Once again, many thanks for your reviews. Thanks for staying with me and encouraging me to write more. Keep the reviews coming, but most importantly, enjoy!
5. Time
Saturday dawned bright and frisky. However, the sunshine of autumn was this time, too, fraught with melancholy and anticipation of the coming winter. It was already October, the temperate days were poised to end soon also in Tokyo. Youko hoped the winter would be a lenient one.
Rising up from her bed, she pulled an oversized shirt over her head and crept to the kitchen to make some coffee.
The kitchen was, along with the rest of her apartment, in a sorry state. Besides from sleeping, she had spent probably only two hours each day in her home, so there had been very little time for cleaning. There were dirty dishes scattered all over her dining table, empty grocery packages decorated her floor and the bin, which was stacked full to the brink, gave off a suspicious smell.
At times like these, Youko thought she needed a housewife.
"How am I supposed to manage both work and home?" she muttered aloud.
With some effort she succeeded in clearing some space from the table for her to have coffee, but whatever optimism the sunny weather might have given her was quickly slipping away as she realized that her weekend would be consumed by "pleasant" cleaning.
There was no point in putting off the chores, so right after having her breakfast, Youko put on some worn-out clothes and grabbed the bull on the horns. With vigour that surprised even herself, she filled the dishwashing machine, washed the bigger pans and kettles manually, disposed the reeking garbage, picked all the waste from her floor, vacuumed and scrubbed every layer she could lay her hands on until they were shining as if they had been brand new. Then she proceeded to organize all the work-related documents and files she had randomly left all over her apartment, and the process in its grittiness made everything else pale in comparison.
After she had finished, it was already late in the afternoon, and she was getting hungry. With nothing but some deep-frozen, ready-to-eat meals in her fridge that she had no intentions of ever consuming, she had no alternatives but to go shopping.
Exhausted to the core, Youko somehow compelled her feet to obey and carry her downstairs to her car. Her Honda was looking even more inhospitable as usual, and she wondered why she had chosen such a vehicle. The shapes were too unrefined and the iron-grey colour was devoid of any warmth.
At least the car ran smoothly. Whatever ruptures there might have been on the roads Youko drove on, she could not feel them.
Midway to the nearest supermarket, she suddenly decided to turn around. If she proceeded to the store and cooked afterwards, it would be something like six in the evening when she would finally have time for herself. And for once she wanted to relax for a whole evening, without thinking about the dishes that would be waiting for her.
There was a small Italian restaurant nearby she had always wanted to visit, and some minutes later she was sitting at one of the mahogany tables, studying the beautifully designed menu the waiter had brought her upon her entry.
It was not yet suppertime for most people, so Youko had the privilege to be almost alone in the restaurant, only other customer being an old man hunched in one of the corner tables. The interior decorations were very tastefully administered, and the place had a pleasant, if not particularly Italian, air to it.
After some pondering, Youko ordered mushroom pasta, and the female waiter smiled at her prettily.
Seeing the girl's sweet expression actually made Youko quite sad.
If only I had someone smiling at me like that every day, I probably would not feel so damn depressed, Youko thought.
Depression probably was not the correct word for the condition she was in, but nevertheless she had not been feeling very well, especially in the last few weeks. And it did not take a genius to come up with the reason behind her distress.
When she had embraced Sei over two weeks ago at the airport, she had not expected the events to play out as they did. When she had begged Sei to save her, she had meant it from the bottom of her heart, and she had actually believed that Sei would do just that.
Of course, she had uttered those pleading words amidst her bewilderment, in a state of blissful forgetfulness. Because afterwards, when Sei had left without even giving her a final hug, she came to realize how selfish she had been, asking for Sei to save her from the consequences of her own, inconsiderate actions. Her actions, which had once again shattered Sei's world, just when it had begun to seem that the ever-cheerful girl was finally getting over her earlier loss.
So, Youko had not once called Sei, even though she had on many occasions wanted to. She could imagine that it was far more agonizing for Sei to see her than for her not to see Sei.
Youko had to admit that the former Rosa Gigantea had been right. The latter's words had been furious, they had been carelessly spoken, but they had been as powerfully insightful as they always were.
Because there had never been a single, real reason for Youko to leave. She had not wanted for anyone to rely on her after she graduated, but had that wish not been a bit pretentious? With the soeur system and the intensely close Yamayurikai, how was one supposed simply to forget their graduated Onee-sama's and fellow Roses?
Sachiko, Sei, Yumi, all her fans… They had all depended on her in their own way, and perhaps she, too, had been attached to them more than just a bit. In Lillian, her heart had been at peace. And she had been so fortunate, having been able to retain a memento of the times past in the form of a whole human being. With Sei, it never seemed like they had left Lillian behind. Whenever they had time, they would meet up with their former Rose families and laugh together until their bellies hurt. Youko remembered weekend picnics, tea parties and even a Buddha statue sightseeing tour Shimako and Noriko had devised… And it all had happened during that terribly brief year filled with meaningful smiles and Sei's brittle laughter, which would become something very different far too soon.
Just thinking about it made Youko shudder and bury her face in her palms.
People were supposed to move on either naturally or when they had no other choice. And the way Youko had abruptly forsaken everything belonged in neither category. It had been more like an act of masochism and unforgivable violence combined, forcing herself to abandon the wishes of her heart and making Sei do the same thing.
