained potatoes once the meat no longer looked raw. He added the additional ingredients, brought it to boil, and then lowered the heat to a simmer, covered. Now, it was a matter of waiting. He had done everything else in preparation. He wished there was more to do. Maybe he should have put on some rice to go with their simmered meat and potatoes… But the dish was filling in of itself, and his father hated waste.

His father sat at his tiny and rarely-used kitchen table. Touya reluctantly joined him. He was not used to seeing anyone sitting across from him. Touya angled himself off to the side.

"Phone," his father said with his hand outstretched. Touya unlocked his phone and gave it to him. He tried to hold his churning stomach still and looked away while his father scrolled through his apps and folders.

"Who is this?" his father asked.

Even before his father turned his phone around, Touya knew exactly what he was about to show him. It was inevitable that his father would search his photo album, but he had dreaded it nonetheless. He stared at the photo of him and Jin having ramen at Yukimura Diner.

"Jin," Touya replied. "He's my friend."

"Where did you meet him?"

"At work."

"How long ago?"

"A few months ago." His father narrowed his eyes. "Eight months ago," he clarified.

"What sort of occupation does he have? What sort of establishment would have him as an employee? Surely he does not work at the bookstore."

"He works at the cafe next door. He's a barista and a server."

"I surmised as much," his father said and looked at the photo once more. "An idiot. Freewheeling. Flighty."

Finally, their food was done. Touya dished out two equal portions on two plates and served his father first. His father wasn't interested in his food.

"Are you dating him?"

Touya looked up and dropped his potato in surprise. "No...we're just friends."

"You have a dating app on your phone. Did you meet him from that app?"

Touya looked away to the side. "I was just thinking what it might be like...to start dating. I downloaded the app but I never used it." Which was the truth. He never overcame his social qualms to open the app and create a profile.

"Because you started dating him."

"We're friends," he insisted.

"Are you attracted to him?"

Canting his gaze downward, Touya couldn't bring himself to look at his father. He hunkered down in his chair, trying to make himself as small as possible. The small bit of onion in his mouth tasted bitter. His hands were trembling. His whole body was trembling. He clasped his hands to try to hold them still.

He wanted to tell his father the truth. Not just because his father demanded the truth, but because he was attracted to Jin, and just today he had asked him to go out with him, and he wanted to tell his father the wonderful news. He wanted to tell him so much about Jin, wanted to plead with him to understand, but he and his father just didn't have that kind of relationship. His father was already ashamed of his rebellious, unsuccessful son. He didn't want to see the level of disgust his father ascended to upon learning he had a gay son. He would no doubt see it as a personal attack to ruin his image and career.

"Look me in the eye," his father ordered. He smacked his hand against the table, making a loud noise, startling Touya. "Look at me."

His father was not a man of physical violence, not when intimidation and tranquil fury worked equally effectively. Touya obeyed, looking into the winter storm of his father's icy blue eyes. What he was searching for, Touya did not know, but he was certain he would find it. And he would not be pleased to see it.

Pushing his chair away from the table, his father stood up. "I've allowed you this measure of independence in the hopes that the harsh realities of living on your own would force you to finally grow up and come to your senses. However, I see that you've learned nothing. It's time that you stop playing out this fantasy of what you think adulthood is."

"I'm not playing—" His father's glare cut him off.

"Get your necessary affairs in order. You're coming home. Perhaps I can pull some strings and get you quickly enrolled in the fall semester. If not, you'll be an intern with me until the spring. I will find some use for you."

Touya couldn't let this happen. Not without saying something. "I don't—"

"You don't what?" his father snapped back.

Touya closed his mouth. With his head held down, he sat quietly in his chair, hoping to wait out the rest of the storm. It was all he knew to do.

His father curtly offered his phone back to him. "Inform the layabout that you will not be seeing each other anymore."

Touya wanted to believe that he had heard him wrong. He wanted to believe that his father had not ordered him to end his relationship with Jin. He felt himself at the bottom of a deep, deep well looking up hoping to see the sunlight and only seeing the darkest night. His father shoved his phone into his clumsy hands.

He stared down at his phone, feeling like an active hornet's nest in the cradle of his palms. His throat felt so tight he swore his vocal cords were on the verge of ripping. He didn't want to do this. But if he didn't obey, his father would destroy his phone, and he would lose everything—Kurama's number, the ability to call for help, his photo album…

Touya felt a stab run through his chest. How long would his father allow him to keep his photos of Jin before he ordered him to delete them all? He needed to create some sort of backup quickly, send them all to himself in an email, something, anything. As soon as he could.

His father stood behind him and watched what he was texting. Several times Touya had to backspace to correct a misspelling or delete a wrong letter caused by his trembling fingers. He prayed for a glitch in his battery to cause his phone to suddenly lose power. It was possible. His phone was a couple generations behind—practically obsolete in the manufacturer's eyes. His ten-second text took an excruciating long time to compose, and now he hovered over send.

Don't make me do this, his words remained to himself. No one else but him would hear him anyway.

His father uttered a low rumble in his throat. A displeased "get on with it".

Touya hit send.

"Remove his number from your contacts," his father ordered next.

"Please, Father!" If there was one time his father just listened to him, now was it. Touya was asking for the impossible.

"Remove. The. Number."

Touya stared at his messages, his notifications chime ringing incessantly, as a confused Jin spammed frantic, concerned replies his phone barely kept up with.

"Block him."

Touya looked back, his protests on the tip of his tongue. His father's glare silenced him. He obeyed.

Tears rushed to his eyes. Touya tried to freeze his emotions, tried to swallow the heartache, but the pain was too much. For the first time, he was unable to hold himself back, unable to keep himself together. Heat rose to his face. His anger rattled his bones. His phone slipped out of his numb fingers. He was not used to this much feeling. It was embarrassing. He knew what his father thought of him right now. Weak. Childish.

Touya couldn't bear to be in front of his father. He didn't want to look at him. He hurried off to his room. He had no actual privacy there, but perhaps his father would permit him the time to piece himself back together.

On his way out, Touya heard his father groan out, "Children..."

-o-

Jin stumbled out from his room fighting with a sweatshirt that refused to just slip on. He bounced off the hallway wall and nearly careened into the other side before he finally stopped. He didn't have time for this. Touya needed him right now, and he was tangled up just trying to get dressed. He had no time for anyone's words either. No used talking sense into him when he knew what the right sense was in the first place.

"I'm going, I said, and that is that!" Jin said, head finally popping out from under his sweatshirt.

As usual, Suzuki was trying to be the one scrap of reason in the bunch. Which wasn't much to begin with. "And do what? Cause a scene late at night? That's sure to get you arrested."

"He's gotta point, mate," Chuu said. "You come in, pounding on his door, ranting and raving, you're sure to get the police called on ya." Jin didn't expect Chuu to try to talk him out of going. Chuu usually was right there beside him when he was raring to go somewhere. 'Course he wasn't "Let's go flip a car!" drunk yet either.

"Something's wrong, I know it," Jin said. Sure as he knew the tip of his nose, Touya was in trouble.

"Maybe he changed his mind," Shishiwakamaru said from the living room couch, earning everyone's attention. "Maybe he got home and realized he wasn't ready or not that into you."

Shishi said a lot of snotty malarkey, most of which went through one ear and out the other with Jin, but there were certain times and certain things Jin didn't want to hear it from him. Jin balled his hands into fists at his sides, his knuckles cracking from the tightness. "You don't know, Toy. Kindly shut your gob and keep your shit to yourself."

Shishi appeared unbothered. "I'm just saying. It happens. He got swept up in the moment, and now he's got second thoughts."

Suzuki quickly grabbed Jin as he launched forward, ready to throw hands, and Chuu moved into position to grab him, should he break free. "Enough," he said, pointedly at Shishiwakamaru.

Jin spat curses and wrestled to get free and at the lazy bastard. Not even he knew what he was saying. Some of it might have been unwarranted, and he might regret and apologize for it later, if he remembered. But some of it was warranted. And he hoped some of that got through to his overly-opinionated head.

But whether that was true remained to be seen. Shishi went back to tv watching and didn't say a word.

"This is probably just a misunderstanding," Suzuki tried to reassure Jin.

"He don't want to see me no more and blocked me, what's to misunderstand?" Jin didn't get all the facts right sometime and mixed things up when he forgot the details, but he was positive he was reading Touya's text loud and clear. No other way to interpret it than a fuck off. And that didn't sound like his Toy.

"I'll go with you, mate," Chuu offered, giving Jin's shoulder a hearty pat. He turned toward the door to pull his rocker boots on. "I gotta walk off this bloody mango-pineapple vodka Suzuki left."

Suzuki huffed. "You don't drink it straight. It's...passable in a cocktail."

"See? Even you think it's garbage," Chuu said.

Suzuki didn't disagree. "The bottle looked nice."

The cabbie meant well. He was just trying to lighten the mood, especially when he realized he was stuck with a huge thug that reeked of all the alcohol and the storm of nervous energy that was Jin. But Jin was having none of it, and normally Jin loved having a chat with anybody. Jin just wanted to get to Touya's apartment already, speeding laws be damned. He tapped his foot incessantly on the backseat floor and drummed his fingers on his knees.

"Could've not been him that sent the text," Chuu said. "Maybe it's all a bad prank on the two of ya."

"It's him. He's the only one there. No one's dropping by for a midnight visit." He was pretty sure only he and Kurama knew where he lived anyway. Touya had no family to speak of. No siblings or cousins. His mum had decided to start her life anew, no strings attached—the strings being Touya. That only left his father, but they weren't on speaking or seeing terms.

They were close, but not there yet. Jin couldn't stand it any longer. He told the cabbie to stop and bolted out the back passenger door. He heard Chuu shout, but his mind was single-focused on getting to Touya. He knew the way. Well, he mostly knew the way. And it had never been this late at night going to Touya's, but he knew where he was going. Sorta. Okay, so he had to backtrack a little. Which turned out to be a good thing because he ran into Chuu.

"You owe me for the taxi," Chuu said, out of breath. He was bent over and held his knees as he caught his breath. "Good news, my head's all clear now, and I could use a drink."