Afterwards, the cheerful gatherings quickly turned into embarrassed phone-calls and soon not even that. Even though she and Sei had explained that they were becoming increasingly busy, Youko suspected that the more sharp ones in the former Yamayurikai, namely Shimako and maybe Yoshino, might have realized there had been something wrong. Although Youko was certain that no-one would have ever mentioned anything even if they had known, let alone blamed her, she never ceased to feel uneasy.
And yet, she had been wanting to see them.
Besides her reawakened concern for Sachiko and her growing longing for the others, during those past weeks she had been missing even Eriko. She wondered had the determined former Yellow Rose finally managed to marry that Yamanobe-guy and whether society was bearing down on Eriko as heavily as it was bearing down on her. The Yellow Rose had never come to their gatherings, and after their graduation they had only exchanged some brief e-mails. As opposed to Youko and Sei, Eriko was the one who had successfully stretched out her wings and flown to the wide world, leaving Lillian behind in its entirety.
Caught in the middle of her musings, Youko could hardly taste what she was eating.
When she left the restaurant, it was already dark. On the highway cars were coming and going relentlessly, their iron frames and cold front lights flashed briefly in front of her eyes before they were replaced by other ones. Toyotas, Volkswagens, BMWs... On the other side of the road, epileptic neon lights promised top-quality cosmetic products at bargain prices, and directly beneath the advertisement a high school girl was kissing a suit-wearing man in his fourties.
Apart from the obvious absurdity of the scene, the fact that the two cuddlers made no effort to hide what they were doing in any way stirred some amusement in Youko. They could actually be sincerely in love.
Or they were just exceptionally indecent.
But it was none of Youko's business. Turning her back, she walked to her Honda. The steel construct serving the purpose of a vehicle was as repulsive as ever. Under the street lamps of the parking place the metallic surface of the car gleamed coldly.
Sighing, she unlocked the doors with her remote controller and stepped in.
Even as she swallowed her pride and started the engine, inside her head she had already decided that she would sell her Honda as soon as possible. She wanted something more beautiful, more graceful. Perhaps a small sports car with only two seats.
After all, she did have quite a sum of money in her bank account, and it was time she started using it. A car was not much of an investment, but it was anyhow better to buy herself a more attractive companion than to let all her money rot away in the virtual universe. With banks going bankrupt every now and then, it was as if even the financial realm was going through the same painful phase in its life as Youko was experiencing in her own.
Nowadays, she did not hear the promise of the world every day she woke up. She had to hunt for it, search for it in the remotest corners of the reality, and more often than not her efforts were in vain.
Later, when it was already past midnight, Youko lay on her bed, once again flipping through the pages of the photo album containing the snapshots from her high school times. She had opened a bottle of red wine she had found in one of her kitchen closets, and she had already drunk half of its contents, so her head was feeling a bit dizzy. When she looked at a single picture long enough, she could almost see the people in them starting to move and form silent words with their lips. She and Sei were winking at each other in one photo, Sachiko was gently stroking Yumi's hair in another, Yoshino was screaming something to Rei in the third one...
She could only imagine what the two cousins were up to nowadays. She had never been very close to them, but at that very moment even the faded memory of the two wilful girls felt more real than anything that was surrounding her.
Not that they were "girls" in the strict sense of the word anymore.
Even the soeurs of their boutons were now twenty-eight.
The notion caused icy shivers travel down Youko's spine.
She herself was only a few years away from becoming officially middle-aged.
She could not help thinking that she had lived thirty years just to achieve a post in some random company, doing random things for random people. And at what price?
She did believe that in life, one always won some and lost some. Yet, what had she gained for the things that she had given? What had she won in exchange for her innocence, her youth and her hopes? What had she achieved by leaving behind the only person she had ever truly loved?
She could hardly convince herself that fate had treated her fairly.
Unless... Unless her sacrifices had been made mistakenly.
When she contemplated about it in greater detail, it seemed only natural. Just as one could not convert one currency to another by throwing cash into a well, one could not hope to gain anything in exchange for one's foolish deeds. Otherwise, everyone in the world would be a renowned genius.
Suddenly, Youko noticed that she was trembling so much that the wine was spilling over the edges of the glass, dying the sheets deep purple. With some effort, she managed to place the glass on the floor.
Despite the storm in Youko's heart, she could not shed a single tear.
Perhaps the sorrow that had been gradually building up inside her was so monolithic and all-encompassing that it had exceeded the point when crying could bring her any comfort. Perhaps after Sei had left, she had simply forgotten how. Or perhaps she was just too old.
Yes, she was not a teenager anymore. She was too old, too hard-boiled to pine tearfully after anyone, even Satou Sei. Once there would have been a festering wound, but now all she could feel was a dull emptiness. What had been lost was irreversibly lost, but life went on and in two day's time she would be once again caught in the middle of the rat race, having probably all but forgotten her brief encounter with Sei.
But meanwhile, she would be turning back the clock.
The freshly graduated Sei smiled at her from the album.
A/N: I really hope that one day I will be able to read the original Marimite novels. In my eyes Sei was always the one who wanted to stay close to everyone, while Youko and Eriko were the more distant ones. So thus I decided that Youko was the one to leave the relationship. Despite her flirtatious nature, I always considered Sei a very loving and faithful person in the end.
PS. Thank you people who have given me links to the translations of the novels. I appreciate very much.