But that would have to wait. If this all turned out to be nothing, Jin would gladly buy Chuu a round for the headache, but this wasn't gonna be nothing. They headed down the two blocks to the apartments. It would be pitch black if not for the nearby street lights. Only a couple apartments had their lights on. One of them was Touya's. Jin headed up the stairs two by two. He pounded on his door and yelled for Touya. The door opened.

Glad to see he was okay, he stepped forward to hug him, only to quickly pause and step back upon realizing that it wasn't Touya at the door. It could've been, sure fooled him for a second. It was like looking into a mirror from a bad future—a tired, miserable Touya that felt no joy out of life, that couldn't feel the warmth of the morning sun no more or knew the gentle touch of a summer breeze. It was Touya's father, all right, and if Jin didn't already know what an overbearing bastard he was, he might have felt pity for him.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" he said in a dry, dull voice.

Jin didn't care what time it was. He came here with a purpose. "I want to see Touya." He stepped into his apartment.

Touya's father threw out his arm and blocked him. Which only worked because Jin stopped. Touya's father was about five, six inches taller than Touya, but Jin was still a head taller than either of them. And he had Chuu waiting in the wings. Between the two of them, they could carry his father out of here like a rolled-up carpet no problem. His father wouldn't like it and cause a fuss that would wake the dead and the neighbors. It would be a wee embarrassing for Touya, but he wasn't taking the idea off the table.

"Get out of my way," Jin snarled.

"Are you threatening me?" Touya's father said, glaring back at Jin. His gaze moved briefly over Jin's shoulder at Chuu, casually leaning against the balcony. He looked back at Touya, nearby but out of Jin's view. "Is this the company you keep?"

He didn't wait for Touya to answer.

"If you do not leave this instant, we will call the police and have you both removed."

Yeah, yeah, Jin had heard all that nonsense before. Wasn't the first time he had been forcibly removed from a place. He wasn't afraid of any police officers.

Besides, Touya was walking toward the front door. Visually, he looked the same as when Jin had last said bye. No red marks or bruises, so his father wasn't physically abusive. Couldn't really call that a feather in his cap, given how under his thumb he wanted Touya to be. Eyes looked mighty red, like he had been crying and clearing away his tears. He'd be more shocked if he didn't look upset after tonight's going-ons.

Jin drained every bit of anger he had out to show Touya only the love he deserved. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Go home," Touya said, his soft tone and sorrowful expression adding an unspoken "please"to that request.

Jin didn't want to go home. Not without Touya. "You don't have to stay here tonight."

"It wouldn't change anything," Touya said.

Maybe so, but… Jin wanted to argue that he would be safe tonight, and they'd both know it. And tomorrow, he would support Touya in doing whatever needed to be done, whether that meant telling his father to fuck off, or finding him a new apartment. Everything, anything, Jin was here for him. Touya didn't have to be alone in this.

"There's no truth in you never wanting to see me again, innit?" Jin's smile was more pleading than cheery.

Touya's expression turned hard and heartless. His face, a picture of his father's. "This is a family matter. Go home."

Jin didn't want to go home. But he would. Because Touya had told him to.

"I'm coming back tomorrow, I am," Jin said to Touya's father, as he turned to go, "and nothing better have happened to Touya in the meantime."

It was the longest walk from Touya's door to the street below. Jin looked back up at Touya's apartment. He wondered if he was getting an earful from his father. The air was still.

"How you feeling?" Chuu asked.

"I feel like shit," Jin said. "I'm going be up all night thinking, worrying if he's okay."

"We could have ourselves a little bar crawl..." Chuu suggested. "Won't be thinking about much come dawn."

Jin flashed a tiny smile. "It's a grand plan, it really is," he said, as Chuu smashed his fist into his palm, raring to go. "But I can't be of full mind hungover, so I say no."

Chuu didn't look as disappointed as he had expected. Didn't try to convince him otherwise either. "All right, I get'cha. You head on home, get yourself ready."

It was not lost on Jin that he had only told him to go on home. "And you're going to get yourself in trouble."

"Somebody has to. For the two of us," Chuu said, matching Jin's grin.

Jin shook hands with Chuu, pulling him in close until the two of them touched elbows. Chuu gave Jin an extra smack on the back and wished him well for tomorrow. "Get your man," he had not exactly whispered into his ear.

Jin hoped so. He didn't know what he was going to do tomorrow, or even what would happen, but he wasn't going to lose Touya. He was not a fella that stood around and did nothing when people needed him.

-o-

It was a few minutes after nine in the morning, and Touya walked behind his father toward the bookstore. To say that last night had been a long night was an understatement. He had only been asleep for a couple hours when his father shook him awake and told him to make himself presentable to the public. Touya threw on a dark gray hoodie and some faded black jeans. His father hated his outfit. He wasn't wearing any of his earrings. His father definitely hated those.

Touya covered his mouth as he yawned. He hadn't had his morning coffee. He peered into the coffee shop. Jin was working this morning, since the sunrise shift. Even if Jin wasn't working, his father wouldn't let him step inside the coffee shop. His father didn't drink coffee. He found it too stimulating.

The bookshop bell chimed. Keiko said hello to him, but Touya didn't respond. He kept his head angled downward and followed his father to Kurama's office.

Kurama expressed a rare show of surprise at the sight of Touya's father entering his office. Neither of them had expected to have to deal with him and hadn't for five, nearly six years. Turning in his chair to face them, Kurama quickly put on a composed mask. He had sized up his father briskly as they approached his desk, during the rest of their walk his eyes were on Touya. Reading his body language, analyzing his state of mind, no doubt.

His father pulled out a folded white letter out of his blazer pocket, set it on Kurama's desk, and pushed it toward him. "His resignation, effective immediately."

"I will not accept his resignation," Kurama replied, pushing the letter of resignation away from him. "There's nothing that demands that I must."

"You can't help but meddle in my private affairs." His father's expression gave off the air that he wanted to spit on Kurama if the act itself was not so uncouth.

"I have no interest in your private life whatsoever," Kurama said calmly, his interlaced hands resting on top of his desk.

"My son's life is my business," his father asserted.

"Your son's life is his own," Kurama said. "And I have no doubt that this resignation was signed under coercion."

"You have brainwashed him into believing that this is the most he can achieve."

Kurama laughed briefly and humorlessly. "Touya is capable of anything he sets his mind toward, and I will support him in any endeavor he wishes. He is not confined to my shop."

His father shook his head over and over in disapproval. "He will never leave your shop. He is lazy—"

"He is loyal," Kurama said, raising his voice and rising out of his chair.

"He should want more than this."

"Have you ever asked him what he wants? Have you ever listened to him?"

His father said nothing, but his jaw remained tense. Touya hardly believed his father was reflecting on his previous actions and instead was simply frustrated and disgusted that Kurama continued to defy him and cause problems.

Kurama looked toward him. His gaze was firm but sympathetic. He wanted him to speak and to speak freely of his wants and plans for his life. Now was an opportunity to stand up to his father in a safe area with support. All Touya had to do was speak for himself.

His father cut him down with a glare. Touya tilted his head back down. His father turned around sharply and headed for the door, the unspoken order being for him to follow. And Touya obeyed.

-o-

Touya didn't want to do this. He hated this. He had set up three boxes and labeled each of them as either keep, donate, and garbage. So far, most of his things were in the latter two categories. He saw things he had placed in the keep box put into the other boxes by his father. He knew better than to move anything back. This was just the start. They had plenty of boxes to build once these were full.

At the moment, his father was going door to door, asking his neighbors for their landlord's phone number. His father wanted to negotiate releasing Touya out of his lease. To his own surprise, Touya didn't have his landlord's number on his phone. He had never had any issue that wasn't resolved by the residential manager. Of course, he had his number, written down somewhere on some very important papers, but he was not going to take the time to find it now when he had so much else he didn't want to do first.

After sorting through and packing up everything from his room and bathroom, Touya went through his cabinet of books by his chair in the living room. Anything his father had instructed him to read was to be kept, and the escapist, genre fiction was to be taken away. His father was more than likely going to donate these books to a different new-and-used bookshop, just for spite. Unless he thought it would bring Kurama heartache to sell Touya's books.

The books in the keep box were so few. There weren't many books his father had instructed him to read that he had genuinely enjoyed. By no means was it the authors' fault—under different circumstances Touya would have liked more of what he had read as a child. There were memories attached to much of what he had read that made it difficult, if not impossible to reread for enjoyment.

And there was so much he didn't want to get rid of. He was being ripped apart from the stories that had brought him healing, happiness, self-understanding, and so much comfort throughout his loneliest days. So what if he knew their plots chapter by chapter or could quote entire favorite passages? These books had greater value to him than their suggested retail price.

His father came back in a foul mood. He couldn't get his landlord's number, and everyone he asked kept pointing at a stray cat. He paced across the living room area and complained about Touya's neighbors. The wrinkles across his brow and his frown lines were deeply furrowed. It had been quite some time since Touya had seen his father this perturbed. He never did like any obstruction to his plans. Having observed his son go through each book individually, his father stormed over to where Touya was sorting, picked up the stack he was working on, and dropped it all into the donate box. He told him that he was working too slowly and to hurry up.

Touya supposed he wasn't working as quickly and efficiently as he could be. Having been lost in his own thoughts for most of the day, he hadn't noticed until now, but his apartment was unusually quiet. It used to be like this until he had set up his fish tank. The water pump and filter produced a soft bubbling hum. Except it wasn't. His tank and his fish were gone.

"Father, where are my fish? Where is...everything?" It wasn't much, but all of his fish supplies were nowhere to be found.

His father was clearing out his cabinets and packing it all up for a donation box to the food pantry. His glasses, plates, cooking utensils, and equipment were going to a secondhand store. "Fish are not practical pets," he replied. "Their tanks are a flooding hazard, and they require too much care and space."

His two little goldfish hardly took up any room. "They were a gift."

"Yes, I surmised that they were," his father said matter-of-factly. As if it didn't matter what they had been.

Touya knew he shouldn't be shocked, and yet the loss hurt. His fish hadn't merely been a hobby or pets. They were sentimental treasures of his first summer festival with Jin. They were living memories he had nurtured and loved, and now they were gone.

"Why do you toss away everything that gives me even a remote amount of happiness?" Touya asked, a sharp edge lining his voice, to his own surprise.

His tone had been strong enough for his father to take pause and question what he had heard. "There's no need to throw such a tantrum. I assure you that your fish have already forgotten that you were their owner."

His father thought this was a tantrum. His father had never seen him upset before. He had always held back, swallowed his negative emotions, and held them at bay with a mask of ice. Touya was tired, and the ice was cracking.

"It's not just my fish. It's my friends, the books I read, what I wear, where I live, the place I work. Everything. Nothing is to your standards, and you always force me to toss aside everything that doesn't fit in your plan for my life."

His father raised his head haughtily. "Yes, and if you had listened to me and followed my plan to the letter, you would be somebody already."

Touya stood up. "You act as if I live in squalor amid garbage. This is not rundown. These apartments are actually more spacious than most."

"Control yourself," his father ordered.

No, Touya was not going to control himself. He was not going to quit arguing simply because his father had commanded him to do so. He had twenty-something years of controlling himself, of obeying with little to no questioning, of listening to his father for every second of his life. Now, his father was going to listen to him.

"I'm not living in luxury, but I've never wanted that," Touya said. "I want freedom. Freedom to live and decide for myself. You've always squashed that."

His father rolled his eyes and made a derisive snort. "Children make poor decisions. That's why it's up to the parents to make all their decisions for them.

"To an extent," Touya said. "However, eventually, you have to allow them to make their own choices."

"You're ungrateful," his father said bitterly, as he left the kitchen and joined Touya in the living room area. "I taught you order and discipline. I civilized you and prepared you for the future. I gave you the finest education and pushed you toward success, and you wasted every cent and second I put into you."

"You wanted the impossible. You wanted a pre-teen prodigy, not a son. You wanted acclaim and congratulations. You wanted more proof of your personal success and superiority over anyone else."

"Don't condescend to me about the hard work I put into getting where I am when you never pushed yourself to achieve anything."

Never pushed himself? His childhood was pushing himself to complete a Sisyphean task. "I tried to be what you planned for me. I wanted to be the good son. I read everything you gave me, completed all the assignments, aced all the practice tests. But the endless studying, the pressure to meet your expectations, it broke me. There were nights I struggled to pull myself back from having a panic attack thinking about what if I didn't retain that day's lessons, or missed a single question, or how much I was going to have to memorize tomorrow."

"And to what end?" Touya continued. "No matter how hard I tried, I always fell short of the goal. You expected me to be exceptional. But I'm not. I can spew out all sorts of facts, theories, and logic, but I didn't know how to talk with people. When you gave up on me, I had to fill in those gaps. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to learn how to socialize with kids your own age for the first time in high school?"

"You would not have gone to a public school if you had not plateaued in your studies," his father said.

"Mother would not have left if you had put any care into your marriage," Touya replied, with equal spite.

For the first time, his father looked like he wanted to hit him. He wouldn't, but the thought was there. He watched his father struggle to tamper down the rising cold rage rushing through his veins. His father was wounded with a precise, deep blow. By a reminder of his greatest failure, of the woman who successfully defied him and put him through a disgraceful divorce. It was the only subject that still drew raw human emotion out of him. Touya almost wanted to apologize but decided that he had done enough apologizing to his father.

"I don't mind being mediocre," Touya said, with pride in his voice. He couldn't believe that he was smiling. "I like my mediocre life. I currently have no desire to do anything else. That kills you, doesn't it? If there wasn't anything better, no other man to crush on your way to bigger and better things, you would have nothing to strive for."

"Have you tired yourself out yet?" his father dully asked.

Touya stared at his father in utter disbelief. His father behaved as if Touya's problems never mattered. That everything he had confessed to him was just the whining of a petulant child. After everything he had heard, his father didn't care. He wondered if there had ever been a time when he did.

"You have no remorse for the damage you've done to me," Touya said, shaken.

"The damage..." his father scoffed. "You act as if I abused you for the entirety of your childhood."

"I was miserable—"

"Happiness doesn't earn you respect and influence. Happiness doesn't earn you the title of company president. Happiness doesn't get you anywhere in life," his father shouted.

Touya was determined to not raise his voice. "Choosing happiness brought me Jin."

His father was hardly impressed by that. "And where will he lead you? To disillusionment. Misery. Debt. Enjoy choosing between rent or food while your slacker boyfriend claims he's looking for work while pissing away your money. Correction: your nosy boss's money."

Touya felt a flash of anger at his father's back-to-back insults to his loved ones, but he let the feeling pass. Anger was what his father wanted. He wanted him to lose control, to show weakness, to act like he was nothing more than a disobedient child stubbornly quarreling with his father. However, Touya refused to give him what he wanted. He had given in enough to his selfish father.

"I won't ever own a penthouse filled with expensive things or hold the sway you have," Touya said, his tone cool and measured. "But I have friends and someone who loves me with a completeness I can only strive to match. The world is so much wider and brighter than I've ever known, and only now am I learning to live."

In the moment, Touya realized that this was how the scenario had to play out to victory. The only way he felt like he was truly standing on his own two feet was by himself on his terms. And he was not alone this time, and never would be again.

"Go home, Father. Skim through your phone contacts filled with people chomping at the bit to take your place. Reflect on why Mother and I both left you and ask yourself if this is everything you've wanted out of life."

"You could be making your way up in the world," his father grumbled.

"I'm right where I belong," Touya said.

His father circled around swiftly and headed for the door. Touya nearly disbelieved what he was seeing. His father had always been so unrelenting. He had never backed down from any of their arguments before, chastising Touya into behaving appropriately as he saw fit. But for once, his father did not loom over him, and Touya had stood as his equal. And his father could not handle that. As always with anyone he was unable to control, his father chose to run, while believing himself to still be the victor.

"Father," Touya said, as his father grabbed hold of the doorknob. "I don't want you to be alone, but things have to change."

His father stood in silence at the door, his back facing Touya. He hoped he was taking his words to whatever little heart he had. Despite everything he had said, he wanted his father in his life. They just couldn't have the same relationship they've always had.

His father did not turn around. He opened the door. "I have no son," he said and left, leaving the door open.

He shouldn't be surprised. His words shouldn't hurt. But they did. Touya had been holding out hope that family also meant something to his father, but pride and status were the only things that mattered to him.

The rush of courage that had powered him through their confrontation now but a trickle, Touya stumbled over to his chair and collapsed into it. He folded himself in half and covered his head with his hands. He was awash with mixed emotions, some he felt he shouldn't be feeling. What kind of son felt relief, even happiness at his father leaving?

There was a commotion of running and loud breathing going on outside. His apartment complex was usually quiet, recent events notwithstanding. It was Jin—Touya had thought the noise sounded familiar. He was in such a hurry that he had forgotten to slow down and skidded to a stop in front of his door.

"Touya, your father..." Jin said, concerned and out of breath. He was a mess of keyed-up energy. He looked confused at what was happening but was ready to help at the word. He must have crossed paths with his father in his race over here. Touya was surprised there hadn't been more of a fuss kicked up.

"I told my father how I felt, and he left."

Jin's face lit up. He sent his arms flying over his head. "That's great!"

"It doesn't feel like it," Touya said somberly. He should be celebrating like Jin was, and yet freedom felt so hollow.

"Oh, Toy..." Jin said, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and pulling him closer. He planted a light kiss on the side of Touya's head. "I'm sorry."

"I think he disowned me."

Jin didn't say anything—he simply put his other arm around him and held Touya. Briefly, they paused to adjust to more comfortable positions. Touya scooted over to give Jin room to sit down in the chair and then moved back, sitting mostly on Jin's lap and his arms around his chest. Touya rested his head on Jin's shoulder and closed his eyes. All the running he had done to get here quickly left Jin's body extra warm and his skin flushed. He felt his quickened heartbeat through his chest. He picked up on the soft scent of a clean-scented soap. It was nice. It was nice to have Jin here.

Touya was glad Jin was here. He had no doubt rushed home after work to change and had hurried even faster to get to Touya's apartment. After all, he had been so worried about him that he had stopped by last night as well. He was still new to all this dating stuff, but it was nice to matter so much to somebody else.

A swish of motion caught Touya's eye. He peered up to see Our Landlord gingerly walking into his apartment. He was looking and sniffing curiously. His tail was held high in a friendly manner.

"Our Landlord came in," Touya said softly. As comfortable as he was, Touya pulled away from Jin.

"Oh shit, is it inspection time?" Jin said and then specifically to the cat said, "Toy's place doesn't usually look like this. His dad came by and mucked everything up."

"Hush," he told Jin and then to cat asked, "Have you decided to make my place one of your hang-out spots?" The cat stared up at him as he moved slowly toward him, stopping midway. Touya couched down and held out his hand, and the cat walked over and cordially headbutted it. Touya smiled. Our Landlord had finally accepted him as one of his people.

Perhaps he had been wishing for too much, but he had wanted things to go differently, better, with his father. But that was his father's decision. Touya was not going to prostrate himself at his feet for his father's love. If he wanted his son in his life, he knew where to find him. There was good, and love, and friendship in Touya's life. He wasn't missing out on anything he couldn't get elsewhere.

"Need any help putting your stuff back?" Jin asked.

"Yes, if it's no trouble," Touya said, as Our Landlord weaved around his legs and rubbed up against him.

Jin shook his head that it wasn't.

Touya got to work putting back the books in the living room cabinet. He found himself working much quicker when he didn't have to mourn the loss of a cherished story and just had to place the book in its spot on the shelf. Jin was trying to get started, but so far he was opening up more boxes of books, and he figured Touya had a system of organizing them that he didn't want to mess up. He did, but it was just a sensible alphabetically by author, then alphabetically by title, with a series going in numerical order. He wasn't a madman who organized books by color. Even so, Jin looked confused by his explanation, so he kept opening boxes for something other than books.

Jin jumped at the thump behind him. Our Landlord had jumped into a nearby upright box, making it fall flat. "Fecking hell, thought we were having an earthquake."

As the saying went, the cat did indeed fit so he was sitting in the box. There was nothing in it—it was an extra one Touya had built and tossed aside. Touya had to wonder if seeing these cardboard boxes laid out (just for him) had been the deciding factor to Our Landlord that Touya was a good human to befriend after all. Really, he'd never know. The cat certainly wasn't going to tell him. He was busy rubbing his face against the corner of the box and chewing up the cardboard. He spat out little bits on the floor for the guys to clean up later.

"We have a Supervisor now," Touya said.

"Cat's gonna have more job titles than the two of us," Jin kidded, turning at the waist to pet Our Landlord as he happily clawed at the cardboard to further its destruction. "What's next? EMT? Nah, go full on doctor."

The two of them worked steadily to put Touya's apartment back together, but neither of them were in a hurry to get everything done. They had the whole rest of the day to finish it anyway, and it was nice just to be together and make each other laugh after thinking things might be over between them. Our Landlord was hard at work too, figuring out all the best napping spots in Touya's place and making sure they took plenty of breaks to pay attention to him.

Jin ran down to the corner convenience store and brought back a bunch of different snacks and a few drinks for their lunch break. Touya quickly chug down two canned coffees he had asked for back-to-back. He hadn't had any coffee all morning, and he seriously needed it.

The bathroom was done, and the kitchen was almost put back together. Thank heavens his father hadn't cleared out his refrigerator first. There wasn't a whole lot in there, but Touya didn't want to deal with the hassle of replacing a couple days' worth of perfectly good food because his father was a jerk, politely speaking.

A thought had came to Jin. Touya noticed him looking around, looking for something. He had a puzzled look on his face like something was not adding up right. Touya had a suspicion he knew what was missing.

Finally, the realization dawned on him. "Your fish are gone. Did they not make it after all?" Jin asked.

"They were doing great," Touya said. "My father gave them away. He considers pets an unnecessary distraction."

"Fuck wilya," Jin cursed not quite under his breath, "do you wanna go around and see if we can get them back?"

"No, I'm sure he gave them to a child, and I wouldn't want to take someone's pet from them." He pulled up a video of his fish on his phone and walked over to show Jin. He had taken it a couple days ago, intending on showing him the next time they saw each other.

"Those were the fish you won?" Jin asked, impressed. Touya nodded. "Most of the time those little wigglers don't last the night, but you really showed them some love."

"Perhaps next year we can win more," Touya said. Indulging in more savory snacks and sweet treats, taiyaki, and actually holding hands as they watched the fireworks, there were still plenty of things Touya wanted to try at next year's summer festival.

"If that's how you feel, of course," Jin said. "Doubt I'll get any, but I know you will." He grinned.

-o-

Jin was surprised when Touya asked him to stay the night. True that it was evening time by the time they had fixed Touya's apartment back to what it used to be and came back from having dinner, but it wasn't that late. He didn't think Touya was meaning what it usually meant when his dates asked Jin to stay over. He couldn't see him being ready to have sex, and Jin wasn't going to encourage him to push himself beyond his boundaries.

The past day and half had been such an emotional whirlwind for the both of them. Jin went from thinking he had lost him to watching a movie together, sitting beside him. Well, almost. They had a large cat loafing in between them.

It was getting late, and working the sunrise shift was getting to Jin. He looked over to see if Touya had drifted off, but he was leaning forward. He had such a pensive look on his face. Jin asked him what he was thinking so seriously about.

"You're going to think I'm silly," Touya said.

"I'm the last person to call anyone else silly."

"It's embarrassing," he said, turning his head away. "I just..."

Jin scooted over and rubbed Touya's back.

"Last night, all I wanted to think about was you laying beside me, holding me. I wanted to forget everything and just focus on you, us."

"If cuddling is what you wanted, you don't have to ask," Jin said. "I love cuddling, I do. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Just come on over."

Touya got up and let Our Landlord out to head to whichever tenant he was spending the night with. "Can we cuddle in bed?" he asked.

Jin resisted the urge to joke with Touya and tell him no, that the bed was completely out of the question, but he didn't want him to accidentally take him seriously. Honestly, Jin had been dying for some cuddle time with Touya, but hadn't been sure if he would be comfortable with it, so he hadn't brought it up. But a bonny wind, it made him mighty happy to hear that after all his nights wanting to snuggle with Touya that he was thinking and wanting the same.

Touya's bed was already made from earlier—Jin couldn't recall the last time his bed was made, and he certainly hadn't been the one to fix it. Jin stripped down to his boxers while Touya wore a sleeveless undershirt and boxers. Jin turned down the covers and went ahead and slid on in. It was a full-sized bed, but even so, space might be a challenge. As long as Jin remained on his side, there was room. They wanted to be close, and they were going to be.

Touya joined him. He laid down on his side, his back facing Jin. He pushed himself closer to Jin, as Jin folded his arm over him. They each took a deep breath and settled into comfort and peace. The room was quiet. A ray of moonlight lit up the end of the bed and carved out the shape of their bodies under the covers. He felt his heart beating, calm and measured, against his. The outside world was a million miles away, thousands of feet below, and they were riding on a warm, summer evening breeze.

He had found something real with Touya. Jin was not just a plaything until things got more serious. He had someone to have fun with, someone to talk to, someone to romance, someone to be there at the end of the day and the morning after. Jin had floated through life, not really having a plan or goals, just a desire to have fun and make it to the next day. But Touya gave him focus, gave him something to prioritize, and of lately he had been trying to think of stuff to do to be a better person and to ensure that the two of them were taken care of. Now, he wasn't the best at thinking about that kind of stuff, but he was positive he'd figure it all out eventually. He had his friends, Touya, and the wind to guide him.

Jin gently placed a kiss on the top of his head. Jin had one secret desire: to muss Touya's perfect hair. He loved the way it looked, but it was so exact, and precise, and perfect the way it was styled. It was begging to be disheveled, to be touched, to be messed with. One day, he was going to get the opportunity, and he was going to take it. Maybe he would let him play with it a while before he restyled it for the day.

Touya turned over. He gazed into Jin's eyes and then looked away. Propping himself up with his elbow and holding his head in his hand, Jin admired his small eyelashes, the shape of his nose, the curve of his lips. He never knew Touya had a little brown freckle behind his ear until now.

"I don't get how you didn't turn more heads," Jin said, a soft smile stretched across his face. "Your eyes, they're absolutely stunning."

"Jin, there's something..." Touya didn't finish his sentence.

Jin raised his eyebrows curiously. "Hm?"

He could see him thinking about something, debating too much on the pros and consequences. If Jin thought about stuff half as much as Touya did, he'd never do anything. Then again, he wouldn't have gotten in half as much trouble either. Jin appreciated his good sense of reason, but following a whim never hurt now and again.

"Whatever it be, don't think. Do," Jin said.

Touya nodded. After a moment to have a deep breath, he lifted his head up toward Jin. Following his own advice, Jin met him halfway. Their lips came together in a slow press and then more firm the second time. They settled into a series of lighthearted, little kisses with smiles in between. Jin was in awe of this surprise affection from Touya, but he wasn't going to stop and question anything.

Jin reached up and cradled Touya's head. Touya wrapped his arms around his neck and threaded his hands through Jin's wild, windblown hair. He didn't know what he had done in his life to be so lucky, but he thanked the wind and his lucky stars that brought he and Touya together, the first time and in this moment.

Jin straddled Touya's hips. He kissed his neck, gave it a playful lick, and went on kissing. He let a hand travel on down Touya's side and slip underneath his undershirt. He started pushing Touya's shirt up—and Touya gasped in panic. He pulled his shirt back down and pushed Jin's hands away at the same time.

Jin wasn't going to lie to himself that he wasn't disappointed, that he was getting in the mood when everything was abruptly stopped, but what mattered more to him was Touya.

He was looking away, his bottom lip pulled in. His face was flushed and not merely from their fooling around. He looked upset. Jin had a feeling it was more with himself than him.

Jin laughed to cut the tension. "Got a little ahead of myself, I did." He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"I'm sorry, I'm—"

"None of that," Jin said. "I won't hear any nonsense out of you no more. That's my job. You're the sensible one. I jabber nonsense."

There was no reason for Touya to blame himself or apologize. He hadn't done anything wrong.

"I wanted to kiss you, but the rest was..." He canted his eyes at the covers bunched tightly between his fingers. "I'm not used to physical affection. I enjoy it. I want it, but it can be overwhelming."

Jin wanted to kick himself. He should've known better than to get so handsy with him so soon. "Me being too much all at once didn't help."

Touya shook his head. "No, you're fine. It's me—"

"C'mere to me, Toy," he said, resting a hand gently on Touya's shoulder. He looked up at Jin. "It's not your fault. There's no shame in needing to take things slow. More of the same for us, really."

Touya nodded in agreement. Jin wished he would smile or not look so tense. He knew he wanted things to be different between them, but that wasn't how things were to be. Jin didn't mind to wait. He had learned patience just to be with Touya, and he certainly wasn't going anywhere now.

"Whatever you're good with, I'll give you," Jin said.

At that, Touya flashed a tiny, fragile smile. Wind help him if his eyes misted over… He asked if they could go back to resting and cuddling.

As he laid back down beside him, Jin held his hips away from Touya. Tonight had been awkward enough. It was best if he...em...let the excitement die down between them.

"Is this all right?" Jin laid his hand on Touya's stomach. "If I rub here, it's not too much on ya, isn't it?"

Jin rubbed small, consecutive circles on his stomach. Sometimes he made figure-eights and hearts instead.

"I think I can handle it."

"Tell me when it is too much," Jin said. "Don't put up with anything because you want to make me happy 'cuz I won't be."

Touya promised to speak up.

They laid in the semi-dark, accompanied by the light sound of their breathing and the occasional rustling of the covers. Jin couldn't see Touya's expression, and he didn't want to disturb him by moving, but he hoped he was feeling better. He would spend all night consoling him until he was if he wasn't. He loved him so much—it didn't matter to him how slow or fast they progressed. Far as he figured, they had the rest of their lives to open up to each other.

Touya stirred beside him. "I'm glad you never gave up on me."

Jin smiled. "I'm glad too."